Rachel dreamed that she was being chased down the corridor with the Zigler clients throwing cheese graters at her. She was definitely obsessing about work but she couldn’t stop now. Not till she was sure she’d designed something really special. So for the third week straight, she dragged herself out of bed before the sun was up, mainlined her coffee and went to the office.
James was already there. ‘Morning, sir,’ he said, looking up from his drawings when he noticed her in the doorway. ‘Is today the day? Today has to be the day.’
He’d asked her if she was finished every day for the past week. Every day she said yes, nearly. Her building was like a mirage in the desert. She never seemed to get any closer. ‘Yep, nearly,’ she said, and went to her desk.
He followed her to her office. ‘C’mon, Rachel, can’t I see? I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.’
‘I don’t want to see yours.’
‘You’ve already seen mine, but I’m talking about the drawings. Please? I’ll see it eventually, when you show Ed and the clients. I don’t know why you’re always so secretive.’
‘Ha! That’s the pot calling the kettle black.’ That came out harsher than she wanted.
He looked confused. ‘But I always show you my drawings.’
‘I’m not talking about your drawings.’
‘What then?’
‘You know.’ She hadn’t forgotten about the party. That cosy little conversation with Sarah that she was obviously not welcome to join. ‘I mean you and Sarah at the party. Care to elaborate on why you were whispering every time I saw you?’
His eyes flicked to hers and then away again. ‘We were just catching up. Why, does it bother you?’
She didn’t want to answer that question, even to herself. ‘I don’t care. It was just rude to monopolise her like that.’
‘I wasn’t monopolising her. I was talking to the guest of honour. It was her birthday, remember?’
True, but there was definitely something else going on. ‘It doesn’t matter to me what you and my housemate talk about. You’re adults.’
‘If it bothers you, Rach—’
‘Oh for fuck’s sake, you’re bothering me!’
He kept watching her till she looked away. She heard him leave a few seconds later.
Now her mood was completely ruined. Her drawings were none of his business. Any more than his conversation with Sarah was hers …
‘Rachel?’
Why couldn’t he just stay in his office?
‘I thought I should tell you that I’m meeting Sarah tonight for a drink.’
She kept her eyes on her pens. ‘Oh? That’s nice. Have fun.’
‘It’s nothing serious, just a drink.’
‘Mmm hmm, okay.’
‘Are you okay with that?’
Finally she looked up. ‘Yes, James, I’m okay with it. You don’t need my permission to have a drink with my friend if you want to. Have fun.’
‘Are you being facetious?’
‘God, you’re annoying. You’re a big boy. Do what you like.’
‘Because if you’re not okay—’
‘Will you go back to work?!’
‘Just thought you should know,’ he mumbled as he left.
So that’s why they were so secretive at the party. They weren’t talking about her. Quite the opposite, actually. She hadn’t figured into their thinking at all.
She laid down her pen as an uncomfortable prickling feeling crept up her neck. Did drinks with Sarah mean polite, platonic, definitely friend-zone drinks? Or mild, platonic flirting? Or … clothing-optional?
She could imagine how their conversation went. James would do that thing where he tipped his head down to look at you like James McAvoy did in the films. Then he’d be all stammery when he suggested going for a drink some time, staring at her with big hopeful eyes until she said yes out of sheer pity.
Sarah was definitely too kind sometimes. Of course she was just being kind. She wasn’t interested in him like that. Especially when she knew exactly why Rachel had dumped him in the first place.
She had liked James’s ambition when they first met. It matched hers. The late nights in the office were fun. Junior architects united in solidarity for the cause.
But that was before they had other ways to spend their time. Once they started kissing, Rachel got better at the whole work/life balance.
Not James though.
He did nothing to fit a relationship into his work schedule. The late nights continued. He made and cancelled weekend plans.
She never thought she’d feel jealous of a job. But that was his first love. She felt like a distant second best.
They did talk about it, till they were both sick of hearing her. He’d make an effort for a week or two before slipping back into his routine.
It got so she could tell when she was about to be stood up. Name that excuse in three notes …
‘Hi Rach, I’m really sorry but—’
‘You know what?’ she finally said on yet another Saturday that he’d spent in the office. ‘Don’t bother.’
‘Huh?’
‘With whatever excuse you were going to say.’
‘It’s not an excuse. I really do have to—’
‘Work. I know. You go ahead and work. Work all you want. I’m done.’
‘Can we meet later? I should be finished by ten.’
‘I said I’m done.’ Her voice hitched. ‘You work.’
