“I HAD THE WORST WEEK BECAUSE OF YOU,” Mike said. “We’re going to have a chat. I’m taking you for coffee and not here at the hospital. We’re going somewhere nice. Come on.”
Amelia wasn’t happy but she followed him to an old beat-up white car. “Nice ride,” she said. “I thought you were the next Steve Jobs.”
“It takes time,” Mike said. “Here, let me clear the seat off for you.” The passenger seat was covered in papers and books about marketing and computing.
Amelia gave the stack that Mike put on the back seat a cursory once over, and announced, “We’ve got nothing in common.” She looked at him pointedly and then pulled on her seatbelt.
“I think we eat a raisin together pretty well,” Mike said and Amelia smiled.
“Yeah, we do. Does your girlfriend know you’re taking me out for coffee?”
“She does not and I’m not proud of that.”
“Not being proud of your actions isn’t good enough. I should leave,” Amelia said but she made no move to unfasten her seatbelt.
Mike rested his head on the steering wheel. “Fine,” he said. “Go, then. I’m tired of chasing you. These groups knock the shit out of me if you must know and I’m tired. I have to make up the hours I spend here and work is super pressured. So if you really want to go, then go and I won’t bug you again.”
“No, I’m sorry.” Amelia spoke quickly. “I do want to talk to you too. I’m sorry. I’m afraid of getting to like you too much. And I most likely shouldn’t have said that either but it’s true.”
He put his hand on hers and next thing they were necking across the gear stick, with Amelia still strapped into her seat belt.
“You make me so hot,” Mike said and he cupped his hand behind her neck. “But let’s go. I want to tell you about Jane because I want you to know who she is, so she’s not just some arbitrary name. We started dating when we were both fourteen. Babies. We went through high school together and she was head of the cheerleading squad and I was the quarterback hero. It was like Dr. Carroll said, and it was great. But then school ended and I feel like we did too, but I don’t know how to tell her. How do you tell someone you’ve spent eight years with that you don’t want to be with them any more? It’s killing me, Amelia. And the truth is, maybe things won’t work out between you and me, but the fact that I feel about you the way I do means that Jane’s not right for me.”
Amelia wanted to throw up. Her stomach lurched when he said that things might not work out between them. She gulped and didn’t want to say anything in case she cried, so she sat very still.
Mike put the car into drive. “Let’s go somewhere better than this to talk,” he said.
He took her to a coffee shop with leather sofas and low-slung wooden coffee tables and original art on the walls. Amelia felt out of place. She knew nothing about the cool trendy side of the world. There were galleries and coffee shops and boutiques and all manner of things that she was completely in the dark about. Her idea of a good time was to walk down a street she had never been on, and to look for treasures. She loved nothing more than the glowing shimmer of light behind tightly closed curtains, where she imagined a family enjoying peace after a long day and sharing the adventures they had had with each other.
She sat down on a sofa and waited for Mike to return with their lattes. He settled in close to her, his thighs touching hers.
“I want to kiss you so much,” he said, “but we must talk first.”
“Mike, can I say this?” Amelia dipped the tip of her finger into the foam of her latte and stirred it. “I’m not part of this world.” She gestured around her. “And it never mattered to me before I met you. But now I realize how out of touch I am. The only thing I know about is Joan of Arc and the English literature that I study. I don’t know about art or politics or economics or the best music to listen to or places to eat, or anything like that. You’ll think I am exaggerating, that I can’t be that much in the dark, but I am. I don’t watch TV. I never have. TV just seems so stupid. And I don’t go to the movies either. And you might think that my way of living sounds unusual and interesting and it is to me, but it won’t be to you or anybody else. And you’ll get annoyed when I repeatedly have no idea what you are talking about.”
He listened intently while she spoke, his eyes focused on hers. “Amelia,” he said, “you can teach me things about your world that you find wonderful and I can share things with you that will enrich yours. I’m not some big party guy. I go snowboarding in winter. I ride bicycles in summer. I rollerblade a bit and that’s me.”
“I can’t snowboard. Or ski. But I can ride a bicycle,” she offered. “And if you wanted to go to a movie with me, I would like to try. I shouldn’t dismiss movies. Maybe I’d like them with you.” They smiled at each other.
“But first,” he said. “I have to tell Jane.” His face clouded over. “She’s a good woman, she is.”
Amelia ripped a piece of paper from her notebook. “Here’s my email and my phone number. Contact me only if you break up with her.”
He agreed and took the piece of paper from her. “Stay a little while, though. Let’s trade stories,” he said. “What’s your earliest childhood memory?”
Amelia laughed. “You sound like Dr. Carroll. Well, Doctor, my earliest memory is of my second birthday party. It was a day of freezing rain and I still wanted to have my party outside. I couldn’t understand why no one else wanted to be out there in the rain with me. I cried and cried and everybody left and my mother was mad at me for ruining everything.”
“Where was your father?”
“He was there but he was already on his way out the door. He left us for years, but he’s back now. My dad’s a whole other ball of wax. I’ll tell you about him one day. He’s a saga, no haiku there.”
Mike looked confused.
“And you,” Amelia said, changing the subject. “What’s your first memory?”
