Chapter 19

 

I WOKE UP knowing that today I would finally face what I have been avoiding since the day Gray died. Today was the day I would return to our spot on the freeway.

I went into the bathroom to pee. I splashed water on my face, pulled off my pajamas, and stood naked in front of the full-length mirror. I studied my face. It had filled out just as my belly had. It had never occurred to me that other parts of my body besides my belly would change, but they had changed. My ankles were swollen and my feet had grown almost a full size. My hair was curlier than before and I had this crazy dark line that ran from my belly button down to my pubes. My breasts were enormous with thick pink stretch marks covering them like mountain roads. My nipples were tiny pointing fingers. My belly button stuck straight out, you could even see it through my baggy shirt. Spidery veins crawled across my calves.

I was a brand new person, not just because I was almost a mom or because I had grown emotionally—I was literally a brand new person from my puffed up feet all the way up to my now super curly hair. Nobody talked all that much about how your body transformed when you were pregnant—I mean other than the obvious big belly—but every single drop of my body had changed. I had no idea if it would ever go back.

I pulled on my oversized cut-off cargo shorts, slid into my baggy men’s shirt, brushed my teeth, and went back into my room to find my phone. I brought up Lou’s number to text him. I still had it listed as Pru. Can you come over? I didn’t expect him to be up yet, so I made my way into the kitchen as quietly as possible with Rags in tow. I put her outside to pee, dumped some food into her dish, and some into Petunia’s dish, and I poured myself a bowl of cereal.

My phone buzzed: Be there in ten.

What are you doing up? I wrote back.

Waiting for you to text me. What else would I be doing up? On my way, ya big gay!

Lou and I had come to an uneasy truce since our big fight. It was still a little awkward, but we were both trying to get back to how it was before the fight. I was terrified to lose him, and I think he was terrified to lose me. At least I hoped he was. I was still worried about what he would do if I followed through on putting Gracie up for adoption.

I abandoned the cereal, grabbed a sandwich bag out of the kitchen drawer, and then hurried back into my room to get my shoes on, which wasn’t easy. Bending over had become tricky. I took one of the ultrasound pictures off my dresser and slid it into the baggy. I went back to the kitchen to fill my water bottle and grabbed Rags’ leash off the hook by the back door. As an afterthought I decided to bring along a couple of Mom’s seed and nut protein bars. I was struggling to eat lately, but I knew that the baby needed it. Guilt made me take a couple bites of one before cramming it in my pack. I tried to think of what else I should take.

What was I forgetting?

Gray’s mom’s picture—that was what I was forgetting. I went back to my room and pulled out Gray’s box. I rifled through until I found the picture of their mom, the only one they had. I ran my finger over the surface. Gray’s mom looked so young and happy, holding baby Gray. I put it in the sandwich bag and slid it into my backpack. I grabbed one of my unused Virgin Mary candles and put that in the pack as well. I took Gray’s snow globe off of my nightstand, wrapped it in a t-shirt, and tucked it next to the candle.

I clipped Rags’ leash on and the two of us went out to the porch to wait for Lou.

A minute later Lou’s Prius pulled up. “What’s up? Are we going somewhere.” He eyed my backpack. He pulled a cigarette from the pack in his shirt pocket.

“I’m ready to face it.”

I didn’t have to explain; he knew exactly what I was talking about. He squinted at me as he exhaled smoke. “Do you want to drive there?”

“No, let’s walk.”

I noticed that since Pru had become Lou, he was changing. He was quieter and, although he still joked a lot, his jokes were softer. Since he took the new name and pronoun he’d also started to dress a little differently. He was wearing a short-sleeved, blue plaid, button-down shirt, baggy tan cargo shorts, and a pair of old Dr. Martins. Brilliant orange-and-pink socks peeked out over the top of his scuffed boots. He was letting his hair grow out and as it did, it formed tiny dreadlocks that stuck up all over. He still wore his beaded hemp bracelet.

I think he had started wearing a binder, but it was hard to tell because even though he was chubby his boobs were actually pretty tiny. The changes looked good on him, I thought. Sometimes when I looked at him I couldn’t keep from smiling, and sometimes I even felt shy when he looked at me. I wondered if I was falling in love with him.

“Hang on a second,” I said as I rushed back inside.

