“I should have been there.” I dissolve into tears, my face buried in the crook of Brian’s neck. It’s the third time this morning I’ve broken down, and it’s only 9:00 a.m. “I should have been the one to hold her hand, not a stranger.”
Brian wraps an arm around my shoulders and pulls me close. “It wasn’t a stranger,” he says softly. “It was Mary. She looked after her for a very long time.”
“But I’m her daughter.” I barely recognize the sound of my own voice, it’s so thin and wretched. “And I wasn’t there for her when she needed me most.”
“Shhh.” He strokes my hair and lets me cry onto his shoulder. “Shhh, shhh, shhh.”
Sobs continue to wrack my body, but I’m soothed by the pressure of his hand on my head and the soft sound of his voice in my ear. It reminds me of scooping Charlotte up when she was a toddler and had a nasty fall or bump. I’d press her to me and stroke her hair until her tears dried up.
“That’s it,” Brian says as I shift in his arms so I can press a tissue to my nose. “We don’t want to upset Charlotte, do we?”
We’re in the hospital. I asked Brian to drive me straight here after I’d visited the care home. I was terrified of leaving Charlotte alone in case she died too.
“There’s nothing you could have done,” Brian says as he helps me into the chair next to Charlotte’s bed and presses a box of tissues into my lap. “It was too sudden, Mary said.”
She said the same to me. One minute, Mum was right as rain, shuffling her way from the dining room to her bedroom with Mary at her side, propping up her elbow, and the next she was a crumpled heap on the floor. “She just collapsed,” Mary said. “There were no signs, no warning at all; she just went.” A doctor was called, but even though he arrived within ten minutes, it was too late. She’d already gone.
I couldn’t, wouldn’t believe it. Mum was lying on her duvet in her gray tweed skirt, white blouse, and beige cardigan. When I gently stroked her cheek, I was shocked to find she was still warm.
“Quick!” I stared up at Mary. “Get the doctor back. There’s been a mistake. She’s still warm.” I stood up and put a hand on my mother’s chest. “Do you know CPR? It might not be too late.”
“Sue.” Mary put a hand on my shoulder, her voice a whisper. “She’s dead. I’m sorry.”
“But…” I looked at Mum’s cheek, expecting it to twitch in her sleep, to see a thin line of drool winding its way down from her open mouth to her jaw, but I saw nothing. She was utterly still. That’s when I accepted that she was dead. Not because her mouth was closed and her hands were crossed over her chest, but because the room was too still, too quiet, even with Mary and I talking. Mum wasn’t snoring. I’d never seen her so peaceful before.
“She’ll be warm for a little while longer,” Mary said softly. “They don’t go cold until about eight hours after they’ve passed.”
“Can I hold her hand?”
She nodded her head, and I lifted my mother’s hand from the duvet, cradling its sparrow’s weight.
“I’ll leave you alone,” Mary said. “I’ll be in the office if there’s anything you need.” And then she was gone.
I don’t know how long I stayed in that room—ten minutes or ten hours—but it wasn’t long enough. Even after I’d said my good-byes, even after I’d told Mum everything I wished I’d told her when she was alive, even after I’d run out of things to say and sat there with my head nestled into her side, her hand still in mine, it still wasn’t enough time. I wanted to stay there forever, because I knew the second I stepped out of that tiny eight-by-six room that I’d never see her again.
At some point, Mary appeared with a cup of tea. She pressed it, wordlessly, into my hands and made to move off, but I called after her.
“Yes?” She turned back.
“She didn’t have any visitors, did she? Mother. Her…nephew didn’t come back after the last time?”
She shook her head. “Your mother hasn’t had any visitors since you were last here. Were you expecting someone?”
Relief flooded through me. “No. No one.”
***
“Have you told her?” Brian presses a polystyrene cup of tea into my hands and glances at Charlotte. “About her Nan?”
“No.” I take a sip of my boiling tea, my eyes on my daughter’s sleeping face. “I want her to wake up thinking the world is a beautiful, safe place, not somewhere dark and sad.”
“It’s not all darkness and sadness,” Brian says, “though I understand why you’d say that, given what’s happened, but the world doesn’t have to be…”
I stop listening. Charlotte’s too afraid to wake up. I know she is. I’ve felt sure ever since I was told about the accident, and now I know why. I was so close to finding out more about her blackmailer last night, but then Mary rang and I sped off in my car, leaving Keisha peering out through the front room blinds. I couldn’t tell if she was relieved I was leaving or scared.
I’ve texted her four times since I left yesterday and called twice, but I haven’t had a reply. I tried again, about five minutes ago, but her phone went straight to voice mail. I’m sure there’s a rational explanation—the heel, an extended trip to the emergency room, changing her mind about going to the police—but it doesn’t matter which excuse I feed myself. I still can’t unknot the tight twist in my stomach. Something’s happened. Something terrible.
“What’s up?”
I jump at the sound of Brian’s voice.
“You’re not still blaming yourself for what happened to your mum, are you?”
I shake my head, but I’m astonished at how insightful he can be. Right sentiment, wrong person.
“I need to go,” I say. “There’s something very important I need to do.”
Brian nods and reaches for his newspaper. “Your mum would be proud of you, Sue.”
***
“And you’re quite sure?” I say into the phone as I park outside Keisha’s flat and turn off the engine. “You’re quite sure that’s she’s gone to Ireland?”
“You tell me.” Danny sounds irritated. “You were the last one to see her. What the hell did you say?”
I can’t work out if he’s genuinely concerned or worried that I told her about his infidelity with the blond.
“Nothing.”
