CHAPTER 7

The Collaboration Mindset

How to Partner in and Across Teams to Achieve Goals

When you consider the challenge of getting smart people to play well with one another, wouldn’t it be much easier to simply avoid teams altogether? I remember talking with one executive who was extremely frustrated by his executive team. At one point he said, “I should just fire them all!”

Clearly that wouldn’t have solved his problem. In order to accomplish the truly remarkable, we invariably need not just a team, but a collection of teams; one person cannot do it alone. And the reality is, it takes an investment of time and effort to develop high-impact teams that collaborate well.

Companies will often tolerate the supercapable technologist who is short on the interpersonal skills needed to partner well with others, especially if he or she has largely solo jobs. Yet in circumstances in which professionals and managers are required to actively work with others, that tolerance seems to be waning. It’s more common to read in the news that a marquee company fired a top person because he or she crossed a line and there was too much collateral damage resulting from extreme lack of judgment regarding unethical or egregious behavior.

If you ask HR leaders, they will tell you that the primary reason executives are terminated is not their lack of technical or business acumen, but their inability to work well with the rest of the team. They may lose their influence, credibility, and ultimately their ability to effectively lead the organization. When that happens, the damage they inflict is too great to tolerate.

Jerry is a senior purchasing professional for a major company. He is responsible for buying the materials that are required to build the products the company sells. He also negotiates the best prices to reduce costs with suppliers. He is good at his job and can attest to numerous wins that show the benefit of his experience. However, he’s interested in getting promoted into management, and his collaboration skills have not been good.

He has periodically worked with others in manufacturing to drive cost-saving initiatives and to help solve quality issues with the products he supports. The feedback from his colleagues has been consistent—he focuses almost exclusively on driving down costs, without any real sensitivity to the overall product’s quality and success. In addition, he doesn’t appreciate that he needs to drive solutions by working with others. He doesn’t seem to care whom he offends or ignores. It seems to come down to putting himself and his needs first; anyone else is a distant second. This is starting to impact his ability to drive results, as people avoid him at all costs.

Isn’t it obvious that Jerry is going to pay a price for this behavior? Maybe not in the short term (depending on Jerry’s team leader), but certainly in the long term. Jerry’s current boss might appreciate his win-at-all-costs approach; however, not having strong relationships will most certainly impact his future prospects within the company. Even if Jerry moves to some unsuspecting company, his lack of collaboration skills will continue to shadow and plague him, possibly throughout his entire career.

This is an example in which providing direct feedback and a “talk it out” discussion with Jerry could not only salvage his reputation, but strengthen his impact on the company and his long-term career prospects. If he got some feedback, took these relationships seriously, and realized that collaboration is a legitimate part of his job, he would invest the time to improve his skills.

Consider all the possible applications of collaboration skills. Certainly in driving alignment, as well as strengthening the empowered relationship between a team leader and a team member, collaboration is central to teams working together to problem-solve, develop solutions, drive execution, and spark innovation.

Collaboration is not merely seeking consensus and cooperating. It entails the hard work of forging ahead, listening to conflicting ideas, problem solving, planning, resolving conflict, fostering inclusion, engaging others, and making decisions. Let’s take a look at the key collaboration skills that I have identified throughout my years of working with the most impactful individuals and teams in the world’s best innovation companies.

COLLABORATION SKILL 1: INCLUDE DIVERSE PERSPECTIVES

There has been much written about the benefits of diversity and inclusion, and for good reason. When a team is too homogenous, with all or most members having similar backgrounds and perspectives, they might think they have developed a truly awesome solution. And they may even believe it was the result of brilliant collaboration. But when they share it with folks outside their narrow background, it blows up. Have you seen that happen?

For example, US companies have had slogans backfire when used in other countries. The consequence can be humorous or catastrophic. Or, in terms of the current gender issues, what do you think happens when an all-male team proposes something that is offensive to women in ways that a group of men simply couldn’t imagine? I heard about a group of young marketeers who developed a brand name for a clothing line for the mature woman with an unnoticed acronym FAT. Really? Did no one think that acronym could be objectionable?

There is also a possibility that certain functions may have narrow perspectives within complex organizations. Corporate roles that serve the company at large may be perceived as having opinions that are too abstract compared with the more laser-like focus of a business unit, or even a function such as manufacturing or logistics.

Beyond categories such as ethnicity, race, gender, country, age, and function, consider thinking styles and personality differences when striving for diversity. Extroverts and introverts both add real value, as do people who inject humor and those who think deep. It takes a collection of diverse members with diverse perspectives to drive creative solutions.

A well-respected CFO I worked with, who was not known for sharing “soft” perspectives, had this mantra: “If you aren’t taking advantage of the full diversity of your team, you’re leaving IQ points on the table.”

Default Toward Fewer People Who All Add Value

Getting diverse perspectives is critical, but when it comes to making decisions or developing a plan, having fewer people, who are all empowered and add value, will strengthen your team. A few decades ago, it seemed that many people thought management included too few people in decisions and there wasn’t enough consensus when decisions were made. Fast-forward to today. Do you think your company tends to include too few, too many, or just the right number of people when making decisions? The majority of people I ask respond with too many, along with trying to achieve too much consensus. The consequence is that the decision making is too cumbersome, too bogged down with too many players, and too slow.

The better companies have adopted cultures that include having the right number and the right people in making plans and decisions (instead of including everyone who has any conceivable interest), and then once a decision is reached, all people collectively execute it to the best of their abilities. As we proceed, you’ll find that rather than consensus being the only decision style worth pursuing, it is one of many. Consensus indeed has its rightful place, for higher-stakes issues with smaller teams of decision makers. But even then, it depends.

