After her last client had left, Jill waited for Patrick. Although no part of her felt like doing so, she had to tell her colleague what had happened with Amelia.
Jill looked at her hand, at the fingers that had touched Amelia’s. She could still feel the sizzle the touch had sparked across her skin.
When Patrick entered the small kitchen, Jill made him an inadequate espresso, at least compared to the coffee next door, and humiliated herself further by telling her partner in the practice why she’d had to let go of her newest client.
“I must admit, Jill, I can only admire your professionalism,” Patrick said after Jill was done talking. “I can’t sit here, look you in the eye, and swear I would have done the same.”
“Really?”
“Maybe it’s different for me. I don’t know. I consider myself a pretty conscientious guy, but if you were to ask me if I’ve ever had feelings for a client, I could only say yes. It happens. We’re only human.”
“There’s feelings and then there’s feelings,” Jill said. She hadn’t confided in Patrick how she’d had a meltdown in her office earlier. She thought it better to keep that tidbit to herself.
“But you only saw her for two sessions,” Patrick said.
Jill nodded. “It was more than enough to know.”
“What are you going to do now?” Patrick rubbed the stubble on his chin. “Are you going to see her privately?”
“No, of course not.” Jill glanced at her colleague. Why would he even ask? He knew it was against every rule in the book.
“Why not? You’ve already done the right thing.” Patrick sounded as though Jill had only referred Amelia on so she could date her. Clearly, he needed further explanations.
“The reason I’m telling you this is because… I don’t know her all that well. Yes, I’m utterly smitten with her after two hours in her company, but, she’s still fragile. I can’t predict whether she might be litigious. Or something might happen to her in the future, in her further therapy, that makes her turn against me. I’m also not asking you for any kind of permission here, Pat.”
Patrick shrugged. “You don’t need my permission for anything, but… you should hear yourself. You’re coming at this from an angle of fear. ‘She might be litigious?’ Come on now, Jill. As I said, you’ve already done the right thing.”
“I strongly disagree.” Was this the difference between a male and a female therapist? Jill inwardly scolded herself for even wondering.
“I know you probably think you need to hold yourself to a higher standard than most. In some cases, you definitely do, because that’s what’s required of us. In this case, however, there are many arguments for just being a mere mortal.” He smoothed a wrinkle on his shirtsleeve. “I’m not your therapist, but I am your friend and co-worker, and I have to call it as I see it. I’m getting a most distinct whiff of fear.” He narrowed his gaze. “Maybe that’s one of the reasons you’ve fallen for her so quickly, because she would always be unattainable. Because you’ve already convinced yourself you could never be with her.”
Jill scoffed. “No.” Jill knew very well why she had the hots for Amelia. Her own fear was not part of that particularly heady mixture. “No way, Pat. I have to follow my own rules. I would absolutely love to ask her out.” The memory of Amelia asking her out, although purely hypothetically, only a few hours prior, sent a fresh jolt of fire through Jill’s veins. “But fraternizing with former clients is not something I do.” Oops. If ever there was a flagrant lie. Jill had spent a lovely time with Hera and Kat only a few days ago. “Actually, scrap that.” She shook her head. “Vic agreed with my course of action, though.”
“You invoke ‘the rules’, Jill, but the truth is that there are no clear-cut rules for this. It’s always going to be a gray area.”
“What are you talking about? Of course there are rules and they couldn’t be clearer. There’s nothing murky or gray about them.”
“How about this.” Patrick leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees. “Let’s meet again in a few days. Let’s have the same conversation after we’ve both slept on this for a few nights. We’ll take it from there.” He rested his kind, brown gaze on Jill. “But promise me you won’t beat yourself up over this too much. I appreciate you telling me, even though you didn’t have to. I’m talking to you as a friend here and not as your business partner. Be kind to yourself, Jill. I know that breaking up with Rasmus wasn’t as painless as you’ve made it out to be. I know it hurt you that he went back to Sweden.”
Why was Patrick talking about Rasmus now? This had nothing to do with Jill’s ex. She barely even thought of him these days. Maybe because her mind was so firmly on Amelia. A sadness pierced through her at the thought of never seeing her again. But just as she had done with Rasmus, Jill would get past it. After all, she’d only spent a few hours in Amelia’s company. She’d spent years with Rasmus. It wasn’t even comparable. Jill just needed to gain some perspective. What she didn’t need was Patrick, in any way, shape, or form, encouraging her to go out with Amelia. What was he thinking? The mere mention of it was utterly reckless.
Jill waved off Patrick’s comment about Rasmus. She appreciated his kindness, and she could see where his suggestion to step away from the situation for a few days came from, but she didn’t agree with any of the other things he had said. But at least she had told him. That was all that could be expected from her.
“How’s Miriam?” she asked. “We should get together soon. It’s been too long.”
“Have I told you that she wants to go back to school? She wants to get a sociology degree.”
“Great idea.”
“I told her that getting laid off, painful though it was at the time, might be the best thing that happened to her.” Patrick rose. “Speaking of, if it’s okay with you, I might call it a day and get home to my wife.”
“Give her my best and tell her I’ll hopefully see her soon.”
Patrick rinsed their cups and put them in the small dishwasher they had agreed on purchasing for the office, after it was evident neither one of them was very good at washing dirty coffee cups.
Jill stayed in the kitchen a while longer, pondering her day. It wasn’t just that it wasn’t ethical to ask Amelia out. What was even more crucial was that Amelia, by her own admittance, wasn’t ready to date. She had told Jill today. It was what had directly led to Jill losing it. Yet another reason why Jill could never face Amelia again. The shame of going to pieces right in front of her, as she talked about something so intimate, was still at the forefront of her mind. Jill had to shake it off now—and she was determined to try—but it would be a while before she was fully back to her former self again.