As Paul drove them to their special place at Clymer Hill, he thought about what Mary had said to him. He, too, had seen the change in Lizzie. While part of it might be due to their changing relationship, he wanted to believe the happiness and confidence starting to grow in Lizzie had come from within her. He parked the buggy, raising his eyebrows in worry. He hoped bringing her here would be the right thing.
Helping her down from the buggy, Paul didn’t think he had the strength to talk about David’s death. In order to give her the love he had, Paul needed to tell her everything. Digging deep in his soul, he called upon his faith in Gott to help as he walked hand in hand with the woman he loved. They made their way over to sit on the bench situated on a grassy knoll overlooking Miller’s Crossing.
She tipped her head to the sky, letting the sunlight bathe her in warmth. Paul smiled as he gazed at her. He knew she’d no idea of how pretty she was. They were taught at a very young age that thinking of one’s appearance, other than cleanliness, was considered shallow and not serving the Lord. Lizzie was as far from shallow as a person could get. He rubbed his thumb across the top of her hand. She turned to give him a small smile.
“Lizzie, I...” He stopped himself from saying the last two words: love you. With all his being, he loved her. But before he could say those words, he needed to confess his sin.
Nervously he looked out over the vista, watching a hawk circling above the field, searching for its next prey. The bird flapped its wings once and then let the breeze carry it over the field. The bird soared higher and higher, until it was just a speck in the sky.
Keeping his eyes focused on the horizon, he said, “Lizzie, I want to talk about the day David died.”
She said nothing, and Paul let the silence hang between them. Why did life have to be filled with such pain? he wondered. When still she didn’t respond, he faced her so he could see all of her. The happiness he’d seen in her eyes a short time ago was gone. Her skin looked ashen, and her mouth was downturned, but it was the look in her eyes that shattered his soul.
The light blue color had turned a dark and stormy shade. Tears glistened at their corners. Lizzie pulled away from him. Her body stiffening as her hand slid out of his grasp. Paul’s hand felt cold and empty without hers in it. Memories from that day flooded his mind. He closed his eyes, seeing those images again...
It was as if time had stood still and he was that thirteen-year-old boy again, on the cusp of becoming a man. At the time of the accident, he’d been helping his daed finish up a cabinet when they’d heard the sound of the bell tolling. Three rings sounded in quick succession, followed by a short pause and then three more.
He rushed to the doorway, calling out, “Daed! There’s trouble!”
“Ja! Clancy Yoder stopped by here a few minutes ago. There’s been an accident over at Joseph Miller’s farm.”
Paul’s stomach clenched. He was supposed to be out playing with his friends David and Lizzie Miller, but at the last minute he’d been asked to help finish up a furniture order for the Englisch family down the road. Catching up to his vader, who was already in their buggy, Paul hitched himself up on the seat beside him. The buggy sped onto the roadway, where they joined a dozen other worried neighbors who’d heard the alarm.
When they reached the Miller farm, a line of black buggies were already crowding both sides of the driveway. Jumping from the seat, he and his daed hurried along with everyone else, heading toward the barn.
Running as fast as he could, he pumped his arms and legs harder and harder until his lungs burned. Neighbors shouted as he bumped into them. He didn’t care; he had to get to the barn. He elbowed his way through the group of men blocking the large double-hung white doors. Once inside he paused and bent over at the waist, trying to catch his breath. Gulping in the dust-filled air, he coughed. He raised his head, wiped his hand over his mouth and hurried toward the men who stood huddled around a small body.
A brown-booted foot poking out from beneath a loose pile of hay. David. No! Paul’s chest tightened. The rest of his friend’s body was twisted at an odd angle at the bottom of a stack of tall hay bales. As he moved closer, he heard sobbing. A pool of blood lay beneath David Miller’s head. He fisted his hand against his mouth to keep from crying out...
Paul swiped his hand over his eyes, feeling the prick of the tears well up behind his eyelids. The memory still made him choke up. He swallowed hard, feeling the same panic.
Finally he said, “Lizzie, on that day, after I saw David and I couldn’t find you, I thought you might be...”
He couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentence. He pulled in a deep breath. His heart was racing, and his stomach muscles were clenching at the memories flooding his mind. Memories he tried so hard to forget. He felt her hand on his, and some of the warmth returned.
“I had searched for you, but it was so hard to see through the groups of neighbors who had come to help. I remember a tall man stopping me. Blocking my path. ‘This is no place for a young boy,’ the man said.”
Paul blinked again. “I remember trying to push past him. I called out to you.”
“I don’t remember much from that day, Paul. I am so very sorry.”
“Ethel Yoder told me to go outside and wait with the others.” He could still feel the coolness of the woman’s hand where she’d touched his arm.
“I asked her where you were. She kept telling me to leave. And then I finally saw you...”
He remembered sidestepping around the woman. He wasn’t leaving until he found Lizzie. Time stood still as the crowd parted. There, a few feet away from her brother, lay Lizzie, her head propped up against the sharp edge of a plow blade, her white prayer kapp lopsided on her head. Light brown hair hung down on her shoulders, matted together with moisture. Paul wrung his hands together.
There was a large gash that covered her face, and someone was applying a cloth to stop the bleeding.