We have found that many people view collaboration and seeking consensus as largely synonymous. They really are different, and this section in particular will help clarify that difference. But first, how do you know whom to include when you are responsible for driving a certain decision?

One of my responsibilities while heading up the learning and development function at SGI was to lead a project to overhaul the performance-review system. (This continues to be a topic for improvement in many companies! Interestingly enough, twenty years later, the core concept we adopted—building performance and development conversations into ongoing meetings rather than waiting until year-end—is getting more traction than ever.)

The question back then was whom to include to revamp this major business process. I wanted to include the people who best understood the needs and potential solutions, which in that environment turned out to be HR business partners (those who served the business units and functions around the world) and key managers who were known for their high credibility and leadership insight. We wanted it small enough so we could move fast, yet large enough so that we were incorporating the right insights and engaging the people who would most need to support and drive the outcome. These included a few executive sponsors at the top to help guide and support the final design and implementation.

In the end, we had a group of about fifteen people to develop an enterprise-wide solution. We did a very broad data-collection process to get external trends, and we ensured diversity of thought by including the voices of leaders and employees. From there, we engaged the right people in the design process. Each team member actively participated, shared opinions, and helped shape the final outcome. This allowed us to build a strong coalition of support for the final product. People at large viewed the outcome as a major step forward.

Another example of ensuring the right number and right participation on a team was during my time consulting with a pioneering Silicon Valley company. Our task was to dramatically improve the company’s new-product development process, to enable new products to get developed and to market more quickly. The people included were the heads of engineering (software and hardware), marketing, manufacturing, and quality. We also identified a pilot project team so we could do a proof of concept during our design process. This ensured that our recommendations were grounded in reality, and by including the heads of the functions, we had the champions we needed to scale the solution to the rest of the company. Even the engineers loved it.

What worked well in both of these examples was to keep the team smaller, but with the breadth of representation required. We handpicked the people with the most credibility, so it was an assumed honor to be part of the process. This had tremendous advantage in the outcomes (both the new performance and product development processes) and in the support we received in their implementations.

Know and Leverage Team Member Strengths

Another component of capitalizing on diversity is to ask your team members to share what they believe they do best, so as to leverage each person’s strengths. While it may take some people a minute or two to articulate what they are good at, they are often flattered to be asked. And when their talents are embraced and valued by the team, they will be that much more engaged.

Some people are better at the creative side of generating new ideas and brainstorming. Some are much more attuned to execution and are good at ensuring the team knows who is going to do what and by when, once the better ideas are selected. Who likes to facilitate meetings? Who likes to gather and analyze data? Who likes to monitor progress? The more you can understand and then leverage the strengths of the members of your team, the more you can get out of your team and create an environment where people want to engage 100 percent.

Clarify Roles and How Decisions Will Get Made—Not Always Consensus

Clarifying roles is critical. Ever play volleyball? Not beach volleyball, which typically has only two players on a team, but with six people per side. I can still vividly remember the ball coming over the net, and usually someone would step up and hit the ball. But there were two other possibilities.

The first possibility was that the two players closest to the incoming ball would look at each other, approach it, but because they were unsure whose ball it was, they’d look on plaintively as the ball dropped to the ground between them. The second possibility was that both players would rush to the ball, saying almost simultaneously, “I’ve got it!” and then, rather than hitting it, they’d run into each other. Ouch!

Does this type of scenario play out in business as well? Consider the explosion of specialist roles, whether in health care or in companies at large. It’s hard to know where one role ends and another begins, so clarifying roles is important. There are a lot of gray areas in which each person can assume the other “has the ball.” And given the complexity in organizations today, as well as all the counterparts you might have across functions, departments, and geographies, it’s hard to know who is responsible for what.

Take the time to clarify—not exactly, but generally—who is responsible for what, so you don’t either let the ball drop by default or run into each other (and watch the ball still drop).

How about decision making? Let’s review five basic decision styles that you may have come across, and explore how they can best work for you and when.

The first two tend to be faster, but with less buy-in, while the two at the bottom are slower, but with more buy-in.

Decision Process	Description
Autocratic	One person decides
Vote	Highest percentage wins (although “majority” in politics may refer to more than 50 percent)
Consult	Leader seeks input, then decides
Consensus	Discuss fully, then the team commits to a solution that everyone can support implementing
Unanimous	100 percent of team members agree with the decision

Which is the best decision process to use in most teams? Although many people might think it’s consensus, it really does depend. How important is buy-in or ongoing support for a tough implementation? How important is the actual decision? If lives or the survival of the business depend on it, well, you probably want to get it right. But even then, that has to be balanced with speed and a sense of urgency. Sometimes the right answer is autocratic and the team leader decides.

Working with the CFO and his top team at a major company, we found decision making was a problem for them. They were highly effective, with one exception: They observed a decision strategy of total veto power. So if any one of the top team didn’t like an impending decision, he or she could veto it and cancel or postpone the decision. Certainly, there are some instances in which that might be appropriate. But we found they abused this, to the point that the team was putting off mission-critical and time-sensitive decisions, causing much harm throughout the finance organization. The CFO could have used more of the consult decision process by having a team discussion or gathering input from each team member, and then making the decision himself.

The most common problem, however, is that many people confuse the consensus and unanimous decision processes. In a consensus, there are often people who haven’t necessarily agreed to the decision, but through much discussion, they believe it’s an acceptable decision that they can commit to support. The discussion drives the quality of the decision, ensuring that diverse perspectives are considered and debated. This provides the context for the decision to emerge. That process is different from unanimous, in which everyone truly does agree with the decision.

