Jill’s hand throbbed, but it was easy enough to ignore. She tried to keep her gaze off Amelia’s backside as she unlocked the door to her condo. Although it was late, the day was not done yet unfolding its events. She was about to enter Amelia’s home—the place that could teach you so much about another person.
Before she held open the door, Amelia said, “It will soon become clear that I haven’t really thought this through. I hope you’re good at ignoring a right old mess. I wasn’t expecting company.”
I will only have eyes for you, Jill thought, but even though they’d been flirting, that was way over the corniness limit to actually say. “Don’t worry about it.”
Amelia led the way inside. She flicked on the lights and dumped her keys in a shell-shaped bowl by the door.
Jill had been expecting near-pandemonium-like levels of disarray, but there were just a few items of clothing draped over the back of a chair and, as far as she could see, some dirty dishes on the kitchen counter.
“What tickles your fancy?” Amelia headed straight for the drinks cabinet next to a giant television.
“What are you having?” Jill asked.
“I think I’ll have a brandy.”
“I’ll have the same then.”
“Coming right up. Do sit. Or have a look around, if you feel so inclined. But if you do, be aware that I might quiz you after about what you’ve learned about me.” Amelia’s lips lifted into that million-dollar smile again. She brushed a strand of hair from her cheek.
Jill opted to sit instead of snoop. She hoped it would calm the furious beating of her heart. She was still processing that Amelia had tried to kiss her—and that Jill had, for some baffling reason she couldn’t even remember, chosen not to kiss her back. Even though she’d been dreaming of nothing else but feeling those lovely lips against hers for the past few weeks. Still, she couldn’t complain. She was in Amelia’s apartment. There were far worse places to be after dark.
“Here you go.” Amelia placed Jill’s drink carefully on the table in front of her. “I’ll try not to smash this one.” She sat rather close to Jill. “Thanks for taking me home.”
“My pleasure.” Jill reached for the glass with her unbandaged hand. “When I left work, this is the last place I thought I would end up tonight.” She took a sip and the liquor slid hotly down her throat.
“And to think that all I wanted was to stay in, for another quiet night.” Amelia glanced at her over the rim of her glass.
Something had shifted between them and the shift wasn’t subtle. It hung in the air between them, invisible but heavy and glaring, but Jill didn’t know if she should say something about it. Maybe tonight was not for that. Maybe it was just for discovering a bit more about each other and seeing where that could take them, if it took them anywhere at all.
“Same here.” She held up her hand. “Instead, I end up with this.”
“I hope it’s not too sore.” There wasn’t that much concern in Amelia’s voice. Jill heard other undertones: flirtatiousness mixed with… something else. Something she either couldn’t put her finger on just yet or didn’t want to for fear of jinxing it. For fear of finding out that this entire evening had been but a dream and she was about to be rudely awakened.
Jill shook her head. “I know that anything I ask you will sound as though I’m still trying to be your therapist. That’s just how it is. But please know that’s not my intention.” She waited for Amelia to nod. “I am a little worried about that dizzy spell you had earlier.”
“I appreciate your concern, but… I play soccer twice a week. I have regular checkups and blood tests. Physically, I know that I’m fine. Mentally, well, I know that I’m not and that I will need more time.” She drew up the side of her mouth—even when worried, she looked utterly kissable. “That was the main reason for starting therapy.” She interjected with a soft chuckle. “I will continue therapy, by the way. But it’s not just talk therapy that’s helpful. Being out tonight was actually great. Taking Julian and Milly to the zoo last weekend was exhausting but lovely. Just going for a walk gives me a small thrill again, which wasn’t the case a month ago. The rest and the time I’ve taken away from my job have already had an effect on me. Which gives me hope that there’s a definite way out of this.”
“Oh, there is,” Jill said. “I understand it might not have felt like that for a long time, but I assure you that you will find yourself on the other side of this, stronger and, as you say, much more aware of many things. Of what you want to do with your life and what your priorities are.”
