TWO

 

Six weeks later Mama, Zack, the boys, and I slowly snaked our way along the security line within the cavernous Gemstones of the Seven Seas cruise terminal in Bayonne, New Jersey. “Are there several ships leaving today?” asked Nick.

“Just ours,” I said. “Why?”

He twisted around to scope out the vast, crowded interior, his eyes growing wide. “All these people are going on the same ship as us?”

“All these and then some,” said Mama. “The Gemstone Empress holds four-thousand passengers plus fifteen-hundred crew members.”

When I raised an eyebrow in her direction, she offered up an overly dramatic sigh. Then she said, “I met Poor Lou on this ship.”

Poor Lou Beaumont would have become Mama’s sixth husband if not for his untimely death by knitting needle to the heart. I draped my arm around her shoulders and muttered, “Of all the cruise ships Ira could have chosen...”

“Lou died before you met Ira,” Zack reminded me.

“True, but had he consulted us before booking this surprise Christmas present, Mama could have told him to choose a different ship. She doesn’t need a week of being confronted with bittersweet memories every time she rounds a corner.”

My mother waved a gloved hand in dismissal. “I don’t mind, dear. I plan to spend the cruise reliving all those wonderful times we had on the ship, not crying over them. It’s just that…” Her eyes took on a faraway look.

“What, Mama?”

“I keep thinking about how, if Lou hadn’t died, I never would have married Lawrence.”

Now it was my turn to sigh. Mama’s marriage to Lawrence Tuttnauer was one more strike against my husband’s long-lost half-brother. If not for Ira, Mama would never have met Lawrence, let alone married him. Shortly after walking into our lives, Ira introduced Mama to his widower father-in-law. By the end of the summer Flora Sudberry Periwinkle Ramirez Scoffield Goldberg O’Keefe had become Flora Sudberry Periwinkle Ramirez Scoffield Goldberg O’Keefe Tuttnauer.

Mama never has any trouble finding husbands. She looks twenty years younger than her actual age of sixty-six and wears several sizes smaller than yours truly. On top of that, she looks like a young Ellen Burstyn from back when the actress starred in Same Time Next Year. As a result, Mama attracts men like boy bands attract teenybopper groupies.

However, Mama had a lousy track record when it came to keeping those husbands. With the exception of my father, most died within a year of their vows.

Lawrence had broken the dead husband cycle. Mama’s marriage to him ended in divorce after his arrest for a laundry list of felonies. However, more importantly, if Mama hadn’t met and married Lawrence, several of his victims would be planting daisies come spring, not pushing up daisies from six feet under.

Alex paused from his nonstop texting and pulled his eyes from the screen. Worry clouded his features. “Sophie and her dad are stuck in traffic on the Turnpike. What if they don’t arrive in time?”

Alex’s girlfriend had cajoled her father into canceling their planned ski trip to join us on the cruise. I liked Sophie, but sometimes I worried about the speed of their relationship. She and Alex had only met at the beginning of the school year after Shane Lambert and his daughter relocated from North Dakota to Westfield. Alex fell head-over-heels for the newcomer who reminded me of a petite version of Nicole Kidman.

“The ship doesn’t sail for another four hours,” said Zack. “If they’re on the Turnpike, they’re only a few miles away.”

“They can always walk,” said Nick.

Alex rolled his eyes at his brother. “And what do you suggest they do with their car, Doofus?”

Nick waved his hand in a dismissive gesture. “Ditch it on the side of the road. It’s not like Shane can’t afford to buy another car after the cruise. The guy has a bazillion dollars.”

I directed a Mom Look his way.

“What?” he said. “It’s true.”

I shook my head. A bazillion dollars—if there was such a thing—was probably a gross exaggeration. However, having won one of the largest lotteries in history, Shane Lambert wasn’t hurting for funds. Rather than lecturing my son, I said, “I think there may be a law against deliberately abandoning a vehicle on the Turnpike.”

Nick offered up a shrug. “So he pays a fine.”

“Shane would give his car away before he’d abandon it,” said Alex, defending the ethical principles of his girlfriend’s father.

“Whatever,” said Nick. “I’m just saying there are ways to avoid missing the cruise.”

“No one is going to miss the cruise,” I said.

We finally inched our way up to the front of the security checkpoint. I placed my carry-on, purse, and coat on the conveyor belt and stepped through the body scan. While I waited for my items to make their way through the X-ray machine, I heard the opening bars of “Defying Gravity” coming from inside the scanner. The TSA agent monitoring the video screen chuckled.

