CHAPTER 22
The moment he saw Amanda coming toward his table Alan stood up and went over to her. He gave her a big hug.
“Wow, what was that for?” she said, her surprise evident.
Alan drew back and faced her, an arm still locked around her waist.
“I guess I’ve just missed you. I’m really glad to see you.”
He felt the blood rush to his face after this admission of gratitude, but he didn’t really care. His feelings were genuine.
She kissed him. Short, but just long enough.
“The feeling is mutual.”
Alan led the way over to the table.
“What’s your pleasure?”
“A margarita would be perfect.”
“I’ll be back.”
He went to the bar and ordered a margarita along with another Yeungling for himself. He wanted to get hammered to forget the frustration of the case, but at the same time wanted to stay sober enough to totally enjoy Amanda’s company. She looked especially beautiful tonight with her hair falling onto her shoulders instead of being pulled back as it usually was. She had always been a great looker but something she was wearing—or just plain doing—was making her look better than she ever had before.
He returned with their drinks.
“So, how’s the new job going?”
“Great! Dottie says that I’m the quickest read she’s ever seen and that I have a natural talent for this field. If nothing else she has definitely improved my self esteem.”
“That’s awesome. How long has she been with UrbanGroup, anyway?”
“Forever. She’s known Travis since before he started managing the company. They apparently go back a long way.”
“Well, I’m glad you like your new gig. That is hugely important.”
“How is the case going?”
“I don’t even want to go there.”
“That’s why you’re so down.”
“You could say that.”
“And you don’t want to talk about it.”
“Not really. Not now, anyway. I just want to pretend it doesn’t exist for a while.”
“Okay. So not another word about UrbanGroup, period—fair enough?”
Alan tipped her glass with his beer bottle. “It’s a deal.”
He took a slug and looked around the club. The place wasn’t very crowded but a few people were dancing on the tiny dance floor. He looked at Amanda who had noticed him staring in that direction.
“You want to dance?” she said.
His answer came much easier than he’d ever have thought it could.
“Sure, let’s do it.”
They stood up and Amanda grabbed him by the hand. An Eighties techno tune that Alan recognized was blaring from the juke—he couldn’t recall the artist. The music doubled in volume by the time they reached the dance floor, which was positioned directly in front of the club’s sound system.
They both got into the groove and began dancing, the drums and bass literally shaking the dance floor. The last time Alan had danced was with Julie at their wedding reception. He felt ridiculous trying to look like he knew what he was doing but didn’t really care. Watching Amanda move and gyrate was enough to keep his mind off of his own pathetic appearance.
“You know the name of this song?” he yelled above the music.
“I think it’s by Berlin. Can’t recall the name, though.” she replied.
“That’s it—Berlin. I think they did a tune in Top Gun, didn’t they?”
“Yeah, Take My Breath Away.”
“That’s it.”
Although he was a sixties and seventies classic rock lover, Alan had a warm spot for the Eighties. It was the last decade of real music in his opinion.
The tune ended and they remained on the floor to hear what would come on next. Seconds later the opening notes of Because by the Beatles oozed from the speakers. It was a very slow song and one of Alan’s all time favorites. Without hesitation he put his arms around Amanda and held her tight. The dance floor emptied except for the two of them. Amanda rested her head on his shoulders and he closed his eyes.
The faint scent of whatever she was wearing greeted him as he felt her warm body pressed against his. He had never noticed her perfume until now and he thought of how it seemed to fit her perfectly. Sweet and intoxicating. He felt the burden of the whole world lifting off his shoulders as they swayed in unison to the music. They were, at least for the moment, a single entity, united and harmonious.
He felt her soft, steady breathing in his ear. His face was buried in her downy hair. He wanted to stay like this forever in a place where there was nothing but sweet music and this wonderful lady. It was heaven.
Slowly she brought her lips to his. They kissed. It was a kiss like no other he’d ever known. Her lips were supple and full, her tongue wet and lush. He did not want it to end.
When at last it did end, she whispered in his ear.
“That was wonderful.”
“Yeah.”
