Doctor Lajoie prescribes a little bicarbonate of soda.
‘Is that all, Doctor?’ asks the sufferer. ‘I’ve heard that antipyrine … or Pink Pills …’
‘Well well! so that’s where we’ve got with popular medicine and the pharmaceutical advertisements which are displayed not insidiously but in abundance in the daily and even weekly papers. So that’s where we’ve got: the patient wants to heal himself! Any minute now he’ll be wanting to write out his own prescription!’
‘Then, Doctor, you think …’
‘Bicarbonate of soda is a miracle medicine which, in moderate doses, will do you the greatest good. Drink a little herb tea as well, but not to excess’.
When the valetudinarian had gone, Doctor Lajoie went to check that there was no one left in the waiting-room. He was sure there wasn’t, but being of an anxious temperament he needed to make assurance doubly sure. Having gone round his consulting room in a clockwise direction, and then in the opposite direction, he half-opened the door and saw Surget.
DOCTOR You here! I didn’t hear you come in.
SURGET As no one opened the door, I pulled the catch and that loosed the latch.
DOCTOR My housekeeper has gone to consult a healer in the provinces and her substitute leaves at five o’clock, but that can’t be of any special interest to you. What ill wind brings you here?
SURGET As the saying goes, I don’t know which way to turn.
DOCTOR Sit down, my dear friend. I’m listening.
SURGET Have you cured Hubert Lubert?
DOCTOR I flatter myself that I have! While he’s waiting for Icarus to come back he’s continuing his novel with some of his minor characters: this is one of my greatest successes. I’ve cured him so thoroughly that I don’t see him any more, which causes me a certain loss of revenue. But that is a matter of minor consequence to me. Have you ever reflected, my dear friend, on this paradox? If doctors had not sworn to be authentic disciples of Hippocrates, would it not be in their interest to make their cures last as long as possible?
SURGET Excuse me, Doctor, but your problems are for the moment of little comfort to me: I would prefer to tell you about my problems. Or rather, my problem.
DOCTOR My digression was provoked by your question: ‘Have you cured Hubert Lubert?’, you know. But go on: I’m listening.
SURGET Well, the same thing has happened to me. My chief character has disappeared.
DOCTOR Get Morcol to look for him.
SURGET As the saying goes: hie jacet lepus. He doesn’t want to work any more. It’s a veritable catastrophe.
DOCTOR Not really. He hasn’t found Icarus – why do you suppose he’d be any more likely to find yours?
SURGET How true; I hadn’t thought of that. What a marvellous thing common sense is. As the saying goes: it’s the commonest thing in the world.
DOCTOR Yes: except there’s also such a thing as being on short commons.
SURGET Meaning that I am short of common sense? Would that be your opinion, Doctor?
DOCTOR Not at all, not at all.
SURGET Thank you. What do you advise me to do, then?
DOCTOR Imitate your colleague Hubert Lubert. Continue the same novel with the other characters, or else start another one.
SURGET It’s idiotic, your advice.
DOCTOR It’s common sense speaking through my mouth. This said – would you like me to convince you of it by a suitable form of treatment?
SURGET What sort of treatment?
DOCTOR You lie down on that couch and tell me everything that comes into your head.
SURGET That’s not my style, saying whatever comes into my head. I know what I mean, when I say something, and I mean what I say. Say whatever comes into my head, indeed!
DOCTOR Well, tell me a dream, then …
SURGET They’re idiotic, dreams. And anyway, I never dream. As the saying goes, I’ve put all my imagination into my novels, and nothing into my dreams.
DOCTOR A missed opportunity, then: an act of omission.
SURGET Stealing Icarus didn’t bring me luck.
DOCTOR We protoanalysts don’t call that an act of omission. It’s a failed act of commission.
SURGET And what does the vocable ‘protoanalyst’ signify?
DOCTOR That significant designates a new profession which I am adding to that of sawbones which has so far been my only signification. And thanks to my practice of this profession I am now in a position to help you in one way or another in your search, but to that end you must lie down on this couch.
SURGET Just a moment! As the saying goes: time is money – so give me some money to think.