By now, you’ve gone from oral sex amateur to authority. Still, you may find yourself needing to perfect your pleasuring pursuits because it feels as though there’s something wanting. In other cases, you — or your partner — may be fielding some issues that are trumping your game.
Whether new to any type of sex or new to a partner, people will often need a few test runs before figuring out the right formula for flawless frolicking. Knowing which blunders to avoid ahead of time can have you presenting yourself as his best blow job queen ever right from the start. Here are the more common ways givers foil their own efforts:
While there are generalities that can be made about human sexuality, the truth of the matter is that we’re all very individual in our preferences, desires, wants, needs, and responses. Every one of us is unique, sexually speaking, so realize that what might have worked for your last guy isn’t going to necessarily work for this one. You have to approach a new partner as a clean slate, testing different moves and discovering what works (and doesn’t) when it comes to upmost pleasuring. You also have to put aside any ego issues in the feedback he gives you as well. He’s hopefully telling you what he likes and needs without sounding critical. Him being able to share in such a way should be seen as a compliment in that he can be open with you and not an indicator of something you’re doing wrong.
Even after you figure out the right formula, you’ll want to change up oral on occasion. Nothing spells sexual disaster like same old, same old. So consider novel ways to spice things up in keeping both of you interested in the oral action. Diversity is key.
While a man’s penis can handle a lot more than it’s usually given credit for, most men are not into teeth. So, unless he’s into the occasional scrape, nick, or bite, avoid letting your canines get in on the action. You can solve this problem by wrapping your lips around your teeth when you go down on your man.
It’s easy to get lost in the focus of your attention, but your lover’s body is covered with erogenous zones that are just dying for some equal attention. So don’t ignore your lover’s nipples, balls, perineum, back of the knees, etc., just to name a few of the favorite parts within arm’s reach.
It is super fun to play with a guy’s balls, but any yanking, hard pulling, grabbing, and squeezing will generally leave them — and him — feeling like they’re getting kicked around. While you’re striving to be the best, this isn’t the World Cup. For most men, this area needs to be handled delicately. So gently tug, rub, or lick them, and check in with him to find out what feels good and just how much more of the same he desires.
You had a tough day at work; you’re feeling blimpy and unsexy from gorging yourself at dinner; you’re wondering when you’ll find the time tomorrow to pick up your dry cleaning … . There could be a million reasons why you’re not into oral. But even if you’re not into the moment, pretend that you are. Make sure that your hands are busy, exaggerate your head movements, make some noise, and pretty soon you may even start to believe your own performance and really get into everything you’re doing.
He’s getting the blow job of his life and wants more. While a pat on the back should involve a nice pat on the head, it definitely should not involve grabbing your head and upping the thrusting action. If he wants it harder or faster, he needs to ask you if you can provide him with more vigorous stimulation, or if you can become even more robust in what you’re doing. Otherwise, you could not only potentially resent how he got carried away, but get hurt. No joke.
According to a 1980 article in Military Medicine, a teen patient had a black and blue blotch in the back of her throat. Her dentist had to ask her father to leave the room before inquiring if she had a boyfriend. As suspected, the oral sex she was performing on him helped to explain why the mass of tissue near her tonsils was so bruised. The only way to avoid situations like these is to make sure he knows how to ask nicely.
Drowning yourself in someone else’s pleasure can be intoxicating. But it’s anything but erotic when you have trouble surfacing for a little air. If you find yourself needing to catch your breath, some quick remedies to the situation include:
Circular breathing is an ancient technique that enables an instrumentalist (clarinet, oboe, saxophone, skin flute, etc.) to maintain airflow (and thus sound) through an instrument for a long period of time via inhalation through the nose. Basically, this technique allows you to inhale while you’re exhaling, with the “exhale” based on your ability to fill the cheeks with air when you start to run low on the oxygen in your lungs and force it out as you inhale. It involves four stages:
Open your throat muscles with a good yawn. Singers will often overcome throat tightness, especially in reaching high notes, by relaxing their strained throat muscles. So go ahead and yawn loudly. This not only allows your breathing to pass through without obstruction, it awakens you. Just be sure to explain to your lover what you’re doing, lest you come off as being rude and bored!
Oral sex should be a stimulating, gratifying, amazing experience for both you and your guy alike. But there are times when concerns can get in the way of your ability to fully embrace oral eroticism. Here are just some of the issues that could be trumping you or your lover’s game …
Am I doing this right? Am I good enough? Do I look ridiculous? How long until we reach orgasm? These are just some of the thoughts that can course through your mind as you’re going down on somebody. If you find yourself caught up in such worries, stop and focus on the action, and make a mental note to talk to your lover later to make sure that none of your concerns are actual issues. You may just need some serious private reflection time where you confront the way you harshly judge yourself. Ask yourself how your line of thinking could be contributing to your sense of inadequacy.
