Toby

Joey Olson approached and stated his business. He wanted a Minnie Minoso card.

I said, “So do a lot of people.”

“Okay but look what I got for ya.” He started coming up the steps.

“Stay,” I told him.

He stepped back down.

“Continue.”

He said he’d give me a Jim Landis, a Don Schwall, and a Hector Lopez.

That was pretty funny and I laughed.

He added Wayne Terwilliger.

I sighed like I was tired, very tired.

He offered up some more nobodies I already had.

I told him I might sell him a Minoso.

He said he’d give me thirty-five cents.

More humor.

He made it forty.

I told him to come back when he was ready to get serious.

He said he was serious.

I told him to get off my property.

Forty cents for a Minoso. Who’s he think he’s dealing with?

Minnie Minoso is a colored guy but he’s probably the most popular player on the White Sox. I don’t know why, I don’t follow baseball. All I know is, guys are always wanting to get their hands on a Minoso. So there’s no way I’m selling one for less than a dollar and a half, at least for now.

Next year, who knows?

Look at Roger Maris. Before last year I couldn’t get more than a quarter for him but after he beat Babe Ruth’s record I had a nice little bidding war going on. This one kid even offered me his dog. I hate dogs. I had three Maris cards to work with and I ended up with six dollars and fifty cents, a Swiss army knife and that dime-store turtle I mentioned.

I named him Timmy. I thought maybe I could put together a little show, you know? Set up a tent, charge admission: Toby Tyler and His Turtle Timmy. But I couldn’t train that stupid turtle to do anything, even roll over, even when I put him on his back—he would just kick his legs around and stretch out his neck, looking at me with this sad little ugly face: Why, Toby? Why?

I ended up trading him to this kid Phil Burlson for that paperback I told you about, Shameless Lady. Ever read it? It’s about this lady named Ramona who’s totally shameless, if you know what I mean. There’s this one part, she’s in a hotel room completely naked with two completely naked Mexican guys, Juan and Pedro, except she doesn’t know which is which. And here’s the thing: she doesn’t even care.

That got to me.

She doesn’t...even...care.