Amelia’s brain might not be in optimal shape, but she knew something was going on. First, there was Jill’s refusal to address her bizarre behavior of a few days earlier. And now this? Just as Amelia was talking about something so delicate—something not very easy to discuss.
She couldn’t help but question her psychiatrist’s sanity, which wasn’t really something she was prepared to worry about. Perhaps it sounded cold, but whatever was going on with Jill, wasn’t Amelia’s problem. She came here to get better, not to get sucked into another person’s issues.
But still, when Jill walked back in, Amelia couldn’t help but feel concern. A few drops of water lingered on Jill’s upper lip, but she looked more composed than before.
“Obviously, I won’t charge you for this session,” Jill said, her voice a little unsteady.
“Do you want to continue or should I leave?” Amelia asked.
Jill heaved a sigh. “Stay, please. We should talk.”
“That’s what I’m here for.” For the first time, Amelia wondered if her trust in Jill was misplaced. Jill’s erratic behavior was a bit unnerving.
“I don’t really know how to say this.” Jill fidgeted with the sleeve of her blouse.
Amelia took another good look at Jill. She might look more composed than before, but she still seemed out of sorts. She let the researcher in her take over and regarded the situation from a scientific point of view. Jill had behaved weirdly when she’d run into her. Jill had acted all coy and evasive when Amelia asked her about it. Jill, then, got completely flustered when Amelia admitted to failing to get herself off. Whatever Jill was about to say next, if she could ever get the words past her throat, should be very interesting indeed. At the very least, Amelia’s powers of deduction were coming back to life. Her brain was waking up. Although, surprisingly, that wasn’t the most exhilarating sensation coursing through her.
“I owe you a massive apology, Amelia. I’ve been profoundly unprofessional.”
Amelia waited.
Jill only managed to look her in the eye for a brief moment.
“This is extremely embarrassing to admit, but, um…” She rubbed a finger over her chin. “I have inappropriate feelings for you. For that reason, I should no longer be your therapist.”
Fucking hell. Suspecting it was one thing, hearing Jill say it out loud was something else entirely. “Inappropriate?” was all Amelia could mutter.
“I shouldn’t have feelings for you at all, except for wanting the best for you. I’ve spoken to a colleague, an excellent psychiatrist. She has agreed to take you on as a client, although she only has an opening for you next month.”
“Wait. You’re saying that I need to get a new therapist?”
Jill nodded.
Amelia guessed that asking if Jill couldn’t just get over it was not the best thing to say next. She huffed out some air.
“I’m sorry,” Jill said. “You didn’t ask for this and I know it’s a nuisance.” Jill rubbed her palms on her jeans. “Oh, fuck, this is so humiliating.” She buried her face in her hands. “My professional pride has just plummeted way below zero.”
“But Jill, you’re such a good therapist. I was feeling better already and I’ve only been here twice.”
“Thank you. That’s lovely of you to say, but…”
“I know this is very selfish of me, but is it really necessary for you to stop seeing me? I really don’t feel like starting over. What if I don’t like this other psychiatrist and I need to find another one and the cycle goes on and on…” Amelia puffed up her cheeks. She knew it was very self-centered, but she had believed that therapy was one of the very few times that she could be exactly that. This was supposed to be all about her. That was the whole point.
Jill half-chuckled. “It wouldn’t be in your best interest.”
“I disagree.” Amelia looked Jill in the eye, hoping to learn the truth. “Or would it be too hard for you?”
“It would be a challenge.” Jill held her gaze. “We’d both be constantly second-guessing my motives. And it would just be ethically wrong.”
“But aren’t you trained for situations like this?” Amelia had a little trouble averting her gaze. Was this amusing her? It was a boost to Amelia’s self-esteem. “Look, I promise you, once you get to know me better, whatever feelings you have for me will quickly evaporate.” Amelia was only half-joking.
Jill sunk her teeth into her bottom lip. She didn’t say anything.
“Maybe we can try?” Amelia wasn’t sure why she was pushing for this. She most definitely didn’t feel like seeing another therapist, but she also felt for Jill, who had found the courage to confess her feelings. Amelia was bright enough to know how this complicated the already complex relationship between therapist and client. “Or maybe you just need a bit of time?”