Sadly enough, some lovers do not feel worthy of receiving affection. For whatever past reasons, they’ve been made to feel that their sexual feelings, thoughts, and actions are wrong. Ultimately, their sense of well-being when intimate is compromised and they are helpless to make the changes needed to overcome being their own worst enemies. If this is your story consider consulting with a sex counselor or therapist in figuring out how to get to a better place and address what’s needed from within, from your relationship, or from your partner to help you accept the joys of oral sex.
Hands down one of the biggest concerns — and deterrents — to going down on your partner is fear that your gag reflex will kick in. This is especially true in deep throating situations, where the penis goes as far back as the throat and openings of the windpipe and esophagus. This issue can, with practice, remedy itself, with fellatio becoming easier over time. But what can you do if it doesn’t?
First and foremost, it’s important to stress that your gag reflex isn’t a bad thing. This auto-response to choking is normal; it’s there to keep you breathing and to save your life. Whether it’s due to food, an object, or someone’s penis, your gag reflex is activated when something comes into contact with nerves at the back of your mouth and soft palate. Convulsions and throat constriction ensue, causing your stomach to tighten and lurch, which is why you feel queasy.
When this happens during oral sex, stay cool, calm, and relaxed all over. In avoiding gagging while going down on him in the future, consider practicing any of the following tactics:
During actual fellatio, you can:
You don’t need to take your lover’s entire penis into your mouth. There’s plenty of pleasuring to be had without choking on his member. Even if you’re determined to be a sword swallower, know that it’s okay to take a break on occasion, surfacing to spend more time on the head of the penis or to suck on his scrotum. In any case, use your hand to control his movements and guide the depth of the penis, as well as the speed. You may also want to experiment with various sexual positions in testing shallow penetration preferences.
You’re licking. You’re sucking. You’re flicking. You’re massaging. You’re tired. Whether you have tongue fatigue, neck pains, sore mouth, or the dreaded jaw lock, you’re cramping up and feel like you’ve had your fill of penis. But there’s a partner to be pleasured, and you want to be a trooper. But how do you deal with a mouth losing its motor? Pursue any of the following:
While it is generally assumed that all men are perfectly fine with oral sex, your partner can be afflicted with issues that hold him back from becoming an oral sex enthusiast. If you’re going down on your man and he’s not as into it as you think he should be, don’t take it personally. Here are some of the major issues your guy could be dealing with:
Maybe your guy loves oral sex, but is afraid that his penis isn’t going to cooperate. He fears losing his erection or getting off too early, either of which could be based on past negative experiences. While erectile dysfunction (ED) and premature ejaculation (PE) problems can be physiologically based, they’re often psychologically rooted as well. Issues at hand can include: stress, depression, anger, lack of desire, frustration, distraction, unresolved partner conflict (including those involving exes), death, and not feeling mentally aroused.
The Solution: In avoiding problems with erectile functioning during oral sex, your lover should practice using condoms while masturbating. He should approach his self-pleasuring experience as though he’s with a partner, mentally walking himself through the action. With practice, this will help him in developing his comfort level with a partner, building his confidence and ability to remain erect. This effort, however, needs to be complemented by addressing the emotional issues going on.
His erection (or lack thereof) lets both of you know that he’s not totally comfortable with the sexual situation he’s pursuing or the relationship he’s in. This could be because he has not healed from his last relationship, because he’s afraid of being burned again, or because oral sex is more intimate for him than you expected.
There’s a great deal of vulnerability involved in your partner letting you take his penis into your mouth, even when he trusts you. It can be incredibly hard for your guy to relax and let himself surrender to having his sexual response in the spotlight. He may fear making noise, getting too active, emitting fluid, or simply being the star of the show. This may stem from negative messages he received about sex growing up, messages he was taught about what it means to be a “man” (in other words, always in control), or that he’s not emotionally comfortable with the sex play at hand. Your partner may need more time to get to know you. For some people, it takes weeks and months to feel connected enough to fully enjoy oral sex. So allow yourselves the time, delaying gratification for greater pleasure and easier performance later.
A male can experience premature ejaculation (PE) at any point in his life. It’s mostly psychological in nature, most commonly attributed to anxiety and often occurring during first experiences with sex. The amount of sex you have can also be a factor. The longer the period of time since he last ejaculated, the quicker your man will typically reach orgasm. Some men develop a long-term anxiety toward oral sex, which can cause a prolonged experience with premature ejaculation.
