“Another coffee?” Patrick’s words were more statement than question.
They made Jill wonder how tired she looked. She hadn’t dared examine her reflection too closely in the mirror that morning. Not that she didn’t want to look her best for her clients, but decades of experience had taught her that how their therapist looked was often the least of her clients’ worries. Jill had noticed it herself when she visited Vic. She didn’t go to Vic’s to know how Vic was doing. That wasn’t the nature of their relationship.
“Yes, please,” she said.
“Rough night?” Patrick asked.
“A late one, followed by a lot of tossing and turning.” Jill had played that kiss over and over in her head. She couldn’t stop thinking about it. She wanted to linger in its memory all day—and for many days to come. What she didn’t want to think about was how abruptly the kiss had been cut off. Although the night had ended on a very hopeful note.
“Here you go.” Patrick deposited a cup of Nespresso in front of her. “Do you have energy for a chat?”
“Sure. What’s up?”
“Not about me.” Patrick smiled his therapist smile—inviting but a touch distant. “I wanted to follow up on what we discussed the other day. About your former client.”
Heat rose from Jill’s chest to her neck. Her blouse, open at the throat, wouldn’t be able to cover her body’s giveaway reaction.
Patrick, being Patrick, kept the same expression on his face and waited for Jill to speak.
“Circumstances have… changed.”
Patrick merely raised an eyebrow.
“Last night, I was with her. I was with Amelia.”
Patrick nodded.
“It wasn’t planned. She was at the coffee shop next door and we started talking and then, we didn’t stop.” And it was just bloody magical. Until it wasn’t. In bed, Jill hadn’t been able to shake the prospect of what might have happened if Amelia hadn’t abruptly stopped their kiss. “We’ve arranged a more formal date for this weekend.”
“So you’ve changed your mind since we last spoke?” Patrick asked.
Jill shuffled around a bit. “Maybe… my mind was changed for me.” What a cop-out. Of course Jill had changed her mind. She’d only look more of a fool if she failed to admit that to her colleague. “I have to ask myself the question.” She paused. “What if I don’t pursue this and I let go of what could be one of the great loves of my life?”
“If she is one of the great loves of your life, you won’t let her go,” Patrick said matter-of-factly. “Sounds to me that’s exactly what you’re doing. You know my view on this. I won’t stand in your way.”
Jill waved off his comment regardless of Patrick’s admission. “Obviously, I don’t know who or what she might become for me. But I feel something when I’m with her. Something so strong, I can’t resist it. She’s gorgeous, yes, for sure, but it’s more than that. If she hadn’t come to therapy… If we’d met in the street or in a bar, I might not have been able to see, and that does bug me, but, in the end, what does it matter how we met?” There was a thought to cling to. Jill was teetering on that knife edge between doubt and acceptance. Maybe all she needed was some time to see the bigger picture—preferably time spent with Amelia.
“Can I ask you something else?” Patrick scratched his stubble.
“Now that you’re at it.”
“Have you heard from Rasmus at all? Do you have any news from him?”
Jill shook her head. She understood where the question came from. Patrick had been a first-hand witness to the hesitant beginning, the glorious middle, and the painful ending of her relationship with Rasmus. They had become friends and Rasmus leaving, although not a surprise, had hit Patrick hard as well.
“Neither have I.” Patrick shook his head. “The first few months, I understood. He had to get his bearings. He probably had a lot to deal with, what with his mother being ill and settling back in. But it’s been more than a year since he left and still… nothing.”
“Have you tried contacting him?” Jill had stopped trying.
“Numerous times. I’ve texted. I’ve emailed. Maybe I should try a handwritten letter next, but I don’t even have his address.”
“With the benefit of hindsight,” Jill said, “I think what happened between him and me might have hurt him much more than he let on and much more than I realized at the time. He didn’t get the outcome he expected—he didn’t get what he’d been promised. By me. He probably doesn’t think too fondly of me, and I can hardly blame him. It could be that he associates you with me and therefore doesn’t want to be in touch with you.”