I want to emphasize my support for leaders to use the consult decision-making strategy when appropriate. If they have the latitude, they can consider the input of others and simply make the decision. I’ve seen the better leaders get input during one-on-ones and with a group, then coalesce the perspectives and present a draft to get a reaction from the team. Further discussion and iteration may be necessary, but in general you see team members ultimately support the decision, not because of the leader’s position or authority, but because it is the right thing to do. This is somewhat of a hybrid of the consult and consensus models.

Sometimes, even informal leaders (without the authority of the actual position) can ask a group if they will support him or her making the decision after seeking sufficient input and discussion. But team leaders and team members need to have the prerogative of knowing that they can drive decisions when they need to; it’s simply wise to understand the trade-offs before embarking on that path.

COLLABORATION SKILL 2: EMBRACE THE TENSION AND PERSEVERE TO PRODUCE BREAKTHROUGHS

Collaboration is not a clean, structured, easy-to-manage process. If our goal is to achieve better ideas and solutions than any one person can, then it takes strength and perseverance. Think of people knocking heads, getting both elated and frustrated, passionate and defensive—more of a scrum, like in rugby!

When that tension arises and starts to build in intensity, that is exactly when it is most critical to embrace the tension and persevere to get to the other side. Having both observed and experienced this tension, I’ve seen people react in a variety of ways:

• Some get louder and listen less because they are so stoked by passion.

• Others get quieter and more reserved, saving their input until after the meeting, when all the tension has died down.

• And still others may try to creatively reduce the tension by proposing a weak compromise, simply to make the conflict go away.

All three of these approaches sabotage the real beauty of bringing diverse groups and perspectives together to collaborate. So what can you do to help navigate this tension? Embrace it and persevere to produce the breakthroughs.

Recognize the Challenge, Stay Constructive, and Build Hope

Anyone on the team can help embrace this tension, not only the team leader. As the tension builds and people are either getting louder or going quiet, anyone on the team can speak up and can recognize the challenge. Say something like, “It looks like we’re really getting passionate about this. Some of us are getting louder and digging into our views, and I’ve noticed others saying less and less. How can we take full advantage of all the brainpower in here and figure out a real solution?”

At a minimum, this calls out the situation, and you may even get some smiles as people pause and reflect on their actions. Highlighting what is happening in the moment gives the team an opportunity to momentarily reflect. We know tension and constructive conflict are very positive and can often produce the best results. The challenge is to ensure that the tension is managed constructively, with each member feeling respected and his or her diverse perspectives heard. Ask the people who have grown more quiet for their input. Ask the people who are listening less, as they get louder and louder, to pause and give others an opportunity to share.

If they have been repeating themselves, either due to their passion or because they’re not sure if others are getting their message, it may help to briefly paraphrase their input back to them, so they can calm down knowing they’ve been heard.

It might take some courage to call out the tension during the meeting, but it also sets up a leadership opportunity in which you can build hope that the team will get over this hurdle. I like to say things like, “We’re getting so close to a powerful solution. Can we hang in there, but present our best selves as we work together?”

Revisit Higher Purpose and Goals

Another strategy to help persevere when things are tense during meetings is to step back and revisit the higher purpose and team goals. “We said we wanted to come up with a solution better than anything we’ve seen before. Solving this dilemma could change everything.” This can help motivate the team to put personal issues aside and strive to rise above the fray. It can provide a powerful combination by stating a vision of your team’s purpose, along with the key goals and metrics for success. This elevates the conversation to maintain alignment with the high-level direction, as well as relevance to measurable goals and timelines. It allows you to toggle between the two when appropriate.

Similarly, as conversations get more intense, an engineer or a project leader can simply bring back the conversation to “What are we trying to solve here?” “Let’s remember why we’re all so committed to figuring out a solution.” “We collectively made a commitment to put our best solution forward by the end of the month, which is rapidly approaching.” Again, anyone on the team can help its members embrace the tension and help motivate colleagues to persevere; this is not at all limited to the team leader.

When I led a team to revamp the performance management system at Silicon Graphics (SGI), we began the process by clarifying the overall team mission. With many diverse perspectives and experiences represented on the team, this helped forge a common vision for success.

People would inevitably fall back on their own experience as the basis for proposing solutions (typically from whatever company they came from), and the team would rally. They would lift up the ideas, depersonalize them, and then embrace what was most innovative and likely to move our vision forward.

In chapter two, we talked about the importance of team leaders championing the bigger picture and appealing to a sense of purpose in order to build the engagement and commitment of their team members. The same is true for partnering with others, which can succeed only to the extent that the members involved have a shared interest in the outcome. And if the team has a common purpose and charter, it can provide a beacon during tough times.

Be Flexible and Iterate over Time

What happens when the discussions get increasingly more passionate and intense? Some people may start out by proposing an idea and are genuinely open to other possibilities. But as the discussion develops, they get that much more tied to their own idea and move from a neutral position to full-throttle advocacy. They can get so dug into their own idea that they become less rational, and then it’s about ego and saving face.

When this happens, it is important to respectfully call it out so the person is aware of his or her behavior and impact on the team. You can remind everyone of their commitment to find the best solutions and to be open-minded and flexible. (We will provide some tips for giving feedback and talking through tough issues in the next section.) I like to ask, “How can we build on these two ideas and come up with a hybrid that’s even more powerful?”

Another strategy to avoid getting egos too involved is to jot down solutions on a whiteboard, flip chart, Post-it Notes, or digital work space. This helps depersonalize the ideas so that people can more honestly explore and analyze them. And when a team feels really stuck, time and iterating on ideas can be very beneficial. Allowing the time to iterate to advance the solution one step at a time can bring people along who otherwise would resist.

