Chapter Twenty-Two
After Julian’s band finished their set, he joined his dad’s band for a couple of numbers. When Julian had first heard the extent of Forbes’s injuries, and the medical prognosis, he’d feared that his father might never play again, that they’d never again share a mic, but now here they were. After the band bowed for the final round of applause, Julian hugged his father and felt those reassuring arms hug him back. Forbes wasn’t whole yet, nor was Julian, but they were both on their way, and they were emotionally closer than they’d been since he was a boy.
When he climbed down from the stage with his guitar, a bunch of islanders attempted to talk to him, but he politely brushed them off and made his way straight to Iris.
Onstage, he’d had a revelation. The certainty, and the hope, had been building in him for a long time, like when his muse teased him with almost-there notes or lyrics, just out of reach but tantalizing and unforgettable.
He had begun to imagine—had allowed himself, for the first time, to imagine—what it might be like to have a life like his stepbrother’s, one with not only a fulfilling career but a loving home. Julian imagined himself in a house with a music studio, a real home that he shared with the woman he loved and their children.
Because yes, he loved Iris. Last May, he’d performed on this same stage and seen a stranger in the audience, a hauntingly lovely woman. Tonight, that woman was even more lovely, but she was no stranger. He knew her better than anyone else in the world, and she knew him the same way. Weaknesses and strengths, they saw each other, got each other, supported each other. He wanted a lifetime of that. He wanted to create that lifetime with her as his partner.
When he reached her side, he said, “I’m ready to go. How about you?”
She rose from her chair. “I’m ready, too.”
They murmured goodbyes to the others at the table, and made for the exit.
In her car, they exchanged a few comments about the evening, and then fell silent. He returned to imagining the future. He’d grown so much in the past months, mostly thanks to her. But she’d grown as well. When he first met her, she’d had trouble even meeting his gaze. Earlier this month, she’d stood up to a pack of reporters and done it with grace. Iris could do anything, if she set her mind to it.
Would she set her mind to shaping the future with him?
They’d make Blue Moon Harbor their home base, but hopefully she’d also want to spend some time on the road with him. It was great that she got along so well with his bandmates. He’d cut back on touring, though, when they had kids. He could be a good father. Iris was so wise, so great with kids, she’d make sure he didn’t screw things up too badly. He let out a soft laugh.
“What?” she asked.
“Tell you later.” This was hardly the right setting to declare his love and to ask her to consider a future with him.
As he drove through the village, lights glittered around the windows and eaves of the stores and restaurants, and the holiday window displays were lit. Except at Island Realty.
“I wonder what Jelinek and his wife are doing?” he mused. It gave him considerable satisfaction to say, “Bet they won’t have a very happy New Year.” Would Cathy stand by her husband? Did she believe in his innocence? Julian didn’t know whether to view her as complicit, or as a victim herself.
“My New Year’s wish is that he admits his guilt and that you and the others don’t have to go to court.”
“That would sure be nice. Especially for the other guys. For me, if I have to testify, it’ll be okay. I’ve come to terms with all of it now. With what I did, and what I didn’t do.”
“You survived something horrible, and became an amazing man.”
“Thanks. I always thought I coped pretty well, and I guess in my career I did. And emotionally, too, as long as I had music as an escape and a safe way of releasing my pain.” He reached over to squeeze her ungloved hands, which were clasped in her lap. “This is where I was screwed up. Not letting myself get close to people.”
He took his hand away, to turn into the driveway that led to the underground parking in her building. “I felt like everyone I’d ever trusted had betrayed me. My mother, my dad, and then Jelinek. And with him, the concepts of trust and love and loyalty got so messed up.” He clicked the remote fob and the security door slowly rose.
“But now?”
“People aren’t perfect,” he said as he drove inside. “Not me, not Forbes. We screw up. That doesn’t mean we can’t love, forgive, move on.”
“And keep the lines of communication open. If you’d felt like you could trust your dad when you were a boy, you’d have talked to him. I’m sure he’d have believed you, and he’d have done something to stop Jelinek. Like picket his business.”
Julian chuckled. “Yeah, he’d have done that. But anyhow, it’s all in the past. I’m a different guy from the one who came here back in October.”
They climbed out of the car and took the elevator to her condo.
