The crackling of the fire tries to lull me to sleep. With a zonked-out Soren snuggled against my chest, resisting the urge to close my eyes is hard, but knowing Ilan will be back soon helps me stave off sleep. Eyes held wide open, I blow out a breath and listen to the clock chime the hour. Midnight. Ilan said he’d be home by midnight.
Before I can take the thought further, the cabin’s front door opens. Ilan strides in, Jarah at his side. A frown tugs at my lips. I hadn’t been expecting company. The why leaves me anxious. I sit up, letting Soren slide into the cradle of my arms. He doesn’t wake. He sighs, and a small smile spreads over his face. I glance at Ilan. “Did Ella have any news on Soren’s twin?”
Ilan crosses the room and drops to his knees next to us. He strokes his knuckles over Soren’s cheek in a greeting I’m learning to expect between the two. Ilan isn’t overly touchy-feely but he always greets Soren this way as if reminding the little boy he’s among pack and is loved.
“Yes. Upper leadership in Shifter Affairs has agreed Brock’s insistence on splitting the twins was not in their best interest. They’ve consulted with the Shifter Council and both have signed the documents required to transfer custody of Soren’s twin to us. It’s just a matter of time now before he arrives.”
Happiness slips through me. I smile and tighten my hold on Soren. Our family will soon be together completely. Even the extended members of our family—Jarah and Daegan—have mentioned they’d be staying close by to ensure Soren remains safe. I’m glad. Since learning Jarah was trying to save Ilan, not kill him, I want to make up for my foolish assumption. “When?”
“I’m not sure. I got the impression there’s some travel time involved, so maybe a few days, but I can’t imagine it’ll be longer than that.” Ilan cups my face and waits until I meet his gaze. “Which gives us plenty of time to soul-bond, if that’s still something you want.”
“Yes and yes.”
Ilan traces my wide smile. “Are you sure? There’s something I—”
“Yes, I’m sure.” I cut Ilan off. Nothing he says will change my mind.
Ilan glances over his shoulder. “You’re good with watching Soren for a while?”
“Yes.” Jarah takes a sleeping Soren from my arms. “Nadia is coming over to help me with him. We’ll be fine.”
Ilan twines our fingers and draws me to my feet while Jarah and Soren disappear into the kitchen. No fear overcomes me with their departure. Jarah is like family to me now, and I have no doubt he’ll act as Soren’s grandfather. I turn my attention to Ilan. He’s watching me intently.
“Can we soul-bond tonight?” I don’t want to waste another moment. I need Ilan more than anything.
“If you’re willing, but—”
“I’m willing.” I don’t want to hear any more details about the process. I want to spend my eternity with Ilan. Any pain I feel guaranteeing our forever is the price I have to pay for love.
“Don’t be so quick to give your agreement. You don’t know everything yet.”
“Nothing matters. I want to spend my eternity with you, here or in your goddess’s realm. I don’t care. I just want to be with you forever.”
“But…do you want my children?” Ilan takes my other hand in his and meets my gaze.
Nolan’s revelation about Ilan and me not being able to conceive naturally isn’t something I’ve focused on. While I would’ve loved to give birth to our biological children, I won’t feel deprived never having kids. Biological ties aren’t necessary anyway. The bond between children and parents is something more, something primal and powerful. I’m content offering my love to any child in need, whether they come from my body or not. “Yes, but—”
“Our biological children, Sara.” Ilan brings my hands to his mouth and kisses my knuckles. “Not just the kids we raise out of love. I’m talking about the babies we make. You and me. My genes, your genes. The old-fashioned bump and grind to create them. You understand what I’m saying, don’t you?”
I laugh. I can’t help it. Ilan talking about “bumping and grinding” is too funny not to laugh. “Well, yes, but I already know it’s impossible. Species differences. I’m okay with it too. As long as I have you in my life, I’m content.”
“But what if we could?” Ilan holds my gaze with an intensity I can’t place. “Would you? Would you make a baby with me?”
“Yes.” I whisper the word, but the wealth of emotion behind it is overwhelming. I’m torn between wanting to scream my agreement to feeling guilty for wanting to carry our biological child.
“Even if doing so means you have to change.”
“What do you mean?”
“Every firstborn shifter has the right to choose a human female to breed with.”
Ilan looks at me expectantly. I know where this is going. Nolan explained it to me but… “You’re not a firstborn.”
“No, I’m not.” Ilan leads me to the stairs. “But my goddess gave me the ability to start my own pack. I want to do so with you.”
“With me? You want to build a pack with me?”
“Yes, I’ve never wanted anything more.” Ilan presses a finger to my mouth, stopping my words. “But I still want forever, Sara. That means if I die, so do you.”