See if you can relate to this: There have been times when I received feedback and got defensive in the moment; I thought the feedback was unjust. But something magical would happen overnight. With time to digest and reflect, I was able to better understand—and value—the person’s intent and perspective. Time helped.

Embracing the tension and persevering to produce the breakthroughs is a powerful skill that will make a huge difference in leveraging your impact.

COLLABORATION SKILL 3: TALK IT OUT—FOR THE RELATIONSHIP AND THE TEAM

At its core, collaboration is about people working together to achieve goals. Realistically, you can have the perfect team, with clear roles, accountability, and decision-making processes, and still end up with conflict. It could range from excitement and passion for seemingly mutually exclusive ideas to issues such as personality slights, egos, competing interests, agendas, shifting priorities, and on and on.

Consider the ongoing theme of Work That Counts as you approach discussions with your team leader and colleagues. The empowerment, alignment, and now collaboration mindsets we have reviewed pose important topics for any discussion. Whether it’s fine-tuning your empowered relationship or getting the support you need to succeed, these topics and skills can prompt powerful discussions.

When you’re upset with someone, who’s the first person you talk to about it? The person you have the problem with? That’s not the case for most people. They will complain to a friend, a spouse, a colleague, and so on. Often many discussions will occur, but not with the right person.

Why is that? For one thing, we know it takes courage to confront a problem, and many of us are risk averse. In addition, we’ve all been burned trying to talk with the person directly only to find that he or she gets defensive or offended, and we’ve inadvertently created more problems. We’ve learned over time that it may be better to hold back and hope it will get better without our intervention.

Does that work? Sure, sometimes. But consider the consequences of not talking through the problem with the person directly and instead sharing your concerns with others.

Let’s look at telling others at home about a problem with someone at work versus sharing those concerns with others at work. At home, other than the consequence of not solving the problem, at least you aren’t creating new problems. Clearly, not solving the problem is a very big deal. At work, however, it’s a different story. When you share your concerns at work about someone else (also referred to as talking behind someone’s back), you fuel a distrust that can be toxic to an organization. In addition, you are ensnaring someone else in the drama.

And all the while, the real problems or conflicts are going unsolved. Speed is almost always critical to accomplishing goals, and speed, as well as morale, is sacrificed when someone is not willing to address an issue directly.

Context for Misunderstandings

Let’s review a common underlying problem with communication, captured by the following timeless statement:

“I know you think you understood what I said,

but I hope you understand that what I said wasn’t quite what I meant.”

How do discussions go wrong? Have you ever played the telephone game, in which a group of people pass on a simple message from one person to another and find that the final person’s message is nowhere near the original? The likelihood that the receiver hears and sees the exact same thing the sender intends is very low. How much distortion is uncertain, but that it will be there to some degree, perhaps significant, is highly likely.

Here’s a concept, apparently originated by Egon Brunswik, that I came across decades ago and have modestly adapted through the years.

It’s remarkable that with all this room for distortion, we ever accurately communicate. Think of what happens when the personal state consists of truly negative experiences with either the sender or the receiver, or the situation is unduly challenging. This is where unconscious bias can cast an insidious shadow, especially around issues of gender and race. It’s complicated further because the receiver immediately begins communicating signals back to the sender indicating the degree that he or she is either with or against the sender’s message. This affects the sender’s messaging in real time. Yes, this is a challenge.

Meet Cedrick. He works on a cross-functional team and is pretty upset with one of his peers, Veronica. Six months ago, Veronica said something negative about his work during a team meeting. It wasn’t anything serious to others, but Cedrick didn’t like it. But he didn’t want to cause problems, so he didn’t say anything—at least, not to Veronica.

Instead, he couldn’t help but complain to others on the team. How could she do this to him? What was her motive? His constant worrying was distracting for his peers, and they wondered why Cedrick seemed so sensitive.

Because he was upset about the issue, he took it out on Veronica by treating her differently. Whereas he used to smile and greet her in a friendly manner, now he was distancing himself, avoiding eye contact, and being much less friendly.

But it didn’t stop there. Ultimately it got back to Veronica, and she was perplexed, wondering why he didn’t just bring it up to her. What had been a solid working relationship began to look more like a tenuous one at best. What did Cedrick do wrong in this whole situation?

He didn’t speak up. He let it fester. And that’s never a good strategy.

What’s the solution? First let’s acknowledge Joseph Grenny and his coauthors of Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High. They really wrote the book on constructive dialogue. The material in Work That Counts is intended to complement their principles and skills. As previously mentioned, I was one of a handful of senior master trainers in Crucial Conversations and have led the program hundreds of times.

Here are a few hard-earned tips from working with executives at so many great companies:

• Get up the courage to share your perspective honestly and respectfully.

• Don’t exaggerate or use absolutes.

• Try to narrow your perspective down to what’s most relevant.

• Considering the other person, try to make what you say as palatable as possible, so he or she can hear it and digest it, over time if necessary.

• Remain open and really listen—make it a discussion.

A real conversation is fluid, and both parties are simultaneously contributing and reacting. It is through this shared discussion that constructive dialogue is achieved. The following steps can be learned and utilized in virtually any discussion, at home or at work.

Talk It Out: Know What You Want from This Discussion

Before you talk it out, try to figure out what’s most important to you in this discussion. There are many reasons to talk with someone when there is an issue. Is it to give feedback? Improve performance? Ensure a critical project finishes on time? Those are three distinctly different discussion objectives. The key is to be intentional and focus on a more noble and higher-level objective, such as providing feedback so the person can be at his or her best, ensuring a positive working relationship, or delivering the strongest solution possible.