The song faded and they wound down to a stop. They faced each other for a moment and Alan noticed that Amanda was tearing up.
“What’s wrong?”
“Oh, nothing. I guess I’m just feeling emotional, that’s all.”
“Emotional in a good way or a bad way?”
She didn’t answer right away.
“Both ways, I guess.”
“What do you mean?”
She made an expression that Alan had seen only once before: The last time they had been in this very place and he’d asked her about her old boyfriend, Tony. The expression was one of pain and withdrawal.
“Can we just forget about it and talk about something else?”
“Sure, if that’s what you want to do.”
“Thank you. Let’s go sit down.”
Alan nodded and reached for her hand but she had already started walking toward the table. They sat down and simultaneously took a long drink.
Unsure of what to say, Alan watched Amanda as she looked past him at nothing in particular. He hated to see everything go south like this and wanted to do something about it. The only problem was that he had no idea where to begin. It was obvious that her relationship with Tony was the reason for her freezing up and he wanted to know why. But she clearly had no desire to let him in on it.
They ordered more drinks and sat in relative silence, making minimal small talk. The last thing Alan wanted was to upset Amanda any further and he felt like he was walking on egg shells. He wanted so much to somehow lighten things up before the night became a total disaster but wasn’t sure how to do that.
“It was nice dancing,” he finally said to break the silence.
She nodded. “Yes, it was. I haven’t danced in years.”
“Neither have I—not that you couldn’t notice!”
“You were fine, Alan. It’s not like dancing has changed that much through the last twenty or thirty years.”
“Unless you count disco, that is,” he laughed.
“Good point. Plus the way the younger kids grind nowadays. My mother would have killed me if she ever saw me dancing like that!”
“Yeah, it’s definitely suggestive. And that’s an understatement.”
Her expression suddenly turned serious. “Alan, I want to apologize for getting so moody. I don’t want to let it spoil the night. All I can think of right now is how wonderful it is being here with you like this. You have a way of making me forget things that have happened in the past. I’ve never met anyone else who can do that.”
“It’s funny you would say that—I feel the exact same way. We both know how much I loved Julie and how hard it’s been for me to try to move on. You’re the first person that has even come close to inspiring me to do that. So, we apparently have something in common.”
“We do. What do you say we just roll with it and see where it takes us?”
“Sounds like a plan.”
Feeling better now that the air had been cleared a little, Alan drained his beer and stood up to get another one.
“We both need refueling. Another margarita?”
“Yes, please.”
After he returned, another Beatles song came on the jukebox: Revolution.
“Wanna dance?” he said.
“Yes!”
As they headed over to the dance floor, Alan mentally declared Mockingjays the best club in town. Great music, really cold beer and a girl at his side who had managed to raise his spirits to a whole new level. Screw the case! Screw the past!
This was the place to be.
They danced to the next three songs with reckless abandon. A few more people had shown up at the club and half of them were now crammed together on the dance floor. Alan was sweating so much that he asked Amanda if she wanted to take a break. She seemed grateful for the request.
They finished their drinks while lamenting the sad state of music nowadays. Both agreed that now would be a horrible time to be a teenager since there was nothing positive happening either musically or socially to bond kids together. Everything was all over the place with no real sense of identity for anybody to grasp or to take hold of and call their own. It was a drag.
Alan almost asked Amanda if she wanted another drink but stopped himself. It was now or never for him to pop the question.
“Want to come over to the house?”
“Your house?” she replied.
“Uh, yeah.”
“But we both drove here.”
“You can follow me.”
“Okay, but drive slowly. We’ve both drunk enough to flunk a sobriety test.”
“I will crawl then.”
She smiled and Alan felt victorious. They headed for the door and stepped out into the cool night air.
“Where did you park?” he asked.
“Down the street a couple of blocks.”
“That’s the same direction I’m parked.”
Amanda took him by the hand and Alan felt a warm rush throughout his body. Was this really happening?
They walked hand in hand until they reached Amanda’s car. Alan was parked a little further down the street so Amanda got in her VW and waited for him to pull up beside her. Then he led the way to his house, keeping his speed safe and legal.