“I know that, and I’m okay with that.”
“But are you okay with living on as the Kane spirit? Because that’s what we’ll become, the center of our pack. Our children, our grandchildren, our great-grandchildren… Every future member of the Kane pack will be ours to hold close.”
“Yes.” Tears well. I don’t bother wiping them away. The idea of being able to protect my family forever is more than I ever thought possible. “Yes, Ilan. I want that, for us to live on together, no matter where we end up.”
Ilan pulls me into his arms and kisses me so deeply, I swear he can touch my soul. Then he pulls back and meets my gaze. “I’m going to gift you with your own wolves, three to match mine. You’re going to be able to shift and run with me through the woods and—”
“Spend eternity with you.” I hold Ilan’s face between my hands. “The how and why is only the path we take. Being able to love you forever is all that matters.”
“You’re right. It does.” Ilan sweeps me into his arms and carries me up the stairs.
My heart tries to escape my chest with each step we take. Anticipation, excitement, maybe even a touch of fear wind through me, sparking a trembling in my limbs. The moment Ilan closes the door to our bedroom, I curl my hand around the back of his head and draw him closer. My lips are on his in the next moment. His groan spills into my mouth. I take in the sound along with his passion, letting everything go and focusing on loving Ilan.
The bruising press of his lips on mine intensifies, matching the almost frantic caress of his hands. Ilan’s lust is a raw force between us, setting us both on fire. I dig my nails into his scalp. It’s not enough. I need to be closer.
As if Ilan senses my desire, he adjusts his hold on my body, allowing me to wrap my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. I cling to him, but I want to be inside him. The compulsion builds. I want more than what sex can offer. It’s not enough to accept Ilan into my body. I want to touch his soul and claim a piece as is my right. Ilan belongs to me, always has.
“Ilan.” I say his name in frustration and fear. I don’t want to waste another second. Every one gives fate a chance to steal my heaven. “Hurry.”
“Sara. My Sara.” Ilan rains kisses over my face. He carries me to the bed, never taking his mouth off me. My back meets the firm mattress. Ilan’s lips trail over my cheek to my ear. “Trust me. I won’t let death steal you.”
“I do.” My breathless words hold confidence. “But hurry. I need to share your soul.”
“You already do.” Ilan slides his hands over my body. “And the piece of your soul I hold is my greatest treasure.”
Ilan’s words fan my devotion, building it until I’m consumed by love for this man. “But I can’t feel you, Ilan. I can’t feel us.”
“You will.” Ilan takes my mouth.
I grasp the hem of his shirt and jerk it upward until the material bunches between our chests. Ilan sits up and finishes tugging it off. His pants and shoes join the discarded shirt on the floor. So do mine.
The orange in Ilan’s eyes bleeds outward to encompass the white, and the primitiveness in his expression leaves my mouth dry. He drags the tip of his tongue across his lower lip, his intent clear, and my heart beats harder, the anticipation almost more than I can handle.
We fall into a rhythm of passion, giving and taking and building the lust until sweat covers our bodies. My breaths come quicker and quicker. The tightness in my body and the heaviness low in my belly builds. I’m ready to explode. I don’t. The lust builds higher than before and proves I do have more to offer Ilan. So much more. I can love him for an eternity. I let go of my doubt and trust in Ilan to wring every ounce of pleasure from my body.
The wet swipe of his tongue on the bite mark he left on my shoulder ignites a thumping in the four raised points. My heartbeat echoes in my ear as he latches on to the bite. Pressure builds. Pain follows. Sharp teeth grind against my bone. I squeeze my eyelids against the agony, but it fades before it can seize me and ruin the pleasure of our loving.
A moment of utter quiet follows before Ilan’s heartbeat echoes mine, a perfect synchronization. The thumping of our hearts spreads comfort through me even as my body tightens, readying to break apart.
Brightness shines around me, within me. I can’t tell where it’s coming from. The surroundings of our bedroom are gone. Darkness envelopes us, all except for the bright white sphere in the middle of the clouds of black.
Recognition dawns. My soul. That’s my soul. I’ve seen it before, the night Ilan claimed a piece for himself.
I move closer to the sphere as I did last time. Shadows creep over my soul. The wispy tendrils of gray slide over the glowing ball in an erotic caress, inching closer and closer to the large hole in the center. Once the gray reaches its destination, darkness will spill inside.
“Contaminating you.” Ilan’s voice drifts to me. The wisps of darkness stop their fluid approach, inches from the gaping wound on my soul. “That’s what will happen, Sara. I’ll dirty your beautiful soul with every horrid thing I’ve done.”