Talk It Out: Question Your Assumptions

The second thing to do prior to a discussion is to question your own assumptions about the person’s motives and your certainty of the facts. Many people can get caught up in the veracity of their facts and the mendacity of others. We tend to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt and put the burden of proof on other people.

Josh, a guy you work with from another group, seems to continue to give you unsolicited advice. So you’ve begun thinking to yourself, “Josh constantly tells me how to do things differently; he must think I’m a moron.” Have there been times when you were so sure of your facts, only to find out that you were not 100 percent accurate? Or have you thought the other person was operating from a place of malice and bad intentions, only to find that the individual had your best interests in mind?

What would you do if Josh came to you and said, “I know I’ve given you lots of advice for how to operate around here. I really want you to do well because I see loads of potential in you.” Wow. Maybe you had it wrong. Maybe if you had told Josh how you were feeling earlier, you wouldn’t have been spending so much time spinning about how he thinks you’re a moron. Yes, it can be humbling, which is good for productive discussions.

People can agree more readily on facts, which are not tainted by opinions. Facts provide a foundation to deal with conflicting perspectives, can provide insight into what to do, and can help others hear you.

With collaboration, we’re attempting to achieve goals together and build the best ideas and solutions more than any individual ever could. We need both facts and opinions to accomplish that, and it is best if you know the difference between the two.

Facts are data (graphs, numbers, trends, etc.). Behavioral facts are things that you have seen with your own eyes or heard with your own ears—things that could be recorded with a video camera. Try to use phrases that capture what you’ve seen or heard, or stand-alone facts, such as “I couldn’t help but notice when you . . .” or “My understanding of the facts is . . .” Opinions should sound more like “So it seems to me that . . .” or “That makes me concerned about . . .”

In our example with Josh, you could start the discussion with a fact by saying, “Josh, I couldn’t help but notice that you are often giving me advice for how to do something.” Then it is appropriate to follow up with an opinion such as, “That leads me to think that you may not trust me to do the job right, or that I’ll do it wrong.” Note the use of the phrases “leads me” and “may not,” to reflect your opinions versus your facts.

Talk It Out: Listen and Pursue Input with an Intellectual Curiosity

As I mentioned earlier, sometimes we can get things wrong.

In the example with Josh, after you have shared your fact and opinion, ask, “How do you see it? What was your intention?” That would certainly open the door for a productive discussion!

Can you tell when you’re talking with someone and he or she really isn’t listening to you? What do you notice that gives you that impression? Perhaps they aren’t looking at you, or they’re glancing at their phone, or they come back with a statement that doesn’t relate at all to what you just said, or ten minutes later they bring up a similar issue without connecting it to your now ten-minute-old conversation. Often, the other person is so passionately fixated on their own point of view, they cannot fathom considering outside opinions. Rather than relate back to anything you’ve said, perhaps they just repeat their own perspective over and over.

I’ve found that the people who really stand out as having the most impact are those with a strong intellectual curiosity and a passion for listening. Intellectual curiosity is all about the pursuit of knowledge, information, and input with an unquenchable thirst. Listening is a critical component; it entails asking the right questions and being open to new perspectives. In my experience, when one party has a significant degree of curiosity about a topic and respect for the person offering it, listening is automatically enhanced. Better listening does take time, but in the end it can save more time. People are much less likely to feel they have to repeat their position if they sense that the other person grasps their intent and the essence of their position. It might also help them speak their truth—their authentic beliefs and opinions.

What can you do? Provide a compelling role model for others in listening with an intellectual curiosity—it may be contagious! Not only will this help you take greater advantage of the knowledge around you, but it will set the stage for others to reciprocate and listen more attentively to you. You can also preface your remarks by reminding the other person of your desire to fully understand their position, and request that they do so in return.

Solutions are much more palatable and successful when a person first listens and then incorporates those voices into his or her solutions: for example, building on the other person’s hopes and addressing his or her concerns during the dialogue. Another powerful strategy is to build on individual and mutual best interests, as a bridge to conflicts and finding a path forward. Without it, you will be mired in conflict and inertia. Think through not only why this discussion is beneficial for you, but what is in it for the other person.

Talk It Out: Solve Together, Don’t Blame

What happens when you have expressed your perspective and truly listened but there is still conflict? The most effective strategy to approaching conflict, even if it is personality based, is to try to solve the problem without focusing on who’s to blame. When someone feels they are blamed for a problem, they can shut down, protect themselves, and pull back from taking any reasonable and desired risks. Rather than focusing on how to succeed, the energy gets sucked up into ensuring they don’t personally lose. It is important to note that people will rapidly decide, based on your words, tone, and body language, whether you are with them or against them. Try a phrase such as “How can we solve or resolve this together . . . ?” This can be powerful and shows solidarity in working through the issues.

If someone has a pattern of poor performance, then appropriate action should be taken. However, for day-to-day conflicts, focusing your energy on fixing the situation and trying to make sure an unproductive conflict does not recur is the goal. Conflict and engaging diverse perspectives can be a great source of energy. That is the way to build a winning organization.

Talk It Out: Show Respect and Empathy

Showing respect includes being honest, open, and genuinely interested in the other person’s perspective. If you find respecting the other person too difficult, try to respect their role. What did it take for them to move into that role? Or consider other aspects of that person’s life or other work responsibilities. Find something—anything—that allows you to genuinely build a level of respect for that other person. Being respectful doesn’t mean showering someone with compliments. Don’t exaggerate their claims, but try to neutrally capture the essence as the discussion unfolds.

Having empathy means you understand where the other person is coming from. Communicating empathy seems natural for many people, and almost impossible for others. The first step in gaining empathy is to ask yourself, “How would I feel if I were dealing with similar circumstances, or found myself in a similar situation?” This will help form a psychological bridge for you to work through issues with the person in a far more effective manner. Empathy is not something you can fake. You need to imagine this internally, and it will naturally show itself to the other person, either negatively or positively.