Along the way he wondered what the night would bring. The good news was that it was Friday night so Amanda wouldn’t have to go to work in the morning.
The bad news was how bummed he was going to be if she didn’t spend the night with him—even on a platonic basis.
He wanted and needed her that much.
When they arrived at his home, Alan hit the garage door remote and pulled inside. Amanda pulled into the driveway and parked behind him. He got out of the Pilot and walked back to her car.
“Nice house,” she said as she got out.
“Thanks.“
She followed him inside and both were promptly greeted by an excited border collie.
“This is Pan, my furry roommate,” Alan said.
Pan was panting as Amanda knelt down to pet her.
“She’s so cute! Quite an unusual name.”
“It’s short for Panera. That’s where I found her—in the parking lot. She’d been abandoned by her previous owner.”
“How could anybody abandon such a sweetie?”
“Got me. But their loss is my gain. Not only is she a great dog but she actually saved my life.”
“Wow—how did that happen?”
“I was being threatened by a bad guy with a gun and Pan attacked and made him drop the gun. I am alive today because of her.”
“That makes her very special, then.”
“Definitely. C’mon girl, let’s go out!”
He opened the back door and held it open. Pan sprinted out into the backyard.
“Want a drink? I’m afraid all I have to offer is white wine and beer.”
“A beer would be fine.”
He pulled a pair of Yuenglings out of the fridge, opened one and handed it to Amanda.
“So would you like the grand tour?”
“Yes, that would be great.”
Pan was already waiting outside the door so Alan let her in.
“Well, this is obviously the kitchen. When we designed this house, Julie made it very clear that she wanted a large, functional place to cook.”
“She was such a good cook. I remember how she always used to fix dinner for us when we were roommates. Didn’t make any difference if it was Italian, American or Mexican, she knew how to create delicious meals.”
“That’s for sure. She pretty much designed the kitchen herself, picking out the cabinets, flooring, counter tops, appliances—the whole nine yards. Gotta say that this is probably the most impressive room in the house.”
“It’s wonderful.”
And through this door is the living room that also serves as my office,” Alan said, leading the way. “Last year I hired somebody to make this a functional office without killing the feel of a living room.”
“Whoever it was did a great job. I really like the fireplace—was that an add-on?”
“Yup. There’s already one in the family room and I’d gotten so used to it that I figured why not add one to this room, too.”
Alan reached for the remote and turned on the gas logs.
“Wow, impressive. I wish my apartment had a fireplace. They are so cozy in the winter.”
“For sure. Next I’ll show you the family room.”
As he led the way, Alan wondered what Julie would be thinking if she was looking down on him now. How would she feel about his showing her ex-roommate and close friend the house they had built together? Would she hate him for it or would he have her blessing? Would she want him to move on and find somebody new to love, even if that person was her former friend?
He hadn’t a clue.
Having shown her the rest of the first floor, Alan took Amanda upstairs to see his former office and the three bedrooms. Amanda was clearly impressed with the house and more than once mentioned that she wished she could move out of her apartment some day and buy a house.
They returned to the first floor and sat down in front of the fire.
“I hope Julie doesn’t hate me,” Amanda said.
“What do you mean?”
“You know, us being together like this in her house. I feel like she’s watching us right now, cursing at me for being some kind of traitor!”
“That’s ridiculous. I was actually thinking the same thing a few minutes ago and I’ve decided that she would be okay with this.”
“Maybe so far. But we’re still just friends. What if that was to change?”
Alan couldn’t believe she had said that. Whoa.
“First of all, would you like it to change?” he said, rolling the dice.
“Hmm. I think it’s too soon to say. But I guess it could happen. If you also wanted it to, that is.”
“I think you already know the answer to that.”
“No I don’t. All I know is that you wanted me to go out with you tonight because you were depressed and wanted to get drunk with somebody. And don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a wonderful time. But I feel like we’re just being friends; hanging out and having fun. Just like friends do. You know what I’m saying?”
