The floor felt cool beneath her bare feet, reminding Lizzie that cold fall air would be settling in before she knew it. Putting on her black stockings and black shoes, she finished getting dressed. Her entire body ached. Not from illness, though. She ached with the familiar pain of loss. Letting Paul go was going to be harder than she’d imagined. Lizzie knew he’d been hurting. They were both hurting. Sighing, she wished loving someone were easier.
From the kitchen she heard the sound of the teakettle’s whistle. She went downstairs and found only Mary in the kitchen, padding around with bare feet.
“Mary! You should put on your stockings at least.”
“My feet are so swollen. And they feel hot. I’m letting them cool for a bit,” Mary explained, turning around to look at Lizzie. “You look tired.”
“I’m afraid I haven’t been sleeping well.”
After walking back to the stove, Mary took two mugs out of the cabinet above it. “Come, join me for some tea. I’ll make us up a pot of Earl Grey. I know it’s your favorite.”
“Danke. I’d like that. Are there any muffins left?” she asked, knowing there were some left in the basket when she’d gone to bed last night.
“I think only corn ones. Daed took the blueberry ones with him when he left for the fields this morning. Aaron went along to help him with the harvest.”
Lizzie accepted the mug her sister handed her. Bringing it under her nose, she inhaled the sweet fragrance of the bergamot oil the tea was known for.
“Come on, let’s go sit out on the porch.”
“What about your feet? Won’t they get cold out here?”
“I’ll be fine,” Mary replied, laughing.
She joined her sister on the swing. Lizzie looked down at her sister’s stomach, noticing the soft rounding of her belly. It gave her a comforting feeling to know that two little lives lay safely in Mary’s womb.
“You must be excited about the babies.”
Mary’s eyes lit up. “We are. Aaron is hoping for boys, but I’d like one of each.” She gave her head a slight shake. “Nee, that isn’t true. I don’t care if they are girls or boys as long as they are healthy.”
Lizzie rested her head on Mary’s shoulder, feeling safe and secure and loved.
“Tell me, liebschen, how are you holding up?”
“I’m taking things one day at a time.” Lizzie felt guilty at having to admit that.
There was something to be said for life staying on course. Ever since this change between her and Paul, she could hardly keep up with all of the emotions.
“I understand Paul has come by several times since the incident.” Mary pushed her toes against the porch, putting the swing into motion.
“We’re calling that day an incident?” Lizzie cocked an eyebrow, meeting Mary’s gaze.
Mary let out a soft, very unladylike snort. “I don’t know what else to call it. Lizzie, do you love Paul?”
Her heart ached so much, she wanted to weep from the pain of it.
In a soft voice she answered her sister, “Ja. With all my heart, I love Paul Burkholder.”
“Then you need to work this problem out.”
“I’m not sure we can.”
“Was Vader finding out about your artwork really so bad?” Mary wanted to know.
Lizzie shrugged. “On that day, ja. It was bad. That man came here, looking for me. The look on his face when he noticed my scar was too much for me to bear. I’m better off here at home. Not out in the world. Besides, Paul is not a farmer.”
Mary put her foot flat on the porch floor, stopping the motion of the swing. “You need to stop thinking that way.”
“Vader needs help on the farm. We can’t afford to hire anyone. The money from the art sales would have helped things.”
“Ja. Maybe so.” Mary looked thoughtful for a moment and then she said, “Aaron and I have decided to stay.”
“Stay here? For how long?”
“Hopefully for the rest of our lives. We want to raise the twins here, in Miller’s Crossing. Daed needs the help on the farm, and Aaron is a farmer, after all.”
“And Paul is a furniture maker.”
“Maybe now you can forgive him, Lizzie. Forgive yourself.”
“I’m trying to, Mary. My mind has been a jumble of thoughts and feelings that I’ve never felt before... I just don’t know what to do with it all.”
“Lizzie, this is all natural.”
“Yes, but is love always this hard? Just when I thought my life was sure to be that of an alt maedel, Paul Burkholder, a boy I watched grow into a fine man, comes along and takes my heart.”
Mary put her arm around her shoulders, pulling her closely. “Ah, my dear Lizzie. This is a gut thing for you. Love is a wonderful part of life. There are so many of us in this community who marry because it’s the right thing to do for the family. But we have both been blessed with men who love and cherish us. You need to remember that and thank Gott for it.”
They sat for a few minutes longer, watching the birds pick at the feeder.
“You need to let your heart open back up and trust what is inside.”
“When did you get to be so wise?” Lizzie poked her in the arm.
“I’ve noticed that being with child has made my senses keener.”
Together, they laughed.
“I’ve missed you, Mary.”
“And I you.” Resting her forehead against Lizzie’s, Mary added, “Now go find Paul and settle this issue between you once and for all so we can get on with planning the next wedding.”
Lizzie left her sister on the porch, deciding to walk into the village. She needed the time to think, and the few miles of walking alone would help her clear her mind. As she made her way up the driveway, she noticed that all around her the land seemed to be changing. The fields had turned from green to gold. Here and there on the side of the road were dried leaves. Raising her eyes, Lizzie caught sight of tinges of golds and reds on the leaves, evidence that the seasons were changing.
