“So, what did you think of our beautiful island?” asked Ano as they rode back to Honolulu.
Daniel watched as the forest and mountains passed by him. “Beautiful, that’s the perfect word to describe it. It was all so beautiful.”
“Yes, that’s what most visitors say. Actually,” Ano went on, “that’s what everyone says, even those who aren’t visitors!”
They rode in silence the rest of the trip. Ano drove to the terminal and dropped Daniel off. He wished him luck and disappeared into the Honolulu traffic as Daniel went inside and boarded his plane. He arrived back in California a few hours later and remembered his promise to Kimberly. “Call me when you land,” was what she had said. Well, he thought, he might have been a day late, but she did tell him to call when he landed.
Daniel sat down at a café table in the airport, setting his bag on the floor. He ordered a coffee from a distracted waitress and took his phone out. Yep, definitely back in California, the land of overpriced coffee and unsociable people. He looked up at the passersby and noticed everyone was occupied with their phones or other devices. Even the children were tethered to some sort of electronic gadget. Daniel imagined any of them delivering a foal at 3:30 in the morning or hiking along a trail to the Waimea Valley Waterfall. He hadn’t been back for an hour and already missed the Hawaiian lifestyle.
The coffee came, and after one sip, he realized he may never be able to drink coffee again unless it was Kona. Kahili had spoiled him. He doctored it up with some sugar and cream and managed to get a few sips down. Looking at his phone, Daniel knew he had to get it over with. With one last glance at the rush of travelers bustling by, Daniel bid good-bye to his Hawaiian fantasy and slipped his purity ring back on his finger. Then he took a deep breath and dialed Kimberly’s number.
Daniel stared at the large arrangements of snow white orchids in front of him. The simple yet elegant flower symbolized something special at a wedding, something pure as a couple recited their vows of honor and commitment to each other. But Daniel’s mind wasn’t focused on the beautiful flowers in front of him or what they symbolized. There was a battle raging inside his head, and he struggled to find what God wanted him to do.
It had taken three days for Kimberly to forgive him and another week before she was her old self again. She had given him the cold shoulder and wouldn’t speak to him at all. Every time he tried to explain the reason for his delay, she wouldn’t let him. After hours of trying to talk to her, Daniel finally gave up, knowing how stubborn Kimberly could be. He hated that he had hurt her. He hated that he had stayed another day without calling her and knew that if she had done something like that to him, he would have been furious. But he was also glad that she didn’t want an explanation. Because Daniel knew he couldn’t lie. And any explanation he gave would have hurt her more.
“I like the orchids with the lilies. What do you think?” Kimberly asked Daniel. The florist shop was full of customers, and Kimberly and Daniel sat at a table tucked away in a corner. A floral specialist had shown them several arrangements and left them alone to decide. “I think the orchids will go well with my veil. Daniel? Daniel?” Kimberly looked at him, wondering where his mind was. Ever since he had gotten back, Daniel had been distracted and not the old attentive man she knew.
“What? I’m sorry, honey,” Daniel said, pretending to be interested. “Yes, the orchids will look lovely.” Daniel had been going through the motions for the past two weeks. He had been to caterers, bakers and florists, playing the part of the doting, interested fiancée. But he felt like a robot, void of any real emotions and hollow on the inside. He hoped Kimberly didn’t notice. But Kimberly did. And although it bothered her, she wanted to be married to Daniel more than she wanted the truth. She knew something had happened to him in Hawaii. She knew that the Daniel that came back was not the same one that left weeks before. After several more days of it, she couldn’t stand it any longer.
“Daniel, what is the matter with you? You haven’t been the same since you came home.”
Daniel turned and looked at Kimberly, not wanting to hurt her, but not wanting to lie either. “I don’t feel like I can be me anymore.”
“What?” Kimberly asked, confused. “That’s ridiculous. Of course, you can be you. Who else would you be?”
“I mean,” he said slowly. “I don’t feel like I’m free to be who I am. I feel like I have to be who you want me to be. You don’t take my feelings into consideration—”
Kimberly cut him off. “What do you mean? Of course, I do. I always ask your opinion and what you feel.”
“But then you do what you want anyway. Like the furniture. I wanted the modern and you wanted vintage. So what did you get? Vintage. Like the cake. I wanted red velvet you wanted marble. So what did we get? Marble. Like the venue. I wanted it on the beach and you wanted the yacht club. So what did we get?”
“OKAY!” screamed Kimberly. “Okay, I get it. But why haven’t you said anything before? You come back from Hawaii and you’re all quiet and distant. I don’t know what happened there, but you’re not the same. If you didn’t like the decisions I was making, why didn’t you tell me?”
Daniel waved Kimberly off, not wanting to explain that it wasn’t just decisions over these petty things. He was struggling with so much guilt about the feelings he had for Michelle. He hadn’t been able to get her out of his mind since he left Trinity Ranch. And as Kimberly and he planned the wedding and spent every day working on details of their big day, he became more distant and more agitated.
“I’m sorry,” was all Daniel could say. He grabbed his keys, got in his car and drove down to the beach. As soon as his toes hit the sand, he felt a calm come over him. Sitting on a wall with his feet in the sand, he looked out over the ocean wondering how many miles away Hawaii was. He thought about the distance between him and Michelle and longed to see her again. Daniel got up and walked along the beach, remembering the happy couple he saw on the surf in Hawaii. He lost himself in his thoughts, and when he finally looked down at his watch, he grumbled. Kimberly and Daniel had their engagement dinner with her parents in an hour. He had to head back home to shower and get ready.
He walked slowly back toward his car and stopped at the edge of the water, letting the surf lick his feet. As the warm water played with his soles, Daniel breathed in the salt air and thought of Michelle.
“God,” Daniel said as he looked out over the water. “I don’t know what to do. I’m torn. My heart is in one place and my responsibilities and obligations are in another. Please help me God. Give me a sign, give me discernment and direction. I know you created the perfect woman for me, and I think I know who she is. And I know you created me to be who I am, not someone else. Please give me the courage to make the right decision so I can fulfill the plan you have for me. Amen.”