Dani squelched the urge to grab Ren’s hand and tug her along down the hall. She wasn’t in the habit of getting physical with women she hardly knew who hadn’t invited her attentions, but she had the feeling that Ren would disappear any second—bolt down the nearest stairwell and disappear into the night. She glanced at Ren, but her expression, like usual, was composed and nearly unreadable, as smooth as the still waters of a mountain lake just after dawn. Without a ripple, without a hint of current, with no suggestion of what might be teeming just below the surface. Not shallow, anything but. Endless depths.
“Something wrong?” Ren asked.
Dani jumped. “No. No. Not at all. I was just thinking…” They’d reached the elevator, and she pushed the down button.
“We could take the stairs,” Ren said.
“Great idea,” Dani blurted, spinning around and hurrying to the stairwell. She pushed the fire door open and held it for Ren. What was the matter with her? She was acting like she was thirteen and on her first date. Which she was so not—and this was so not a date.
“Thinking what?” Ren said as they started down the concrete stairs, their footsteps echoing in the stairwell, keeping time, it felt, with the beat of Dani’s heart.
What had she been thinking? Dani struggled for a response. She wasn’t about to say she’d been half mesmerized by looking at Ren, by trying to figure her out. When they pushed through at the bottom, they were on the far side of the hospital, separated from the street by a wide grassy expanse bisected by a brick walkway. The summer heat and the smell of fresh-mown grass and the distant smoke of barbecue hit Dani all at once. She almost stumbled as she stopped and said the first thing that came to her. “God. Life. It feels so damn good to be out here.”
Ren stared at her, and then her calm expression turned bright and warm, her face suffused with pleasure. She laughed, an airy, musical sound that accompanied the thunder of Dani’s heart like a teasing refrain.
“What?” Dani said, slightly louder than she meant.
“Nothing,” Ren said, but she was still smiling. “I just like your…exuberance.”
Dani frowned. “Why does that make me sound like a puppy?”
The corner of Ren’s mouth twitched, as if she was trying not to laugh again. “Don’t you like puppies?”
They’d reached the street now and made their way through the neighborhood of mostly single-family homes. One of the things Dani really loved about being at PMC was the sense of the community all around it. She’d wanted a big-city hospital program, but she hadn’t wanted to live in the heart of the city. Luck wasn’t something she was used to, and certainly nothing she ever counted on, but the closure of her first surgery program had turned out to be just that. She’d ended up at exactly the kind of place she wanted to be. And she’d met Zoey, an amazing new friend. And Ren—someone she hadn’t expected. Someone who…fascinated her.
Dani caught her mind wandering again and said quickly, “Everyone likes puppies, until they’re not puppies anymore. The affection is an illusion.” She frowned. “Or maybe the puppies are.”
“I had a puppy, and I loved her just as much when she grew up,” Ren said softly, her expression distant.
“That’s good to know,” Dani said. Maybe puppies weren’t as disappointing when they grew up as children often were.
“But,” Ren said, recovering her light tone, “I was just thinking about how joyful they always seem to be, and now that I think of it, that’s how I first thought of you.”
“No one has ever suggested that about me.” Dani pointed to the left. “It’s this way.”
“Why is that, do you think?” Ren asked.
Dani narrowed her eyes and shot her a look. What the hell kind of conversation was this? Not the kind she was used to when she was just trying to get to know a woman. Of course, come to think of it, she didn’t usually need a whole lot of time for anything more than the usual: name, age, relationship status, and were they ready to leave yet? She definitely needed to rearrange her expectations. Ren was nothing like those women, and she should’ve known that. Every encounter she’d had with Ren so far had made that clear. Ren was waiting for an answer, strolling along as if she hadn’t been poking at places Dani preferred to keep safely buried. She could just not answer, signal she wanted to keep things superficial, easy. That’s how she always managed it when relationships got too heavy. The rest of her life was plenty heavy. But then, nothing about Ren signaled superficial or easy, and she found she didn’t want Ren to be disappointed. She took a breath. “Not being joyous, you mean? There’s a lightness to it, isn’t there. Optimism. And I don’t think I have a lot of either.”
