I came out of the doctor’s surgery one morning a week or so after my visit to Annie, feeling bewildered and stunned. His words had shocked me so deeply that at first I had struggled to take them in.
‘Because of some injury to your womb when your son was born, it is unlikely that you will easily conceive another child. I’m not saying it is impossible, Mrs Reece, merely that it will take some time for your body to heal, though of course it may do so in time.’
‘I’m not sure what you’re saying …’ I had stared at him in shock. ‘Will I ever be able to give my husband a child?’
‘Miracles do happen, Mrs Reece. You need not give up all hope just yet, but I must warn you there is a strong possibility that you will not conceive again.’
How I managed to answer him I would never know. I was close to tears, my chest painfully tight. Never to have Jack’s child! It was so hurtful that I scarcely knew how to bear the pain. I had never considered the possibility that James’s premature birth had damaged me inside. My doctor had not mentioned anything at the time, and we had all been too relieved that my son was healthy to think about what it had done to me. Now I felt devastated.
I had dreamed of the life I would have with Jack, of the children we would share. How would Jack feel about things? He loved me, but he also loved children. He might never reproach me, but he would feel it – just as Sol had.
Sol loved Margaret, but their marriage was incomplete because they were unable to have a child. I knew that her failure was a festering sore in Margaret’s breast, a wound that would never heal.
Now, for the first time, I began to really understand how she felt.
I walked about for the rest of that day in a kind of daze. I was hurt, bewildered, angry. Richard Gillows had brought on my son’s premature birth by his brutal attack on me. It was almost as if I could hear him laughing, as if he had taken his revenge on me from beyond the grave.
Margaret asked me what was wrong when I had tea with her later. I could not tell her the truth, because I knew it would hurt her almost as much as it was hurting me.
‘I haven’t been able to find Sheila,’ I said to excuse my distress. ‘I keep wondering what is going to happen to Lizzy. I told you Sheila was going to marry an American, didn’t I?’ Margaret nodded. ‘Well, he doesn’t know about her daughter. I’m afraid Sheila might put her in a home or something.’
‘Surely she couldn’t just abandon her own child?’ Margaret looked upset by the idea. She was silent for a moment, thoughtful, then raised her gaze to meet mine. ‘If Sheila doesn’t want Lizzy … we could have her here, Emma.’
‘Would you really let me bring the child here?’
‘Yes, of course. You know I would, Emma.’
We smiled at each other.
‘Then I’ll go to the cafe again tomorrow …’
‘What’s wrong, Emma?’ Pamela asked that evening. ‘You’ve been staring at that slice of bread for the past five minutes.’
We were in the kitchens of the social club. I had kept my secret from Margaret, but suddenly I discovered that silent tears were running down my cheeks. Pamela came to me, putting her arm about my waist and looking at me in concern.
‘Is it bad news, Emma?’
I nodded, fumbled for my handkerchief and blew my nose, telling myself not to be so silly.
‘Not Jack. Nothing like that … it’s just that I’ve been to see a specialist. A doctor … he says I may not be able to have more children because of something that went wrong when James was born. It seems there may be some scarring …’
‘Oh, poor Emma,’ Pamela said, her eyes meeting mine in sympathy and understanding. ‘That’s so upsetting. I know just how you feel. My Tom and me, well, we tried for five years before the war, but it just didn’t happen. I thought about going to the doctor, but Tom said I had to be patient. If it was our destiny not to have children then we had to accept it …’ She sighed. ‘My sister says I’m lucky. She’s got four and it has been a dreadful struggle for her. I wouldn’t have minded just the one though.’ She gave me a squeeze. ‘At least you’ve got your James. You are very lucky, Emma.’
‘Yes.’ I swallowed hard. I knew what she was saying was true. I was lucky in so many ways. ‘Yes, I’ve got James. I know I’m fortunate. I’m sorry you didn’t get your baby, Pam, but perhaps you will when Tom comes home.’
‘Yes, perhaps.’ She smiled but I saw the echoes of my own sadness in her eyes. ‘When Tom comes home …’
I made a determined effort to put my disappointment behind me. I had so much to be thankful for, and it would be wrong to give way to self pity. Besides, the doctor hadn’t said I definitely couldn’t have another baby, only that it was unlikely.