“I do. And I think maybe it’s time to change all of that.”
He leaned forward and kissed her, his heart nearly beating out of his chest. He had a feeling that this would either be their last kiss or just one of many more to come. It was a decisive moment; she would either resist or give in.
Her response was even better than he had hoped.
They kissed long and hard with passion that was unmistakable. The veil had been lifted.
Moments later, Alan’s hand inched its way to her breast. She moaned softly and placed her hand over his. At first he thought she was going to squeeze his hand but instead she gently moved it away from her breast.
He stared at her imploringly. Her eyes clouded up for the second time that night.
“What’s wrong?” he said.
“Everything!”
“What do you mean? Everything is going so well and then suddenly—this.”
“It’s not your fault, Alan. I want to make love to you so much, but I just. . .”
“Just what?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for what? What’s the matter, Amanda? Just tell me!”
She broke away and looked past him into the fire. He watched as she started sobbing, her body trembling.
He put his arm around her comfortingly. She closed her eyes and he could tell she was struggling to get herself under control.
“It’s so hard to talk about, Alan. I just don’t know how to do it. Or where to begin.”
“It’s okay, just take your time. I am a very patient person.”
She sat back and stared into his eyes.
“Okay, I’ll try to explain. But don’t get on me if I suddenly change my mind halfway through. It’s not something I’m particularly proud of.”
“Fair enough.”
“It has to do with Tony—you probably assumed that already. We started out having a wonderful relationship and I really thought I was in love with him. He was so good to me, forever buying me things and making me feel like a queen. We had even started talking about getting married after less than a year. I was so excited at the prospect that I started telling everybody not to be too surprised if we got engaged soon.
“But over time things started to change. I still don’t know why it happened but Tony started getting all weird and overly possessive. He would get pissed if I just told him I was going out with my friends to see a movie. He would actually beg me not to go. I asked him why he was being so paranoid and he’d say that he couldn’t help it—that he just wanted me all to himself. I told him that if we were to get married then he would have me all to himself, so why was he so worried about it?
“What I didn’t understand is that he wanted me exclusively in the literal sense of the word. He said that whenever I wasn’t with him, he would imagine all kinds of scenarios of what I might be doing without him there, keeping an eye on me. I swore that he didn’t have to worry and that he was the only man I cared about—that I would never go out on him. But he either couldn’t or wouldn’t believe me.”
Amanda closed her eyes and paused a moment before continuing. When she opened her eyes again, Alan saw a mixture of anger and despair.
“Then one evening a horrible thing happened. I was having lunch with a couple of my friends and some guy I knew from college came over and sat down beside me. This guy had asked me out a couple of times before and he decided to try to hit on me right there at the table. I think he was pretty looped. At one point he put his arm around me and acted like he was going to kiss me.
“The next thing I knew, Tony suddenly appeared from out of nowhere, came up behind this guy and got him in a choke hold. I begged him to let go before he killed him but Tony just kept choking him. Then somebody from the restaurant came over and broke the whole thing up. Tony told Dan—that was the guy’s name—that he hadn’t seen the last of him and then ran out of the restaurant. The restaurant owner showed up and asked Dan if he wanted to call the police to file an assault report. Dan was of course way too scared and embarrassed to even consider that—you remember how big Tony was. So Dan left the place in a huff and that was the last I ever saw of him.”
“Jesus, I never realized that Tony was such a redneck,” Alan said. “He seemed so good-natured and all.”
“Redneck is an understatement,” Amanda said. “And like Dan, I too was promptly dealt with later that day.”
“What do you mean? He beat up on you?”
She nodded. “I’m embarrassed to admit, more than once. A lot more than once. He started physically abusing me regularly from that day on.”
“You’re shitting me! Why would you put up with that? Why didn’t you just leave the bastard?”
“It’s not that simple, Alan. When you’ve been with someone you think you love for that long, you don’t always think rationally. I even started thinking it was my fault he was getting so angry and that I was doing something wrong. It starts to take hold of you eventually, until you don’t know where to turn.”