“It’s kind of hard to hold on to anything like that, sometimes, with what we see, don’t you think?”
“Maybe that’s it.” And Ren was right, dealing with life and death and what often seemed unfair made a person wary, but there were so many other reasons not to expect a perfect ending. And that was way beyond what she wanted to talk about.
When Ren remained silent, Dani wondered if they’d strayed too far from what was comfortable already. For her it was a pretty narrow path, maybe for Ren too.
“You don’t really know someone just from brushing up against them, not literally necessarily, but even when you work beside them,” Ren said contemplatively. “I would’ve said you were not exactly happy-go-lucky, but not bothered by much of anything. Carefree, maybe.”
“But you changed your mind?” Dani said. An unexpected wave of disappointment passed through her, as if she’d failed Ren somehow.
“No, you changed it.” Ren smiled. “You just showed me my assumption wasn’t true.”
“And that’s all it takes?”
“You told me something about you, and who would know better?”
“Well. Okay. I never figured it to be that easy.”
“What?” Ren asked.
“Being actually seen by someone.”
“Oh, I understand now.” Ren’s brows drew together, leaving a tiny crease between them. In that instant, she went from really attractive to really sexy.
And Dani really wanted to brush her thumb over that little crease. Actually, she wanted to kiss her. Whoa. Not her usual modus operandi. Ren had somehow turned everything upside down. She all of a sudden wanted to kiss her because Ren said she understood her. A little? That was just…not her.
“I don’t think it’s easy—letting someone see you,” Ren said, “at all. If you hadn’t told me something about yourself, I never would’ve known. I would’ve just kept on thinking that my very distant and probably superficial and obviously incorrect impressions had been true.”
“Okay, then you have to tell me something about yourself.”
“I might need to think about it.” Her tone suggested she thought Dani might argue or push her to say something she might not be ready to reveal.
“Fair enough.” Dani slipped her hand under Ren’s elbow. “The restaurant’s just over there.” A few seconds later she realized what she’d done, but Ren hadn’t pulled away, and she didn’t want to move her hand. So she didn’t. Being that close to her felt nice. “Is it okay with you if we eat at the outside tables? I know it’s a little hot, but—”
“No, that would be great,” Ren said. “I love that it doesn’t get dark until almost nine during the summer. We even get to leave the hospital sometimes when it’s still daylight.”
“I know.” Dani laughed, and the lightness she’d felt when Ren had agreed to come out with her returned. Ren had a way of chasing away the shadows.
The hostess showed them to a two-top against the short wrought-iron fence that separated the seating area in front of the cantina from the sidewalk.
“Can I get you two something to drink?” she asked as she handed them the menus.
Dani glanced at Ren. “I’m not on call. You?”
Ren shook her head.
“I’ll have whatever’s on tap. Ren?”
“I’ll have the same.”
“You girls got ID?” the hostess asked.
Ren retrieved the thin ID case she carried in her shirt pocket and extracted her license as Dani took out her wallet.
The hostess glanced at them, took a second look at Ren, and handed them back. “Okay, thanks.”
“At least they’ve stopped asking me if my ID’s fake,” Ren muttered.
“Did you get that a lot?”
“Yes,” Ren sighed.
“That’s annoying.”
Ren gave her a grateful look. “It is.”
“So, have you decided what you wanted to tell me? That I should know?”
“I’ll add persistent to my impressions of you,” Ren said.
“I kinda like that one,” Dani admitted.
Ren laughed, making Dani want to tease her some more.
“Misdirection won’t work,” Dani said. “I won’t forget.”
“No,” Ren said quietly, her expression so intense Dani held her breath. That kind of intense scrutiny was rare—and unexpectedly exciting.
A server dropped off two sweating glasses of beer, and Dani muttered an absent thanks, waiting. Watching Ren.
“I…” Ren leaned her chin on her palm, the corner of her mouth dipping down as she seemed to be studying Dani, or simply lost in thought. “People think I’m shy, but I’m not. I’m just not very good at casual conversation.”
She said it all in a rush as if she was afraid if she didn’t get it all out quickly, she wouldn’t say it at all.