I began spreading margarine on the bread again; then I glanced at Pamela. She was perhaps ten years older than me, in her early thirties, but I liked working with her. She was a pleasant, friendly woman. Until now, our friendship had never gone beyond meeting at the social club, but there was no reason why it shouldn’t.
‘I’m going to take James to the park if it’s fine tomorrow afternoon,’ I said. ‘Would you like to meet me and then come back to the house for tea?’
Pamela glanced up, staring at me in surprise. Her pale skin was slightly flushed but she looked pleased.
‘I would enjoy that, Emma. It’s very kind of you to ask me.’
‘I should enjoy your company,’ I said. ‘And Margaret always loves to have visitors.’
I felt better somehow after that. Doctors weren’t always right. Besides, James thought of Jack as his daddy so perhaps it wouldn’t matter if I couldn’t give Jack a son of his own.
‘You should see what Gwen has done with your father’s shop,’ my mother said when she rang me the next morning. ‘I can’t believe it’s the same place.’
‘Is something wrong?’
‘Oh no,’ she said at once. ‘Quite the opposite. It’s really nice now, Emma. She’s put the spirits behind the counter, and she’s got a corner specially for the children, just where she can keep an eye on them – and she’s just had some lovely cards in, for birthdays and anniversaries. Now she’s started to sell cottons for sewing and embroidery.’
‘We’ve never sold those before.’
‘It’s so nice to go in and have a chat,’ Mum said. ‘And I’m not the only one who thinks so. I was talking to Mary Edwards the other day – Mary Baker as was, you remember her?’
‘Of course I remember Mary. She was always one of my best friends.’
‘Mary asked after you when we met in the shop. She’d popped in to buy a card for someone. We had quite a long talk … she said she hadn’t heard from you for ages.’
‘I always send her a card at Christmas.’
‘That’s hardly enough, Emma. You should make time to see her when you come down next – When are you coming? It’s months since you were here.’
‘I’ve been saving my petrol ration. It isn’t easy to get extra these days. I’ll try to get down again soon, I promise.’
‘I shouldn’t grumble at you, Emma. I know how busy you are. It’s a wonder to me that you have any time for yourself.’
‘I will come soon,’ I promised her. ‘And if you see Mary, tell her I’ll pop in while I’m there.’
‘Good. Mary is a nice person, Emma. She’s got two little girls as you know, and expects her third child this summer. You did know her husband was sent home wounded last winter? Well, he is a worry to her, and she was telling me how difficult it is to buy children’s things in March. She’s not much good at sewing. I told her to buy the material and I’ll make the dresses. She was so pleased. She said she remembered how pretty the dresses I used to make you always looked.’
‘You should start up a business, Mum.’
She laughed. ‘Oh, I wouldn’t want to do that. I’m not like you, Emma, always on the go, thinking of something new to fill your time. You must get your drive from your father. Besides, I don’t want the work. I’m doing it for Mary because I like her. She brings the children to visit sometimes, and it’s nice making little treats for them. I don’t get much chance to do it for your son.’
I was thoughtful after my mother’s phone call. If Mary found it difficult to buy children’s clothes in the town, then others must have the same problem. I would have to talk to Madge about it. She might be interested in stocking a few dresses for young girls this summer.
‘I have enjoyed myself,’ Pamela said as we walked home from the park that afternoon, both of us holding on to one of James’s hands to stop him from darting off somewhere. ‘It was lovely, Emma.’
‘I was glad you were there. James is so excitable, it takes all my time to watch him.’
My son had chased after the ducks at the edge of the pond, patted every stray dog that came within range, and almost fallen in the lake as he reached for his toy yacht, which had gone out a little too far. Nothing out of the usual. He spent so much time at home in the nursery or in our tiny garden, that when he came to the park he went wild. I couldn’t blame him. He still remembered those carefree days of the previous summer when he had roamed the Sussex countryside with Jack.
I was pleased I’d asked Pamela to come to the park and not just to tea. Like most of my friends, she had fallen under my son’s spell and was prepared to spoil him. The chocolate bars she’d bought for him must have taken her sweet rations for the week at least.
