We Are Not Eaten by Yaks: An Accidental Adventure

THE CREATURE LOWERED down to all fours and snarled and scratched deep grooves into the ground with its long black claws.

“No one move,” Lama Norbu whispered. “A creature like this would never reveal herself to humans. She must be desperate and therefore very dangerous.”

“Yes,” he answered. “In the stories I have heard, the females are much larger than the males. They are also more aggressive.”

“Amazing!” Dr. Navel exclaimed. He dropped their mother’s note on the ground. He was entranced. The excitement of the discovery washed away any fear he felt, and he stepped closer to get a better look at the furry giant. Fear, he always said, was the most boring of the emotions. Oliver and Celia found it pretty useful. They jumped backwards.

“Dad . . .” both of them warned. Their father cocked his head to the side like a curious puppy while the creature’s black marble eyes stared back at him.

“Ogden, I must warn you that . . .” Lama Norbu began, but before he could finish the monster had sprung from where it crouched to a boulder above Dr. Navel and, in one swipe of her giant paw, sent the curious adventurer hurtling through the air off the side of the mountain.

“Dad!” Celia shouted. Lama Norbu spun the gun off his back but tripped over a rock as he stepped forward. Oliver, moving with speed he didn’t know he had, snatched the gun from the ground and waved it toward the creature.

“Back up!” he yelled, because he didn’t know what else to yell. He had never held a gun before, nor had he ever yelled at a monster. He waved the gun at the monster again, just to make sure his point was clear.

The yeti cocked its head curiously at Oliver, just like his father had cocked his head curiously at the yeti.

The monster roared and took a huge swipe at Oliver with her giant paws. He dove out of the way.

“That didn’t work!” he yelled. The monster swiped again and snagged the edge of Oliver’s shirt as he jumped backward.

Oliver dove right and left, trying to dodge the giant yeti. When it lunged at Oliver again, he jumped up and caught onto its back. He saw it was wearing a collar and he held on to it for dear life.

Oliver tossed the rifle toward Lama Norbu, so he could hold on with both hands, though he missed the throw by several feet, and Lama Norbu had to go scrambling after the gun. The yeti tried to get Oliver off her back by leaping and spinning. Oliver rode the monster like a cowboy riding a bull.

“Ahhhh!” he shouted, and actually wished that all he had to deal with right now were lizard bites. The yeti stopped thrashing and started to charge backward toward the wall of rock behind them. She wanted to slam Oliver against it and crush him. He unbuckled the collar and dove off the yeti, just as Lama Norbu reached the gun. The creature turned and charged right at the monk, swiping the gun out of his hands. It flew through the air and Celia caught it.

“I don’t know what to do!” she yelled, and tossed the gun to her brother, like a hot potato, while Lama Norbu ran in circles, chased by the angry yeti. Oliver didn’t have time to think or to aim. He’d seen enough cowboy movies to know what to do. He pointed the gun at the monster and closed his eyes and squeezed the trigger.

“Ahhhhhhhh!!!!” he yelled as the gun kicked and bucked in his hand, nearly knocking him over. The gun’s recoil felt like a punch in the arm from a bear. He opened his eyes to see what he’d done, and prayed he hadn’t accidentally shot his sister or Lama Norbu.

The yeti stood upright and looked back at Oliver. She turned toward him, puzzled. He raised the gun again, but didn’t really know if he had the strength to fire it.

“Sorry,” he muttered, and knew he would never be much of a hunter. He didn’t have the aim, the arms or the stomach for it.

The yeti roared and pounded her chest like a gorilla, and then took one big leap, effortlessly jumping over Oliver and bounding up from boulder to boulder.

In seconds the creature was gone into the mist, and only the echo of its roar lingered in the air.

The twins ran to the edge of the cliff and peered over the side. They saw their father hanging by one hand from a tangle of roots. The ground was thousands of feet below him. He smiled up at his children.