“Oh hell, you’re not shy,” Dani said with a smirk. “Anybody who’s been around you more than a few minutes would know that.”
Ren straightened. “Is that what you think?”
“Sure. It’s obvious. You’re not having any trouble talking to me.”
Ren caught her breath. “Oh. Well. You’re different.”
Dani felt the blush. Oh, so uncool. She coughed and sipped the beer, trying to find her game face again. After a few seconds, she realized that was long gone. Ren was totally derailing her. “I am, am I?”
Ren smiled. “Well, you’re really easy to talk to and you’re very interesting and…” Her voice trailed off, and she caught her bottom lip between her teeth. As if wishing she could take the words back.
Dani so did not want her to do that. She couldn’t help the surge of satisfaction. She’d seen Ren looking at her. Looking at her, the way a woman who might be interested would. She liked that. She leaned forward a little and lowered her voice. “And?”
“And I don’t know anything about, you know, anything.”
“That’s a lot of something. Could you be more specific?” Dani stayed leaning forward on her elbows, watching Ren’s eyes. They were really beautiful. Dark, almost black, with little slivers of gold sliding through them. Ren was very easy to look at. And right now, she couldn’t think of anything else she’d rather do.
“And you don’t make me nervous,” Ren said quickly.
Dani felt her eyebrows rise. “Well, I’m glad to hear that. Do most people?”
“As a matter of fact, yes.”
“You’re not that way with patients.”
“Well, that’s different. I know what I’m doing there. I know what they need, and I know that I can give it.”
“And you’re saying in other circumstances you don’t feel that way.”
“I’ve never quite figured out—you know, how to be sociable.”
“I’m not sure there are any rules,” Dani said. “But now you’ve told me something, and I see you better.”
Ren’s eyes widened and her lips parted just a little, and damn if Dani didn’t want to kiss her again. This was crazy. Crazy in a way she’d never experienced, and that she liked a lot.
“Can I ask you a personal question?” Dani said.
“I think we’ve been pretty personal already,” Ren said just a little hesitantly.
“It’s one of those common social questions.”
“Oh, you mean the ones I don’t usually ask?” Ren said.
“Maybe.”
“Okay.”
“Are you seeing anyone, you know girlfriend, boyfriend, fiancé?”
“No,” Ren said and laughed. “What a crazy idea.”
“Why is that crazy?”
“Because I’m not interested in those kinds of things, and even if I was, I don’t have time.”
“You’re not interested,” Dani said slowly. “Like tonight, or this week, or…ever?”
“Well, I don’t know,” Ren said. “I’ve honestly never had time to think about it.”
“How old are you?” Dani asked.
“Why does that matter?” Ren straightened.
A faint bit of heat colored her cheeks, and Dani could almost see the bristles erupting. “I’m just wondering how long you haven’t had time to think about it.”
“I’m twenty-five.”
Dani did some quick mental math. Four years of college, four of med school, four or more for a surgical residency. Even with a few years shaved off in a combo program, the math was off. “Twenty-five. How is it possible that you’re a fifth year now—and after three in the lab?”
“How do you know how long I’ve been in the lab?”
Dani flushed. “Zoey is my housemate. She mentioned it.”
“Oh.” Ren sighed. “This is why I’m not sociable. I always end up explaining, and then…”
“Then what?”
Ren shrugged. “And then people usually disappear.”
“First, unsociable and not socializing are two different things,” Dani said. “You are sociable, you’re just not into socializing.”
“I’m not so sure about the distinction,” Ren muttered. “What’s second? You said first.”
“Second, I’m not disappearing.”
“Oh.” As if not sure what to say, Ren sipped the beer and made a little bit of a face. “Is this a good beer?”
“Yeah, maybe not the best, but a good one.”
“I don’t think I like beer.”
“Is this your first beer?”
“Yes.”
Dani tried and failed to hide her surprise.
“I’ve had wine,” Ren said defensively.
“I don’t think you want that here. Hold on for a second.” Dani signaled the hostess, who threaded her way between the tables.
“Can I get you something?”
“Strawberry margarita, on the rocks with…salt.”
“Sure thing. I’ll pass the word.”