He grinned. “It was the first time I rode my bike without training wheels. My dad was running next to me and my mom was watching us and she was smiling. It was a summer’s day and I felt so proud of myself and happy.”
“That’s a lovely memory,” she said. “Are you still close to your parents?”
“Very. And you?”
“Yeah, I am. But they’re not what you’d call ordinary. The only ordinary one is my Nana and she raised me. She home-schooled me and she was more like a mother to me than my Mom. If you must know, my mom’s an obsessed body-builder and a fake tanning freak, and I live with her and my Nana in Scarborough. My dad’s a nationally-acclaimed poet who lives in an empty mansion in Rosedale.”
“When did they get divorced?”
“They didn’t. They’re still married. And, I swear, they’re still in love. Like I said, it’s a very long story.”
“Sounds like a very interesting story,” Mike said and he looked at his watch. “Oh, man. Listen, I have to go. I’m so sorry. I don’t want you to think I don’t want to talk more because I do. There’s nothing I’d like better but I have to get back to work. Can I drop you anywhere?”
“No, I’m good here for a bit.”
“Are you sure? I hate to leave you. I’ve got a project I’ve got to get finished and—”
“You don’t have to explain,” Amelia said. “But promise to always tell the truth.”
“I promise. Oh, Amelia.” He pulled her to her feet and held her close, and she fitted perfectly into him. She laid her head on his chest, wrapped her arms around him, and both of them pressed tightly together.
“You smell so good,” he said. “You smell like strawberries and wet grass and trees after a storm and electricity in the air and hot sunshine. You smell like all those things and more. And you’re so tiny, Amelia. You’re like a tiny little bird that landed near me by mistake and I’m so afraid you’ll fly away.”
“I won’t,” she said. “Not yet. Only if we can’t be together. Then I’ll have to.”
“I know,” he said. “See you soon?”
“See you soon?” She echoed his question and he left and she watched him through the window. She saw him drive away, his face intense with concentration and she saw a glimpse of the old man he would become. She thought it would be nice to watch him grow old and be by his side as he did.
She meandered home happily, trying to focus on the good things he had said and she avoided thinking about the ghost of Jane who hovered between them.
When she got home, she found her mother in a panic and her thoughts and dreams about her own day fled in a rush.
“Nana’s in hospital!” Megan said, greeting Amelia at the door and leading her quickly inside. Megan, a wrinkled, chain-smoking, muscle-bound tangerine, paced the room in a neon pink bikini and a cropped sheer white gown. “I took Nana to see the doctor,” she explained to Amelia. “And they immediately made her go to the hospital for tests. I had to take a class so I left her there. I should never had left her there by herself.”
To Amelia’s horror, Megan started crying and it sounded like she was having an asthma attack.
“Mom,” Amelia said gently, and she knelt down next to her mother who had collapsed on the sofa. “Mom, take little breaths, okay? Breathe out more than you breathe in. That’s right. Little breaths. That’s better. Now, go and get dressed into something less stripper-like and then we’ll go and see Nana.”
“You’re right. I must get changed.” Megan padded down the stairs and into her bedroom with Amelia following. Megan matched Amelia for disastrous messiness, and she picked up a pair of track pants off the floor.
“What’s wrong with Nana?” Amelia was afraid to ask.
“They don’t know. Something to do with her stomach. She’s got a blockage, they said, and they have to try to remove it. They even said she may need surgery tomorrow.”
“How do you know this? Did you speak to a doctor?”
“No. Nana phoned me. She sounded so calm. She even told me not to come back to the hospital today. As if.”
“Why didn’t you call me?”
Megan looked dazed. “I don’t know. You were at therapy. And I wanted to try and be calm for when you got home, which obviously didn’t happen.”
“Does Nana need us to take her anything?”
“I don’t know, I never thought to ask.”
“If she went there thinking she’d be home soon, she probably didn’t take anything. I’m going to get her toothbrush and pack her slippers and her gown and pajamas.”
“We should take her some fruit.”
“Not if she’s being operated on tomorrow,” Amelia said. “She won’t be allowed to eat anything.”
“You’re right. You’re so much better with these things than me.”
“Nana trained me well,” Amelia said and she tried to smile. The thought of Nana in hospital had banished the joy that Mike had brought her.
She packed the bag and returned to find Megan still sitting on her bed. “Come on, Mom, let’s go.”
“We should tell your father. He loves her too,” Megan said and she started crying again.
“There’s nothing to tell yet. Come on, Mom. Find some shoes. Let’s go already.”
She finally got Megan bundled into the car, the car that Megan seemed unable to start.
“Mom! What’s going on with you?” Amelia looked her mother who was hugging the steering wheel and shaking.
“I hate hospitals,” Megan said. “I’m afraid of them. They put the fear of god into me. The last time I was in one was when I had you. That’s why I left Mom there earlier. I’m afraid to go back.”
“Get a grip, Mom. Nana needs us. We don’t have time for your drama.”
“When did you become such a nasty little bitch?” Megan sniped but she started the car and put it into drive. “I’ll be interested to see what you’re like when you’re my age and life’s given you a few knocks of your own.”
