After being shaken to the core with news of twins, Riggs settled into a routine. He’d work all day and join the family for dinner. No more random trips to the Shady Grind for a cold beer. Now that Winona was no longer sick all day, she ate everything that hadn’t been nailed down.
Boxes began to arrive almost daily. They were all Winona’s clothes, shipped from her home in Nashville. He didn’t know one person could own so much stuff. She had his closet stuffed to overflowing. He’d finally removed what few clothes he had and let her have the entire space. Still wasn’t enough. He’d swear that she had approximately six hundred pairs of shoes.
They’d had a minor disagreement when she’d redecorated his bedroom in pink and white with more pillows than a small village required. But he’d agreed that yes, he wanted her to be comfortable, and no, he didn’t know that pink inspired calm and serene. It was temporary, he reminded himself.
Things were going well, and expectations were being met on all sides.
He just hadn’t prepared for…this.
“Isn’t it beautiful?” Winona held up a quilt as he walked in the door for supper.
He’d forgotten about the marriage quilts that the SORROW ladies made for every bride. They were a sentimental tradition that he could have done without and had managed to escape the first time. It was just one of the many ways that the women of Stone Ridge were made to feel special, but Winona was not from Stone Ridge.
Having his and Winona’s names in the center of this open heart sent him into a tailspin. The expression on her face, and the way she held it tenderly to her neck. No. That was…not right. Delores beamed with pride. Suddenly this marriage felt so damn…permanent. All the air left his lungs in a rush. He’d been okay with this marriage until the moment he saw their names on a quilt, which didn’t make much sense to him. He should have noticed this earlier. Their names had been together on a cake, and more importantly on their wedding certificate. But those were all things she’d objected to, and given him a hard time about, and this… She was happy about this.
“Huh…yeah. That’s nice.” He schooled his expression from what he assumed to be one of horror into casual indifference.
“Nice?” Winona said. “This is a work of art, buddy. I’m going to go put it on my bed, but I wanted you to see it first.”
“You mean our bed,” he said as Delores pulled a roast out of the oven, happily oblivious of the tornado building in Riggs’s chest. He followed Winona into the bedroom and shut the door. “What are you doin’?”
She blinked. “I just told you.”
“You said your bed, not ours. And don’t you think if I were actually sleeping with you, I’d see the quilt more often? You’re not makin’ this easy!”
“What am I doing wrong?”
You’re being too nice.
I’m not ready for this.
I don’t want this.
I don’t want to feel anything deeper for you.
All these other tender feelings that she brought to the surface were too much. He didn’t love her. He didn’t want to love her. Damn it, he didn’t have to love her! That wasn’t in the contract. While he realized how ridiculous that sounded, he clung to the idea. They’d spelled it all out in black and white and now she was cheating. Making him feel something deeper for her was not part of the deal. He wasn’t even getting sex out of this, for crying out loud! Their marriage was a joke.
“You’re…” He struggled for the words. “Gettin’ too wrapped up in this. Don’t get so good at fakin’ that you start to believe the lie. That wasn’t part of the deal. We’re not in love. That’s not happening here.”
Her eyes shimmered with the spark of irritation and he welcomed that. This was what he understood, his comfort zone, and what he could handle from her. He could deal with her anger and hostility, but he didn’t appreciate the deep sense of commitment she’d begun to inspire in him. This wasn’t a real marriage and he wouldn’t kid himself.
Anger had turned out to be an effective coping tool for staying away from her. For not letting his longing and desire make any decisions.
“I’m so sorry if I’m not straddling the line carefully enough for you. Fake it, just don’t fake it too much. Am I right?” She threw the quilt on the bed and went hand on hip.
“No, that’s not what I said.”
“Gosh, then maybe you had better explain it better to poor, dumb Winona.”
“Stop that,” he ground out.
“What’s wrong with this tradition, Riggs? Because you certainly do love your traditions. This one, though, might be too much for you, because I like it! And that you can’t handle.”
“Stop yelling!” he yelled and closed the distance between them.
Damn. She was right! He clung to tradition like he clung to this ranch and his legacy as a Henderson. He might not be blood, but he refused to give up his claim or admit deep down maybe he wasn’t one of them. He was a foster kid whose own parents hadn’t wanted him. Maybe he’d never be good enough.
But he could never allow Phil or anyone else to question he was one of the Hendersons of Stone Ridge. Keeping his legacy had become everything to him. And now he had two children on the way that raised the stakes for him. At least he liked this Winona, tough and challenging, not weepy and sentimental. Surely there could be nothing wrong with that preference. Because she was strong and fierce, and this was the woman he’d be proud to have as the mother of his children.
She stood below him as he dwarfed her, a small woman with the strength and force of a hurricane. Her chin tipped in defiance. Eyes shimmered with intelligence. This was not a stupid woman. She was smart and scrappy. A survivor like him.
He admired her grit more than he could say even if that courage of hers often bit him in the ass.
