part0003

My parents planned the same family vacation every year. Sometime in October or November, we packed our bags into the station wagon and traveled a little over three hours from our home in the Sierra Nevada Foothills to the North Coast. On the way to Dillon Beach, we’d often stop in Petaluma for lunch. Late afternoon, we’d get to the beach house, aptly named, Wit’s End. This is where we stayed for about a week to ten days every year.

We never complained or whined about going someplace new. Going to Dillon Beach was better than Christmas. The house was always the same. We knew what to expect. My sisters and I planned our activities for every day: beachcombing, viewing tide pools, hiking, shopping, reading, and playing board games. Every year, we created our Best Laid Plans and executed them accordingly based on experience and familiarity.

I’m telling you this because it primes the pump for what I’m going to tell you now, which is:

I’m a creature of habit and I don’t like adventure.

I’m the best possible person to introduce you to the stories in this collection because, collectively, they are the Worst Laid Plans. You need to be warned.

It might not be a good idea to vacation somewhere you’ve never been before. Imagine all the unknown variables! What if you find yourself stranded on the side of the road in a strange place and you have to rely on strangers to help you out? You could be forced to make a hasty decision that could cost valuable vacation time or, more importantly, your very lives! Don’t talk to strangers. If it’s true for kids, it’s true for anyone. Keep to yourself when you’re out adventuring; better yet, just stay home!

It’s my recommendation that you steer clear of all RV parks. You never know what kind of people have parked their trailer there to watch you through its grimy windows. Besides, there’s not much to do at RV parks. I imagine guests get pretty bored, and boredom often leads to unsavory activities. Like they say, idle hands make the devil’s work. This goes for camping, too. I can’t imagine why anyone would think it’s a good idea to drag all of their nice things out into nature and sleep in a tent. There’s nothing but a thin layer of fabric to protect you from . . . ANYTHING. Camping is one of the worst laid plans.

I mentioned earlier that my family enjoyed vacationing at the beach. My concern is that you will be inspired to do the same, but let me caution you: not all beaches are created equal! Some beaches attract ‘unkindly girls’ and that can lead to trouble. Case in point, I heard of a beautiful creature in a bikini that preyed on spring breakers in Cancun, but I don’t imagine a monster can stay in one place for long. Reason enough to go to more private beaches.

Wait, scratch that. If you’re at an isolated beach, be aware of your surroundings. You never know what might creep out of the ocean and lure you into unsafe waters.

You also might be tempted to trust a tour guide to take you out to sea for an experience you won’t soon forget! It’s my gut feeling that going out in the middle of the ocean, where nobody can hear you scream, is not the safest option if you love your life. Beach excursions are one of the worst laid plans. You could wind up having to send out an SOS or a message in a bottle. Not ideal.

Sometimes people get excited about seeing some sights! This sounds like a good plan, but I would caution against it. What if you find yourself in a cave with beautiful, natural formations but you have no idea that it’s also home to subterranean creatures! It’s best to stay above ground and out of harm’s way. In fact, I would avoid any of nature’s unpredictable locations; you just never know what kind of wildlife you could encounter.

Maybe it would be a good plan to travel to one of any special conventions. There’s a convention for just about anything! Books, movies, comics, and more! There’s even a convention for people who are passionate about big reptiles. The folks there cosplay as crocodiles and alligators. Seems relatively safe. What could happen?

The same goes for theme parks. I don’t think going someplace that touts itself as the happiest place on earth could ever disappoint. I’m pretty sure fairytale princesses are the kindest, safest people you’ll ever meet. A solid choice if you have a family or rambunctious twins!

The stories you are about to read are not true. They’re fiction. But before you pack your bags and head off to some enticing vacation destination, it’s in your best interest to take these stories to heart and make informed decisions about your life choices. It could make the difference between sunning yourself on the beach, getting your tan on, or keeping your skin on at all.