“You promised me, Sue. When I gave you Keisha’s address, you promised me you wouldn’t say anything.”
“I know, and I didn’t.” And not because of any misplaced sense of loyalty to him. “How did she sound the last time you spoke to her?”
“We didn’t speak. She texted about midnight last night to say she was going back to Ireland for a bit because she was homesick. I was asleep and didn’t get the message until this morning. I tried ringing her but she wouldn’t pick up. I’ve rung three more times since…” He tails off. “I’ve tried the bar manager, her mates, and her flatmate, but no one knows anything. None of them have seen her since you did. Are you sure you didn’t accidentally let something slip?”
“No.” It comes out curter than I meant it to. “You weren’t even mentioned, Danny.”
That’s a lie, but I’m not about to tell him why Keisha mentioned his name or what it was in reference to.
There are no lights on in her flat and the blinds in the living room are still drawn. I crouch down, holding onto the flower pot by the front door for support, and peer through the letter box. The concrete makes my knees ache.
“But—” Danny says.
“I’m sure she’ll be in touch,” I reply as a shadow crosses the hallway and my heart leaps with relief. “And if I hear from her, I’ll let you know.”
“Will you?” He sounds genuinely desperate. “I’d appreciate that.”
I tuck my phone back into my handbag and peer through the stained glass panels in the door.
“Keisha?” I knock heavily. “Keisha, it’s Sue again.”
There’s no reply.
I wait a few seconds then knock again. I’m just about to duck down and shout through the letter box when the door opens an inch and a face I don’t recognize peers out at me.
“Hello?” says a woman with a violent red bob and a blunt fringe, and I immediately recognize her from the photograph in the front room. She stares up at me with big, critical green eyes, her long tangerine-colored fingernails wrapped around the door. “Can I help you?”
“You must be Keisha’s flatmate?” I glance into the hallway. “Is she in?”
She shakes her head. “She’s gone.”
I detect something unusual about her accent, an intonation that isn’t English. Polish perhaps. “Do you know where?”
“Ireland.”
Maybe Danny was right. Maybe she has pulled a disappearing act. “Do you know when she left?”
Her flatmate shakes her head. “No. She left a note. On the fridge. It just says ‘Gone to Dublin,’ that’s it.”
“Would you mind if I popped into her room before I go?” I say as a thought strikes me. “I lent her a book that I need back quite urgently.”
She gives me a look. “You tell me the name. I find it.”
“Well, the thing is, I also need…” I don’t know what to say. I need to see Keisha’s room. I don’t know what I’m expecting to see, but no matter how many people tell me she’s gone back to Ireland, I can’t shake the feeling that something has happened to her. “…to look for another book,” I finish weakly. “There was one she recommended to me but I can’t remember the title. She did describe it to me though, so I’m sure I’ll be able to find it really easily. I’ll be in and out in less than a minute, I swear.”
The flatmate looks me up and down. “Who are you?”
“Sue. Sue Jackson.”
She shakes her head and closes the door ever so slightly. “Keisha never mentioned you before.”
“That’s because we’ve only recently become friends. She knows my daughter better. Charlotte, perhaps you’ve met her?”
“Charlotte?” Her face lights up. “Pretty Charlotte who got hit by a bus?”
“Yes,” I say. “That’s my daughter.”
“Oh gosh.” Compassion floods her face and she throws the door open wide. “Of course you must come in. Anything I can do to help, you let me know.”
***
On first glance, Keisha’s room doesn’t look all that dissimilar from Charlotte’s. There are photos of half-naked men on the walls, the chest of drawers is crowded with perfume bottles, hair products, and makeup, and clothes are strewn over every available surface. Unlike Charlotte’s room, there’s a clothes horse in the corner, decorated with drying lingerie—bras, underwear, corsets, garters—in every conceivable fabric, color, and cut. It makes my drawer of M&S five packs and lace-trimmed black and white bras look positively pensionable.
“She’s so messy,” her flatmate, who introduced herself as Ester five minutes ago, comments from behind me. “She never do the washing up, always leaving cups and plates in living room, but I like live with her.”
Keisha’s room looks like an explosion in a clothes factory, but there’s a suitcase and several overnight-type bags stuffed on the top of the wardrobe and her hairbrush, deodorant can, perfume bottles, and black satin makeup bag—with pencils, lipsticks, and concealers spilling out—are fighting for space on the top of her chest of drawers.
I look at Ester. “Is her toothbrush still in the bathroom?”
She raises her eyebrows. “You want to borrow that too?”
“No, but it doesn’t look like Keisha has packed anything for her trip home, and I was wondering if she left her toothbrush too.”
The look on Ester’s face changes from bemused to worried. “I check the bathroom.”
While she’s gone, I step through the magazines, bills, bank statements, and clothing on the floor and approach her chest of drawers. I glance back toward the hallway then yank open the top drawer. More paperwork and bills. I slide them to one side and discover a rabbit-shaped vibrator, several tangled necklaces, a broken watch, and a pair of hair straighteners. I feel like a burglar ransacking her things but I need to…ah! I swoop down on something maroon and leathered, peeping out from beneath an old Christmas card.
“What you doing?” Ester stares at me from the doorway, a blue toothbrush in her hand, a horrified expression on her face.
“It’s Keisha’s passport.” I pull the book from the drawer and flick through it, looking for the date stamp and photo, then hold it toward Ester. “Look, it doesn’t expire for three years. How would she get back to Ireland without it? You can’t get in with just a driver’s license these days.”
“But…” She shakes her head. “Why say she go home in her note?”
“I don’t know.” I look at the toothbrush in her hand. “But wherever she did go, she went there in a hurry.”