April 16
Re Ted: you have accepted his being; you were desperate for this and you know what you must pay: utter vigilance in Cambridge (rumor will be legion, but there must be no proof; never drink, keep calm); loss of Richard and whistling void in guts when he leaves you with memory of his big iron violent virile body, incredible tendernesses & rich voice which makes poems & quirked people & music. Knowledge of his utter big luck & power & blast by it as he goes on, beyond – the first to keep on beyond – to hundreds of other women, other poems – “I can make more love the more I make love.” If Richard’s tenderness & virility & aesthetic rapport made you despair of going & finding one after him, you will never find a huge derrick-striding Ted with poems & richness – he makes you feel small, too-secure: he is not tender and has no love for you. Only a body – a girl-poet, an interlude – Consider yourself lucky to have been stabbed by him; never complain or be bitter or ask for more than normal human consideration as an integrated being. Let him go. Have the guts. Make him happy: cook, play, read, but don’t loose others – work for Krook, Varsity & home – keep other cups & flagons full – never accuse or nag – let him run, reap, rip – and glory in the temporary sun of his ruthless force –