Talk It Out: Steps and Starters

As with fine-tuning an empowered relationship and getting the support you need to achieve alignment, here are steps and starters that we illustrated in our example with Josh. The preparation on the next page is important to consider both before and during any important discussion.

Steps	Starters
Share discussion objectives.	“I’m hoping we can . . .”
Describe facts and behaviors before opinions.	“When you said . . .” “The data is . . .” “It seems to me . . .” “I’m concerned that . . .”
Pursue input and listen.	“How do you see it?”
Solve together, don’t blame.	“How can we solve or resolve this together?”

Preparation

• Know what you want to achieve from this discussion.

• Question your assumptions about your version of the facts and the motives of the other person.

The one certainty when it comes to discussions like this is that there are no certainties. It’s organic and will morph somewhat unpredictably. You need to stay flexible and keep in mind your discussion objective. However, the more you have invested in the relationships, the more conducive others will be to your influence and perspectives.

By following these steps and starters, you can dramatically strengthen results and relationships in and across teams.

COLLABORATION SKILL 4: INVEST IN KEY RELATIONSHIPS—IT’S RECIPROCAL

Consider personal friendships and relationships for a moment. What can you predict if someone doesn’t invest a reasonable amount of energy into maintaining or building relationships? Over time, would it surprise you if those relationships seemed to drift away and lose their ability to withstand and work through problems? Relationships are dynamic; they can vacillate between brittleness and strength, forming the basis for poor or great results. Of course, the same is true for the workplace—although work relationships can typically drift more quickly if left untended.

Investing in key relationships does take some focused effort. Occasionally checking in to see how people are doing and what they are working on and getting feedback on how a project is going are ways to continue to invest in the relationship. Consider your own role for a moment. Key relationships for you might consist of any of the following:

• Critical stakeholders for a project

• Your “go-to” colleagues for information or support

• Your team leader, peers, or team members whom you work with to drive goals

• Mentors or other colleagues who offer you career advice or guidance

If you want to be taken seriously, be listened to, and get help when you need it, consider your actions with those who count. It’s all reciprocal.

Share Information and Genuinely Care—You Get What You Give

In discussing the empowered mindset, we explored the concept of “knowledge is power” in the context of how a team leader can provide team members with the fuel to take action and drive decisions by sharing all the information needed to drive execution and have a broader impact.

Many consider the phrase “knowledge is power” to mean that knowledge is best held tight so that it provides you a competitive advantage. This often seems to happen, to the detriment of the organization. I am not suggesting that professionals should share confidential or proprietary information that would jeopardize the company’s competitive advantage, but in knowledge-based organizations, the only way to grow and scale is to share appropriately and freely. If people get a reputation for holding on to knowledge, they will gradually get isolated and ultimately have less access to it. People remember. My experience suggests that those who exemplify all three mindsets share information appropriately and willingly, which builds the trust of others and enables an even greater impact in the organization. A caveat is to respect confidentialities from those who have entrusted information to you, as well as business strategies and product upgrades considered proprietary and confidential.

A powerful IT consulting firm I worked with was the fastest of the Fast 50 companies for that year, and the company’s growth depended on getting its consultants to share their knowledge with each other. It was critical to build this knowledge-sharing capacity so that the firm as a whole could collectively offer increased competence to its customers.

My goal was to help them build a culture in which their professionals would willingly share information, even though the common perception was that knowledge was power and that sharing it might increase the power of others while decreasing one’s own power. These were incredibly bright consultants who were at the top of their field and very competitive.

The leadership of the firm recognized the criticality of working together and knew sharing information was a key enabler of business success. As we developed an integrated talent strategy, we looked at the reward and recognition system and hiring practices, and we implemented a robust three-day development program that I designed. This high-impact program was championed by the executive team and targeted all levels (about fifteen hundred staff) to evolve the culture to promote and recognize knowledge sharing. You can imagine that this was a huge expense in terms of time away from billing, travel, delivery fees, and so on. However, the investment paid off. The firm continued to grow and was later sold for $3.4 billion. Many of the staff spun out successfully to other firms.

How do you get more information from others? You give more. It’s reciprocal; you get what you give. Don’t wait until someone is asking for information—if you can anticipate that you have something useful for them, share it. This does not take practice and a deep skill set to do. It takes a belief and an understanding of the importance of sharing information with others within their organization. You may think of it as a tension between being self-centered and team-centered. We all move dynamically along that continuum. Our natural behaviors will follow, for good or for bad. And it’s not just to develop more of a team-centered view, but one across teams as well. This indeed will help strengthen your impact, in and across teams.

Sandy is responsible for pre-sales for one of many regions in a large global company. She works with the sales team to set up customer visits. With ten years on the job, she’s gained an understanding of what it takes to support the salespeople to produce sales. She is rightly proud of her accomplishments and knowledge and is highly respected and appreciated by the sales team.

There are also many other colleagues in the same role supporting other regions and customers. The question becomes, does Sandy hold on to what she has learned so she can maintain her individual “superstar” status, or does she leverage her impact and help elevate the whole pre-sales team by sharing her knowledge?

Sandy has a choice. If she continues to stay focused on delivering for her region and sales team, she may be viewed as one of the strongest players on her team. However, if she keeps largely to herself, she may come to be seen as someone who isn’t willing to share and help the broader team. Others may start to hold back from supporting her needs. Over time, they may realize that Sandy isn’t providing as much value as she once did.