The Solution: Every man develops his own method for dealing with premature ejaculation. Some men use condoms to dull the senses in their penis long enough to avoid premature ejaculation. Some men masturbate before going on a date so that they’ll be less aroused when, and if, they engage in sex. The majority of men with PE learn to control their orgasms and ejaculatory responses by practicing Kegel exercises for males, which work the pelvic floor muscles. This is coupled with a male becoming incredibly familiar with every aspect of his sexual response.
To prevent premature ejaculation, your guy needs to learn to recognize the ejaculation sensations that occur just before he’s about to ejaculate — that “point of inevitability” when he can’t stop his orgasm or ejaculation. The next time you go down on him, have him tune into the sensations, and just as he starts to reach this point, pull back. Stop all stimulation so that his ejaculatory response isn’t triggered. Once he’s “come down” a bit, resume stimulation, stopping again when you’re about to reach that “point of ejaculatory inevitability.” Let him know what you’re doing so that he doesn’t assume that you’re just being a tease.
A big reason for the lack of condom use during fellatio is that some males fear the dulled sensation will cause them to lose their erections.
The Solution: Encourage your guy to practice using condoms while he masturbates, getting used to the process and the sensations experienced with this type of stimulation. He should approach his self-pleasuring experience as though you are performing oral sex on him, mentally picturing the seduction, including the “pause” that’s needed for protection, to your mouth wrapping itself around his shaft to your lips massaging the length of his shaft with every oral thrust. With practice (and getting used to the latex), this will help your guy develop his comfort level for condoms.
Whether as giver or receiver, people have lots of hang-ups about oral sex for a number of different reasons. In some cases, these can make it difficult to relax and let go and experience the “big O.” For others, inhibitions make for an oral phobia, with fellatio viewed as dirty, taboo, or a total turn-off. Some of these can be alleviated in getting to know your partner and feeling comfortable together. A supportive, healthy, loving relationship can do wonders for any oral sex issues. Yet regardless of one’s relationship situation, there are situations that can lend themselves to a strong dislike or disgust of oral sex.
Sex is a head game more than anything, with your pleasuring boiling down to what’s going on between your ears more than what’s happening between your legs. Your mind can play games when it comes to oral efforts, especially if you’ve been raised with negative messages about oral sex as dirty or wrong. Research has found, for example, that negative religious beliefs about oral sex restrain such sexual activity.
Reasons for the need to maintain psychological control during sex vary greatly, and may need to be explored with a certified sex therapist or counselor depending on the issues at hand. In the meantime, if your state of mind is controlling your ability to embrace oral, you need to learn to let go and replace negative thoughts with positive sexual affirmations. For example, your partner can replace an anti-oral thought with, “I deserve this kind of pleasure. It is wonderful and I will let myself succumb to it.” Or, when psyching yourself up to give, you can formulate a mantra for yourself, such as “Oral sex is good for my mind, body, soul, and relationship. I will let it be so.” Practice it on a regular basis.
It’s very common for people — men and women — who have been sexually violated to suffer from sexual repercussions later in life, though this is not the rule. Touch or certain sex acts can trigger memories and sensations resembling the abuse, stirring up feelings that majorly interfere with pleasure. Survivors may avoid or fear sex, see it as an obligation, experience negative feelings with touch, have trouble with arousal or feeling sensation, or feel distance or not be present, among a whole host of other difficulties. The after effects of the trauma include fear, disempowerment, and distress, all of which shut down sexual response and interest. When sexual intimacy is managed, a survivor may experience numbness from unwanted touch. It’s not uncommon for a person to avoid sex or see it as an obligation, which kills any enjoyment to be had.
In healing from this ultimate violation of trust, affection, and privacy, a survivor needs to seek therapy and sexual healing, which involve reconnecting with the body in positive ways, e.g., bubble baths and relearning touch exercises. These activities involve couples sharing love, respect, and appreciation. This process of reclaiming one’s sexuality as pleasurable and positive also involves introspective work, increased awareness of the self and body, developing positive attitudes toward sexuality, and acquiring new skills for touch and sexual sharing. It can take months or years, and is best done under the guidance of a counselor or therapist specializing in supporting survivors.
An aversion is an unconscious, negative physiological and emotional reaction due to a person having had bad experiences with a behavior or extremely unpleasant emotional experience. A person with an aversion has learned to associate those bad experiences or feelings with a task or situation, and, hence, has been conditioned to react at the mere thought of “X” with anxiety, distress, and unhappiness. Aversions can also stem from lovers trying to meet each other’s emotional and sexual needs if this effort is associated with an unpleasant experience. These typically stem from a partner becoming physically and/or emotionally abusive, including putting pressure on a lover, or being very sensitive when a need isn’t met to his or her satisfaction.