We were laughing as we went into the house together. Mrs Rowan gave me a speaking look as she came out to the hall to greet us and take our coats.
‘Mrs Gould is in the parlour,’ she said in an odd tone. ‘There is a person with her …’
‘A visitor?’ Something in the housekeeper’s manner alerted me. ‘Is something wrong, Mrs Rowan?’
‘I’m sure it’s not for me to say, Mrs Reece.’ She sniffed in evident disapproval. ‘Shall I take Master James up to the nursery for you?’
‘Yes, please do.’
I was intrigued. Mrs Rowan quite clearly did not approve of our visitor. Who could it be?
I paused on the threshold of Margaret’s sitting room. A young woman I had never seen before was perched on the edge of the sofa, and a small girl stood beside her. The child was crying, her face stained with tears.
‘Lizzy …’ My heart jerked with fright. Why was Sheila’s child here? ‘What’s wrong? Where is Lizzy’s mother?’
The young woman turned to stare at me. She was wearing rouge and lipstick, but did not look more than sixteen years old. I had a sudden intuition that she must be one of the prostitutes with whom Sheila had lived and worked for a while these past months.
‘You must be Emma,’ she said and stood up. She seemed ill at ease but defiant. ‘I’ve been waiting for you. Sheila said I was to bring the child and this letter – and I was to see you got it yourself.’
‘Where is Sheila?’
‘She’s gone. She went off with her bloke, said she couldn’t look after Lizzy no more and that I was to bring her here.’
I took the rather grubby envelope she offered and slit it open.
‘You still owe me, Emma.’ Sheila had written the letter in a bold, challenging hand.
You said you would help if I asked, so I’m sending Lizzy to you. It’s up to you what you do with her. You can shove her in a home or keep her yourself. As far as I’m concerned, she’s your responsibility now.
Enclosed with the letter was Lizzy’s birth certificate and some margarine coupons.
Having read it twice to be certain I understood fully, I handed the letter to Margaret, then remembered my guest.
‘Sit down, Pam,’ I said, realizing she was still hovering, uncertain of what to do. ‘We’ll soon sort this out and then we’ll have our tea.’ I glanced at the young woman who had brought Lizzy to us. ‘May we offer you something?’
She shook her head, her eyes sharp with suspicion. ‘What are you going to do with the kid?’
‘Lizzy has come to stay with us for a while,’ I replied. I smiled at the little girl, who was still weeping. ‘Are you hungry, darling?’ She nodded and I knelt down on the carpet in front of her, taking her little hands in mine. ‘Would you like a biscuit?’ Her eyes widened in anticipation of such a treat. ‘A nice one with chocolate on it?’
‘Yes …’
‘Yes please,’ the young woman said. ‘You know what your mother said before she went. Be good or the lady won’t keep you.’
I saw the fear in Lizzy’s eyes and was angry.
‘I think you can safely leave Lizzy’s welfare to us now,’ I said, getting to my feet. ‘I’ll show you to the door, Miss … I’m sorry. I don’t know your name.’
‘You don’t need to know it,’ she muttered, glaring at me. ‘All right, I’ll go. I know when I’m not wanted.’
‘It was kind of you to bring Lizzy,’ I replied. I opened my handbag, which lay on the sideboard, took out a pound note and gave it to her. ‘That’s to say thank you for your trouble.’
She stared at the money as if she wanted to refuse, then almost snatched it from my hand. ‘I can find my own way out, and don’t worry. I shan’t steal anything.’
I let her go without replying. She wore her resentment like chainmail. There was no point in trying to get through to her.
‘Well …’ Pamela said as the door closed behind her with a snap. ‘What a rude young woman.’
‘Yes, she was rather,’ Margaret said and handed the letter back to me with a meaningful look. ‘I should keep that somewhere safe, Emma. You may need it one day.’
‘Yes, I had thought that,’ I agreed. ‘We’ll talk later, Margaret. I think we should all have tea now, don’t you?’
‘That is an excellent idea,’ Margaret said. ‘I’ll ring at once.’ She smiled as I sat on the settee and took Lizzy on to my lap. ‘Isn’t this nice? I’ve heard so much about you, Pamela. I’m glad you’ve come to visit us at last. So many visitors in one day. How lucky we are!’
