I don’t find it hard to write the next line
One of the main complaints made by musicians whose work is criticised by sneering smartarses like me is that we could never actually write songs ourselves. Well, I beg to differ. Not only can I write a song (albeit not very well), but I’m sure I can write a lyric even worse than anything in this book.
I put myself in the position of a harassed songwriter and tried to encompass most of the major lyrical crimes within my composition. I’m not one to boast, but I’d like to think of this as something of a perfect storm of bad lyrics. Read’em and weep …
(c. J. Sharp, 2009. )1
I wrote a song for you … and it goes a little something like this …
I saw you standing in the rain
Feeling the agony of pain
Looked like you wished you were in Spain
I said excuse me, you look like you need a little company
You smiled through the tears and you said ‘my boyfriend’s dumped me’
I sat down beside you and I held your hand
you said hey, you look like you should be in a band
We talked of movies, films and books
And our favourite bits from Spooks
I thought as sure as a great author … was Nabokov
Well tonight I’m going to get your … knickers off
I can see that my buzz makes your honey drip,
bzzz, bzzz come on put this sting between your lips
CHORUS:
Cos I can’t find the words that’ll say
How much I wanna have my way … with you
And your twin sister too
Girl I think you want it too– hoo hoo,
Or am I totally delu-hoo-hoo … ded?
Then she saw my love starting to grow
She said I’d rather take it slow
Let’s just go and have a drink
But I could see she was turning pink
I said sorry to be blunt but I really thought it worth a punt
I don’t want you to think of me as a cheeky runt
You see its not that I have no respect for you it’s
Just I can’t stop looking at your RAF targets
CHORUS:
All the great poets have tried to sum it up
And all I can say is I’d like to drink your furry cup
Lorca spoke of love in solitude
100 years of gonorrheas couldn’t kill my love for you
And when I finally recovered
I just know we’d still be lovers
And so she came in from the rain
And I said I’ll see you again … some time
Singing la la la la la lain
Ta ta ta ta ta ta train
Come on come on sing it again
Singing la la la la lain
(Right until the end)
______________________
1 Just in case you were thinking of nicking it and having a worldwide number one hit with it)