Well, I’m certainly glad I was sitting down when I heard this news. If you’re at all faint of heart, you might want to do so yourself, and get the smelling salts right now. Yes, it’s true. THE Winona James, famous country singer, and CMA three-time winner of the best vocalist of the year, has made Stone Ridge her home. But were that ALL I’d have to tell you, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. After all, Stone Ridge, Texas, is home to Jackson Carver, country singer, and bona fide man of Stone Ridge. Born and bred. To us, famous country singers are not as big of a deal as they would be somewhere else, like for instance, say…Kerrville.
As the head of the SORROW, I was one of the first to welcome the new young lady to our small town. We were sure happy to have her, as we certainly don’t have enough single women for all of our single men, and we would like to see some marriages going on lickety-split. And though I was getting ready to launch an email-order bride service, a few in town are squeamish about the idea. I’m in agreement that we can’t just let any woman move here and stake her claim to one of the men of Stone Ridge. But this is all to say that I more than welcomed Winona James into our quaint little female-scarcity town. She comes vetted, so good or bad, we know what we’re getting.
Then I heard what she was up to, and that’s when I required said smelling salts. Apparently, Miss James is here in town to acquire herself a sperm donor! Yep, you read that right, folks. Not a husband, not a partner, not a lover, all she seems to need is the seed. For shame! The few of us in the know about her plans want to ask why on earth she doesn’t just go to one of those banks they have in big cities where all the heathen live. Like, for instance, Dallas. Well, don’t you know Miss James’s first victim target was Jackson Carver himself, her THIRD ex-husband. But when his fiancée Eve got wind of that, well, you can just imagine. Jackson was rumored to have said, “‘No thank you, ma’am’ but in more colorful language. I’ll spare you the details.
Now, as if all of this isn’t scandalous enough for us, the woman is interviewing men for the position of the father of her child. Butter my biscuit, because I never imagined the line would be so long! All I can say is, whoever the poor man is, he best find a way to keep his baby in Stone Ridge, even if he has to hog-tie the mother.
~ Beulah Hayes, President of SORROW (Society of Reasonable, Respectable, Orderly Women) and keeper of the Men of Stone Ridge bible, 10th edition ~