Sarah didn’t need to read the email to know that Paul and Mary wouldn’t be judging her next bake. Still, when the message came – a polite but unequivocal no thanks from the producer – she felt the searing shame of the audition all over again.
‘You did your best,’ said Robin, glancing up from his phone when she told him she wouldn’t be Mary’s new best friend. Lucy had already rung him twice and now he was texting her. She should just microchip him and be done with it. What did she think he was getting up to with his sisters on a Saturday morning?
They were on the train to Brighton with the rest of London. Never mind that it was the end of March – hardly bikini weather – the sun was shining and everyone was excited about shivering on the windy beach and picking sand out of their sandwiches. Sarah found it a bit tacky there but Sissy loved being by the sea. Add those spinny rides on the pier that’d make her chuck up her candy floss and she was in heaven. She’d nabbed a train seat for herself and was telling the shaven-headed young man sitting beside her all about her plans for the day.
Meanwhile Robin and Sarah stood wedged in the aisle between a girl who kept jabbing her giant handbag into Robin’s back and a man who’d actually fallen asleep standing up. He looked like he might be a Brightonian returning home from a night out in London. Every time the train lurched he swayed dangerously, but kept his footing and his grip on the seat.
How did people do a daily train commute? Sarah would be murderous if she had to stand for hours every day in a carriage that smelled of farts and despair.
‘Thanks, but I didn’t really do my best,’ she told Robin as he waited for Lucy’s text response. ‘I was hung-over when I baked and I screwed up the recipes.’
‘You were hung-over? What’d you do, have a glass of sherry during EastEnders?’
‘I was dancing at a club, if you must know, on a date.’
‘That’s a brilliant idea the night before the audition.’
‘Nice one, Robin. Make me feel even shittier.’
‘So who’s this guy?’
‘Just someone I’ve been seeing for a while.’
‘From that website?’
‘Uh huh.’
She didn’t want to talk about it, and they stood in silence to Brighton.
‘Breakfast!’ Sissy said as they pushed through the turnstiles at the station and followed the crowd to the waterfront.
‘You’ve had breakfast already,’ Robin said. ‘You can’t be hungry already.’
‘What did you have for breakfast?’ she asked him.
‘Just tea. I’m not hungry in the mornings.’
She consulted her watch. ‘It’s ten thirty-three. Past morning. You should eat.’
He grinned. ‘Oh should I? Any idea where?’
‘At a caff.’
‘Mmm hmm. Will this caff serve toast?’
She shrugged.
The problem with having a toast-obsessed sister was that she saw every outing as an opportunity.
‘All right, but we’ll split an order. I mean it, Sissy, we’re splitting it. One piece each.’
‘Fine by me,’ she said, like the whole thing was his idea.
‘This isn’t too bad,’ Sarah said later as they sat huddled together on towels spread over the shingle. It might be ten degrees and blowing a gale but at least it was sunny.
‘Rock paper scissors?’ Robin asked.
‘For what?’ But Sarah knew. ‘Sissy, you don’t seriously want to put your feet in? It’s cold.’
‘Yes I do. Are you coming?’
‘We both will,’ Sarah said. ‘It’s not fair for one of us to get to stay warm and dry. Come on, Robin, don’t keep your sister waiting.’
She rolled up her jeans and stood up.
‘Shit, I’ve got gooseflesh and I haven’t even touched the water yet!’ Robin said.
‘Think how warm the air will feel when we get out.’ She rolled her eyes. That was what their mum always said when she forced them into the freezing sea in Southport … though in fairness, not in March.
‘You’re such a bullshitter,’ he said. ‘All right, Sissy, you asked for it. Let’s go!’
The siblings held hands, with Sissy in the middle, and stepped gingerly over the shingle towards the water. Sissy started to lag behind as they got closer. Sarah and Robin looked at each other over her blonde head, tightened their grip and began to pull her towards the sea.
Anyone listening to her screams would think they were torturing the poor girl … if she wasn’t laughing so much.
‘Oh, oh, that’s cold!’ Sarah shouted as they ploughed together up to their knees into the English Channel.