“Thanks.” Dani tilted her chin at Ren. “So, now you’re going to tell me about how you got to where you are now.”
“I am?”
“Uh-huh. It’s one of those things you do when you’re getting to know someone.” Dani rested her elbow on the table and her chin in her hand. “I’ve got all night.”
“No you don’t,” Ren exclaimed, but the tension left her shoulders. “I started high school early, that’s all, and…well, then I started college early too. And then I was in the accelerated medical school program, and after that, you know, it was accelerated.”
“Yeah, I got that, a lot of acceleration. How old were you when you started high school?”
Ren looked away. Dani reached across the table, lightly slid two fingers around Ren’s wrist, and gave her a little shake. “You don’t have to answer. It’s okay. It’s just interesting. Fascinating, really. It must’ve been exciting and hard at the same time.”
“It was exciting,” Ren said quietly. “And I guess, yes, it was hard too.”
“Well, I think it’s pretty amazing.”
“I was eleven,” Ren said quickly, “when I started high school, I mean. I finished in three years, and then everything just went faster after that.”
“Well. Okay. You were a superstar.”
“I’m not sure what defines that, but I’m pretty sure it isn’t me,” Ren said. “I just have a quick brain.”
Dani laughed. “That goes without saying. Oh, here comes your margarita. Let me know if you like it better than the beer.”
Ren took the glass and sipped. She caught her breath and looked at Dani. “That’s really good.”
“Yes,” Dani said, grinning. “Success.”
After they ordered, Ren said, “So, it’s your turn.”
“For what?”
“To do the social thing. When did you know you wanted to be a doctor?”
“I was seven.”
Ren didn’t act as if that was at all unusual.
“Okay. When did you know you wanted to be a surgeon?”
“First year medical school. You?”
“I was twelve.”
“Of course you were.”
“No, you see, I’d just read a biography of Dr. DeBakey and the first heart transplants, and it was so incredible, so fascinating, that I knew right then that I wanted to be a cardiothoracic surgeon.”
“You were twelve.”
“Well, yes.”
Dani grinned. “Are your parents doctors?”
“No, my father’s on Wall Street and my mother wasn’t around—divorced. My older sister is, though. She’s a trauma surgeon in New York City.”
“No kidding. Cool.”
“Are your family doctors?”
Dani winced before she could stop herself. “No. They’re all scientists at Cal Tech.”
“Really. All of them?”
“Mother, father, sister, brother.”
Ren studied Dani for a second. “Veronica Chan?”
Dani blew out a breath and nodded. “My mother.”
“Wow. That’s…your mother is a Nobel laureate. That must be…What is it like?”
“Complicated.”
Ren must’ve heard something in her voice, because she didn’t ask anything else. Dani steered the conversation away from the personal. She’d already told Ren more about herself in an hour than she told Syd the whole first year they’d roomed together. She still hadn’t let Zoey know some of the things that she struggled with. If this was a date, and she wasn’t sure that it was, she absolutely never revealed these things on a first date. Or second. Or on the rare occasions there was a third, even then. She didn’t even know how this had happened.
“I should get back,” Ren said when they’d finished eating. “I really do have some work I need to get done in the lab.”
“I don’t think I can face those charts tonight,” Dani said, “but I’ll walk back with you.”
“You don’t have to,” Ren said.
“I want to. Besides, it’s on my way.”
“Okay. If you’re sure.”
“Never surer.”
At the hospital, Ren said, “Thanks for taking me there. I’ve never been, and it was really good.” She hesitated. “And I had a really good time.”
“Me too.” Dani turned and walked backward a little bit as Ren stopped on the brick walkway to the lab. “We should do it again sometime.”
“Oh,” Ren said, as if surprised by the idea. “Okay. Yes. We could do that.”
“Good. Friday?”
“What about Friday?” Ren called.
“Friday, again.”
“Oh,” Ren said, sounding even more surprised. Dani kept walking backward, watching Ren. Her heart pounded in a weirdly exciting way.
“All right. Yes. Friday.”
“I’ll find you.” Satisfied, and something more she couldn’t quite define, Dani turned for home.