Amelia nodded. “I haven’t said this to anyone because it’s quite a recent thought and I wanted to mull it over some more before I voiced it, but I have been thinking about resigning. About not returning to Big Pharma. I feel like they took too much from me. They asked too much. Something in me has changed and going back to that industry, for all the good it can do, is not something I want. I think a few months after returning to my old job I’d be right back where I started, because it wasn’t just the amount of work and stress and pressure that brought me to my knees. It was everything that’s wrapped up in working in the pharmaceutical industry.”
Jill was tired, and the liquor was hitting her quite hard—probably because of the decompression after all that had come before—but she tried to listen carefully. “That’s a big decision.”
“I know.” The liquor seemed to have the opposite effect on Amelia. She seemed more mellow but also much more talkative. Maybe because she was in her home, in her safe space. Or maybe because she was talking to her former therapist outside of her practice. “I’ve no idea of what I would do yet. I’ve always been paid well, but not enough so that I can retire in my mid-forties. Not that I would want to do that. I need to work. I need to feel useful and like I’m contributing to something.”
“You’ll find something that you’re drawn to.” Jill found that most people who wanted to change careers, did when they followed their intuition. Amelia just needed more time to unearth her true desire. To find out where her curiosity, which was still buried underneath the feelings of worthlessness her burnout had heaped on her, would lead her.
“Meanwhile, there’s always soccer.” Amelia shot her a suggestive look. “But don’t worry, I won’t try to recruit you for my team again.”
“From what you told me earlier, a lot more than soccer goes on amongst the Darlinghurst Darlings.”
“Doesn’t it always?” Amelia drank again. With her head tilted slightly back and her milky-white throat on display like that, Jill had to shuffle in her seat to remove some tension from her muscles.
“Dawn likes Sophia?” Jill hoped she had remembered correctly.
“Dawn’s in dire need of a distraction from her life. Having kids adds so much stress. When Sophia joined the team, Dawn just glommed on to that and she started using that as a way to take her mind off what stresses her, which is her day-to-day life.” Amelia paused. “Maybe, for Dawn, her crush on Sophia is her very own mini burnout.”
“Maybe you should become a counselor yourself,” Jill said. “Help people like Dawn while drawing from your own experience.” She wasn’t even kidding. Sydney, like any other big city in the world, suffered a shortage of qualified counsellors, what with mental health issues having been on the rise exponentially for decades now.
Amelia burst into laughter. “I’ve only had two and a half sessions with you.” Naughtiness glinted in her eyes, making Jill very curious about what she was going to say next. “Before I got booted out against my will.”
“Well-deserved remark.” What else could Jill do but laugh at her own expense? Even as a psychiatrist who had trained for years, sometimes, she too could only conclude that laughter was the best medicine. “I happily take it in my stride.”
“You are a good sport, Jill. Then again, I did try to kiss your earlier, so… Maybe we’re both good sports.”
Amelia’s glass was empty. Maybe she was one of those people who only spoke their deepest truths when under the influence—or she was someone who talked the biggest trash in that condition.
“Do we… need to process that more?” Jill asked.
Slowly, Amelia shook her head. “Discuss a kiss that didn’t even happen? Hell no.” She deposited her glass on the coffee table. “Instead, tell me some more about yourself. Why did you and Rasmus split?”
Oh, Christ. Jill was much too tired to tell that story. “It’s not that I don’t want to tell you about Rasmus, but it’s too late. I’m too exhausted to go there right now.”
“Fair enough. So…” Amelia stretched her arm over the backrest of the couch and laid her head against it. “Have you had many relationships with women?”
“A few. Before Rasmus, I was in a relationship with a woman called Gillian for a few years, which was not confusing at all.”
“Jill and Gillian?” Amelia’s body shook as she laughed. “One of the perils of same-sex relationships. What was she like? Gillian?”
“We were together a long time ago,” Jill mused. She hadn’t thought about Gillian in a good long while.
“You’re no longer friends?”
Jill shook her head vehemently. “It didn’t end well.”
