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"Penny."
In that strange place between awake and asleep, Penny shifted on the mattress, turning to hug a pillow close. "Shh. I just got the baby back to sleep."
"Baby? What...?"
Gabe's question jerked Penny up. She rolled to the edge of the bed and blinked in the harsh overhead light. "Is he awake again?"
From his place in the doorway Gabe drew his hand down the length of his face. "Penny, why are you sleeping in here?"
"Bradley was crying earlier, I hope he's just teething, but..." Penny stopped and looked around the room. No baby, no crib, no rocker, just trophies, dust, and memories. She dropped her head into her hands as a wave of reality capsized her dream world. Her shoulders shook in silent sobs as she rocked back and forth. Not teething...dead.
The mattress dipped when Gabe sat beside her and gathered her into his arms. "Sweetheart, you've got to stop this."
She leaned into his embrace, more tired than she ever imagined she could be, her voice as empty as her heart. "Stop? How can I stop loving my baby? I miss him so much."
"I'm not asking you to stop loving him." Gabe paused and held her away so that they were eye to eye. When she focused on his face, the pain she saw reflected in his expression almost made her flinch. She closed her eyes, determined to believe that no one could share the depth of her anguish.
Gabe shook her shoulders. "Penny, look at me. This isn't healthy." He smoothed the hair from her face, his voice a whisper when he continued. "You're killing yourself a day at a time. We lost Bradley. We both have to find a way to live with that, but it feels like I'm losing you too." He gathered her close again and buried his face in her hair. "I can't lose you. I need you. Jared and Joel need you."
The shelter she found in her husband's embrace acted like a candle in a windowless room. Penny rested against him, content when the shadows of grief retreated to the darkened corners of her soul, if only for a little while.
"I know you're worried," she said, "and I'm sorry, but I don't know how to fix what's broken. Sometimes my heart hurts so much it scares me." Her voice dropped on a sigh. "I was never made to outlive one of my children."
His hand moved up her back to stroke her hair. "I can't tell you how to grieve, but you have to realize that you aren't going through this alone. You have me and the twins. We can get through this, but we have to work at it together."
Together? Locked in the solitude of her grief, she didn't know what that meant anymore. Shame pricked her. She was almost relieved that Joel and Jared were off in Montana on an archaeological apprenticeship. She was in no shape to be a mother to anyone just now. A moment of rationality made her cringe. And whose fault is that? You spend your days locked in this room. They just graduated, and left. Do you even know what their plans are for the future? The honest no that echoed through her thoughts dragged a fresh sob from her throat. Her husband's arms tightened, and she clung to him like a lifeline. Steady, dependable Gabe.
The comfort of his arms gave her a boldness she hadn't felt in months. "But I'm just so angry." That single acknowledgment opened the flood gates on emotions she'd been unable to express aloud. "Not just angry, furious." She shoved her way out of his arms, stood, and took a few steps away from the bed. "I'm mad at that girl for enticing my son away from his beliefs. I'm mad at Bradley for being foolish and getting himself killed. I'm mad at the judge for denying me what should be mine. I'm mad at myself for so obviously failing my son. I'm mad at God, because I know He could have prevented it all." Penny faced Gabe with her hands on her hips, her rant coming to an end. "And I'm mad at you."
He tilted his head, his tone uncertain. "Why are you mad at me?"
"Because you aren't as mad as I am. I want you to be angry too, but instead you've got this...peacefulness about you. It's like you've forgotten Bradley ever existed. It infuriates me."
"I'm not even going to justify that with a response." He studied her for a few seconds. "I've been angry, and it didn't change a thing." His sigh hung in the air along with her accusation.
"When the scandal of the rape first broke, all I wanted to do was hide." He leaned forward, braced his elbows on his knees, and stared at the floor. "Every place I went I was sure people were whispering about Bradley and what a failure I must be as a father. I mean really, how did my son learn to treat a woman...a girl...like that if he didn't learn it from me? I bought into the whole ugly package; anger, guilt, and shame. So much shame that when you decided you couldn't face our friends at church, I followed you right out the door." He held his hand out to her, dropping it slowly when the gesture went ignored. "I owe you an apology."
"For what?" she snapped.
"For accepting Satan's lies. For not being the husband you needed. For being led instead of leading." He stood and stepped in front of Penny, placing his hands on her shoulders. "But that ends today."
Penny narrowed her eyes. "What do you mean?"
"I've reclaimed my faith. It's time for you to do likewise."
Penny tried to take a step back but found herself held firmly in place. "Faith, smaith. Did you hear what I said? I'm mad at God. It's all religious mumbo jumbo. If there was an ounce of truth to it, our son would still be alive."
"I'm not going to accept that nonsense any more than God will. We had a deal. I let you slide out of your promise to go back to church with me last week. I knew you were anxious about the hearing, and I didn't want to put any more on your plate. I was wrong. Starting today, its Joshua 24:15 for me."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."
She shook free. "You can't force me—"
"You're absolutely right. I can't force you to do anything you don't want to do, but you gave me your word, and you've never lied to me. Do you plan to start now?"
Penny crossed her arms. "It's a waste of time. There's nothing there for me."
Gabe's expression was just as militant as her posture. "Maybe not. I know I can't give you peace or the answers you so desperately need, but I can put you in a place where you can find them." He stopped to look around Bradley's room. "Because I promise you that you won't find them here. I've got a new church picked out for us this morning. Now go get dressed."
***
SUNDAY MORNINGS AT Sabor's Faith Tabernacle began with fellowship and ended with prayer. The members of the congregation bridged the gap between start and finish with Sunday school, an exuberant session of praise and worship, and a timely and always thought-provoking sermon from Pastor Robbins.
