The occasion was not the right time to let Sophia down gently. Amelia had tried to steer the conversation in that direction, but during the break, they’d been interrupted by teammates and then there was the small matter of Jill’s gaze burning a hole in the back of Amelia’s head.
By the time the choir’s performance had ended and people at the various tables dispersed, Amelia found her priority was no longer convincing Sophia that they shouldn’t go on a date. After their short chat earlier, Amelia found herself wanting to talk to Jill again. It was fairly clear that Jill had not gotten over her ‘inappropriate feelings’ for Amelia in the week they hadn’t seen each other. Of course, Amelia asked herself whether she merely wanted to bask in Jill’s blind adoration—because that was all it could possibly be, in the end. It was clear to her that the answer was yes. For a woman in her condition, worn down by life and society’s demands, a bit of blind adoration from someone like Jill went a hell of a long way.
Moreover, Jill was an attractive, intelligent woman, who’d had the courage and the wherewithal to tell Amelia she had feelings for her, which spoke to her character and the rules she lived by. Amelia liked people who lived by an internal code. She admired them, because she knew how tiring it could be to take a stand in this day and age.
So, she made her excuses to Sophia and went to find Jill, who was at the counter, ordering a drink. When their eyes met, Jill pointed at the glass of wine she’d just received, then she gestured at Amelia, who responded with a nod. She might as well. It wasn’t as if she had to go to work in the morning. By the time she made it past a throng of white-bloused choir members, Jill was waiting for her with a drink in either hand. Amelia eagerly accepted one.
“Shall we talk over there?” Jill nodded at a table in the corner, away from the crowd. “The second act was perhaps a touch better than the first,” Jill said, once they’d sat.
Amelia smiled at her and took the opportunity to let her gaze linger on Jill’s face. In this light, her eyes were a blueish gray. “Thanks for staying.”
Jill chuckled. “I was hardly going to say no.”
“Does it, um, feel like you’re skirting a very thin line?” Maybe Amelia felt emboldened by having just looked deep into Jill’s eyes. “To sit here with me, I mean?”
“I enjoy your company. I think you know that.”
“I’m very flattered by that, because I really haven’t been the best company lately. Ask any of the women of that rather rowdy soccer team over there.” She nodded at a group of her teammates.
“That’s surely just the impression you have of yourself. Your new teammate wouldn’t be all over you if it were actually true,” Jill said. “I could so easily see it when I watched her interact with you. She really likes you.”
“True.” Amelia wished she could go back to the time when another woman’s interest in her didn’t surprise her so much—a time when the discrepancy between what she felt and reality didn’t seem so vast.
“At the risk of making even more of a fool of myself than I already have,” Jill said, “I totally understand where Sophia is coming from.” She sunk her teeth into her bottom lip—maybe to keep herself from bursting into a nervous grin?
“What are you trying to say?” At least, Amelia was amused by all of this. She was feeling something. She was glad she’d dragged herself out. Or was she so happy because she’d bumped into Jill? Why had she asked her to stay after the choir had finished, anyway? And was that even fair on Jill? Nothing was clear-cut here, while this was a time when Amelia needed things to be very defined—just so she could feel as though she wasn’t losing control again. But, whereas Sophia hitting on her grated on her nerves, when Jill did, in her own, hesitant-but-here-I-am way, it made Amelia feel like she yearned to lose a bit of control. Probably because Jill had been her therapist, Amelia felt a modicum of safety when she was with her. After all, Jill had let her go as a client, in Amelia’s best interest. “That I now have two women interested in me and I should get over myself already?” Amelia’s joke muscle hadn’t had much of a workout during the past year and her would-be joke landed more as a callous accusation.
Jill shook her head. “Of course not.”
Amelia held up her hand in apology. “I’m sorry. That came out all wrong. It’s not what I meant to say. It’s just that, even though I’ve been feeling better, especially during these past few weeks, I still say these… harsh things, while it’s not my intention. Like my tongue is playing tricks on me and deliberately translates my thoughts and ideas wrongly.” That definitely didn’t make any sense, but at least Jill was highly trained. Maybe she could decipher it.
“Hey.” She offered a soft smile. “You don’t have to explain yourself to me. Not anymore.” She brought a hand to her chest. “I’m the one who should apologize for saying what I did. I’m also out of practice when it comes to flirting or maybe I’m so bad at it because I know damn well that I shouldn’t be flirting with you in the first place.” She drummed her fingertips on the table. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m the one who asked you to stay, though,” Amelia said.
Jill opened her mouth, but then tightened her lips as though she’d changed her mind about saying what she was about to say.
“What were you going to say just now?” Amelia asked. Jill might feel as though she shouldn’t be flirting, but Amelia was enjoying it, and she didn’t mind flirting back a little. She wouldn’t mind leaning into the sensation of simply feeling a bit more.
“Something I really, really shouldn’t.”
“For that reason, I think you should, and I’ll tell you why, Jill.” Amelia took a quick sip of wine and leaned her elbows on the table between them. “I have no information about you, apart from your confession that you have feelings for me. That’s all I know about you. Because of how we met, so this is not your fault, but maybe this is an opportunity to give me another glimpse inside that head of yours…”
Jill laughed heartily. “Are you sure that’s what you want?” she asked.
“It’s impossible for me to know because I have no idea what you’re going to say, but you sure did make it sound intriguing.” Oh yes, this was all-out flirting. Advanced. Off the scale. A sense of vitality—much more than merely feeling something—brimmed inside Amelia.
“I was going to ask you if you wanted to go next door, where it’s quieter.”
“To your office?” A spark of something else, something she didn’t dare examine further in that moment, lit up inside Amelia.
Jill nodded. Amelia could see her swallow slowly, as though her throat had suddenly gone bone-dry.
Amelia chewed the inside of her cheek for a second, while she contemplated Jill’s question. But maybe the time to stop overthinking every last little thing had finally arrived. “Are you still asking? Because if so, my answer is yes.”