“What did you want to talk about the other day? When we ran into each other at the Pink Bean?” Amelia asked as soon as they had finished exchanging pleasantries. She looked different—better. Her cheeks were a touch rosier and her eyes had more light than shadow to them.
Jill swallowed hard. She had made the call to Dr. Jennifer Scarpa and wrangled a favor she’d have to repay in the future. However, Jennifer would only be able to take on Amelia as a new client as of next month. Because Jill didn’t want to interrupt Amelia’s therapy for too long, especially now she seemed to be benefitting from it, she had decided to wait to tell her.
“I’m sorry about that. It was nothing important,” Jill said.
“That’s not how it came across. It was a bit weird, actually.”
“I understand that. It was entirely my fault. Do you think we can sweep it under the rug and forget it ever happened?”
Amelia frowned. “Isn’t that exactly what you’re not supposed to do in therapy?”
Jill half-chuckled. “Touché” Could this woman get any more delightful? Jill was just getting herself into more and more trouble as the minutes ticked by. “And, yes, of course, you’re right.” She smiled apologetically. “But it was really nothing. I promise you.” She dipped her chin slightly, as though that would make what she was saying somehow truer. “Would you like to tell me about your week?”
While Amelia didn’t look totally convinced, she went on to tell Jill about how nice her walk had been the day they’d run into each other.
“I also somehow seem to have gotten myself back into babysitting duty for my godson and his little sister.”
“Does it feel like a duty? Like something you need to do?”
“Yes and no.” Amelia looked behind Jill, studying the painting on the wall. “I always used to babysit for them, and I’ve never minded doing it. It’s not like I did it every week. Maybe twice a month. I always figured it was a win-win situation because I got to spend time with the kids and it gave my friends Dawn and Cindy a much-needed break. But after I had my, well, I guess we can call it a breakdown, I took time-out from my godmother duties. Whereas Dawn and Cindy, they never get to take a time-out. It just made me feel over-privileged again, which, in turn, made me feel guilty.”
Amelia stifled a sigh, then continued.
“When I offered to babysit, I hadn’t thought it through at all. I offered because I could sense that Dawn really needed it and because I want to do something nice for her. She’s really been there for me. I cried on her shoulder so many times, while Cindy was home alone with the kids. So, the way I see it, it’s the least I can do, but it also makes me nervous, while it never used to faze me before.”
“Why do you think you’re so nervous about it?” Jill took a page from Amelia’s book and stared at the bronze sculpture to Amelia’s left. It was either avert her gaze or get totally lost in her broody eyes again.
“Because it makes me wonder if I’m ready. If I’m not pushing myself for the sake of pushing myself. You said this was going to take time and now I’m wondering if a subconscious part of me is rebelling against that by doing something I might not have enough stamina for. These are not kids you can ask to occupy themselves, if you know what I mean.”
Jill couldn’t help but look now. Amelia’s lips were drawn into that half-smile again. She nodded and hoped that would be enough for Amelia to continue. She was also completely and utterly aware that she was being the most inadequate therapist ever. Amelia didn’t say anything else. She required a prompt from Jill.
“Have you thought about what you want to do with them?” Jill asked.
“I might take them to the zoo.”
Did Amelia just roll her eyes. Jill was jolted right back into good-therapist mode. Was it because of her?
“I have grown opposed to keeping animals in captivity. Just as I seem to have grown opposed to a great many other things that I never used to consider. But kids love going to the zoo. In my current state of mind, it’s easier to take the kids to the zoo rather than to the playground or entertaining them at home and inventing games for them to play all afternoon. But yeah, I find myself checking my privilege all the time and at the same time I get so exhausted with myself for doing so.”
Phew. Amelia was exasperated with herself. Not that this was a good thing, but at least it wasn’t Jill’s fault.
“Maybe Dawn was right,” Amelia said on a sigh. “Maybe I do need to start dating again. Maybe it’s the same as with babysitting. Maybe I just need to give myself a push, but…” She grew silent.