If, on the other hand, Sandy proactively collaborates with her peers and shares her insights and other information, doing so in a positive and helpful fashion, imagine the positive spiral of information flow that can be catalyzed. She may also actually increase her influence, value, and promotion prospects, by building a reputation for being more team oriented and demonstrating a willingness to share her knowledge for the benefit of the larger organization.

We’ve covered share; now let’s dig into care. The more you can genuinely care about the other person, the more he or she will respond positively to your requests and needs. Research has repeatedly shown that people are more open to influence from those they like and who like them. And this is something you can’t fake. People can surmise when someone doesn’t respect or care for them based on that person’s body language, words, and pattern of actions toward them over time.

Relationships are by definition subjective and amorphous. Perception is in the eye of the beholder. People make judgments about you and about how much you care for them. You can control how you behave toward others and what you think about them, which shows via your behavior and actions.

Some of us are more open and lean in to relationships with a positive attitude, while others may be more guarded and look for signs that they can’t trust you. If I have an issue with someone, I will attempt to question my assumptions about him or her as we discussed earlier. What is influencing me to think about the person in this way? Could there be any bias that is influencing my thoughts? If there is an incident that I am concerned about, I will think through what might have been their motives, and how I could give them the benefit of the doubt. I might even think about someone less capable and fortunate, but for whom I really care. Could I transfer this feeling of goodwill and give this person the same degree of trust in their intentions?

To be clear, we don’t want to think our way into apathy and inaction. We still need to step up, hold people accountable, and pursue conflicts directly. Frankly, those actions actually demonstrate care for the individual and the business. And the more we can present ourselves in a caring and rational fashion, the more others will be receptive to feedback and influence.

The other aspect of caring is simply showing support. As workloads fluctuate and the stress of multiple due dates builds, wouldn’t we appreciate the offer of support from our colleagues? Sometimes, the offer itself can change one’s whole attitude and provide a bit more energy to make a difference that day. We can all use some support; most significant efforts require it of a team.

Every day, we make choices about how to present ourselves to those around us. It is up to each of us to choose to be more team oriented and go out of our way to share information and support those people we collaborate with most.

Provide Ongoing Feedback

As first mentioned in chapter two, asking for and giving feedback provides an avenue for a person to gain insight into his or her behaviors and performance in order to grow and develop.

You have probably heard that feedback is a gift, and it really is. Obtaining feedback allows you to better understand how others believe you could specifically improve. It’s like buying a customized solution, tailored specifically for you, but it’s actually free. Being open to feedback may even enhance your relationships, especially if you act on the feedback and change your behaviors.

Rodger Dean Duncan, author of Change-Friendly Leadership, a regular contributor to Forbes, and a longtime colleague, shared a gem with me about feedback. “If someone offers you a breath mint, take it.” Wise advice!

Ideally, asking for feedback consists of three questions:

1. What would you like me to start doing or do more of?

2. What would you like me to stop doing or do less of?

3. What would you like me to continue doing (the good stuff!)?

The key word in each of these questions is doing. The word implies behavior, what someone has said or done. It is intrinsically changeable. You can’t respond to those questions with answers like, “I wish you’d have more experience, or be smarter.” It forces the person to focus on what is most useful, and in most cases this feedback allows you to change behavior if you choose to do so.

Because feedback is a gift, start by asking if they are willing to offer some feedback, and if this is the right time to do it. Each question can be preceded with a phrase to focus the feedback. You may say, “Regarding how we’re working together on this project, what would you like me to start doing or do more of?”

When getting constructive feedback, the natural tendency is to get defensive. We want to explain why we did what we did. This is a very strong drive. Unfortunately, it shuts down the feedback process. Rather than get defensive, turn on your intellectual curiosity. Listen, reflect your understanding of what you think the person is attempting to convey to you, and if needed, ask for clarification. But be careful, this can sound a lot like asking for proof.

You can ask for clarification with the same words, but with significantly different effect. “Can you give me an example?” can be asked harshly or warmly. Adding “to help me understand” can help mitigate any harshness.

But perhaps you genuinely disagree with the feedback. If you try to change the other’s perspective now, it will come off as defensive. Time will help. Maybe tomorrow morning you will better understand its value. Or you can follow up later to influence his or her perspective.

Another aspect of getting feedback is that it opens an opportunity for you to learn from others. “I can see how you thought I came across as aggressive in that meeting. Do you have strategies that you use for maintaining your composure? I’ll think of things I can do better, but if you have any advice, let me know!”

If you have not been asked, but want to give somebody constructive feedback, then refer to the Talk It Out skills highlighted earlier. Additional thought and care will be needed in advance of giving the feedback.

Remember that feedback is not only used when you are trying to correct or modify a behavior. As we mentioned in the empowered mindset discussion, giving positive feedback and recognition will encourage the person to continue to demonstrate the behaviors that you appreciate and that drive successful outcomes.

The follow-on is not to assume that because you sought feedback, the other person also wants feedback from you. If he or she asks for it, great. But if not, let that go for another time.

In delivering hundreds of off-sites, it wasn’t unusual to see organizations with inter-team issues, many of which arose over years. These same three feedback questions can be used to surface and address long-held perceptions. I often used the following process with two or three teams in the room to strengthen their inter-team collaboration:

1. Set the stage for the feedback process.

2. Break the group into their working teams and have them gather in a private space so they can talk candidly as they prepare.

3. In their teams, have them do the following on flip charts:

   • Identify feedback you think the other team is going to give your team (relative to the three questions).

   • Answer the questions:* What would you like the other teams to start, stop, and continue doing?

4. Bring the teams back together.

5. Each team begins by sharing their first list—their expectations of the feedback the other teams will likely provide them. This makes it far easier for the other teams to then share their actual feedback. Not surprisingly, the first team’s guess is usually quite similar to the actual feedback that follows.