Once inside, she said, “Want something to drink? I could make tea or coffee. Or do you just want to go to bed?” She didn’t step into his arms, and in fact seemed a little restrained. Was she thinking about him leaving for Vancouver tomorrow, and wondering how their relationship would be affected?
He shook his head. “Come sit with me. There’s something I want to talk about.”
They went into the front room and the view drew them both to the window. Side by side, they gazed out over Blue Moon Harbor. The holiday decorations were still up, though he suspected they’d be coming down in the next couple of days.
A scattering of white flakes drifted down.
“Oh, look!” Iris said. “It’s started to snow. I hope it sticks. The children will be so thrilled if they wake up to snow on the ground.”
“I’ll be thrilled to wake up to you beside me.” Tomorrow and, he hoped, for innumerable mornings to come.
She turned from the window and he turned, too, to face her as she smiled up at him. “That can be arranged.”
If only she meant the same thing as he did. His lips were dry with nerves, worse than the time he performed for a charity fundraiser with Prime Minister Trudeau and his wife in the audience. He moistened them. “I said I’m a different guy from the one who came to this island a couple of months ago.” He swallowed. “I feel whole, or at least on the way to being whole.”
She touched his forearm, where his black shirt covered his tattoo. “I’m so glad.”
“Whole enough that today I spent a lot of time envisioning a completely different future than I’d ever let myself imagine before.”
“What kind of future?” she whispered.
He swallowed again. “Not being alone.”
Her brown eyes were huge. Did she guess where he was going with this?
“I love you, Iris.”
“Oh!” It was a soft, startled gasp. Her hands flew to her cheeks, her eyes glowed, and pink tinged her delicate skin. “I love you, too, Julian.”
Yes. Maybe he should’ve been ecstatic, done some Snoopy-dancing, but instead he felt a deep sense of peace sink into his soul. Peace, and the certainty that this was right. He pulled her gently into his arms and felt her arms circle his back. He captured a kiss, but only a quick one because there was more he needed to say.
“I feel as if my life up until now,” he said, “was all preparing me for you. For finding you, for being mature enough to understand what an amazing treasure you are, for becoming a man who could come anywhere near to deserving you.”
He might feel certainty, but what he saw flicker in Iris’s eyes was doubt. “Julian, I—”
“No, wait. You know how I said I was writing a song about you, but I refused to play it because it wasn’t coming together right, and I couldn’t find the ending?”
“Yes.” She was still in his arms but her body no longer felt relaxed.
“It’s because I hadn’t been honest with myself about my feelings for you. And now, now that I know I love you, I still don’t know the ending. I know what I want it to be, but . . .”
“What is that? Because I . . . I don’t understand.”
“I want us to be together.”
Hope flashed in her eyes, but then she frowned and shook her head. “How could that be possible?” Her eyes widened again, brightening. Her arms tightened around him. “Would you move here? But what about your bandmates? And touring?”
“I haven’t thought this all the way through,” he admitted. “I just hope there’s some way we can reorganize our lives and make it work. I could make Destiny my home base. I’d still need to spend a fair bit of time in Vancouver, working with the band and recording. And yeah, we’d still tour, though at some point we’d cut back on that. Especially if—when—we had kids.”
Her beautiful eyes were open wider than he’d ever seen them.
“I know you’re anxious about new people and situations,” he went on, “and I know you’re really close to your family, and you love Dreamspinner and Blue Moon Harbor, but . . . could you imagine coming with me sometimes?”
What he saw in her eyes now was fear, and that made him afraid. “Iris, I’ve come a long way these past months, and so have you. Look at the way you dealt with the paparazzi.”
She stepped back, shaking her head. “I was terrified.”
“But you handled it. You’ve handled everything that’s come along.” He wanted to reach for her again, but she had crossed her arms, a symbolic wall to hold him back.
“Yes, but I don’t want to have to. I’ve hated a lot of the things that have happened lately.” Her gaze was focused intently on him, but her shoulders hunched and her body curved inward as if she was protecting herself. “Having reporters virtually assault me. Knowing my picture’s out there on the Internet for all time. Being censured by people who’ve known me all my life, even if most did end up apologizing later, or at least looking hangdoggy.” Her lips trembled. “I loved my peaceful life. If you know me at all, you know that’s how I need to live.”