When Mrs Rowan came in answer to the bell, I asked her to bring some orange juice and chocolate biscuits.
‘Lizzy is going to have her tea with us today,’ I said. ‘In half an hour’s time I shall bring her up to the nursery. Perhaps you would tell Nanny? I think James’s last cot will do for Lizzy for a while. We’ll see about a bed when she needs it.’
‘I’m to take it the child will be staying then, madam?’ She looked at Margaret for confirmation.
‘Yes, isn’t that wonderful news?’ Margaret replied. ‘Lizzy will be company for James. I think we are very lucky to have her come to visit us.’
Lizzy was sitting quietly on my knee. She seemed to be watching us with her large, soulful eyes. Although only four, a year younger than James, she was intelligent and I believed she understood she had been abandoned by her mother. Until I arrived, she had been frightened and upset, but now her tears had dried. She knew me well enough not to be apprehensive, perhaps because in the past I had always been the bearer of small gifts.
I was pleased that she had been washed, her hair neatly brushed, and was wearing a new dress. At least Sheila had made her presentable before sending her here. Her letter had appeared hostile at first reading, but I knew it was only Sheila’s way. She had been certain I could not refuse to have the child, yet still too proud to ask. She had sent a friend to deliver Lizzy in a spirit of defiance, but she had known her child would be loved and cared for in this house.
From the gleam in Margaret’s eyes, I knew she was preparing to spoil Lizzy just as she had James. Margaret would have welcomed any motherless child into her home, but there was no doubting that Sheila’s daughter was a charmer. My mother had called her a little beauty, and she was right. Feeling the warmth of her thin body against me, I had to fight the urge to hug and kiss her.
Instinctively, I knew that I had to give Lizzy time to get to know us. She was bound to feel nervous at first, and perhaps a little shy. Hopefully, that apprehension would soon melt away.
I was not sure whether Sheila meant to come back for her daughter one day, but already I was beginning to hope she would go to America with Todd and forget all about us.
I had wanted a daughter so much, and believed I might never be able to have one. Now I had Lizzy. I smiled as I looked across the room into Margaret’s eyes and knew that she was thinking the same thing.
Lizzy would be our child to love and care for. We would share her, making the most of her visit – whether it was for days or years.
James was a little wary when I took Lizzy up to the nursery. He knew her, of course. They had played together at Jane’s party, and met now and then when Sheila and I had had tea together. He listened as I explained that Lizzy’s mother had gone away for a while.
‘Lizzy has come to stay with us,’ I told him. ‘I want you to be a good boy, James. It will be nice for you to have a friend to play with. Perhaps you could show her your toys? She hasn’t got any at the moment. You might find a few she can borrow.’
James was assessing the situation. I could see that he was not too certain he wanted another child in his nursery. He was not sure whether to be pleased or cross. In his heart, I believed he welcomed the arrival of a playmate, yet his instincts were to guard what belonged to him.
‘You have such a lot of toys,’ I said, bending to kiss the top of his head. ‘Be a big boy and share a few of them, darling. Be nice to Lizzy, please?’
‘Not car,’ he said, a mutinous set to his mouth. ‘Lizzy not go in car.’
‘You show her how to build with your blocks,’ I suggested. ‘Tell her what she can play with, James. It is your nursery. You must be nice to Lizzy and look after her. She is your guest, and we should always be polite and nice to guests, shouldn’t we?’
I knew that I was asking a lot of my son. He was a bright, intelligent boy, but still very young, and he had been accustomed to having his own way and being the centre of attention. He would find it difficult to adjust, and yet it would be good for him to learn to share. I had sometimes worried that he was being spoiled too much.
‘Lizzy play with bricks,’ he said, seeming to make up his mind. ‘James show her, Mummy. Mummy go away now.’
‘Go and play with James now,’ I said, letting go of Lizzy’s hand and giving her a little push towards him. ‘Be a good girl, Lizzy. Nanny will look after you. You can ask her for the potty or a drink when you want one. I’ll come and see you in the morning.’