‘No, I’ll leave now. I can be with you in half an hour.’
‘It’s too late.’ She was sobbing now. ‘A year’s enough, don’t you think? If you haven’t got it through your head by now, you’re never going to.’
‘You can’t just end it like this, Rachel.’ He sounded panicked. ‘We’re friends.’
‘Right, James. We’re friends. That’s exactly what we are.’
She rang in sick for the rest of that week and bawled till she thought her heart would split. Catherine and Sarah, their shoulders sodden with tears, kept her distracted with girl power DVDs.
James rang about ten times a day but she never took his calls. The tiny bit of self-esteem she’d salvaged told her not to.
But he didn’t give up. When she returned to work, red-eyed but resolved, he wanted to know if she was all right.
‘I’m fine,’ she lied, knowing that eventually she would be. ‘But I don’t want to be around you right now.’ She could take his aloofness. She could even take his anger (if he’d had any). It was his worry and compassion she couldn’t handle.
Now he was probably sitting in his office thinking she was upset about him and Sarah. She wasn’t about to let him play the bigger person again.
She strode over. ‘James, I might have given you the impression before that I’m not happy about you going out with Sarah. I am. Happy. Thrilled,’ she added for good measure, though that might have been overkill.
‘If you mean that then thanks. I really enjoyed talking to her. She’s funny! Why didn’t I know she was so funny?’
‘Maybe you should take her to a comedy club then. She’d enjoy that.’
‘We’re meeting for drinks at Gordon’s. She’s never been there and I thought she’d like it. What do you think?’
What did she think? She thought it showed a remarkable lack of originality considering she and James had gone there at least half a dozen times. ‘Well I always liked it, so yes, I’m sure she will. Maybe I’ll take Thomas there. He’d probably like it too. Not tonight though, obviously.’
‘Does that mean things are going well with Thomas?’
She couldn’t read the look that crossed his face. ‘Oh yeah, things are great with him.’ Except that she hadn’t heard from him recently. ‘Joining that website was such a good move, don’t you think?’
‘Well, I haven’t really used it much, to be honest, after that first date.’
‘Oh that’s riiight. The woman you slept with. Whatever happened to her?’ she asked sweetly.
Again that inscrutable expression. ‘She blew me out. And after I busted some of my best moves on her, too.’
Rachel’s hand flew in front of her eyes. ‘Please, James, I don’t need details. I’ll never be able to unhear them.’
‘I mean dancing, Rach. I took her out to a club.’
‘You did not! James, you’ve never danced in your life. What has happened to you?’
‘I’ll have you know that I’m a decent dancer.’
‘Then why did you never take me out? I love to dance.’
‘I didn’t know it was important until you mentioned it on the assessment form. But you were right. Women do find it sexy. I’m irresistible when I’m gettin’ down with my bad self.’
He started trying to twerk around the room.
‘Oh God, no James!’ She put up both hands this time.
‘Anyway,’ he continued, sounding winded. ‘I guess I got lucky at the party.’
Her eyes snapped to his. ‘What do you mean by that?’
‘I mean seeing Sarah again. Even though she’s online now, I got to talk to her in the wild.’ When he grinned she wanted to wipe it off his face. ‘Hopefully we’ll be able to snag a table tonight. We’re not meeting till around nine. I have to see my prof first.’
That was an odd thing to say. ‘Which prof?’
‘My mentor, Doctor Hildegaard. He’s looking over the Zigler project with me.’
‘You can’t do that!’ she blurted. ‘It’s cheating.’
‘What are you talking about, Rachel? Cheating on what? This isn’t an exam.’
‘No, but we’re competing against each other. You can’t have help with yours.’
‘You’re using your mother.’
‘I am not! She hasn’t even seen the sketches. Nor will she.’
He stared at her. ‘Why the hell wouldn’t you? She’s one of the best architects in the city. You’re nuts if you don’t use that. Seriously, Rach, this is your career. Use all the tools available to you. I’m saying that as your friend.’
‘I’m not going to cheat. It’s not fair.’
‘I told you, it’s not cheating. It’s called getting ahead. I think you’ve got a screwed-up sense of fair play, but it’s your career. I want this project, Rachel. You know that whoever gets it gets promoted, right?’
‘Why do you think that?’
‘Come on. Ed’s been hinting at it since the meeting. Trust me. Whoever wins the Zigler contract gets the promotion. And the other person …’
He left the sentence hanging in the air. She didn’t need him to finish it. There’d be no prize for coming second.