Raking a hand through his hair, he let out a frustrated breath. “Look, I’m sorry I yelled. That’s not normally how I do things. You make me a little crazy. I don’t know, I guess this is what happens when you leave the sex out of a marriage.”
She snorted. “What?”
He stepped close, tweaked her nose and watched as her eyes grew warm. “Sex. We don’t have sex.”
“I realize that. I just didn’t know you had a problem with it.”
“Well, of course I do!” His voice rose a notch again, and he forced himself to quiet down. “That’s one of the only benefits of marriage, isn’t it?”
“Yes, as I recall.” Her voice softer, she slid her hand up and down his arm. “I mean, it’s the one thing we do well together. We made a baby, our first and only time.”
“And it’s not like I can get you pregnant.”
“Plus, everybody already thinks we’re having sex.”
“There is that.”
“Not to mention we’re married. It’s legal and everything. Moral. Upstanding.”
“Yeah, that’s the point.” He tucked a stray hair behind her ear. “Sure.”
“I don’t think you like me, though.”
“Don’t be crazy. ’Course I like you.”
“You liked me before. Then you found out about this crazy thing I tried to do, and you haven’t really forgiven me for that.”
“No. That’s where you’re wrong.” He met her eyes. “I have.”
“So, you believe me? That I didn’t mean to involve you.” Her eyes glimmered, so damn hopeful. It tore at his heart.
“Yeah. There were two of us that night, and we were both out of our minds with lust. At our age, that shouldn’t happen. But, hell, it did. Either it’s nobody’s fault, or it’s both of ours.”
“I’d like to say it’s nobody’s fault. I’m gettin’ babies out of this.”
“Me too.”
She bit her lower lip. “But I do miss sex. We were pretty amazing together.”
“It was only a few weeks ago.” He’d gone a lot longer than that without sex. He paused, then shook his head, fighting a smile. “And I miss it, too.”
“See, we do have something in common.”
“A lot more than you realize, actually.” He took her hand and brushed a kiss across her knuckles. A question had been buzzing in his mind for weeks and he’d never bothered to ask. “I never asked you. Why didn’t you just go with a sperm bank?”
“That’s what Kim wanted me to do. But I wanted to see the father’s face. My baby might look like him.” She studied his face, a not-so-subtle reminder that his children might look like him.
He found himself wishing for girls who would look like their mother. Who would have that same fighting spirit that ensured no man would ever take advantage, even when he wasn’t around to make sure of it.
“That doesn’t sound like you. It sounds romantic and pretty sentimental.”
“You have a lot to learn about me, cowboy.”
“But all of your songs… They’re anthems to getting drunk and having a good time.”
“I didn’t write those songs.” She stroked his beard bristle with her thumb and sent a sliver of heat pulsating through him. “Check out some of my other stuff sometime. They’re all love songs. Somehow they don’t sell.”
Now he felt like a Neanderthal for putting her in a little box where he imagined many others did as well. “Us having sex… It’s going to complicate things even more.”
“It already did.” She patted her belly.
“Yeah, but—”
“Don’t worry about me. I won’t think that having sex has to mean something. It would be just so that we can stop being lonely and sexually frustrated. We’re stuck with each other for nearly a year. After that, we’ll divorce and go our separate ways.”
“That was the plan.”
“And I have no intention of changing your plan.”
He lowered his lips to hers with a hard, deep, passionate kiss that went on for several minutes. Her hands fisted in his hair, and his lowered to her behind. He maneuvered them closer to the bed and they tumbled down on top of the soft quilt. He rolled, keeping her under him.
Ah. Sex on a bed, the way nature intended. The reminder that the first time he’d kissed her was the same night they had sex spiked through him, leaving him with a sense of regret. She deserved better. He should have courted her. Taken his time. If he’d known it would get to this point, he would have.
But then again, if he’d simply pursued her, maybe they’d have never reached this point. She might not be pregnant, and she might not be his wife, and for the first time he realized how much a small part of him would have regretted that.
Even if they were completely unsuited to each other, they had this.
“Dinner!” Delores’s shrill voice called out, startling them both.
He pressed his forehead to hers, groaned, then braced himself above her. “I should fire her.”
“Don’t even joke about that.”
He rolled off her, then offered her his hand. “C’mon, wife, let’s go tell them about the babies.”
“I thought we were going to wait.”
“I’m tired of lying to my family. They’re just going to have to deal with it.”
“Then, I should tell you that Delores figured it out, just today. She asked me how far along I was, and I had to tell her.” She looked at him from under hooded eyes.
“Guess I’m not surprised.”
“I still get a little sick every morning. If you were with me, you’d know this.”
He took her hand, led her to the door. “I’ll see what I can do about that.”
“There you are! I thought you forgot us,” Delores said. “How does the quilt look on your bed?”
“Perfect,” Winona said.
Riggs noted that Sean still appeared worried, the crease that formed between his eyes deeper than normal. Hard to believe his brother would be thirty-five this year. Still unmarried. Riggs often wondered if that had anything to do with his example. And Colton was thirty-two, never married, still in the service, having re-upped with no plans to come home anytime soon. Until now, Riggs hadn’t provided much of an example to either of them for settling down. He wasn’t at all sure that he was doing that now.
