Ren lay awake listening to Dani breathe. The sound was foreign and fascinating. She’d never slept with anyone else before. Thinking back, the last time she’d had a roommate was in her first year of college, and her roommate, Sarah Fenway, had hardly ever been there. Sarah’d had a group of her own friends whom she’d known from high school. Even then, Ren had recognized that what passed as worldliness and sophistication among Sarah and her friends was really an elaborate disguise to cover insecurity and uncertainty, but that hadn’t made their dismissal of her any easier. Ren, feeling out of place whenever any of them decided to spend time in their suite, had taken very quickly to studying in the library. She’d once heard someone refer to her as the little ghost when they thought she hadn’t been listening. She supposed she was in a way, moving in and out of circle after circle, never leaving an impression on anyone except the teachers and mentors. She’d impressed them for her aptitude, but even they had never seen beyond that to consider what her achievements might have cost. Sax was the only one in her life, until Quinn Maguire, who’d ever looked at her and not thought of her as special first.
Ren laughed to herself.
Sax had never found her extraordinary, and in fact had told her point-blank she’d have to be tough and resilient and enterprising to succeed in a career in surgery.
“And you think I’m not,” Ren had said, supremely confident at the age of fifteen.
“I think you don’t know enough to know what you can do,” Sax had said. “Or what you might not want to do.”
“I’m not afraid of the competition,” Ren said. “I’ve heard what you’ve said before, about there always being room at the top.”
Sax sighed. “That’s an expression that’s supposed to be encouraging. But it doesn’t mention the cost of success.”
“Like what?”
“Like giving up big chunks of your life at a time when you should be enjoying it most—like putting aside relationships until later, if later ever comes.”
“You have a relationship with Jude,” Ren pointed out stubbornly.
“Yes, and I’m damn lucky I do. If Jude wasn’t the amazing person she is—” Sax ran a hand through her hair, and a distant look came into her eyes. “I’m not sure who I might have turned into in another ten years.”
“I’m not worried about what might happen in twenty years,” Ren said.
“I know. But the sacrifices will start a long time before that—just try to notice, okay?”
“I know what I want,” Ren had told her. “And I know what it will take. You’ve told me. I’ve been listening.”
Sax had studied her for long seconds, then nodded in agreement. “All right then. Let’s talk about where you ought to train.”
And from that point on, Sax had believed in her. She’d never again warned her of the consequences of her decisions. And Ren had not forgotten.
“What are you thinking about?” Dani said from the darkness.
“My sister,” Ren said.
“The one in New York? The trauma surgeon?”
“Yes, Sax. She’s the only one—no other sibs.”
“What about her?” Dani leaned on an elbow, turning to face Ren. There wasn’t enough moonlight for Ren to make out all her features, but she could see the outline of her profile, gilded in silver. Dani’s face was strong, the bold contours softened by her perpetual tenderness. Dani was a person who cared.
“You have a great face,” Ren murmured.
Dani’s laugh was surprised and warm. “First I’ve heard of that.”
“Then you’ve had strange girlfriends.”
“You might be right,” Dani said quietly. “So, what were you thinking about your sister?”
“Oh,” Ren said, “just thinking about some of the things she warned me about—maybe that’s too strong a word. She wanted me to appreciate how hard the training would be.”
“Not bad advice. Didn’t put you off, though.”
Ren snorted. “Or you—or any of us.”
“Plenty switched out early on.”
“I know. But we’re almost done. We’ve almost made it.”
“Until the next round,” Dani said wryly.
“You’re right. This year is only the end of this step.”
“You’re not worried about it, are you?” Dani asked. “Getting a fellowship, I mean?”
“Worried?” Ren considered. She never worried—she’d always just planned. Nowhere in her plans, though, had she imagined Dani. Never had she expected to wake up beside a woman and wonder what that meant. “No, not really.”
“Good. You shouldn’t be. You’ll have your pick of places.” Dani kissed her lightly. “So you couldn’t sleep?”
“I did for a little while,” Ren said, trying to set the vague sense of unease aside. “Last night was exhausting in a really nice kind of way.”
Dani laughed again. “You have a very interesting way of describing things. But I agree. Exhausting. Basically, you wore me out.”
Ren turned on her side to fully face Dani. “Maybe you wore me out too. I usually only sleep a few hours at a time.”
“Huh, I didn’t get the feeling you were quite done when I finally collapsed.”
“I was quite happy, thank you.” Ren shivered as Dani skimmed a palm down the curve of her flank and rested her fingers at the base of her belly. A flutter of arousal lifted from her pelvis, and she sucked in a breath.
“How about now?” Dani murmured, her mouth against Ren’s breast. “Still totally happy?”
Ren steadied her breathing before she replied. “I obviously have a very rapid recovery time. And I’m definitely not worn out.”
“Come here then.” Dani wrapped an arm around Ren’s waist, turned onto her back, and settled Ren on top of her.
Ren braced herself on her hands to look down. “I’ve never slept with anyone before.”