“Can I be frank with you?” Patrick asked.
What an odd thing to ask, Jill thought. Patrick was a very gentle man, but that didn’t stop him from being outspoken and direct, two qualities she admired in him. She nodded.
“Did you not go to Sweden with him at the last minute because you, um, wanted to be with a woman? With… women in general?”
“No.” Jill almost scoffed. “There was no one else.”
“I’m sorry, Jill. I couldn’t help but wonder because you have feelings for a woman now and…”
Jill cared too much about Patrick to let him talk himself into further trouble. “I’m bisexual, Pat. You know this. I’m attracted to Amelia because of her personality, everything about her, and yes, that includes her physical attributes. Not just because she’s a woman.” Jill couldn’t believe she was having this conversation with her co-worker of fifteen years. She had known Patrick for much longer than that even. They used to work at the same hospital before they set up their private practice together. He’d seen her with women before. He’d met Gillian. “Where is this coming from?”
“I know you’re bi. I don’t need you to explain that to me. But you’re right and I’m sorry. My approach was clumsy. I guess… what I’m really trying to ask is hard to articulate.” He snickered. “Not a great feeling to have when you’re a counselor.”
Jill sympathized, although being a counselor wasn’t so much about finding the right words for yourself. It was about helping the client find them as their previous beliefs about themselves got updated and upgraded. But she knew what Patrick meant. In therapy, when you found that one question that broke the conversation wide open, it could really feel like a eureka moment. Patrick had picked the wrong question. It happened. Just because they were both qualified mental health professionals didn’t make discussing their private lives—their innermost feelings—easy.
Jill was also curious as to what Patrick was actually getting at. She waited for him to find a better way to ask. While she did, her phone buzzed with an incoming message. Elation soared in her at the prospect that it might be from Amelia, but she had to wait. She was in the middle of a conversation. Looking at her phone now would be rude.
“Okay, let me try again.” Patrick shot her a sheepish grin. “Now that Rasmus has been gone for more than a year, do you look back on your breakup differently? Do you think you split for different reasons than the ones you had back then?” He stroked his chin. “Has a new realization about your relationship with Rasmus crystallized over those past thirteen months?”
Patrick sounded as though his anticipated answer to that question was a resounding yes. But the truth was Jill hadn’t really been thinking about Rasmus all that much these past few months—and especially not the past few weeks. What she did know for absolute certain was that she’d made the right choice, although it had been excruciating to follow her instinct at the time. The lateness of her final decision hadn’t been fair on Rasmus. She’d dilly-dallied for too long. Somehow, she had known that it was over between them. At least, a part of her had known, but it had taken too long for her conscious mind to catch up with that information.
“Goodness, Pat. I might actually be too tired to give you a satisfactory answer to that question today.”
“Your answer’s not about satisfying me.”
“Oh, really? Are you ‘shrinking’ me?” Jill grinned.
“God no. I wouldn’t dare.” He pulled his lips into a tight smile. “I’m just genuinely curious. You confessing your feelings for your client made me think about some things.”
“Fair enough.” Jill smiled back. “I may need to address this with Vic when I see her next.”
“You don’t owe me an answer.” Patrick leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees. “And apologies if I came across as a bigot earlier. That was not my intention.”
You wouldn’t be the first nor will you be the last, Jill thought. Being bisexual seemed to throw people off balance. “You’re worried about Rasmus,” Jill said. “If it’s really that important to you, I could try to get in touch with him again.”
“Nah. I wouldn’t ask you to do that for me. If he wants to get in touch with me, he knows where to find me. Clearly, right now, he doesn’t. I have to respect that.” He smiled broadly now. “Thanks for offering.”
They both looked at the clock at the same time.
“My next client will be here soon.” Patrick rose and carried their cups to the sink.
Jill checked her phone. A smile stretched her lips as wide as they would go.
Are you sure you don’t need me to change that bandage?