Seeing Lou’s bracelet reminded me that I wanted to wear the one that Gray had given me on that terrible day. I made my way back into my room as quietly as possible, careful not to wake Mom, Henry, or my sister. I found the bracelet on my desk and tried to snap it on. I could barely snap it. My wrists were puffed up with pregnancy. I ran my fingers over the soft leather, feeling sadness creep in around the edges of my calm. I took a deep breath and hurried back out to Lou, staying one step ahead of the oozing sadness.

Lou set the alarm on his car, took my pack from me, and slung it onto his back, took another long drag off his cigarette and then tamped it out on the dusty ground. He looped his arm through mine.

“Okay, let’s do this,” he said.

We headed out down the street toward Gray’s apartment. Rags led the way, sniffing out our path.

“I want to go by the park first,” I said.

We turned down the road that led to the park that I had gone to that night. As the park boundary came into sight memories flashed through my head. I didn’t let any of them land though. I just let them float in and float out just like Anna taught me.

“Have you decided if you’re going to do T or not?” I asked more as a way to stay distracted than out of true interest.

“I dunno.” He sighed. “I’m still pretty torn on it. I have all the information, but I really don’t know if I need that to be a dude, or honestly, if I even want to actually be a dude. I think I might like to just stay sort of in the middle at least for now. You know?”

“Yeah, I know what you mean. I sort of feel that way too sometimes. In the middle I mean, though . . .” I paused to look down at my grapefruit boobs and watermelon belly. “I guess right now I definitely feel like a girl.”

“Dude, your boobs are enormous. I had no idea that happened.”

“Yeah, it’s crazy. Too bad after the baby is born they morph into saggy, baggy old lady boobs. I remember once when I was a little kid I saw my mom topless. Her boobs looked like someone had taken an old pair of sweat socks and dropped a rock into them. You know that song “Do Your Ears Hang Low”?Well that was exactly what popped into my head when I saw my mom’s saggy, baggy boobs.”

Lou burst into song. “Do your boobs hang low, do they wobble to and fro . . .”

We both cracked up.

“But seriously,” I said, “now I’ll have saggy bags too.”

“You gonna breast feed that kid?” I could tell that this conversation was making Lou uncomfortable.

“I don’t know if I’m going to raise her or not. But yeah, I’ll at least breastfeed her that first day before she goes to her new parents if I don’t keep her. And if I do decide to raise her, I’m going to try to breastfeed for a while at least. I’ve been reading up on it and it seems like the best thing. And it seems sort of wrong to feed a brand new baby smelly powdered chemicals if you don’t have to. But I don’t know, maybe it will be harder than it looks.”

“It’s so weird that your body can actually make food that will keep another human alive. Hell, it’s so weird that your body can actually make a human.” He smiled. “Are you sure you can give her up? I mean won’t that be really hard?” he asked without looking at me.

I felt myself stiffen. “I don’t want to talk about this with you. Especially right now.” I had no desire to have a repeat of our big fight.

Lou looked down at his boots. We walked in awkward silence the rest of the block to the park entrance. We came around the handball wall and there were the swings that I sat on that night, crying and listening to the sirens and helicopter, having no idea they were there for Gray. I walked over and slid onto one. Lou sat on the one next to me. Neither of us attempted to swing, instead we just twisted our swings back and forth toward each other and then away from each other while Rags sniffed around. Rags knew this park. She and Gray had spent a lot of time here. I wondered if she remembered Gray.

“You okay?” Lou asked.

“Yeah, the last time I was here was that night. It was the first time I ever had sex and the first time anyone I knew died, I mean other than like my grandma. And it was the same person on the same night.”

“I’ve never had sex,” Lou said.

This shocked me. Lou was almost eighteen and seemed so confident. I thought I was the only one in the world that hadn’t had sex by the time they were sixteen, I mean other than like Mormons or something.

“Don’t look so surprised.”

“I guess I just thought . . .” I didn’t finish my sentence because I didn’t know what I thought.

“I only had sex the one time. I hadn’t planned on it,” I said as I put my hand on the watermelon, trying hard not to let too many memories slide in. “Let’s go. I want to see their apartment.”

As we made our way up the street the air was alive with morning bird song and it was already warm even though it was still early. Dust and grime clung to our skin. We turned down Gray’s old street and Rags stopped, her ears went up, and then she gave a small yelp as she tugged ahead on the leash. It hadn’t occurred to me that she might remember. I let her lead the way like she had done a thousand times before with Gray and me.

Gray’s apartment came into view. It looked grungier than I had remembered. The steps leading up to their old place looked like they could collapse at any moment. It made me feel sad for Gray. They had worked two jobs just to have this dumpy place.