‘My bollocks are gone,’ Robin wheezed. ‘And they’re not even close to the waterline.’
‘You haven’t had bollocks for years.’
‘Don’t say bollocks,’ said Sissy.
When Sissy’s lips turned a sickly shade of blue they started trying to coax her out of the water. They finally tempted her to shore with the promise of some Brighton rock.
They rubbed themselves warm again, put all their clothes back on and headed for the pier.
Sissy loved the water but the pier was what she’d been waiting for.
Not Sarah. She hated fairground rides. If Sissy wanted to make herself sick, she was on her own. The helter-skelter was about as wild as she could go.
But Sissy wasn’t having fun unless she was about to be sick. So they waited together for one of the up-and-down swirly ones to make sure that Sissy got on all right.
She started screaming as soon as the safety bar came down. This alarmed the man sitting next to her.
‘Hey, Sissy. Sissy!’ Robin shouted, making calming motions with his hands. ‘Tone it down a little, will you?’
‘You’re not the one riding it,’ she said.
‘She’s got you there,’ said Sarah.
The ride started and Sissy’s screams turned to helpless giggles as she swooped and dove round and round. She loved it.
They put her on every wild ride on the pier. Each time, she screamed while sitting still and giggled when the ride started moving.
It was late afternoon by the time she showed any sign of tiring. But she wasn’t giving up.
‘One more ride please,’ she said.
‘One more, Sissy. Just one. You choose.’
This time there was another teenager sitting beside her. When Sissy started screaming so did the other girl. They locked eyes and screamed, collapsing against each other in hysterics when the ride began to swoop.
Sarah felt ill just watching her.
So what came next shouldn’t have surprised anyone. Sissy staggered off the ride, waved to Sarah and Robin, and vomited down the back of the woman in front of her.
‘Oh no,’ Robin said.
‘Do you think it was the Brighton rock?’
‘Or the funnel cakes or the fish and chips.’
Sissy was understandably upset. ‘It’s okay,’ Sarah said, finding a serviette in her bag to offer to the woman. ‘I’m so sorry. We’ll pay to have that cleaned.’
But the woman shook her head. ‘That’s not necessary. I have children. This top’s had worse than vomit on it.’ She opened her own bag and pulled out another one. ‘Always come prepared to Brighton.’
Sarah wished she had. ‘Come on, Sissy, we need to get you cleaned up. Wait here,’ she said to Robin. ‘We’ll be back.’
They found the ladies’ loos a little way back up the pier. ‘I’ve got mints,’ she told Sissy. ‘You can rinse your mouth, then chew one and rinse again. You’ve got a bit of yuck on yourself. Here.’ She wetted a paper towel and scrubbed Sissy’s jumper. ‘We’ll just wash it out, okay? You can wear it with the wet spot or you can just wear your swimsuit with your jacket over it. Your choice.’
‘Swimsuit.’
‘Okay. I’ll take your jumper.’ She stuffed it in her bag.
Her phone was ringing. James.
‘I have to wee,’ said Sissy.
‘All right, you go. I’m just going to take this outside, okay? I’ll see you in a minute.’
‘Sarah, hi,’ he said over the din. ‘What are you doing? Are you outside?’
‘Yeah, I’m in Brighton with my sister and brother. What’s up?’
‘Not much, just meeting some mates for the football in a little while. Listen, I think we should talk to Rachel soon.’
Just as she feared. It wasn’t a casual social call. ‘Why now? Has she said something to you?’
‘No. That’s the problem. She hasn’t said anything. I think that means it’s bothering her.’
Sarah stared at the growing crowd on the pier. ‘I think so too. She hasn’t said a word to me. If she felt normal about us she’d have been more nosey than this. We usually talk about everything.’
‘That’s what I thought. So we should say something to her, right?’
‘Do you want to do it?’ she asked.
‘You should be there too.’
‘Do I have to?’
‘Well, kind of. She’s your friend.’
Sarah snorted at that. Friends didn’t do things to make other friends jealous.
‘We should do it soon,’ he continued.