“Well, that was unexpected,” he said. His face was a little bruised and his glasses cracked, but his good mood was unflappable. “That must be the creature that the Royal Geographical Society claimed to have discovered in nineteen twenty-one! The Wild Man of the Snows! They called it the yeti, which is probably a mispronunciation of the Tibetan words for ‘man’ and ‘bear.’ Amazing! I can’t say it looked much like a man, but—”

“Excuse me, Doctor, but would you like us to lift you up?” Lama Norbu interrupted as he took the rifle from Oliver’s shaking hands. Dr. Navel had gotten so excited by his ideas about the yeti that he’d forgotten he was hanging off the edge of a cliff.

For the second time that day, Lama Norbu scurried down the side of the cliff to rescue Dr. Navel. This time the kids watched from above and talked while Lama Norbu hoisted.

“Well, I never shot at a mythical creature before, so excuse me. I didn’t see you racing to the rescue.”

“You’re a real Agent Zero,” Celia said sarcastically, but Oliver took it as a pretty huge compliment. He stood a little taller and smiled.

“Remember the special we saw, Monsters—Myth or Reality: The Expert Files?” Celia asked.

“And you couldn’t sleep for a week because you thought there was a yeti under your bed.”

“I did not think there was a yeti under my bed,” Oliver said, his pride deflating like a day-old birthday balloon.

“Not a yeti. A basilisk, which is a kind of snake demon. That’s totally different from a yeti.”

“The yeti.” Oliver’s eyes grew wide. “Yeah, he said he had them in his zoo. He was talking about it at that banquet.”

The twins knew that Sir Edmund collected rare creatures the way some people collect stamps or playing cards or action figures. Sometimes he hunted them and hung their stuffed heads on his wall, sometimes he sold them, and sometimes he kept them in his zoo. His hobby was a lot more dangerous than collecting playing cards.

“I think so too,” Oliver said, and held up the collar. It had a symbol engraved on it: a scroll locked in chains.

“The gun is not real,” he said. “That is why you did not hit the creature when you shot at it, Oliver. We Buddhists do not believe in violence, so a real gun, whose only purpose is to kill, would be unthinkable. This weapon fires blessings, loud ones.”

He smiled and showed them his “bullets.” Each one was carved with elaborate symbols and images of angry-looking Buddhas sitting on lotus flowers.

“The symbols represent the mantra I told you about, om mani padme hum, and the pictures are of the wrathful Buddha, who is angry at the suffering of the world and destroys pain and death with his anger. The bullets do not fire, they just sound like it, like fireworks, so that even as I seem violent, I am actually firing blessings into the sky, showering my enemies with wisdom and kindness.”

“Exactly,” Lama Norbu said. “You did a double good deed by saving our lives and blessing the yeti.”

“We would surely have all been eaten.” Lama Norbu smiled. “That is why we must find a place to rest for the night. We cannot wander the canyon after dark.”

“Because of other monsters?” asked Oliver, nervous. He was sure Sir Edmund had worse than the abominable snowman planned for them.

“Not monsters,” said Lama Norbu. “We who are pure of heart have nothing to fear from the monsters of the hidden lands. People present much more of a problem for us. There are bandits in these forests.”

“Bandits!” cried Celia. Bandits had hijacked the plane on Love at 30,000 Feet, and she never forgot the way they shouted and threatened to throw the Duchess in Business Class out of the window. Now that Celia herself had fallen out of an airplane, she knew that it was not the most pleasant experience. “We should definitely not walk after dark,” she agreed.

She picked their mother’s note up off the ground and shoved it into their backpack. Their father was clearly too excited to carry their only clue. Who knew when he’d go chasing after some dangerous animal again?

“Where should we camp?” Dr. Navel asked. “A cave? A lean-to?” He sounded very excited about a cave or a lean-to. He loved sleeping in uncomfortable places. We should not be surprised to learn that Celia and Oliver did not share his excitement.

There was a circle of small round huts less than two hundred yards away. A large fire burned in the center of the circle, and a group of women were squatting around it.

There were several unusual things about this camp, but Celia only noticed one: the largest hut had a satellite dish attached to its roof, and wires snaked from it into the little building. With a satellite dish, you could pick up channels from all over the world.

“This might not be the worst trip of our lives after all.” Oliver smiled. “I wonder if they get the Reality Network?”

“And the Soap Channel,” Celia added. Dr. Navel just shook his head at his children and sighed, and they all made their way carefully down the slope toward the strange camp.