Tunbridge Wells

	At five this morn when Phoebus raised his head
	From Thetis’ lap, I raised myself from bed
	And mounting steed, I trotted to the waters,
	The rendezvous of feigned or sickly praters,
5	Cuckolds, whores, citizens, their wives and daughters.
	My squeamish stomach I with wine had bribed
	To undertake the dose it was prescribed,
	But turning head, a sudden noisome view
	That innocent provision overthrew
10	And without drinking made me purge and spew.
	Looking on t’other side, a thing I saw
	Who some men said could handle sword and law.
	It stalked, it stared, and up and down did strut,
	And seemed as furious as a stag at rut.
15	As wise as calf it looked, as big as bully,
	But handled, proved a mere Sir Nicholas Cully,
	A bawling fop, a natural Nokes, and yet
	He dared to censure as if he had wit.
	To make him more ridiculous, in spite
20	Nature contrived the fool should be a knight.
	Grant ye lucky stars this o’ergrown boy
	To purchase some inspiring pretty toy
	That may his want of sense and wit supply,
	As buxom crab-fish do his lechery.
25	Though he alone were dismal sight enough,
	His train contributed to set him off,
	All of his shape, all of the self-same stuff.
	In short, no malice need on him be thrown,
	Nature has done the business of lampoon,
30	And in his looks his character ham shown.
	Endeavouring this irksome sight to balk,
	And a more irksome noise, his silly talk,
	I silently slunk down to th’ Lower Walk.
	But often when one would Charybdis shun,
35	Down upon Scylla ’tis one’s fate to run;
	So here it was my cursèd fate to find
	As great a fop, though of another kind,
	A tall, stiff fool who walked in Spanish guise;
	The buckram puppet never stirred its eyes,
40	But grave as owl it looked, as woodcock wise.
	He scorned the empty talking of this mad age
	And spoke all proverbs, sentences, and adage,
	Can with as much solemnity buy eggs
	As a cabal can talk of their intrigues,
45	A man of parts, and yet he can dispense
	With the formality of speaking sense.
	From hence into the upper end I ran,
	Where a new scene of foppery began
	Among the serious and fanatic elves,
50	Fit company for none besides themselves.
	Assembled thus, each his distemper told:
	Scurvy, stone, strangury. Some were so bold
	To charge the spleen to be their misery,
	And on the wise disease bring infamy.
55	But none were half so modest to complain
	Their want of learning, honesty, and brain,
	The general diseases of that train.
	These call themselves ambassadors of Heaven
	And saucily pretend commissions given,
60	But should an Indian king, whose small command
	Seldom extends above ten miles of land,
	Send forth such wretched fools in an embassage,
	He’d find but small effects of such a message.
	Listening, I found the cob of all this rabble,
65	Pert Bayes, with his importance comfortable.
	He, being raised to an archdeaconry
	By trampling on religious liberty,
	Was grown too great and looked too fat and jolly
	To be disturbed with care or melancholy,
70	Though Marvell has enough exposed his folly.
	He drank to carry off some old remains
	His lazy dull distemper left in’s veins.
	Let him drink on, but ’tis not a whole flood
	Can give sufficient sweetness to his blood
75	To make his nature or his manners good.
	Importance drank too, though she’d been no sinner,
	To wash away some dregs he had spewed in her.
	Next after these a foolish whining crew
	Of sisters frail were offered to my view.
80	The things did talk, but th’ hearing what they said
	I did myself the kindness to evade.
	Looking about, I saw some gypsies too
	(Faith, brethren, they can cant as well as you).
	Nature hath placed these wretches beneath scorn;
85	They can’t be called so vile as they are born.
	Amidst the crowd next I myself conveyed,
	For now were come, whitewash and paint being laid,
	Mother and daughters, mistress and the maid,
	And squire with wig and pantaloons displayed.
90	But ne’er could conventicle, play, or fair
	For a true medley with this herd compare.
