3
WE GET NO LOVE AND NO BEARS
“WHY DON’T YOU GO downstairs to meet Choden Thordup, the Tibetan mountain climber?” their father asked, standing behind the sofa where his children lounged in front of the TV.
It was the day after the banquet. They had made it through the last day of school . . . somehow. Kids were bouncing off the walls, excited about summer baseball leagues and summer camps and summer vacations. They peppered Oliver and Celia with questions:
“Where are you going this time?”
“Will you go skydiving?”
“Will you fight a monster?”
“Will you meet a king?”
All the other kids imagined that life must be so wonderfully exciting for the children of world-famous explorers.
“We’re going to watch reality shows!ʺ Oliver answered excitedly.
“And soap operas!” Celia practically squealed. The other kids fell into disappointed silence.
“Weirdos,” they muttered as they walked away.
“If I had parents like theirs, I’d never want to watch TV!ʺ
Oliver and Celia just shrugged. They didn’t have a lot of friends. It didn’t bother them, especially not now that they’d made it home and summer had finally begun.
But here was their father, already trying to interrupt their plans.
“She can tell you about the top of the world!” Their father’s excitement caused his little round glasses to fall off his face, but his excitement was not catching. “She’s spoken to the Great Oracle of Tibet! She survived the Poison Witches of the Tsangpo Gorge with nothing but her wits . . . and a recipe for spicy mashed potatoes!”
“The World’s Greatest Animal Chases Three is coming on,” Oliver answered flatly.
“Why watch reality TV when reality itself is so much more exciting?” Dr. Navel threw his hands up in the air. He sounded just like the kids at school. He sounded like the teachers too.
“Love at 30,000 Feet is not reality television,” Celia corrected her father. “It’s about an airline crew.”
“We’re watching Animal Chases Three!” Oliver argued.
“Are not,” Celia answered. ”Love at 30,000 Feet. Captain Sinclair is going to confess his love for the Duchess in Business Class.”
“A bear is going to race a hippo!”
“Love!”
“Bears!”
“Love!”
“Bears!”
“Enough!” their father bellowed. “There are more important things in life than love and bears—I mean, than television.” He flipped a switch and the screen went dark with a disappointed hum.
“Hey!” both children shouted in harmony. “We were watching that.”
“Nope. Now you’re going downstairs to hear her tales of the Tsangpo Gorge, the Roof of the World and the Great Oracle of Tibet.”
“We don’t want to hear about some fortune-teller,” Celia complained.
“The Great Oracle of Tibet is much more than a fortune-teller, Celia. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.”
“But you say that every night!” objected Oliver.
“And it’s true every night. Now, Oliver, put on your jacket and tie.”
“But—”
“Celia, your dress.”
“But—”
“No more buts or the TV goes away for the rest of your summer vacation.” The children made their best sad puppy faces at their father.
“Choden Thordup is one of only a handful of explorers to have ever seen the Hidden Falls and survived,” he said, smiling and trying to get his kids excited again. It didn’t work and his smile vanished. They were not interested in waterfalls. “I swear, when I was your age, if I had had half the opportunities for excitement you two have, well . . .” He shook his head sadly. “I’ll see you downstairs in ten minutes. Tonight, you will attend the Ceremony of Discovery.”
“Dad!” both children shouted, but it was too late. Their father was out the door and heading down the stairs to the Great Hall.
The children groaned and made their way to their rooms so they could get dressed. Their hopes for a carefree summer in front of the TV were falling apart. They would once again be subjected to tales of adventure and intrigue in distant lands.
When they emerged from their rooms, uncomfortable in their fancy clothes, they stood frozen in the hallway, neither one wanting to be the first to move for the door. Oliver tugged at the tie around his neck. Celia yanked on the pleats of her dress.
“I hate the Ceremony of Discovery,” Oliver lamented.
“It’s like public television only you can’t change the channel,” Celia said.
“Dad never lets us do what we want,” Oliver complained.
“It’s our summer vacation. We should be able to watch whatever we want.”
“I bet he wishes he had different kids.”
“Kids who like adventures.”
“Kids who want to climb mountains and get bitten by lizards.”
“Kids who aren’t us.”
They both stood in silence for a moment, staring at the dark TV screen, imagining what they were missing.
“That settles it,” said Celia.
“It does?” asked Oliver.
“Yes, it does,” she said. “We are going to run away, so that Dad can get new kids and so we won’t have to go on any more adventures.”
“But isn’t running away an adventure?”
“Not if we go somewhere dull, like an orphanage or a children’s prison. Any giant, boring place that has cable.”
“Oh,” Oliver said, because he never could win an argument with his sister and he did want cable television. “What about Dad? He’ll be all alone.”
“The Daytime Doctor said that people need to move through the stages of grief so they can have full lives,” Celia explained.
“I don’t want to move anywhere,” said Oliver.
“Me neither. That’s the point.”
“All these scientists,” complained Oliver. “They always want you to deal with your baggage too. I don’t want to pack baggage ever again.”
“So we agree then?”
“What? About The Daytime Doctor? I don’t really like talk shows.”
“No! About running away so that Dad can move through the stages of grief and find children who want to handle baggage and stuff.”
“Oh,” Oliver said again. His sister always got him to agree with her on things. She had a way of talking that was like a trap. You listened and didn’t know where it was going. It sounded normal, but then suddenly, before you knew it, you’d agreed to watch Love at 30,000 Feet or Amores Enchiladas on the Spanish Channel way up in the high numbers. Even if you ended up learning Spanish, it wasn’t worth it. Amores Enchiladas was a boring show where the women were crying all the time, if they weren’t kissing some tan sword fighter guy.
But as usual, he agreed. Celia was three minutes and forty-two seconds older and one and five-eighths inches taller, which gave her a kind of authority.
It was decided: They would run away somewhere dull and watch their shows and everyone would be happier. Children’s prison couldn’t be worse than the Explorers Club, could it?