This process helped increase the constructive candor among teams and formed the basis for much better collaboration. Whether it’s in and across teams or between individuals, asking for and utilizing feedback is paramount.

Summary

How to partner in and across teams to achieve goals

Without the ability to partner with others, one person cannot scale to achieve complex goals and initiatives. It is simply too self-limiting. Although collaboration is fraught with personality differences and the messiness of teams, we really don’t have a choice but to figure out how to make it work, rather than allow it to be a limiting factor. The following skills and insights are most critical to effective collaboration in and across teams.

• Include diverse perspectives: Default toward fewer people who all add value; know and leverage team strengths; clarify roles and how decisions will get made.

• Embrace the tension and persevere to produce breakthroughs: Recognize the challenge, stay constructive, and build hope; revisit the higher purpose and goals; be flexible and iterate over time.

• Talk it out—for the relationship and the team: Know what you want from this discussion; question your assumptions; share facts before opinions; listen and pursue input; solve together, don’t blame; show respect and empathy.

• Invest in key relationships—it’s reciprocal: Share information and genuinely care; provide ongoing feedback.

COLLABORATION IN YOUR PERSONAL LIFE

To partner in and across teams to achieve goals.

As you can see from reviewing the key skills that enable people to partner more effectively, they prove invaluable to achieving more in your personal life as well. Because these skills relate to your personal life as well as the workplace, let’s briefly revisit each of them, and consider how they can apply to making your life more rewarding and less frustrating.

Include Diverse Perspectives

Add diversity by going beyond your own perspective and approach to solving problems and making plans. Consider that you may have surrounded yourself with people who view life much like yourself. This can provide some comfort, yet can be somewhat limiting in expanding your experiences in life. Move out of your comfort zone. Take a class, join a club, read material from a broader selection of books and publications.

Get to know and appreciate the unique strengths that others around you bring to complement your own. This can be especially true in your family, enabling everyone to participate and engage when planning family outings. If you like making decisions, be sure to engage others to make sure you’ve considered a wealth of alternatives. Where it makes sense, clarify roles and how decisions will get made. Utilize various decision styles where appropriate, calling them out so others get comfortable with them as well. As teens grow into emerging adults, you’ll benefit from leaning more toward a consultative approach.

Embrace the Tension and Persevere to Produce Breakthroughs

When discussions get more intense, ask others to stay constructive (ask them to dial it back if they’re too passionate, and to speak up if they’re shutting down). Offer hope that you’re close to achieving a breakthrough. Revisit why this topic is important, and emphasize that family unity is paramount. Be flexible and willing to iterate over time (sleep on it). At home, it can be challenging to make this feel organic and not mechanical, so it is better used on more important topics. Over time it can become more organic as you make it feel natural and develop it into a normal way of family interaction.

Humor can be a powerful and fun aspect to use when trying to work through this tension. Laughter brings joy, and can help get through the rough patches of collaboration. Embracing the Tension may be best used sparingly at home; life can be crazy enough, but when it really matters, it can make a big difference.

Talk It Out—for the Relationship and the Team

At home, there are endless opportunities to use and improve your communication. Whether with teenagers, partners, neighbors, friends, or aging parents, you can apply the following skills every single day. If you encourage and role-model constructive and candid communication, you will be rewarded for years to come.

In preparation, know what you want from this discussion. Question your assumptions (about others’ motives and your own sense of the facts). It may help to write your facts down in advance, and your corresponding opinions, so that you can reflect on them. Time will help you be more rational and less emotional for your discussion.

During your discussion, share facts before opinions (and use words like may, perhaps, and I think when referring to your opinions). Allow room for their responses, and allow a flow of information and sharing.

Especially when you think you’re right, listen and pursue input (yet share that you may still be making the decision). Solve together, don’t blame, and show respect and empathy, even with younger family members. When you or others are more stressed, these skills are that much more valuable. You can build these skills into the “culture” of your family over time.

Invest in Key Relationships—It’s Reciprocal

Time counts when it comes to investing in key relationships, especially at home. Kids grow up fast, faster than you’d ever think. I remember flying home from a business trip years ago, reminiscing about digging holes in the sand at the beach with my kids when they were young. Working hard to build my career at the time, I relished those glorious moments relaxing at the beach, and would help out reluctantly when asked by them to help. But flying home that night, I would have paid a large amount of money to have another chance to dig one more hole in the sand with my kids.

The quality of the time you share with others matters. Are you fully present? To what extent does your smartphone compete for your attention? Make the time you spend with those important to you memorable to yourself and others by making it special.

Share information and context when discussing anything; how else will others around you develop a broader perspective? Even when you’re stressed at the end of a tough day, genuinely show your care and love. Provide ongoing feedback in a way and at a pace that enables family members to absorb and appreciate it, and always be willing to ask for feedback yourself.

You could probably write your own chapter on how these collaboration skills play out—or don’t—from your own experiences in today’s family and your personal life more generally. It would be worth your time to go through each of the four skills and ask yourself how you can incorporate that skill more effectively into your family dynamics and personal challenges.

Whether it’s collaborating within a team, across teams, or at home, partnering skills and a collaboration mindset will make a huge difference in achieving whatever goals you pursue. Keep in mind that you are a role model at home, and the messages you send every day influence and shape those you care about most. At work, our colleagues view us based on our actions and ability to partner constructively. Make this mindset work for you in strengthening your impact.

You may be wondering how you would rate yourself on these three mindsets. Does one stand out as a strength? Is one in particular holding you back? Now’s your chance to assess your effectiveness and the likelihood that you will use these skills when you should.