	Here squires, ladies, and some say countesses,
	Chandlers, egg-wives, bacon-women, seamstresses
	Were mixed together, nor did they agree
95	More in their humours than their quality.
	Here waiting for gallant, young damsel stood,
	Leaning on cane and muffled up in hood.
	The would-be wit, whose business was to woo,
	With hat removed and solemn scrape of shoe
100	Advanceth bowing, then genteelly shrugs
	And ruffled foretop into order tugs,
	And thus accosts her, ’Madam, methinks the weather
	Is grown much more serene since you came hither.
	You influence the heavens; and should the sun
105	Withdraw himself to see his rays outdone,
	Your brighter eyes could then supply the morn
	And make a day before a day be born.’
	With mouth screwed up, conceited winking eyes,
	And breasts thrust forwards, ’Lord, sir,’ she replies,
110	’It is your goodness, and not my deserts,
	Which makes you show this learning, wit, and parts.’
	He, puzzled, bites his nail, both to display
	The sparkling ring and think what next to say,
	And thus breaks forth afresh, ’Madam, egad,
115	Your luck at cards last night was very bad.
	At cribbage fifty-nine, and the next show
	To make the game, and yet to want those two.
	God damn me, madam, I’m the son of a whore
	If in my life I saw the like before.’
120	To pedlar’s stall he drags her, and her breast
	With hearts and such-like foolish toys he dressed;
	And then more smartly to expound the riddle
	Of all his prattle, gives her a Scotch fiddle.
	Tired with this dismal stuff, away I ran
125	Where were two wives with girl just fit for man,
	Short-breathed, with pallid lips, and visage wan.
	Some curtsies passed, and the old compliment
	Of being glad to see each other, spent,
	With hand in hand they lovingly did walk,
130	And one began thus to renew the talk.
	’I pray, good madam, if it may be thought
	No rudeness, what cause was it hither brought
	Your ladyship?’ She soon replying, smiled,
	’We have a good estate, but have no child,
135	And I’m informed these wells will make a barren
	Woman as fruitful as a cony warren.’
	The first returned, ’For this cause I am come,
	For I can have no quietness at home.
	My husband grumbles, though we have got one,
140	This poor girl, and mutters for a son.
	And this is grieved with headache pangs and throes,
	Is full sixteen and never yet had those.’
	She soon replied, ’Get her a husband, madam.
	I married at that age and ne’er had had ’em,
145	Was just like her. Steel waters let alone,
	A back of steel will bring ’em better down.’
	And ten to one but they themselves will try
	The same means to increase their family.
	Poor foolish fribbles, who by subtlety
150	Of midwife, truest friend to lechery,
	Persuaded are to be at pains and charge
	To give their wives occasion to enlarge
	Their silly heads. For here walk Cuff and Kick
	With brawny back and legs and potent prick,
155	Who more substantially will cure thy wife,
	And on her half-dead womb bestow new life.
	From these the waters got the reputation
	Of good assistants unto generation.
	Now warlike men were got into the throng,
160	With hair tied back, singing a bawdy song.
	Not much afraid, I got a nearer view,
	And ’twas my chance to know the dreadful crew.
	They were cadets, that seldom can appear,
	Damned to the stint of thirty pound a year.
165	With hawk on fist or greyhound led in hand,
	The dogs and footboys sometimes they command.
	And having trimmed a cast-off spavined horse,
	With three hard-pinched-for guineas in the purse,
	Two rusty pistols, scarf about the arse,
170	Coat lined with red, they here presume to swell;
	This goes for captain, that for colonel.
	So the Bear Garden ape on his steed mounted,
	No longer is a jackanapes accounted,
	But is by virtue of his trumpery then
175	Called by the name of the young gentleman.
	Bless me, thought I, what thing is man, that thus
	In all his shapes he is ridiculous?
	Ourselves with noise of reason we do please
	In vain: humanity’s our worst disease.
180	Thrice happy beasts are, who, because they be
	Of reason void, are so of foppery.
	Troth, I was so ashamed that with remorse
	I used the insolence to mount my horse;
	For he, doing only things fit for his nature,
185	Did seem to me (by much) the wiser creature.