“I got that idea,” Dani murmured, lifting her head enough to kiss Ren.
“No, I mean, in the same space even.”
“Oh, not just sex?”
“I think just sex is an oxymoron or something similar. But no, I wasn’t referring only to sleeping with someone as in having sex with them, but literally sleeping in the same proximity.”
“So is it weird?”
“No, it’s interesting. Listening to you breathe is nice.”
“Nice,” Dani said. “Is it nice like sexy, or nice like cuddly?”
“Ah—in your case, I’d go with sexy.”
“Mm, good.” Dani stroked Ren’s back, her featherlight caresses stirring the heat in Ren’s depths. “I’m a pretty restless sleeper, usually. I’m not sure you’d like sleeping with me very often.”
“I don’t know, you’ve been pretty quiet tonight.”
“Like I mentioned, exhausted.”
“Oh, that.” Ren shifted her hips, fitting herself more closely to Dani’s body. She didn’t have to wonder if Dani was a good lover. She didn’t need any other experience except what they’d shared to know that Dani was everything she could ask for. Dani was attentive, gentle when she needed to be, and not so gentle when Ren needed her not to be. Dani had touched her with confidence, as if she was somehow listening to the rhythms of Ren’s blood and body. Dani had given her all she’d dreamed of and more. Ren’d never lacked for confidence herself, and she was quite sure that when she’d touched Dani she’d pleasured her in a way that was satisfying. But she wasn’t altogether certain that there hadn’t been more that she might’ve done, and she wanted to do it all.
“What’s your favorite thing to do in bed?” Ren asked.
“Um, you know, it depends.”
“On what?”
“On what it is whoever I’m with is into.”
“Hmm. That’s only half the equation, then.”
Dani laughed. “I’m not sure you can explain good sex with mathematical theorems.”
“I’m unaware of anyone having tried.” She’d have to consider that some other time.
Ren scooted down a little bit, and Dani automatically parted her legs. Ren relaxed between them, her middle snuggled into the delta of Dani’s thighs. Dani caught her breath and lifted her hips, pressing her center closer against Ren’s body. Her heat spread out over Ren’s skin, setting off a ripple of sensation though her core.
“I totally see why you thought of the other person first,” Ren said. “You’re a very perceptive—and I guess the word would be generous—lover. After all, you made me come about 60,000 times.”
“Sixty-one,” Dani murmured.
“Okay, maybe that many. But what do you like? When you think about being touched, what do you imagine? That’s what I want to know.”
“Um, well…” Dani hesitated. The night with Ren had been filled with a lot of firsts—starting way back before they even got into bed. But this was something new she hadn’t expected. Talking about what she wanted. She didn’t always top in bed, but she did a lot, mostly because she got so much pleasure from pleasuring her partner, and maybe because somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew she hadn’t more to give. A conversation like this one just never came up when she’d always been careful to be sure that casual was understood. But, once again, this was Ren—a brand-new game. New rules. Exciting, and scary.
“I promise if it sounds like something I really don’t want to do, I’ll tell you,” Ren said, “but I can’t right offhand think of what that might be.”
“How do you feel about oral sex?” Dani said softly.
“Oh, I think I feel fine about it. Tell me if I get it wrong.”
Anticipating, exhilarated, Ren slid down a little farther and rested her cheek against Dani’s thigh. She stroked her softly, tracing the soft, warm contours of her sex, slipping her fingertips over satin-smooth ridges and valleys.
Dani drew a hissing breath. “You have great hands.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment.”
As she stroked her a little faster, Dani’s thighs tightened. “Big compliment.”
Smiling, Ren parted her gently and kissed her.
“Hell,” Dani groaned.
She had intended to go slowly, to tease her, to tease herself. To savor every incredible unique sensation, but the yearning that flooded her at the first touch destroyed every plan she’d carefully formulated. Driven by desire, she let the surging hunger carry her beyond thought. She explored, tracing and tasting to satisfy her need, speeding up and slowing down with the rise and flow of Dani’s breath. When Dani’s hand cradled her head, pulling her tight against her, Ren hurried her strokes to meet Dani’s urgent thrusts. Without thinking, she slipped her fingers into Dani’s heat, and when Dani broke, clenching around her, the satisfaction was sweeter than anything she’d ever experienced. Now she understood how vast the pleasure that came from pleasing.
Ren closed her eyes and let out a long sigh of contentment. “That could possibly become one of my favorite things to do.”
“No complaints here,” Dani muttered, her voice slurred with satiation.
Ren finally lay beside her and wrapped an arm around Dani’s middle. “It’s almost morning. I’ll have to get up soon.”
“Me too.” Dani rested her forehead against Ren’s. “But I really don’t want to.”
“I don’t know what to say after a night like this.”
“You don’t have to say anything,” Dani said.
“I feel like I do. You were awesome.”
Dani laughed. “Okay, I’ll take that.” She kissed Ren. “I happen to think you’re awesome too.”
