We Are Not Eaten by Yaks: An Accidental Adventure

Professor Rasmali-Greenberg declared that the Ceremony of Discovery would take place a month later. Everyone was excited to hear the Navels’ tale of courage, danger and derring-do, which is just another way of saying courage.

Celia never understood why explorers had to use such weird words, and ever since getting back from Tibet, she had been spending more time with explorers than ever. For the past month, explorers had been pouring into the apartment on the 4½th floor asking Oliver and Celia to “debrief” them, which is just another way of saying “tell them.”

“What was it like to meet the Oracle of Dorjee Drakden?” they asked.

“How did you survive the Poison Witches?” they begged.

“Did you really feed Frank Pfeffer to a yak?” they winced.

Oliver had to explain over and over that the oracle was just a kid, except when he was a crazy hissing monk, and that the Poison Witches just wanted some new recipes, and that no, Frank Pfeffer was not eaten by a yak. “Yaks don’t eat people.”

“Oh,” all the explorers said, disappointed.

“It was a yeti,” Oliver corrected, and the explorers brightened. Celia rolled her eyes at her brother. It looked like he enjoyed telling the story, like it was something that happened on television to some other kids. Like it had been fun.

“You’re turning into an explorer, you know,” she said.

“Are too plus infinity.”

Celia always got him with that one.

“But how did you escape the yeti?” the explorers begged to know. “Why didn’t she eat you?!”

“We will have a full debriefing at the ceremony tonight!” Professor Rasmali-Greenberg interrupted. “The children will tell you all you want to know about their brave escape from the yeti and how they came to lose the wager with Sir Edmund. But for now, please leave them to watch their television in peace.”

He smiled at the twins as he ushered all the explorers off the 4½th floor. Oliver and Celia were finally alone.

“What’s on?” Oliver said, turning back to their brand-new TV. It was a big flat-screen and it had simply been there when they got back. It even had a bow on the top of it, but there was no note telling them who gave it to them. They had barely turned it off since getting home, even though they still didn’t have cable. Their father didn’t want to install cable if he was getting kicked out of the club in a few hours for losing the bet with Sir Edmund. The twins knew that they would have to surrender to Sir Edmund at the same time, and become his slaves for the rest of the summer. That was not going to happen.

They were going to run away for real this time.

They hadn’t told anyone about the prophecy and they didn’t want to. If anyone believed that they were destined to become great explorers, they’d never be left alone. Their father would make them search the world looking for clues and Sir Edmund would chase them to who-knows-where to find the Lost Library and whatever time they didn’t spend on mountain peaks or in the deep sea, they would spend “debriefing” people. They’d never have time to watch TV again.

That’s why they planned to run away later that night. A new backpack was packed with clothes and snacks and a fresh issue of TV Guide. But they didn’t want to leave before they knew what would happen to their dad. His part of losing the bet with Sir Edmund was losing the title of Explorer-in-Residence and getting kicked out of the club. Oliver and Celia didn’t want to leave before they knew where he would be living. They’d have to check in on him from time to time, of course. He was their father, after all.

“We’ll leave after the Ceremony of Discovery,” Celia said, even though she didn’t want to go. She knew they would have to tell everyone how they escaped from the angry yeti. But it would be worth it to know that their dad was okay. As usual, Oliver agreed.

Just as they settled in to their last hours in front of the TV, Professor Rasmali-Greenberg and their father burst back into the apartment.

“I understand if you still want to demand answers from the airline, but I fear you will not get anywhere,” Professor Rasmali-Greenberg was explaining to a frustrated Dr. Navel. “I promise I am on your side, but consider the facts, Ogden. If your wife arranged for your mid-flight departure, pursuing the matter might only put her in danger. And if this Council is as powerful as your children claim, they will certainly be working to cover everything up anyway. You realize, of course, that Sir Edmund has denied everything. And Choden Thordup has vanished. I can’t believe she was really Janice McDermott. The disguise was perfect. Now I am left with no proof and a large green statue of a toothpick. I cannot go around calling Sir Edmund a liar without evidence.”

“And why not?” Celia interrupted their conversation. She pressed mute on the TV.

“Hey,” Oliver snapped at his sister. “I was watching that!”

She had only pressed the mute button because they were watching an Agent Zero rerun that she didn’t care about. It was the one where Agent Zero has to escape from a floating casino that was really a nuclear submarine. Oliver watched without sound while Corey Brandt slid upside down across a wire connected to the shore. The sub was rapidly sinking and he was in danger of being dragged under into the dark waters of the Aegean Sea.