Jill still had enough sense to recognize this as a fruitful lull in conversation. Amelia was building toward something. Her brain was making the necessary connections. “You know how I talked about dating myself and self-love and all of that…”
Jill nodded, her gaze firmly fixed on Amelia now.
“For months now, I haven’t been able to, um, perform the ultimate act of self-love.” She raised her eyebrows. “You know.”
Oh, fucking fuck. This was very quickly becoming too much for Jill. The image Amelia’s words suddenly evoked was simply too much to handle. “You mean, um, masturbation.” She could barely get the word past her lips. Her voice had even croaked a little. This was absolutely no way for a doctor to behave.
“It is okay to talk about that?” Amelia brushed her hair away from her shoulders, baring the pale, elegant length of her neck.
“Um, yes… of course.” Jill needed to regroup, but she didn’t know how. Her clients often talked about masturbation, of course, and she had no problem remaining cool and professional. But listening to Amelia talk about touching herself had her rattled. She could only hope her cheeks wouldn’t flush bright pink. “This is a safe space. You can talk to me about anything.” At least the last part had come out believable.
“I can’t bring myself to climax. Not that that should stop me from going on a date.” Amelia giggled almost shyly. “But my thinking is if I can’t even do that, if I can’t give myself that kind of joy, what chance do I have of enjoying a date with another person? In the scheme of things? Isn’t it a massive hint that I’m not ready?”
Jill shuffled around in her chair. She glanced at the clock. They still had more than twenty minutes together. Should she excuse herself? But how would that look if she did so now, after what Amelia had just told her? “Not, um, necessarily. Maybe, um, a… date is what you need,” Jill stammered. She couldn’t think straight, let alone ask a poignant question to steer further conversation.
“Jill?” Amelia leaned forward. “Are you okay?” She pushed herself out of her chair and started toward Jill. “You don’t look okay.” She stopped halfway between their chairs. “Is this a medical emergency?”
“No, no,” Jill managed to say. “I might have had something dodgy for lunch, but it’s definitely not an emergency.”
Amelia took a step back.
Thank goodness. “I’m so very sorry. Could you excuse me for just a few minutes?” Without casting another glance at Amelia, mainly for fear of what it might do to her, Jill hurried out of her office and hid inside the bathroom.
Before she was able to face her reflection in the mirror, she took a deep breath. A deep pink blush ran all the way from her neck to her hairline. How utterly mortifying. But that wasn’t the worst of it. Jill was being unprofessional in the most inexcusable way.
She splashed some cold water on her face, hoping it would cool down her skin, which looked like she’d been out in the afternoon sunshine without sunscreen for hours. What was next? Breaking out in hives? Maybe this was a medical emergency, after all. Maybe Jill’s purely physical reaction to Amelia was so fierce that—
“Stop it,” she told her reflection. She ran a hand through her hair, tucked a few strands behind her ears. “Get a grip.” It was easy enough to say. And Jill really needed to hear it. But she still had to go back in there. She still had to face Amelia.
Why had she ignored her own and Vic’s advice? But this wasn’t a matter of simply following advice. There was something special in the air whenever she was with Amelia. She felt it shimmer between them. Yes, it made her act foolishly and impulsively, but it also made her feel alive. It might be unethical, but, so far, it had proven impossible for Jill to give up her sessions with Amelia.
She could disturb Patrick’s session and ask him to apologize profusely to Amelia and send her home, but that would just delay the problem. And she’d have to answer to Patrick. Interrupting a session was only permissible in an actual emergency situation. The only thing in acute distress was Jill’s heart—and, perhaps, her ego. And maybe some other body parts as well.
She stared into her own blue eyes. “This. Is. Ridiculous,” she told herself. Wasn’t that part of the very definition of a crush on another person, though? She took another deep breath and went back to her office.