“Must be a fellow Wicked fan,” said Zack, matching her chuckle with one of his own.

“Then she has excellent taste in musical theater.” I caught the agent’s eye and gave her a thumbs-up.

Once I’d retrieved my belongings, I checked the Missed Call display. “Tino.”

“They’re probably stuck in the same traffic jam as Shane and Sophie,” said Zack.

My phone dinged a text message: Call ASAP.

Tino answered on the first ring. “Hey, Mrs. P. Change of plans.”

“What’s going on?”

He answered with a loud yawn. “Sorry. Haven’t slept.”

“Where are you?”

“Back at Ira’s house. Finally.”

“Back from where? And why haven’t you slept?”

“We’ve been at the hospital since four this morning.”

Zack’s brows knit together. I mouthed “hospital” to him before continuing to speak with Tino, “Let me guess. Isaac climbed out his bedroom window again, and this time he fell and broke a leg.”

“Worse. Ira was rushed into surgery with acute appendicitis.”

“Oh dear! Is he okay?”

“He is now. He’s out of recovery and resting in his room. I’ve notified the cruise line for him. You’re to go to Guest Services as soon as you board the ship.”

“Why?”

“Ira arranged to move you to his suite instead of the three cabins he booked for you, the boys, and Flora. They’ll have your new cruise cards waiting.”

I gritted my teeth. “How nice of him.” Personally, I’d rather have a shoebox-sized cabin next to the boiler room as long as it came with complete privacy.

“He said to tell you to enjoy the cruise. He’ll book another family vacation for everyone once he recovers.”

“How long?”

“The next cruise?”

“No, the recovery period.”

“Six weeks minimum.”

“At least he has you to take care of him and the kids.”

“Yeah, thanks a heap for that, Mrs. P.”

“Regretting the manny job already, Tino? I thought you were bored with cyber-security and enjoying this new challenge.”

“In retrospect, bleary-eyed boredom from sitting in front of a bank of computer monitors eight hours a day doesn’t seem so bad compared to six or more additional weeks playing drill sergeant to Ira’s three juvenile delinquents.”

“I thought you were making a difference.” Once Tino had stepped in after Ira’s last nanny quit, his kids’ behavior had definitely improved—not greatly, but Tino hadn’t been on the job all that long.

“Only if I sit on them twenty-four/seven. I thought I could do some good. You know I’m not a quitter, Mrs. P.”

“Of course not.” The guy had served with distinction as part of Special Forces in the Middle East. He had the medals to prove it.

“I’ve never quit at anything in my life, but I’m raising the white flag on this one. Those kids are even too much for me. I’d rather be back in Iraq than have to spend one more day than necessary in this house.”

“Does Ira know?”

“I had decided to give him a month’s notice after the cruise. Now I’ll have to wait until he’s fully recovered before I even bring up the subject.”

I heard a loud crash in the background. Tino cursed under his breath. “Gotta go, Mrs. P. Have fun on your cruise. I’ll see you when you get back—assuming I’m still alive.”

He hung up before I could wish him the luck I’m sure he’d need.

“What’s going on?” asked Zack.

I glanced at both my sons. Each had their noses buried in their phones. “It appears the Karma gods are smiling down on Alex and Nick.”

At the mention of their names, they pulled their attention from their screens and eyed me. “Huh?” they said in unison.

“Ira, his kids, and Tino won’t be joining us.” I then filled everyone in on the details.

“Best news ever,” said Nick.

“Really?” I asked. “Ever?”

“Well, at least this week.”

As we ascended the escalator that led to the gangway, I whispered to Zack, “I have to admit, as bad as I feel for Ira, not to mention Tino, I can’t disagree with Nick.”

“Neither can I. Now we can look forward to a relaxing vacation free of Ira’s family drama.”

“I do feel guilty, though. I know Tino took this job at my suggestion.”

“Tino’s one tough dude. Besides, he loves a challenge. I’ll bet he whips those three hellions into line before Ira fully recovers.”

“I hope you’re right.”

“How about we toast to his success with one of those decadent cocktails your mother waxed poetic over last night?”

“Sounds like a plan.”

Little did I suspect at that very moment the sadistic deities who get their jollies messing with my life were currently rolling around in the clouds, laughing their derrieres off.