‘I guess so,’ she conceded. ‘Given the circumstances. I hate to cut you off but can I ring you later? I’ve got to check on my sister.’
‘Oh sure, sorry to hold you up. Have fun. Talk to you later.’
The knot in her tummy grew as she thought about what was coming. What if Rachel threw a wobbly and accused her of being a bad friend?
Who’d blame her? Sarah already thought it about herself. But like James said, they’d gone too far to stop now.
The ladies’ cubicles were all full and Sissy wasn’t out yet so Sarah waited for her by the sinks. Mothers, children and groups of friends all jostled for space in the long, narrow room. Their voices bounced off the tiled walls. By the time Sarah said, ‘No, you go ahead, I’m just waiting for someone’ for about the twentieth time, she started losing patience.
‘Sissy?’ she called. Her sister could spend ages in the loo. ‘Sissy? Hurry up please. People are waiting.’
‘Sissy?’
She waited for a few more seconds, not wanting to interrupt people in mid-wee.
‘Sissy? Answer me, please!’
Sometimes she could be really awkward. ‘Sissy, this isn’t hide-and-seek.’
She could imagine her holding in her giggles on the other side of one of the doors.
Sighing, she knocked on each one, murmuring ‘Sorry’ at the exclamations from the other side.
None of the voices were her sister’s.
Fear prickled her neck as she hurried outside. What was Sissy wearing? That’s right, her swimsuit top. That was black. Did she have her jacket on or not? Her jacket was white. She scanned the heaving crowd, who all seemed to be dressed in black or white.
‘Sissy!’ She dug out her phone.
‘Robin, is Sissy with you?’
‘She was with you.’
‘I can’t find her. She was in the loo and now she’s gone.’
‘Well she can’t have gone far. I’ll come toward you. Are you near the loo?’
‘Yes, but I need to look for her.’
‘Stay there. I’ll look for her on the way to you, then you can look and I’ll stay by the loo in case she goes back there.’
She could be anywhere, Sarah realised as she hung up and checked the time. She’d thought it had only been a few minutes, but she’d left Sissy in the loo nearly twenty minutes ago. She could be up on the promenade by now, or on the beach. She could be in the water.
What had she been thinking?! It wasn’t like she didn’t know her sister liked to wander off. The staff at Whispering Sands always kept a very close eye on her. How did they do it with a home full of charges? She’d lost one person in a matter of hours.
Robin was hurrying through the crowd. Now he looked scared too.
‘I’m checking towards the front,’ Sarah said. If Sissy was back where the rides were then they’d spot her if she passed. If she wandered off the pier via the entrance though …
Sarah dodged between all the people, rushing back toward the promenade. At least she was wearing jeans and trainers, not some stupid dress and heels that she’d never be able to run in.
‘Sissy!’ she yelled at the top of her voice. It wasn’t the time for restraint.
People caught her eye sympathetically, and parents reached for their children to check they hadn’t wandered off in some sort of mass migration. Like irresponsibility was catching.
She must be out of her mind. What made her think she could look after Sissy full-time when she couldn’t even take her to the loo? If anything happened to her because Sarah had done something as stupid, as trivial, as take a phone call …
Her mum had been right. As well-meaning as she was, Sarah didn’t know how to take care of Sissy, not when she’d never done it before, and her sister was now gaining more independence. She wasn’t a little girl any more.
Then up ahead, between the shoulders of strangers who all seemed so much bigger than her, she glimpsed a head of flyaway blonde hair. ‘Sissy!’
Sissy stopped and looked around, everywhere but in Sarah’s direction.
‘Behind you!’ Sarah shouted.
Slowly Sissy turned, an enormous grin spreading across her face. ‘There you are. You wandered off,’ she said.
‘I did not! You wandered off.’
Sissy shook her head. ‘I was looking for you.’
Sarah hugged her. ‘I was looking for you.’
‘But I was looking first.’
She didn’t want to let go of her sister. ‘Let’s go find Robin. He’s worried. Hold my hand.’
Sissy took her hand and said, ‘In case you get lost again.’
No chance of that, she thought, gripping hard.