She let go of my hand reluctantly, but as James began to talk to her, very much the master of his domain, I saw that she was fascinated, not just by the toys but also by him.
‘May I have a word with you, Mrs Reece?’
‘Yes, of course, Nanny. Come out to the landing with me. I think they will be all right on their own for a few minutes.’
She followed me outside, her manner a little affronted and clearly disapproving.
‘Am I to understand that the child is to stay here permanently?’
‘Lizzy will be living with us for the time being,’ I replied. ‘I am not yet sure whether it will be permanent.’
‘I don’t know that I can manage both, Mrs Reece. Master James is quite a handful, and the girl … well, we shall see how she turns out.’ She sniffed her disapproval.
‘If it is too much for you I shall have to think about getting help for you, Nanny. But Lizzy is usually a quiet child. And of course, James will be starting school next year. I could think about a nursery place sooner, but I had arranged for him to begin next spring. He will be coming up to six then and …’
‘Oh no,’ she said quickly. ‘Don’t send him to school yet, Mrs Reece. I didn’t mean I couldn’t cope. Just that I wasn’t sure about the girl. How is she to be treated?’
‘As if she were my daughter,’ I replied. ‘Lizzy is a lovely little girl, Nanny. I’ve always thought her good-tempered and obedient. Perhaps too quiet …’
A scream of outrage from the nursery seemed to contradict my words. As Nanny and I both rushed back to the room it was to see Lizzy and James struggling for possession of a rather battered old teddy bear. Nanny moved as though to intervene, but I laid my hand on her arm as Lizzy suddenly let go and turned her attention to the building blocks. James immediately dropped the bear and went over to his pedal car. Lizzy watched for a moment, then inched her way towards the teddy and picked it up, hugging it to her. James had seen her but was apparently unconcerned.
‘It’s probably best to let them settle things between themselves,’ I said to Nanny. ‘James just wants her to understand he is in charge, that this is his territory. I think he will rather enjoy having her here when he gets used to the idea.’
‘We must hope so,’ Nanny replied in a tone that showed she did not believe it for a moment. ‘We must watch and hope for the best, madam.’
Yes,’ I said and smiled at her. ‘But I am sure they will get on very well, Nanny. There is no reason why they shouldn’t, is there?’
She did not say another word, but her manner made it clear that she thought of Lizzy as an unwelcome intrusion into the nursery.
Sol did not take as kindly to Lizzy’s arrival as Margaret had.
‘You’re a fool to let yourself be used, Emma,’ he told me. ‘Sheila will take advantage of you as often as you allow her to get away with it. You and Margaret will become fond of the child, then as like as not, Sheila will take her back.’
‘Yes, I know it could happen,’ I agreed. ‘So does Margaret. We are not fools, Sol, but neither of us wants to put the girl in a home. Even if we could find one that would take her. You know how difficult things are still. They would probably send her abroad somewhere, Canada or Australia.’
‘Well, you and Margaret will have the bother of her,’ Sol said. ‘I never interfere with Margaret in household matters. If you’re both content to have her here, so be it.’
He was obviously wary of the situation, but short of handing Lizzy over to a children’s home, there wasn’t much any of us could do, and he knew that neither Margaret or I would give her up.
My mother put her opinion even more bluntly.
‘Sheila has been jealous of you for a long time, Emma. It was all right when she had the shop, but since then she’s felt resentful that you’ve done so well for yourself.’
‘Yes, I know,’ I said. ‘I’ve been aware of it for a while, Mum, but I’ve always liked her, and she has had a hard time. You can’t deny that, can you?’
‘So did you.’ Mum grimaced. ‘You helped her, gave her plenty of chances. Your father always did say she was a bad lot, and he was right. You mark my words. She’ll let you get fond of the child, then she’ll come and take her away from you. That will give her no end of pleasure!’
‘Lizzy is Sheila’s daughter. If she wants her back, she can have her. But for the moment, both Margaret and I are enjoying having her here. I’m going to give you her measurements and buy some material, so that you can make her a new dress – if you wouldn’t mind?’
‘Of course I don’t,’ Mum said. ‘I’ve always thought Lizzy was a little love – but that doesn’t mean to say that I like her mother. Or that I approve of you taking on Sheila’s daughter.’
