“You want to fuck, don’t you?”
“I haven’t even said hello to you yet.”
“You still want to fuck.”
“I want to drink.”
“You want to fuck.”
“Fine, I’ll fuck. But can I have a drink first?”
“No.”
“God. You need it that bad? Ok. I’ll drink afterwards. Let’s go in the back.”
“Here’s your Woodford Reserve, you fucking snob. I could tell you wanted to fuck as soon as you walked in the door.”
“How’s that?”
“I don’t know. I can just feel the vibes. I sound like a goddam hippie or something. Vibes. It’s just a gift I have.”
“Good gift.”
“Yeah. You’d be amazed at how horny everyone is, though. All the time.”
“Everyone?”
She tongued her lips, but only a little. It was subtle, and I like to think she was trying to hold it back, but I’m sure that’s just my ego talking. “Yeah,” she said. “Everyone.”
She went off to be a good bartender, flirting with the boys, persuading them to drink whiskey because “no self-respecting woman wants a man who’ll drink a key-lime martini”.
Virginia and her little bum in those black pants.
“It’s been a boring night. I’m glad you came in.”
I adjusted my imaginary tie. I’m a big dork. “Glad to see me, eh?”
She rolled her eyes. “Don’t flatter yourself. I’d flirt with Hitler if he was here right now. And I’m fucking Jewish.”
A man in Dockers and a black t-shirt walked in and all the way to the other end of the bar, Virginia’s eyes on him the whole way. She growled as he walked by. “Look at those shoulders. They’re so hot it hurts me.”
I thought about eating his liver. “Well, go take his money.”
“Oh, I’ll take more than his money.” She raised her eyebrows, shot me a devilish little smile, and went bouncing down the bar (She’d admitted she knew how to get any guy’s attention. “If they’re too big for me to dance with, I might as well use them for something.”). I watched through stolen glances, a flipbook with pages missing. She was down there long enough for a few more patrons to arrive, although not enough of them to make the place busy.
I drank and fantasized about cutting the meat from that guy’s shoulders and using the bones as a coat hanger. How dare he waltz in here with his muscles and steal Virginia’s attention from me. Sure, I was only after the sex, but there was a bit of pride in there, too. Not to mention a near-rabid libido running wild in my pants. LT was in no mood for this shit. He’d been lying down for too long, and now, again, he was up and ready for some serious fun.
His fun, though, was now at the other end of the bar, running her eyes like naughty hands over this asshole’s shoulders, over the ridges of his muscles, and, unknown to him, down the center line of his abs and down his pants.
This last part is merely the speculation of a jealous and sexually frustrated young man at the end of a stressful day. She was probably content with just the shoulders. But she had a dirty mind, that girl, so you never know.
Right or wrong, I was still pissed off, and I’ve found that when anger is concerned, I’m about as subtle as a Catholic fundamentalist outside an abortion clinic. I might as well carry a placard that says, quite simply and eloquently, “FUCK YOU.” Red letters. Big, red, angry letters.
“Hey there, cranky.”
I couldn’t even look at her.
“Oh, relax. Just because he’s hotter than you doesn’t mean you’re not getting laid tonight.” She laughed, which could have been at me, or herself, or anything, really – I couldn’t tell – and she poured me another drink. “Where’s Adam? Isn’t he supposed to be coming in tonight?”
“Why? You want to fuck him tonight, too?” I tried to make it sound like a joke, like I wasn’t upset at all.
Although she had a terrible wink that looked completely foreign on her face, the scowl she gave me was something she’d obviously been born with. “Maybe I do.” She started to walk away.
“Wait. Don’t go.” Surprisingly, she didn’t. “I’m sorry. I’ve had sort of a rough night so far. That’s all. I don’t mean to be a dick.”
“And I don’t mean to be such a slut. I guess we are what we are, right?”
“Ok, ok. You’re right. I had no right to make it sound you were such a slut.”
“You just don’t want me to stop serving you. I know what you’re up to.” The tone was still there, but at least the scowl had disappeared. And the tone was almost always there, so I was beginning to learn to pay it no mind.
“Damn right I want you to keep serving me. I’m in the mood to get totally fucked.”