“I would be committing a grave professional error. I would be risking my career and reputation.”
“Why? You wouldn’t be doing anything differently.”
“To put it very simply: it’s just not right.” Jill swallowed visibly.
“It’s not that I don’t understand, but, um… yeah.”
“I know. I’m sorry. It’s hard for you. You didn’t ask for this. It’s unfair in many ways, but it’s how it is. For what it’s worth, I think you will like Dr. Scarpa. She’s highly capable and has helped many clients who have suffered from burnout. I wouldn’t send you to her if I wasn’t certain you would get excellent care.”
“I guess I have no choice.” Amelia narrowed her eyes. Her time with Jill was almost up so this might be her only chance to indulge her curiosity. “Before I leave, may I ask what type of ‘inappropriate feelings’ you have for me?”
“You may ask…” Jill flicked the tip of her tongue over her lips. “We’re officially off the clock. Whatever’s said next, is not part of any therapy session. Okay?”
“Sure.” Amelia really wanted to hear what Jill was going to say next. “You’re no longer my therapist.” This was getting very surreal. And what was up with all these women—first Sophia and now her therapist—with their feelings for her? Did the dark cloud she’d been living under make her look extra attractive in some twisted way?
“I know you can’t see it now, Amelia, because of how you feel, and that’s completely normal.” Jill’s voice was dead serious. “But that doesn’t mean that I don’t see the passion you have for so many things trying to find a way out. It might all be a bit hazy right now. You don’t really have a clear idea of what to do yet, or how to get yourself going again. But I have full faith that you will. It’s as if I can look into that future where you’ve put yourself together again, and I can see who you will be. If that makes any sense at all.”
First, Amelia was stunned by what she’d just heard. Then, she felt moved. Something behind her eyes twitched. If an accomplished, albeit slightly discombobulated woman like Jill believed in her so easily, surely Amelia could find that belief in herself again? “That’s so kind of you to say.”
“Sometimes, we have to imagine our future self in order to become her.”
Something twisted inside Amelia. She would really miss not having Jill in her life. “Did you, um, have any plans for asking me out?” she blurted out.
“I wish I could, but I’m afraid that won’t be possible either.”
“What if I ask you?”
Jill painted on a grin but didn’t immediately reply.
“Would you say no?” Amelia pushed.
“I would, because, again, it simply wouldn’t be right. There are very clear guidelines about that. Therapists should never date their clients. The conflict of interest is always too big.”
“You only had me as a client for two sessions. We barely scratched the surface.”
“That might be so, but… that doesn’t magically make it right. You came to me for help. For me to offer anything else, would be highly inappropriate.”
“What if I run into you in a coffee shop, like the other day? Would you not sit with me?”
Jill shook her head lightly. “Why are you asking me this?”
“I don’t know. I just… I’m genuinely sad about this. I looked forward to coming here. To seeing you. Maybe I’ll miss you.”
“I understand that completely. The transition might be a little rough, but I can brief Dr. Scarpa, so it doesn’t feel like you’re starting from scratch.”
“I need to meet her first. See how it goes.” Amelia allowed herself one last question. “Are you going to miss me?”
“What do you think?” Jill shot her a look so withering, Amelia felt the sheer heat of it course up her spine.
“Maybe we’ll meet again someday.” Amelia rose. She glanced around Jill’s office one last time. “I hope, um…” She didn’t really know how to say her final goodbye. She could hardly wish that Jill would forget about her and move on from her crush.
“What you said earlier.” Jill stood as well. “About me getting over my feelings for you quickly once I got to know you better…”
“Hm.” When they were upright, Amelia had to glance down to meet Jill’s gaze.
“I don’t believe that for one second,” Jill said. “On the contrary.”
Amelia couldn’t help but wonder what might have happened if she had met Jill under different circumstances. Back in the day—was it years ago?—when Amelia still frequently dated, she might have been attracted to a woman like Jill. Maybe for that reason, out of an instinct that she used to have and enjoy, Amelia reached out her hand.
She glanced at it, hovering in the air between them. Then, Jill, too, extended her hand, and ever so briefly, their fingers met.