Spotting a maple tree just beginning to turn red, she imagined how the colors would look on her art paper. She continued walking, trying to put the words Mary had spoken into perspective, realizing how much she had truly missed Paul. The place where her heart was in her chest began to ache. Lizzie rubbed her hand over the spot, wishing she’d never fallen in love. Then she wouldn’t know this heartache.
In the next instant she realized how much she missed him. She missed his smile. She missed his touch. She missed seeing the excitement on his face every time he talked about the Burkholder Furniture Store. Even if the Burkholders didn’t agree with their sohn’s choice, Paul deserved to be a successful businessman. As mad as she was at him, she would not begrudge him that. Lizzie thought he deserved to find happiness, too, just not with her.
She felt a wetness on her face and realized she’d been crying. Swiping a hand across her eyes, she fought back a sob. She couldn’t imagine Paul with anyone else, and yet she couldn’t imagine him with her. She’d known all along that she wasn’t worthy of love. She’d told Paul that many times over. Why hadn’t he listened? Why had she given in?
Lizzie stopped moving, spent from feeling sad and lonely and angry. Off in the distance she saw the top of the church spire on Clymer Hill Road. The sunlight poured out of the heavens, making it appear as if it were made out of silver. That place meant so much to her and Paul. Lizzie couldn’t explain the feeling washing over her. She had to go find Paul.
The sound of the sander broke through the morning silence. Paul had been out in the shop at their homestead since well before dawn. He’d been busy working off his frustration by finishing a tabletop. The showroom floor looked empty without the dining room that he’d sold to the Englischer. Though he’d known when he’d picked this slab out he’d had only one person in mind.
Lizzie.
His plan had been to surprise her with a lovely table as a wedding gift after she agreed to marry him. Now as he stood here amid the sawdust, some of the last words she’d spoken to him rang in his ears.
I won’t let you love me, she’d said.
Pressing hard, he slid the sander over the wood, trying to erase their last moments together. The hurt he’d seen in her eyes still brought him pain. The thing was, he couldn’t imagine loving anyone else. And now that he’d had time to think about them, he realized he’d always loved her. All those times he’d told himself they were just friends had been nothing more than his denying his true feelings.
“Paul. Sohn. Sohn!”
He turned when he felt a tap on his shoulder. “Daed!” He pulled the orange foam earplugs out of his ears and shut the sander down.
“I’ve been calling to you. Guess you couldn’t hear me above all the noise.”
“Sorry. I’ve been trying to get this tabletop finished.”
Cocking an eyebrow, Daed asked, “A special order?”
“Ja. What’s on your mind?” Paul asked.
“I know things have been strained between us since Rachel and Jacob’s wedding.”
“Ja.” Paul wiped a hand across his brow.
If he’d learned nothing else being Amish, it was the power of forgiveness. He’d been just as guilty as his daed in their dealings with the shop, and in the end with the hurt they’d caused each other.
As soon as he’d finished sanding, he planned on heading over to the Miller house. He’d been there three times already, and each time Lizzie had turned away. Maybe today would be different.
After pulling out a stool, Vader sat, resting his forearms in front of him on the workbench. “I’m not getting any younger, you know. And life is too short to stay mad at each other.”
Paul nodded. “Agreed.”
“Do you think we can work our way through this?”
“I do.” Reaching out, he captured his daed’s hand with his, wondering when it had become hardened with arthritis and roughed with time.
“I understand your need for independence. Maybe I’ve been a little hard on you these past years. But that’s only because I love you. And maybe a little bit because I need you here in the shop. While they’re helpful, your bruders don’t seem to have the passion that you do when it comes to woodworking.”
“Ben and Abram don’t mind helping out.”
“I know. But you have more ambition.”
Paul let go of his vader’s hand. He blew the sawdust off the tabletop and ran his hand over the smooth cherrywood. “I only want what is best for the family, Daed. I would never leave here.”
“I know. Perhaps I was afraid you’d be snatched up by some Englischer’s company. They pay well from what I hear.”
“I’m doing fine with my own furniture.”
“I’ve been hearing talk of your shop. I was at the general store the other day and Mr. Becker told me your shop is getting a lot of foot traffic.”
“I’ve been keeping busy.”
“The long and short of it is, I’m fine with you having the furniture shop in the village. And I’m fine if you want to have a courtship with Lizzie Miller. Not that it’s my blessing you’ll be needing.”
Paul grinned. “Joseph already gave me his.”
Slapping his hand on the workbench, Vader stood, declaring, “Break time’s over!”
Paul untied his heavy canvas work apron, took it off and hung it on a hook near the entrance. “I’ve got to be heading out for a bit.”
He had one thing on his mind and that was to find his Lizzie and convince her that they belonged together. No matter what the obstacles, together they could overcome anything. Paul didn’t want to waste any more time without her.