“I thought I was a gift, not a knock,” Amelia pointed out and Megan looked slightly shamefaced.
“You are, sweetie, you are. I meant losing my dad and Henry going screwy on me.”
“Dad was screwy when you met him,” Amelia commented and her mother gave her such a dark look that Amelia decided to shut up.
“And then Emilio turned out to be gay. He’s the only other man, apart from your father, that I have ever loved and he’s gay. That’s what I mean by knocks, Amelia. You’ll see.”
Amelia thought about Jane and she wanted to tell her mother that she already had an inkling, but she wasn’t in the mood to talk about it, and certainly not with her mother.
They drove to the hospital in silence and Amelia thought about how familiar the place was becoming.
“Here we are. Mom, no hysterics, please. Promise me. This is about Nana, not you.”
“I am an adult,” Megan said, affronted, but as soon as she caught sight of her mother in a hospital gown, she dissolved into a fit of tears. Ethel was asleep, fragile-looking and vulnerable and Amelia found tears rising to the back her of throat too.
“Please take my mom outside,” Amelia said to the nurse. “I don’t want her upsetting Nana.” The nurse nodded and led an unprotesting Megan away.
“Nana?” Amelia said softly. “I brought you your jammies.”
Ethel opened her eyes and smiled. “Thank heavens. Come on, child. Let’s get me out of this ridiculous nonsense that they call a gown.”
Amelia helped Ethel get dressed and she was dismayed to see how thin her grandmother had become. “Nana, look at you. You are skin and bone. I feel terrible. I never noticed.”
“I didn’t want to worry anyone, so I wore more layers. I thought it was something that would go away and that I would put the weight the back on.”
“What did the doctors say?”
“It’s a blockage. They have to operate.”
“I’ll stay with you the whole time.”
“You don’t need to do that. I’m fine.”
“You may be fine but I’m not. And Mom’s a mess.”
Ethel laughed. “I’m sure she is.” She tied her dressing gown tightly. “I’m so glad you brought my things. I feel so much more human in my own clothes. Besides, I was freezing wearing that oversized dishcloth. You brought my toothbrush, that’s just lovely. My teeth feel like a lawn that needs mowing.”
Ethel gingerly made her way to the bathroom to brush her teeth while Amelia went to find the nurse to ask her if she had an update on Ethel’s results.
Ethel still had a mouthful of foam when Megan, somewhat more composed, rushed into the tiny washroom and clung to her mother. “I couldn’t bear it if anything happened to you,” she wailed. “I am sorry I’m such a selfish horrible daughter. You can’t die. I need you too much.”
Ethel spat into the sink and rinsed her toothbrush. “I’m not going anywhere,” she said. “Now get off me. You’re heavy, Megan.”
“Are you telling me I’ve put on weight? Jeez, thanks Mom, when I’ve a competition coming up too.”
“Meggie, I’ve got the strength of a half-starved sparrow right now, that’s all I’m saying. A Q-tip feels heavy.”
Amelia came back and helped Ethel into the bed and Megan rubbed her temples.
“I’m sorry, Mom, There I go again: me, me, me. Listen, do you need me to stay? I’m supposed to take a class in an hour but I can get someone to sub for me.”
“No, you go on. I’ve got Amelia here with me. I’m fine.”
“Good! Amelia, you will phone me if there’s anything?”
“Will do, Mom, but they’ve said that the operation is not tomorrow, but the day after, so we’ve got some waiting time ahead.”
“I should tell Henry,” Megan said and Amelia agreed.
“I’ll see if he’s in any state to come back to the hospital with me later,” Megan said. “But he’s close to finishing a collection and that’s never a great time for him, as we know too well.”
Megan left and Ethel and Amelia looked at each other with relief.
“So, dear,” Ethel patted the blanket on the bed. “Come and sit next to your Nana and tell me the gossip about today’s group. Was it crazier than the last one?”
“Oh Nana! You have no idea! It’s like a soap opera, only worse, and this is real life!”
“Start at the beginning and don’t leave anything out,” Ethel ordered. “And I mean the bits about you and Mike too.”
Amelia blushed and told her gran the whole story in detail. But she did leave out one bit — how she and Mike had meditated with the raisin.
The doctors removed the blockage and kept Ethel in hospital for a further week. Amelia, while relieved that Nana was on the mend, was distressed that she hadn’t heard from Mike. “He’s taken my heart and slain it upon a butcher block,” she told Ethel.
Ethel, propped up and pale, tried to reassure her. “Breaking up is hard to do, dear. Particularly with them having been together that long. I think it speaks very well of him that he won’t just ditch her, or that he can’t. Imagine if it was you, in love with him and thinking that the two of you were going to be together forever and then hearing that it was over.”
“Over because he met some nutcase during therapy at a hospital,” Amelia added. “But Nana, how will I even face him at group today? “
“Be strong, dear. I know it’s so easy for me to say, but you can’t let him see how hurt you are. He hasn’t earned that right. “
Amelia nodded. “I’ll come and see you right away after group,” she told Ethel.
“Unless Mike wants to take you somewhere,” Ethel said but Amelia shook her head. She knew better.
And she was right.