Blinking hard, Paul banished the image. He turned to looked at Lizzie. Right here, right now, right this very minute. She didn’t even come close to resembling that little girl. She sat here, next to him, with her tear-streaked face, and he thought she looked beautiful. He felt her anguish and wanted to take it all away.
Lizzie’s heart felt as if it were breaking into a million pieces. The hurt and pain welled up from somewhere deep inside.
“Why are you doing this now? Why are you ruining this beautiful moment?” she pleaded.
Fresh pain tore through her heart, searing her soul like an open wound. Her head throbbed. She touched the scar on her face, feeling the pain all over again. “Why, Paul?”
“I know how hard this is to hear. But we’ve been going round and round all these years, avoiding talking about your brother. Talking about our part in the day. We need to go through this pain in order to come out on the other side, healed.”
He clutched her hands, his eyes darkening. “I need to be healed, and I know you want that, too.”
She sobbed, wanting to run away. The tears rolled down her face. Even though she felt the warmth from the sun on her skin, shivers raced down her spine. He put his hand on her back, covering the exact spot, giving her strength and hope.
“I wasn’t supposed to be out in the barn at all. I don’t remember much about that time, but I do remember waking up in the hospital and my daed being angry with me. He said he’d told me not to go out there to play. I don’t understand why I went against his wishes. If I’d listened to him, David might still be alive.”
“Lizzie. I was supposed to be there, too. I told David I’d come over. We were going to climb the hay bales. This is as much my fault as it is yours.”
Lizzie didn’t know what to make of all of this. She knew that Gott would never give them more than they could handle. She laid her head against Paul’s shoulder, feeling his strength.
“Maybe the fault doesn’t lie with either of us. Maybe it was nothing more than an accident that no one could have prevented.” She remembered now how impulsive David had always been. He’d been the one to swing from the rope in the tree in the backyard. He’d been the one to ride his bike as fast as he could down the long hills, while she and Mary had looked on.
Even at that young age, David had been a risk-taker, while Lizzie had always been the one to stand there watching him.
Finally she said, “We don’t know how things would have turned out if you’d been there. No one knows. All the times you came by my parents’ haus, all those years and all those visits—was it because you felt guilty?”
She didn’t think she could take it if he said yes, because that could mean only one thing: that this relationship was his way of making things up to her for David’s death.
“At first I came because I was so worried about you. And then, ja. I guess I had a lot of guilt. I felt terrible that your vader was left without a son.”
Lizzie swallowed.
“Then I knew we shared something more.” Cupping her face between his hands, he tipped her head back, his gaze capturing hers.
Lizzie’s breathing picked up. The look in his eyes began to change, going from hurt and pain to hope.
She felt the calluses on the pads of his thumbs as he stroked her jaw.
“I want to kiss you, Lizzie,” he whispered. “Would that be all right?”
She nodded.
He lowered his head and gently touched his lips to hers.
He raised his head, resting his forehead against hers. “I’m sorry. That was too bold of me.”
“Nee. The time was right for our first kiss.”
He looked at her with an intensity she’d never seen before. It might be too soon to express his feelings to her, but Paul couldn’t hold them back any longer.
“I love you, Lizzie. With all my heart and soul, I love you.”
Tears sprang to her eyes again. “Paul.” Her voice hitched with emotion, knowing that once she said the words, she couldn’t take them back. Her heart blossomed as she spoke. “I love you, too.”
His smile stretched from ear to ear. “I can’t believe I’m hearing you say those words. Lizzie, you mean so very much to me. And I know there’s still so much to be done to make our courtship work.”
“Like getting my vader’s permission. He still wants a son-in-law to take over the farm.” She reached out to touch his face, smiling when she felt the light stubble beneath her fingertips.
This was the first time she’d touched his face. He felt like warmth and light and love.
As he covered her hand with his, she felt the corners of his mouth turn up.
Then he replied to her comment about her vader. “Maybe once Joseph sees how well your paintings are doing and the fact that I can support a family with my furniture store, he’ll come around.”
Lizzie wanted to believe him. She knew that her vader could be very stubborn when it came to what he wanted in his family and for his farm. She also wanted to believe that he would like to see his daughter happy.
Happy. She let the feeling sink in. For the first time in as long as she could remember, Lizzie felt not just happy, but happiness.
Gathering her in his arms, Paul pulled her close. “Oh, Lizzie, I love you so much. But I think we need to be getting back. I don’t want to worry your parents.”
“That wouldn’t be a good thing to do,” she agreed.
When he started to help her up off the bench, she put her hand over his chest, stilling his movement. Beneath her fingers, his heart beat at a strong, steady rate. She closed her eyes, imagining their life together. Maybe they could have one of the smaller farms off in the distance. Perhaps there would be children. Lizzie knew if they were blessed with a son, she would name him after her brother and pray that he wasn’t as impulsive.
“Elizabeth Miller. When we return to your home, I’m going to ask your vader if I may court you. It’s time to make this official.”
Lizzie’s heart swelled.
He kissed her forehead. “Let’s get you home.”
Lizzie wanted the ride home to last forever. She wanted to savor the moment when Paul had told her he loved her for as long as she could. But as soon as he turned the buggy into the driveway, she knew trouble had come their way.