“Even awesome doesn’t quite cover it,” Ren said, “but I’m just going to say that I really liked being with you last night. And the sex was great.”
The predawn light lit Dani’s face, and Ren could see her grin. “Okay, that works. Me too.”
Ren kissed her, relieved that they seemed to understand each other. She could have said many things, but none would have really relayed how amazing the experience had been. She wasn’t ready, literally didn’t have time, to think beyond that. She had patients to see, surgeries to prepare for, a paper to finish. Those were her priorities. She sat up quickly. “I’m going to go shower and get to the hospital. Will you be going in now too?”
“I should probably head home for a change of clothes.”
“Okay. I’ll see you then.”
“Ren,” Dani said as Ren climbed out of bed.
Ren turned back. “Yes?”
“The other thing, sometimes, after a night like the one we had. One of us says, I’d like to see you again.”
Ren paused. “I imagined that was so. I would have said it, if I knew I would have time.”
“I get that.” Dani swung her legs over the side of the bed and stood. She was beautiful, unselfconsciously naked. “So I’ll say, you should call me, when you can.”
“All right. I will.” She didn’t add, if I can.
Dani already knew.
* * *
Dani met Zoey walking up the front steps.
“Oh, hello,” Zoey said. “Just getting in from your hot date?”
“Yup,” Dani said. “Just getting home from yours?”
Zoey grinned. “Yep.”
They walked in together, and Zoey said, “Dibs on the shower.”
Dani edged around her and hurtled up the stairs two at a time. “Too late.”
“Make it fast. I’ll put the coffee on.”
Dani stripped while the hot water actually got hot and stepped under the blessedly strong spray. Eyes closed, she tilted her head back and let the hot needles wake her up. Nothing was going to banish the surreal afterglow of the night before, though. The whole night had been unreal—the anxious craving throughout dinner—so unlike her usual familiar sexual urges, the surprise of Ren taking charge when they’d reached her house and how much she’d liked it, the seamless way they’d fit physically, and the unspoken compatibility of their wants. Ren was completely without pretense in bed—she embraced her pleasure with the same ease as she drew breath. Dani would have been content to spend all night making her come. Just thinking about it now made her hot all over again.
Zoey banged on the door. “Time’s up.”
Dani started. Time’s up.
Man, she hoped not.
“Leave the water running!” Zoey, naked except for a towel wrapped around her, hurried in the second Dani opened the door and jumped into the shower.
After she dressed, Dani went downstairs to make toast for both of them.
Zoey arrived five minutes later, her hair in damp strands that would somehow look great when it dried, and plopped down at the kitchen table. “So?”
“No details,” Dani said.
“Well, obviously there was sex. You couldn’t have been doing anything else all night.”
“No details.”
“There wasn’t?”
Dani slid her two pieces of toast, the last she’d found in the cupboard, across to Zoey along with the Skippy. “Someone needs to go shopping.”
“Dani, there’s only two of us here.”
“I’ll flip you for it.”
“I’ll go this time,” Zoey said with exaggerated patience, “and then it’s your turn. And you have to get more than Cap’n Crunch.”
“There’s more?” Dani pulled out the last box of cereal and shook it. From the sounds of it, not even a full bowl remained. With a sigh, she sat down at the table. “We’re sad.”
“I’m not sad,” Zoey said with a twitch of an eyebrow. “I’m sorry if you’re sad.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
Zoey pointed with her peanut butter smeared knife. “There was sex.”
“Zoey,” Dani said with a plaintive sigh, “we had a great night together, okay? That’s it. No more details.”
“All right.” Zoey took a bite of toast. “But do you like her?”
“Sure I like her. I wouldn’t have—”
“Yes, you would have.”
“Hey!”
“I mean,” Zoey went on, “you don’t sleep with people you don’t like. But you don’t like like all of them, do you?”
“No. Not that way.”
“But you do like Ren that way.”
“I like her. That’s it. Come on, Zoey, we’ve only known each other a while, and you know, we’re residents. You know how it is.”
“Um—me and Dec, remember? Anyhow, it’s interesting that you bring it up.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t think you’ve ever even thought about it when you, you know, had a night with someone else. You had a night—as I recall, some of them seemed rather…satisfying…” She smirked. “But then it was over, then or maybe the next time. But it wasn’t anything you gave any thought to. It sounds like you’ve given thought to this.”
“Well, Ren’s different. It wasn’t a casual thing. I mean it was, but not…never mind.”
Zoey leaned back, her expression softening. “Maybe you’d like it to be more?”
Dani pushed the Cap’n Crunch box away. “I don’t know. Sometimes I think yes. But I don’t know.”
“When’s the last time you had a serious girlfriend?”
“College.”
“Long time ago. How come, do you think?”
“I had other things to think about, getting into med school for one. Dealing with my parents, and—never mind. Let’s just say I didn’t have the mental or emotional energy for anything personal.”
“I get it. But sometimes you need more than what we get from what we do.”
“Maybe some people do,” Dani said, tossing the cereal box in the trash. “I’m not sure Ren is one of them.”