“You’ll balance me, Ilan.” My fingers tingle with the need to touch Ilan’s soul. There’s no resisting the urge. I’m drawn to the darkness. I dance my fingertips over the silky, smoky tendrils, and peace slips through me. “You’ll ground me, ensuring I’m strong enough to be the guiding light of our pack. Strong enough to withstand anything. Strong enough to face eternity by your side. I need you, darkness and all.”
“Sara.”
On a sigh of acceptance, Ilan fills the hole in my soul, completing me. In the next instant, icy coldness seizes me as the wound heals. My back bows. My mouth opens on a soundless scream. All I can do is stare wide-eyed as slivers of pure white weave through the dark gray tendrils wrapped around my soul. The white races outward in a swirling dance. Dizziness grips me. Pain lashes me next. Pain more intense than anything I’ve ever experienced. There’s no escaping it. Ilan’s firm hold on my soul and body stops me from seeking relief.
The brush of fur tickles me, magnifying the agony gripping me. The nudging grows more insistent. Desperation seeps into me, but it’s not mine. There’s an animalistic edge to it. I know who it belongs to. It’s Ilan’s wolves. They want to come home, but I need to let them in. If I don’t, I’ll lose them. I’ll lose Ilan.
Never.
I open my arms to Ilan’s wolves as I did Ilan. They crash into me, stealing my last breath. My heart stops again. Darkness slips over my vision, and something tugs at my soul, trying to pull me away from Ilan. I don’t fear it. I don’t fear anything. Ilan won’t let death steal me. Neither will his wolves.
Ilan and his wolves wrap around me, filling me with their devotion and strength. Their warm embrace pulls me from the edge, stealing me from death’s grip. The cold shroud creeps back, drawing me away from my own soul and dropping me back into my body.
I blink hard as awareness returns. Ilan’s love-filled eyes fill my vision. Our bedroom surrounds us. I’m cradled in his arms in the center of our bed. I don’t remember ending up here. Doesn’t matter. I’m alive and safe in Ilan’s arms.
He lifts his wrist. Blood wells from his unmarred skin. There’s no wound. The beads of dark red blood drip, though, forming rivulets down his forearm. “Finish it, Sara. Be my eternal mate, the mother of my children, and my best friend. Forever, Sara. Be mine forever.”
“Ilan.” I gently grasp Ilan’s arm and capture one of the wandering droplets of red. The flavor of chocolate hits my tongue. Power zings through me. I greedily lick up Ilan’s spilled blood, then latch on to the source of my life. That’s what Ilan’s offering me. A new life. With him.
The blood in my mouth thickens as it slides down my throat. After a moment, the sensation of choking grips me. My lungs burn. I can’t breathe. Instinct directs me. I push against Ilan’s wrist, needing air. He holds me in place with a firm hand at the back of my head so I can’t get away. I can’t stop the flow of thick liquid either. It’s choking me. I thrash against Ilan, desperation driving me this time.
He lowers me to the bed, keeping his wrist pressed to my lips. “Relax, my mate. I have you.”
Ilan’s words comfort me even while my lungs expand and my arms shake uncontrollably. I hold his gaze, focusing on the love in his eyes, and ignore the primal fear. Ilan won’t let death steal me away. I know that. He told me, and I believe him.
More of the thick liquid flows into my lungs. Every inch of my body burns, and the compulsion to fight Ilan is strong. I relax my body, letting the pain have its way with me. Ilan’s smile strengthens me, encouraging me to hold on. It’s almost over. I don’t know how I know this. I just do. As soon as the thought forms, another heartbeat echoes within my soul. Then another and another. Emotions flow through me. None are mine. They belong to my wolves. I feel them inside me.
“That’s right, my mate.” Ilan’s words skip through my mind while his all-orange eyes hold my gaze. His lips don’t move. Our bedroom still surrounds us, yet I hear Ilan talking in my mind. “You have your own set of wolves, a gift from my goddess. They’re beautiful too, just like you are.”
“I can’t see them.” I speak the words out loud. I don’t know how to say them in my head.
Ilan smiles. Still, his mouth doesn’t open. “You will soon, just as you’ll learn to talk to me this way. You’ll learn everything, and you’ll be powerful.”
“I’ll become a fitting mate for you.”
“You always were perfect for me, Sara.” Ilan proclaims his devotion out loud. The love and pride in his voice reflects what I see in his eyes. “I just never thought I deserved you.”
“Then it’s a good thing I never gave up on you.”
“Yes, a very good thing. I love you, Sara. You’re my conscience, my reason for living, my very own angel.”
Knowing what I mean to Ilan satisfies me on a level I’ll never again have to hide. “And I love you, Ilan. You’re my cornerstone, the reason I fight.”
And together, we’ll never lose.