I was too tired and emotional to make the drive home, so I spent the night in Worcester at a Holiday Inn Express. Not exactly the Mark. As I lay in bed, I realized that I was living my childhood again—alone, afraid, and homeless. My night terrors returned.

The next day I drove all the way home to Lancaster, except I didn’t have a home there anymore, so I drove to the house to see my only friend. Frankie was surprised to see me.

“You’re back? Why are you back?”

“I left Lee.”

She tried to look sympathetic, but I’m sure she thought I was an imbecile. “Why?”

“He lied to me.”

“Was it another woman?”

“No.”

“Well, whatever it was, I’m sure you know what you’re doing. I’m here for you. Do you need a place to stay?”

“Just for tonight, if I can.”

“Of course you can. You can sleep with me. Arlo can sleep on the couch.”

“You’re still mad at him?”

“It’s going to take a while.”

The next day I went out apartment hunting. There wasn’t much in my price range, but I found a dingy little studio apartment with a month-to-month lease.

The next few weeks I immersed myself in work, grabbing as much overtime as I could, which was always easy to get during the holidays. The season moved around me like a parade, and I was the person on the sidewalk watching it go by.

All the while I was trying to get Lee out of my mind. When he had come for me after I left him in New York, he said that my face was graffitied on his mind. Now it was my turn. It didn’t help that his book was still the number one book in America. I couldn’t go into any bookstore or grocery store and not see him. I turned on the television once and saw him being interviewed.

Worst of all, the further I got from it all, the harder it was for me to defend my actions. I had acted rashly from fear. The reality was that everything Lee said had made sense. Under the circumstances any reasonable person would have done the same. He was trying to help his brother pull his life together. He wasn’t trying to deceive anyone. He wasn’t trying to hurt anyone.

But I had. I had hurt the only man I’d ever known who had shown me real love. It was painful to accept my culpability. And I had already gotten a second chance. I knew there was no way back.