Sexual aversion can get to the point that engaging in sex acts one wants to avoid can suppress sexual response or make arousal and orgasm unpleasant when they occur. Symptoms include a fear of engaging in sexual intimacy, attempts to make the sex act as short as possible, trying to find excuses to avoid or postpone sexual intimacy, feeling ill and/or depressed just before or after sex, and needing to build up your confidence before sexual activity just to get through it. The experience is more of a panic attack than anything, with some actually experiencing such during intimacy.
For you or your lover to overcome an aversion, you must break the association of sex with the unpleasant emotional reaction and associate it with a state of relaxation. This begins with learning how to relax when you think about sex. Set aside fifteen minutes a day to sit by yourself, comfortably, and think about the experiences you have had. Notice the feelings that come up. Now, instead of thinking about sex, redirect your thoughts to relaxing experiences, making an attempt to relax different muscle groups in your body. Start from the feet and slowly work your way up, giving yourself time to unwind. Once relaxed, think about sex again, only staying totally relaxed. Don’t think about the specific sex issue causing you distress, but imagine different aspects of sex, like your fantasies, noting your reactions. What acts hold appeal? Which ones do not? Remember to stay relaxed.
Write down what you learned about yourself. Which thoughts made it difficult versus easy to relax? Work through the ones causing you distress in future fifteen-minute timeouts. Eventually, you’ll want to learn how to relax at the thought of oral sex. Your goal is to stop the unpleasant reactions from occurring when presented with the situation. You can do this by relaxing at the thought of it, “extinguishing” the aversive association. Eventually, you’ll want to relax yourself head to toe before an attempt to engage in oral sex. Note the feelings that come up as you relax your way through negative emotions. These may prevent you from “going all the way” all at once and may take more than one attempt. Challenge yourself, but not to the point you’re causing yourself distress. Once you have learned to relax at the thought of oral sex, see what you’re capable of — and only after you and your partner have an understanding that you’re the one in charge.
Knowing the health benefits of oral sex can be a great excuse to get down to business. Sex, in general, is loaded with health and relationship benefits when your interactions with another are positive, informed, and practiced safely. And it’s not simply the sexologists and health advocates who are hailing the wonders of sex. Even economists have claimed that regular sex can bring people as much happiness as would a $50,000/year raise. The more sex, it’s said, the happier the individual.
Oral sex, in a safe context, can be a source of physical, psychological, and spiritual well-being. It can enhance your mind, body, and soul, offering the following:
Despite the wealth of information now available about sex, largely thanks to the Internet, there’s a lot of misinformation out there as well. People have been fed myths about oral sex since their youth, with these misconceptions often impacting their willingness to engage in oral pleasuring, for better or for worse. Preconceptions and myths about oral sex are major deterrents for those who haven’t tried it. The following are some of the most common myths and the real-deal rebuttals:
Myth: You can get pregnant from swallowing ejaculate.
Real Deal: Absolutely not!
Myth: There’s only one easy way to send your partner into bliss.
Real Deal: Every individual is different when it comes to oral sex preferences and what it takes to help them to reach climax. This can also vary from one sex session to the next. The only way to find out how to launch your lover into the cosmos is to ask what’s working — how things feel — during and after sex.
Myth: Rubbing or swallowing ejaculate can clear up acne and menstrual cramps, give you bigger breasts, and whiten your teeth.
Real Deal: Males have been known to come up with some goodies to get their partner to swallow. But all of these fallacies are just that — wrong!
Myth: All men want their partner to swallow.
Real Deal: While some men would really like for their lover to swallow their semen, others are totally indifferent, while others would rather that you not. Find out what your lover’s thoughts are on the matter!
Myth: When you go down on your partner, you run the risk of your partner peeing in your mouth with climax.
Real Deal: This is virtually impossible, but if at some point, you come into contact with your own or your partner’s urine, realize that it’s mostly water and relatively sterile. It’s harmless as long as it doesn’t get into an orifice or wound, as this could transmit infection.
Whether you or your lover find yourselves still troubled by any of these issues, consider consulting a sex educator, counselor, therapist, or coach. Sometimes simply talking to somebody or getting reassurances about your concerns can be liberating. Such services can also help you to counter one of the biggest hang-ups about oral sex: genital perceptions because how people see themselves can hugely impact how much oral they’re up for and just how much they’ll let themselves enjoy it.