“I don’t get it. I mean you had to know that what he was doing was wrong, no matter what you may have been doing to get him that bent out of shape. The bottom line is that you don’t just start wailing on someone because you’re unhappy with them. You fricking try to talk it through, see if you can come up with some sort of resolution. What a fucker!”
“I know this sounds just like a TV documentary, where you can’t believe that someone would continue in a situation like that. But it happens, as insane as it seems. I wanted it to work, Alan—so much that I was willing to ride it out and pray that Tony would some day change. He would always be so apologetic after he beat me, swearing that he was sorry and would never do it again. But it never stopped.”
“So how did you finally get away from him?”
“I haven’t.”
“What?”
“I haven’t gotten away from him.”
“You mean that you’re still seeing this monster? You’ve got to be kidding!”
“I wish I was, believe me. Now you see why I’m so upset. I really like you Alan. A lot. In fact I was attracted to you back when you were dating Julie. But you were with her and I didn’t want to mess anything up so I just forgot about it.”
“I’m flattered to hear that, but let’s not get away from the main subject here. I want to know what you mean by saying that you haven’t gotten away from Tony. You mean you are still seeing him?”
“Every night, in my nightmares. I was speaking metaphorically. I can still see him in my mind beating me for doing something that upset him. I can still see myself trying to cover up the bruises so no one would notice every time I went out. And I can still see the pathetic look on his face when he would start crying afterwards and promise me he’d never beat me again.”
“God, I can’t believe I’m hearing this. Where is he now? When’s the last time you saw him for real, in person?”
“He’s still living in Columbus somewhere. But I haven’t seen him in a few months. I have a restraining order against him.”
“That’s the only encouraging thing I’ve heard so far—good for you. Does he still call you?”
“Yes.”
“Shit, how often?”
“It varies. He just called me last night, in fact.”
“And what does he say? Surely you just hang up on him, right?
“Sometimes I hang up. He always says the same thing—how much he misses me and how he wishes he could see me again.”
“And what do you say?”
“I tell him that it’s over and that I don’t ever want to see him again, what else?”
“But of course, that isn’t what he wants to hear. Does he threaten you in any way?”
“Not really?”
“What does that mean, ‘not really?’”
“He sometimes says stuff like ‘you might change your mind if you’d only give me one more chance to prove myself.’ Then he asks me what I would do if he were to suddenly show up one day.”
“And what do you tell him?”
“I remind him that there’s a restraining order against him and that he’d better not even try it. He usually just chuckles then.”
“Great. It sounds to me like he could very well show up and doesn’t give a shit about a restraining order.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of.”
“You have to do something about this, Amanda. You just can’t take a chance on this guy coming after you one of these days.”
“What can I do? I have the restraining order and I always keep my eyes and ears open. Other than that, there’s nothing else I can do.”
“You could let me talk to him. Let him know that myself and the cops are keeping an eye on him.”
“No, I can’t let you do that. Besides it won’t do any good. He’s probably just buying time until he decides to make a move. Sometimes I get the feeling he’s watching me. Or I suddenly find myself looking in the rear view mirror to see if he’s tailing me. I’m scared, Alan!”
Alan fell silent for a moment. He had gone through something similar around the time he’d started dating Julie. One day she confided in him that somebody was stalking her. But unlike Amanda, Julie hadn’t known the man. Alan had eventually found out the guy’s identity and gave him a warning phone call. It was sheer luck that the man had never bothered Julie again.
But this was an entirely different situation. Amanda had had a relationship with Tony and the guy was not going to be easily threatened. This made him feel uneasy and unsure of how he might stop her ex-boyfriend’s actions. A restraining order was little more than a piece of paper. It would take a lot more than that to prevent Tony from possibly hurting Amanda again.
“Move in with me,” he said.
Amanda looked at him in utter disbelief.
“Are you kidding? I can’t do that! I mean, it’s really sweet of you to offer but I could never let you get involved in this mess.”