“That’s such a funny expression, though, because when a romantic relationship ends, can it actually end well?” Amelia let her head roll forward a bit. “I won’t quiz you about your former relationships any longer.” She pinned her gaze on Jill. “Do you enjoy being single?”
“Enjoy is maybe not the right word. It was good to be on my own for a while after an eleven-year relationship. To truly come back to myself. But, personally, and this is different for everyone, I prefer to be with someone. I prefer the magic of a solid partnership, because I do believe there’s magic in that. So if your question is whether I’m looking… Well, it took me a while to reach this point, but yes, I am…”
“That wasn’t my question, but good to know.” Amelia’s hand had been hanging off the backside of the couch, but she put it on top now.
Like her legs, her arms were long, and her fingers rested close to Jill’s shoulder. To create some distance between them—Jill was starting to feel hot under the collar again—she put her glass down.
“Or maybe it was my question,” Amelia said. “And I have another one.”
“You’re full of them tonight.” Jill’s gaze was drawn to Amelia’s hand.
Amelia sat up straighter and, in the process, her hand dropped onto Jill’s forearm. It can’t have been by accident, because she kept it there, burning against Jill’s skin.
“If I were to try and kiss you again.” Amelia’s voice now sounded like her hand felt against Jill’s skin: smoldering and insistent. “Would you refuse me again?” She slid her fingers underneath Jill’s hand and took it in hers.
Jill’s brain had stopped working. All she felt was Amelia’s skin against hers. The word ‘kiss’ reverberated around the room, bouncing off the walls, worming its way into Jill’s brain. “No,” she managed to squeeze past the tightness in her throat. Not for the life of me. Maybe Amelia was tipsy—or maybe she wasn’t. But she had asked her here. And she had asked the question—in words this time. She knew full well how Jill felt about her. Jill wasn’t going to say no twice. Not only because she didn’t want to, but also because she didn’t have that particular kind of no in her anymore. Every cell in her body screamed a big fat yes.
“I’m glad.” Amelia shuffled closer, until her knee touched Jill’s hip, causing another eruption of fire in her flesh. Amelia sunk her teeth into her bottom lip, making her mouth look even more desirable. “Because, as it turns out, I really do want to kiss you, Jill.”
Jill pressed her thumb against Amelia’s palm. With the back of her other hand, she gently stroked Amelia’s cheek. She gazed deep into her eyes before bridging the last distance between them. Before kissing Amelia.
As her lips touched against Amelia’s, Jill closed her eyes to eliminate all distractions. So all she could feel were those glorious lips she’d been dreaming of since she’d first laid eyes on them, against her own. Jill hadn’t kissed another woman in a very long time and the forgotten softness of it would have brought her to her knees if she hadn’t been sitting. These weren’t just any woman’s lips. These were Amelia’s lips. And this wasn’t a dream. The sensations coursing through her at lightning speed were very real.
Jill cupped Amelia’s jaw, her fingertips resting gently against her porcelain skin, as they opened their lips farther for each other. The tip of Amelia’s tongue skated against Jill’s bottom lip and she eagerly, but still with a modicum of restraint, responded. Jill let her tongue dart into Amelia’s mouth, and as she did, she thought she might just melt into the couch.
When Amelia emitted a low groan, Jill pulled her closer. The kiss intensified. Jill gently sucked on Amelia’s bottom lip. How had she been able to say no to this earlier? Where had she found the strength? From some secret place she would never in her life access again, that was for sure. Now that she had kissed Amelia, she would never be able to say no again. It was everything she had dreamed of and so much more. That lightning strike would not be undone any time soon. It was wreaking havoc inside her flesh right now. Creating irreversible damage. But Jill couldn’t think of any of that. She couldn’t let her mind wonder about what this kiss meant. All she could do was lose herself in it more and more as their tongues explored farther and their lips widened more and their hands delved into each other’s hair. As this kiss very quickly turned into something else. Something more.
Jill could only hope that Amelia wasn’t regretting her decision to do this, because she wouldn’t be ready to stop kissing her any time soon.