“It’s gonna break,” Oliver told the TV, and just like that, the wire snapped and the camera zoomed in on Corey Brandt’s face looking surprised. “Told ya,” Oliver said, and then turned to listen to Professor Rasmali-Greenberg answering Celia.

“I understand your anger, Celia,” the professor said warmly, “especially after what you say Sir Edmund put you through in Tibet, but there are larger concerns here. You cannot begin to understand the pressures that prevent me from taking action even if I know what is right and what is true.”

“Pressures!” Celia exclaimed. “Pressures!! Have you ever been thrown out of an airplane and fallen over a waterfall and been chased by angry warriors and Poison Witches and rescued by weirdo gods disguised as little monk children?! Have you?!”

“Well, actually, dear, one time, I—”

The professor was interrupted by a knock on the door. Professor Eckhart and his monkey had come to tell them that they were expected at the cocktail hour before the ceremony.

“Sir Edmund,” Professor Eckhart explained, “is beginning to brag that Dr. Navel is too much of a . . . ahem . . . coward to attend.” His monkey screeched.

“I’ll show him a coward,” Dr. Navel said, rolling up the sleeves on his tuxedo like he was ready for a fight.

“Be patient, Ogden,” Professor Rasmali-Greenberg said. “And trust me. Come, Navel family! We have a ceremony to endure!”

“We’re gonna stay and watch a little more,” Celia said. Their father didn’t argue. The twins did not want to stand around with a lot of explorers more than they had to.

Once they were alone, Oliver snatched the remote back from his sister and turned the sound on.

“I want to watch something else,” Celia said.

“You don’t even know how to use the remote,” Oliver argued.

“Neither do you,” she objected.

“Do too,” Oliver said, and started pressing buttons. The screen kept changing. Different menus appeared and disappeared. Celia tried to grab it from him, while Oliver kept hitting buttons blindly and trying to keep it from his sister.

“Give it,” she said, and grappled with him.

“Let go,” he said as he struggled under her.

Suddenly, the screen went black and an image of a key appeared.

“Hey,” Celia said. “That’s—”

“—the symbol from Mom.”

The twins stopped wrestling.

A new menu screen showed up.

PLEASE CHOOSE YOUR LANGUAGE, it said.

Oliver selected English and the screen changed again. It was a list, like a list of TV shows, but they had strange names like A treatise on the process of Alchemy and Prophecies of Dorjee Drakden, Volume 1.

“What is this?” Oliver said.

“I don’t know,” Celia replied.

“It looks like the TV Guide Channel.”

“Sort of. But that key symbol.”

“Oh, no,” Celia said.

“Oh, no,” Oliver said. He pressed the button that said INFO in big red letters.

WELCOME TO TABLET 2.0, the screen read. THE COMPLETE CATALOG OF THE GREAT LIBRARY OF ALEXANDRIA.

“Um,” said Oliver. “Mom slipped us the Catalog of the Lost Library.”

“She said there were no tablets,” Celia said.

“This isn’t a tablet,” Oliver answered. “It’s digital. So she didn’t lie exactly.”

“But . . . but . . .” Celia objected. “Why would she do this?”

“Because of the prophecy. She told us we had a copy.”

“But, um . . . No! No! No!” Celia couldn’t think of anything to say, but she really felt like letting the world know that she was not happy about this.

“What do we do?” Oliver finally asked.

“Watch something else!” Celia demanded. “I don’t want to get involved in this. I don’t want to eat eyeballs or ride yaks or fall off anything anymore!”

Oliver turned the TV off.

“If we show this at the ceremony,” Celia added, “we could win the bet. It’s a copy of the Lost Tablets.”

“But then Sir Edmund and his Council would have it. Mom told us not to let it fall into his hands. If we hand it over, everything we went through would be for nothing. And, you know, Sir Edmund’s Council might take over the world.”

This was why their mother wanted them to keep watching TV. This was how they were supposed to find the Lost Library in whatever lost land it was hiding. But another adventure was the last thing they wanted. Oliver hadn’t been bitten by an exotic lizard in months, and he was going to keep it that way. Whatever clues lurked in that remote control, he did not care to look for them. At the same time, they couldn’t just turn it over to Sir Edmund.

“So we’ll have to keep it a secret,” Celia agreed. “You aren’t very good at secrets.”

“Am too,” Oliver said.

“Are not.”

“Am too.”

“Fine. You are,” Celia gave up. “Let’s go to the ceremony and get this over with.”

When she turned to go, Oliver dropped the remote control into their getaway backpack. You never know when a universal remote that opens up the only copy of the Lost Tablets of Alexandria would come in handy.