“See. I knew you wanted to get fucked.” She adjusted her bra, sneaky wench. “So what was so bad about your night?”
People want to know.
“I can’t even begin to explain it to you.”
“You were at that meeting thing, right? Wasn’t that supposed to be tonight?”
“Yeah, but you weren’t supposed to remember that.”
“I have my moments.” She made a quick scan of the bar, searching for empty tanks. “Hang on a sec. I have to go fuck Shoulders real quick. We’ll continue once I get my pants back on.” She smiled and took the man another drink.
He was definitely hotter than I was. You may have even called him “chiseled”. He had that square jaw thing and a few days’ stubble, a solid smile, and, of course, those damned shoulders.
He was making friendly with Virginia, and she was buying it. Smiling and laughing and flaunting. She was good. But she was quick about it this time.
“So, how was it?” I asked when she got back to me.
“Oh, the sex was great. Much better than his looks would lead you to believe.”
“What do you mean?”
She went into math tutor mode. “Guys who look that good usually suck in bed. It’s because they never have to work for it. Well, that, and because girls nowadays are just too willing to give blow-jobs. Anyway, guys like you are different. You feel like you have to prove yourselves, which means that, most of the time, you’re way better in bed.”
“Wow. I assume you’ve done a lot of research about this.”
“I’ve done enough, yeah. You dick.” She stopped a moment, trying to remember something. And she did. “So. That meeting?”
Damnit. “Right. The meeting. The meeting was, well, just as weird as the first one.”
“You figure out what they’re about yet?”
I thought about what I’d look like carved, grilled, and garnished with a sprig of parsley. And then I thought the same about Virginia. And sure, she would have been great eating, but I didn’t want that for her.
“They’re just a group of people who have been through things sort of like I have.” I lit a cigarette and fooled around with the ash tray, played with the little straw in my drink; anything to avoid eye contact. “Lots of plane wrecks and camping accidents and missing limbs. Lots of interesting stories and tailored suits.”
“That part doesn’t make sense to me. I mean, do only rich people have these accidents?” She was climbing down the ladder, one rung of logic to the next, like she would have with a proof. “And why are they so interested in you?”
I suddenly longed for women with makeup, miniskirts, large breasts and small brains. The thing about these smart women, these women like Virginia, who pay attention and rely on their brains rather than their bodies, is that they figure too much out on their own. These women, they’ll tear you to bits.
“Everyone’s interested in me,” I said. “It’s like when… I mean, when you’re single, nobody wants anything to do with you, but once you have a girlfriend, they rub up on you like cats in heat.”
“Cats in heat. Good one.”
“Thanks.”
“What’s it got to do with your well-dressed friends?” Like an arrow, this girl.
“Well, now that I have this great story, and since I’ve told it on television and everything, people are all over me. Nobody gave a shit before.” I sipped and thought for a moment. “Well, some people cared, I guess. But then I had to eat them.”
“Good thing I don’t care, then. I mean, if that’s what happens to people who really care about you.”
“Yeah. Good thing.”
She shook her head at me. “Well, since you obviously aren’t going to tell me anything interesting about your little meeting, I’m going to go do some work.”
“Thanks for letting me off the hook.”
“Sure. But, just out of curiosity, what do you do to people who just care about Tiny Travis?”
“It’s Little Travis, thank you. And I usually eat them, too. They don’t seem to mind much, though.” Nothing like a cunnilingus joke to brighten your spirits.
“I know it,” she said, and she turned and went back to work.
She went back to work, and it got busy, and I got bored. I didn’t know anyone who came in, although I did get a couple shots from people who knew me. This pseudo-famous thing is all right sometimes. But, shots or not, I was still bored and in no mood to hang around another three hours for closing time.
“What do you mean you’re leaving? I thought you were coming back with me.” It was sort of flattering. She seemed genuinely disappointed.
I told her not to worry, she could stay and fuck Shoulders one more time tonight, and that I’d leave my window open so she could just climb in after work.
“How dare you tell me how many times I can have sex with a man in one night.”
I told her how to get onto the fire escape at my place, and I left. I figured I’d spend the rest of my evening with LT. It had been so long since we’d been able to play together.