Damn. Damn it. Rather than curse, he tried to sound reasonable. “I thought, hoped, you might change your mind. That we could find a compromise, so we could be together a lot of the time, yet you’d still find the peace and privacy you need and I’d still have my career. Love often involves compromise, doesn’t it?”
She pressed her lips together, and delicate lines of strain bracketed her mouth. When she spoke, he saw the pain in her eyes. “It does. I wish I were capable of what you’re asking. But I’m not the right woman for you.”
“You’re the only woman I could ever imagine loving.”
“Oh, Julian . . .” she whispered, her dark eyes sheened with tears. “No, I’m sure one day you’ll meet someone very special, a woman who deserves you.”
“Deserves? What do you mean by that?” He was the one who’d struggled to be a man who deserved her.
“You are so brave and you’ve overcome so much.” She straightened again, speaking intensely. “You rose out of a horrible dark place to create works of insight and beauty, to build a successful career. You faced down your demons and you’re bringing your abuser to justice. You are a brave, amazing man, and you deserve an equal partner to stand by your side.”
“You’re that partner.”
She shook her head. “I’m a coward.”
“Iris, you say I’m brave as if that’s some attribute I possess, like having blue eyes. But I’m no hero, just a normal guy. And it’s been so hard, sometimes a struggle minute by minute.”
“A struggle that you’ve had the courage to take on. I don’t have that courage.”
He considered his next words. Maybe he’d piss her off, but he had to tell her what he believed. “I think you do. You’ve shown that, over and over. You had the courage to support me when the world was censuring me.”
She ducked her head so that her hair fell forward in black wings, reminding him of how she’d behaved when he first met her. “I had to do the right thing. But it cost me, Julian. It’s not a cost I can continue to bear.”
Was he a horrible, selfish bastard if he pursued this? But he had to know for sure. “Not even to be together?” he asked gently. “To love each other and share our lives?”
Gazing down rather than at him, she shook her head. “The time we’ve spent together has been amazing, but I’ve always known it would end. I thought you realized that, too.”
He blinked, taking that in. Then he placed a finger under her chin and raised her head so she could no longer avoid his gaze. Trying hard not to sound accusing, he said, “You gave up on us without ever giving us a chance.” He released her chin.
She sighed. “There was never meant to be an us in the sense you mean. The us that I hope for is to be two loving friends who stay in touch and are there for each other.”
“That’s not enough. We could have more. Things change, Iris. When we met, I never imagined I could love a woman, be loved by someone like you, have a partner at my side to share my life. To have kids with one day.”
She gave a soft moan.
“Now everything’s different,” he said. “I’m different. You say I need an equal partner, and that’s who you are. I’ve learned from you, and your support’s helped me confront the truth. We’ve talked about inner nature. Well, you’ve helped me realize that mine isn’t rotten at the core. You’ve helped me become a better person, not to mention a better songwriter. You’re more than my equal. You’re wise and gentle and generous and . . . just incredible, Iris. And I bet that if you peel off that shy label that you and your family have plastered on you, and look deep inside, you’ll find that your inner nature is more open and confident than you’ve let yourself see.”
She had lowered her head again as he spoke, and didn’t respond.
He took a breath and tried again. “You know how everyone, Pooh included, says he’s a Bear of Very Little Brain?”
Now her head came up, curiosity in her eyes.
“Yet somehow,” Julian went on, “he’s often the one who finds the solution to the problem. Well, you keep saying you’re a Woman of Very Little Courage, but really you have so much strength and bravery.”
Her lashes fluttered down and she shook her head.
“Damn it,” he said. “Why won’t you see the truth?”
Huge, soulful eyes, swimming with tears, stared into his soul. “Why won’t you?” she asked softly.
He thought of one of the first things she’d said to him, the line that gave him Forbes’s song. I do not like your reality. No, he didn’t like her “truth” one bit. But Iris had made up her mind. Because he respected and loved her, he had to accept that.
All these years, he’d walled off his heart from the possibility of love. Now, when the rocks in that wall had finally crumbled and he’d learned to love, his only reward was heartache.
The children of Destiny Island might wake to snow tomorrow, but Julian wouldn’t be waking up with Iris in bed beside him. Not ever again.