He pulled the chair out for Winona.
“See that, Sean?” Delores said, passing the bread basket. “That’s how a good husband treats his wife.”
“Uh-huh,” Sean said. “Hey, Winona? When was the first moment you realized you loved my brother? Was it when he said ‘hello’?”
“I guess it really was love at first sight.” Her voice sounded similar to the night she’d gone up on stage and introduced her first hit.
“I don’t think Riggs believes in love at first sight,” Sean said, passing the mashed potatoes.
“Maybe I do now,” Riggs said.
“There’s nothin’ more romantic,” Delores said. “You wouldn’t understand, Sean.”
He scowled. “All I know is it took Riggs a year to decide on a new truck.”
“Trucks are expensive,” Delores said.
“Right. It’s not a decision you rush into,” Sean said. “This is all I’m sayin’.”
“Enough,” Riggs said. “We get it. You don’t think we should have rushed into marriage. But I’m forty-two, and I don’t see why I should have to wait another minute to be happy.”
An absolute silence followed, as loud as a roar, and Sean studied his plate. “Sorry, bro. You deserve to be happy. It’s been a long time.”
Sean was likely thinking of Jenny. But that hadn’t been on Riggs’s mind so much as the fact that he’d waited too long to get married again. He might be too set in his ways now. Too unwilling to accommodate children and all that would bring into his life. Chaos. And plenty of…feelings. He didn’t know that he was ready, but he would do this anyway and prepare himself the best he could.
“We have an announcement to make,” Riggs said. “Winona and I found out that we’re pregnant. And having twins.”
Sean’s fork clattered on his plate. “Twins?”
“I couldn’t be happier for you two!” Delores said, clapping her hands.
For someone who already knew, she did a fair job of sounding surprised.
Winona turned to Sean. “I know you’re worried about your brother. But I swear to you, I’ll never hurt him.”
He appreciated the attempt, but the words were useless. It was his job to make certain that she never hurt him.
“It’s just… I’m sorry, but you’ve been married a lot of times,” Sean said.
“Okay, now,” Delores said. “Let’s not judge someone by their past.”
They ate quietly after that, the sound of forks scraping against dinner plates taking the place of conversation. Delores made small talk about the clinic, Dr. Grant, Trixie the midwife, and Sadie Carver, the town’s first teacher.
“She might be teaching your children someday.” Delores pointed to Riggs with her fork.
Once the dishes had been cleared, Winona headed to the bedroom, tossing one last inviting look to him. But Riggs was sidetracked, talking to Sean about plans for the new calves they’d have coming into the world soon. The vet bills would be expensive, but they also would be taking some cattle to auction soon. As long as beef prices held, they ought to be okay. He often thought his brother didn’t fully understand how difficult it had become for the ranch to sustain itself.
“It might not be such a bad idea to sell some of the land to that developer that keeps asking,” Sean said. “You could sure use it now. Having twins is going to be damn expensive. On the other hand, your wife is a millionaire. Maybe money isn’t going to be much of an issue.”
“I expect to pull my weight and support my children.”
It wasn’t like he hadn’t thought of selling off some of their land. But though he was tempted, he’d find another way. A local dairy farmer and neighbor had asked for grazing permission recently. Riggs, of course, would let him do it for free. But maybe there was some other way he could use the land.
“Now more than ever we should hold on to this legacy. For my children. And your children, too.”
“If we can,” Sean said. “But let’s not kill ourselves doing it. You’re going to be mighty busy with two kids. That’s one for each of you.”
Riggs would be lucky if that happened. Lucky to have two kids running around his ranch full time. Lucky to have to hire help because he and Winona couldn’t keep up. The reality was that he would share custody with Winona, and what that meant in practicality, he had no idea. But it sure wasn’t the pretty picture Sean had painted.
Even after Delores had left for the evening, and Sean retired to his room, Riggs didn’t join Winona. Instead he walked with Mutt to the spare bedroom which doubled as an office, leaned back in his chair, and stared at the cracks in his ceiling. He wanted to be with Winona so much that he almost shook with the need. He knew exactly what waited for him.
A beautiful passionate woman who made him a little bit crazy. She had the ability to render him into a mute block of lust that couldn’t think or reason. He’d proven that in a stellar way and would live with that consequence for the rest of his life. All he had to do was knock on the door and within minutes he’d be inside of her where he could bury every worry under a slab of cement. But he knew before he closed his eyes that he wasn’t going to do any such thing. He wouldn’t bury a damn thing. He would keep his worries next to him, where he could watch over them.
So yeah, he wanted her, and that raw chemistry and incredible connection between them. But he couldn’t ignore the nagging certainty that sex would change everything. He couldn’t simply tell himself that he was living in a temporary fake marriage until after his children were born.
No, he wasn’t avoiding sex.
He was avoiding intimacy.