“Listen, Amanda. I can’t let you continue living in mortal fear of that son of a bitch. You’re damn lucky he hasn’t come after you before now, but your luck could be running out. He knows where you live and there’s nothing to keep him from waiting for you to come home some day and assaulting you. The guy is a nut! You need to protect yourself from him at all costs. The least I can do is give you a place to stay until we can work out a way to deal with this.”
“You are so sweet! And if I thought I could with a clear conscience I would take you up on this in a heartbeat. But there is just way too much standing in the way. First of all, I would always feel like I was being a burden to you. You haven’t had a chance to think this through yet but trust me—my living here would totally cramp your lifestyle. I just couldn’t do that to you.
“Secondly, I’m not ready to give up my own lifestyle. I like being on my own without any social obligations for a change. The day that I finally left Tony, I not only felt safe for a change, I felt liberated! I love having my own place and my own life. I don’t want to have to give that up.”
“I never said that this would be a permanent arrangement or anything like that. All I want to do is give you a temporary place to stay in order to buy some time so I can figure out how to deal with this crazy bastard. It would be a totally platonic arrangement and you could come and go as you please. Believe me, the last thing I want to do is try to corral you into some sort of commitment after all you’ve been through.”
“And I’m sorry for being so presumptuous. You must think I’m some kind of egotist to assume that you’re trying to get something started between us through your generosity. It’s just that I’m really on the defensive after all of this. The crazy thing is that I would love to finally not have to worry about Tony showing up at my apartment some day. And I can’t think of anyone I would rather be with than you. It’s just that—I don’t know—I just don’t feel worthy of it.”
“That’s just what I was afraid of. Listen, Amanda. I know a bit about this sort of thing and you need to quit blaming yourself for something that wasn’t your fault. Right now you are a sitting duck for this guy and we both know it. I am not about to let it go on any further if I can help it. If you don’t want to stay here, fine—I’m okay with that. But is there some place else you could go instead? Any family or friends around that could put you up for awhile?”
“There’s my Aunt Jenny—she lives in Westerville. But I couldn’t go there. She’s got some health issues and quite frankly I’m not too crazy about her.”
"So Aunt Jenny is out. Anybody else?"
“Nobody, except for my parents. But they live all the way up in Mansfield. No way I could commute that distance every day.”
“What about friends? Surely you’ve kept in touch with some of them.”
“They’re all married now. Every one of them. I’m not going to even consider going that route.”
“Why not?”
“I just won’t,” she replied flatly.
“Guess that just leaves me, then.”
“Let me think about it, okay? This has all come up so fast and I need some time to wrap my head around it.”
“Okay, but promise me you’ll give it some serious thought.”
“I will.”
“How about another drink?”
“I thought you’d never ask,” she managed to say with a smile.
On the way to the kitchen, Alan considered what he had just done and already regretted it. By offering Amanda a place to stay he had put her in a compromised position. Not only that, but any way you cut it she no doubt thought he had some sort of ulterior motive in mind. Which wasn’t the case, although he had to admit he could think of less desirable housemates.
On the other hand, he didn’t care how it looked because Amanda was in a very vulnerable position and he wanted to do something about it. He had a hunch that she would not accept his offer to move in. There were just too many factors going against it. If he could persuade her to at least spend the night, he could then give this all some serious thought tomorrow.
He brought their drinks back into the living room.
“I propose a toast,” he said. “To us, and my hope that no matter what happens we will continue seeing each other.”
“To us,” she said, tipping her glass.
They took a drink in unison.
“You know that you’re too drunk to drive home now,” Alan said.
“I know. And I also know that you’re too drunk to drive me.”
“So it looks like the logical thing to do is for you to spend the night.”
“I could call a cab,” she said dead seriously.
“But you don’t really want to,” he replied.
“You seem to think you know an awful lot for a drunk person.”
“As do you.”
“All I really know for sure is that I want to kiss you right this moment.”
“As do I.”
They kissed for a very long time. Alan’s head was spinning from all that had happened and was still happening. He felt as light as air. Amanda felt like a warm slice of heaven in his arms. Afterwards, he stood up and offered her his hand. She took it and together they headed upstairs.