Scottlyn made the transition from Sunday school to the sanctuary. She took the long away around, avoiding the nursery. Mercie was in a clingy stage. If she saw her mother between services, the baby would make life miserable for the nursery volunteers. Each parent had a number, and if their child needed special attention during service, that number would be discreetly displayed on the projection screen behind the pastor's head.
She hurried up the aisle to take a seat next to Diana. Her gaze found the back of Grant's head and, as if by some sixth sense, he glanced in her direction. Scottlyn met his gaze head on. He ducked, but not in time to hide the red that stained the tips of his ears. Good, I hope he spends the next hour squirming in his seat. It would be a just reward for the night she'd spent tossing and turning, trying to decide if their future was dead before it even got started.
The praise and worship team took their places on the platform, and the congregation scrambled to their feet as the piano struck the first notes of the opening chorus. From the pocket of her jeans Scottlyn felt the vibration of an incoming text message. She pulled it free for a quick glance.
I'm having the baby. Can U come?
Liz. Scottlyn took a deep breath. Diana's car was in the shop, so they'd ridden together this morning. Leaving now would mean Diana missed service as well, but she'd made a promise to the younger girl and she wouldn't break it. She nudged Diana's arm and held the phone up so she could read the message.
"I have to go."
"Of course you do. Just give me a few seconds to write my tithe check and drop it in the offering. I'll meet you at the nursery."
Scottlyn nodded, scooted out of the pew, and left to claim her daughter. She leaned over the half door and watched as Mercie wrapped a stuffed monkey in a baby blanket. "What you got there, baby girl?"
Mercie scrambled to her feet, monkey forgotten. "Mama!" She ran to the door on her stubby legs and held up her hands. "Mama, up."
Hailey Bowan was serving dungeon duty for the morning service. She faced Scottlyn with her hands on her hips. "Now you've done it."
"That's OK. I'm here to pick her up. We have to cut the morning short."
Mercie bounced in place while the door was unlocked. Hailey picked her up, moving a few steps back so Scottlyn could get the door open without knocking the excited toddler to the floor. The baby strained out of Hailey's arms trying to reach her mother.
Scottlyn pulled her into her arms and dropped a kiss on the top of her head. "Mama missed you."
Mercie snuggled her head on Scottlyn's shoulder, stuck a thumb in her mouth, and patted her mother's back with her free hand. "Home?"
Scottlyn laughed. "Yes, we're going home just as soon as your grandma gets here."
"I'm here."
Scottlyn turned back to the door to find Diana waiting. "I'm so sorry you have to miss service because of me."
Diana shook her head. "I'll survive. Babies take precedence."
"Who's having a baby?" Hailey asked.
Scottlyn snagged Mercie's diaper bag off the hook on the wall. "One of the girls at the shelter. She's giving her son up for adoption and asked me to be there for moral support."
Hailey shook her head, sympathy evident on her face. "That's got to be tough. She's lucky to have a friend like you. I'll be praying."
"Thanks." Scottlyn bundled Mercie close and left the nursery with Diana at her side. "I hate to take the car and leave you guys without transportation for the rest of the day."
"We'll be fine." Diana said. She held the heavy glass door open, allowing Scottlyn to lead the way to the parking lot.
Scottlyn stopped short just outside the door. Bradley's parents stood on the other side of the covered drive.
"You!"
The single word spewed from Penny Nelson's mouth as she took a surprised step back. Her expression twisted with visible rage. Her nostrils flared and her eyes went wide. Scottlyn knew the woman's formidable temper was about to erupt. She tried to take a step forward and found her feet glued to the pavement. She felt Diana's hand on her back.
"Mr. and Mrs. Nelson, we were just leaving."
Bradley's mother broke the standoff. "I've no doubt of that. I'm sure you were told to get out. A murderous slut and her...her keeper."
Mr. Nelson put a hand on his wife's shoulder. "Penny."
She shook it off. "You've got no business in the house of God." Her gaze traveled to Mercie and in a heartbeat morphed from fury to longing. "And you have no business raising that child. I'm not done. It's just a matter of time before I can convince a judge that she belongs with me."
The woman's venomous words lent steel to Scottlyn's back and shoulders. She straightened. "You're pathetic." The words left her mouth without thought, and something in her conscience pricked her. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that, and this isn't the time or place for a confrontation." She took a deep breath and leveled her gaze at her nemesis. "I never wanted to take sides against you or anyone else, but since you've drawn the battle lines, you should know that it won't be an easy fight. And that's a shame. It would have never crossed my mind to hold you responsible for your son's actions. If you had asked to be a part of Mercie's life..." She shrugged and allowed her words to dwindle away. She hitched the strap of the diaper bag up on her shoulder and tightened her arms around her daughter as the baby began to fuss, obviously distressed at the loud words. "Just stay away from us, please. I'll get a restraining order if I have to."
She jerked her head toward the parking lot where her Rav4 waited, trusting Diana would follow. A scuffle behind her caused her to turn.
Penny Nelson struggled against the restraining hands of her husband, doing all she could to lunge in Scottlyn's direction. "Don't you walk away from me! And don't you dare feel sorry for me. I don't need sympathy from a tramp like you."
Scottlyn turned her back without answering, crossed the road to the car, and used the remote to unlock the doors. The car seat was on the passenger side. She handed the baby over to Diana and scrambled into her seat. Her hands shook as she pulled the door closed. Penny Nelson's tirade and the word "slut" filtered through the windows and rang in her ears.