Whoever was living there now had lined up cheap plastic pots along the top railing and filled them with pansies and marigolds. I wondered if they had to work two jobs to keep up on the rent. As we got closer to the apartment Rags strained harder on the leash, her tail wagging in swoops.

I stopped at the bottom of the stairs and in one wild jerk Rags broke loose and bolted up the stairs. She got to the door and scratched at it with her paw.

“Rags,” I shouted, “Come. Rags, come here.”

She ignored me, whining and scratching at the door. I hadn’t planned on this. I felt my face go hot. Push the memories back. Let them float away, I chanted silently in my head.

Lou put his hand on my shoulder. “You okay?”

“We have to get Rags,” I said, heading up the stairs.

Just then the door to Gray’s apartment opened and a sleepy eyed woman—maybe thirty—with bright pink hair came out.

“Well, hello there,” she said, bending down to pet Rags. Rags charged past her into the apartment.

“I’m sorry, she used to live here,” I said, coming to the top of the stairs just as Rags vanished into the apartment.

I stood politely at the door as the woman went in to get Rags. My heart sped up as I looked inside. I tried to concentrate on taking slow, deep breaths. I felt my nails start to dig into my palms. I wanted my blade.

Lou came up behind me and put his arm around me. “You okay?” he whispered for the hundredth time that morning.

I didn’t answer. I just kept breathing, in and out.

The room had been painted. It was the same dingy white color, but it was a fresh dingy white and there was new cheap blue carpet. The woman, or at least I’m assuming it was her, had hung green and pink striped curtains on the one window that faced out. They looked much nicer than the old drooping sheet that Gray had tacked up when they lived there. I could see a bed in the same space that Gray had placed their bed, and a small table where Gray’s nightstand had been. I wondered what had happened to Gray’s bed and other furniture. The landlord had probably taken it to the dump, I thought. I was trying hard to focus on my breathing.

I felt a swirling chaos building inside of me. Think of the baby, I kept saying to myself. Breathe in, breathe out. Let the memories float away. I tried to picture my memories tucked inside a Mylar balloon that was floating up into the clouds. Let them float away. Let them float away. I concentrated on keeping my nails from digging into my palms. Breathe in, breathe out.

Rags ran through the tiny apartment, sniffing, before she jumped up on the bed.

“I’m sorry,” I heard myself say. “Rags, come.”

“Oh no problem,” the woman replied as she lifted Rags off the bed. She took the leash and coaxed her back to us.

Lou took the leash from her. I had crammed my hands into my pockets and they were frozen there.

“So you used to live here?” she asked.

“No, a friend of hers lived here,” Lou said.

“Wait a minute. You’re the girl in the pictures. And the dog. I knew you looked familiar, but didn’t recognize you with the shorter hair,” she said excitedly. “Hold on a minute.”

She went to the small cupboard above the refrigerator, and pulled down a paper grocery bag. “I found these after I moved in and, I don’t know, I just couldn’t bring myself to throw them out. I’m sentimental like that. I felt a little foolish saving this stuff, because what in the world would I do with this? But now that you’re here I’m so glad I did.” She pulled out Henry’s old ratty plush unicorn and a small stack of photographs. 

Henry had given the threadbare unicorn to Gray soon after they met. Henry had overheard Gray talking about not having any of their mementos from childhood and had rushed to his room and returned with the unicorn. That night was the first time I saw Gray cry. 

I took the unicorn and the photographs and tried to smile. I knew better than to look at the pictures at that moment, so I slid them into the side pocket of my shorts.

“Thank you,” Lou said, smiling for me. “Sorry to bother you.”

“No worries.” The woman reached out her hand and took Lou’s. She gave me a soft smile and then bent down to scruff Rags’ head. I had a feeling she knew what had happened to my “friend.”

I took the stairs slowly, holding tightly to the rail with one hand and the unicorn with the other. My watermelon belly and my emotions made me feel unsteady on the steep, rickety stairs. My heart was fluttering in my chest and my lungs felt as if they were being squeezed by huge, sweaty hands. I had to concentrate on getting enough air. 

Lou pulled Rags along behind him, coaxing her with gentle words. “C’mon Ragsy, c’mon girl.”

Rags would come down a couple of steps and then stop and look back up at the apartment. Lou would gently coax her and they’d progress another two steps. Rags and Lou continued this game of walk-a-few-steps-and-then-stop until we had passed the gas station and 7-Eleven two blocks away. At that point Rags put her tail down, gave up, and accepted her fate. I knew how she felt.