I wouldn’t let my mother put Sheila down. I was already becoming fond of Lizzy and I hoped Sheila would leave her with us, but I had to be fair. If Sheila ever asked for her, I would have to let her go.
I had come down to visit my mother, bringing James with me but leaving Lizzy at home with Nanny and Margaret. I left my son playing happily with the cat in Mum’s kitchen and walked into the town to spend some time with my friends.
I called at the butcher’s shop first, and Mary invited me up for a cup of tea in the parlour. Her husband was sitting in a chair by the windows. He looked pale and tired, and I noticed he walked with a pronounced limp as he went out to leave us alone for a while.
‘I heard Joe had been wounded,’ I said. ‘Is he getting over it, Mary?’
‘He will never get over it completely,’ Mary said and sighed. ‘I suppose we’re lucky he came home alive, Emma, but he went through so much. He won’t talk about how bad it was, but I know it must have been awful.’
‘Yes, it must have been. I’m so sorry, Mary. You must find things difficult.’
‘It was terrible at first, but I’m getting used to the nightmares now.’
‘Nightmares …’ She nodded and I saw the worry in her eyes. ‘I didn’t realize it was so bad for you.’
‘Well, at least I’ve got Joe home, and things are all right between us. He hasn’t turned sour the way some men do. You lost Jon so soon. You were only married a few months.’
‘Yes …’ For some reason I didn’t want to tell her about Jack. ‘Mum was telling me you were finding it difficult to buy children’s things. I’m going to talk to Madge about stocking a few lines. What is it that you can’t buy in town, Mary?’
Mary started talking about the price of children’s clothes, and how difficult it was to buy a pretty dress that didn’t cost the earth. When I left her to visit Madge Henty, I had a good idea of what was needed.
Madge was a little hesitant at first.
‘I wouldn’t know what to buy,’ she said.
‘Leave it to me, Madge. I think I know where I can get what we shall need. We’ll try just a few things to start with, and see how we go on. If they don’t sell we needn’t have any more.’
‘Well, you know best, Emma,’ she said. ‘You haven’t gone far wrong yet. The shop earns twice as much as it did before we became partners, and that’s during the war. Goodness knows what you will do given a proper chance. Send me what you like, and I’ll put it out. I can’t say fairer than that.’
We chatted for another half an hour, then I went along the street to Robinsons. Gwen had transformed the shop since my last visit. It had a light, bright, welcoming atmosphere and the shelves were bulging. She had crammed her stock into every inch of space and the business was clearly thriving. I had to wait while she served six customers before she had time to talk to me.
‘I’m glad you’ve come, Emma,’ Gwen said, smiling at me. ‘Would you like to look at the accounts? We’re nicely in the black at last. I’ve been putting every penny back into stock as we agreed, but now the cash is beginning to mount up again. I’ll need to reorder regularly, of course, but I think I’ve gone as far as I can with the space we’ve got.’
‘I shall have to get you a bigger shop,’ I said and laughed. ‘I knew you would do well, Gwen, but I never expected anything like this.’
Gwen smiled. ‘I think we’re more alike than either of us realized, Emma. I’ve taken to this shop keeping like the proverbial duck to water. I always thought I would like it, and I do.’
‘I’m so glad, Gwen. You’ve made a success of the shop, and I’m going to give you a share of the profits. I want to – and you deserve it.’
Gwen looked pleased, more with the praise than any desire to share the profit. But it was only right that both she and my mother should benefit.
I told Gwen about the children’s wear I was going to send Mrs Henty.
‘Yes, I’ve often thought something like that was needed here. You might think about opening another shop after the war, Emma. I could keep an eye on it for you.’
‘I’m not sure what I’m going to be doing by then,’ I said. ‘But it’s a good idea, Gwen. I might be able to set it up for you and Mum before I go away. I should have some money to spare and it would be something you could both share.’
I was thoughtful as I walked back to my mother’s that evening. She was sitting in a rocking chair by the fire, James asleep on her lap. They both looked very contented and I knew a pang of regret.
Mum would miss James and me when we went to America. I wanted to go with Jack, longed for the day when he would come to claim me, but it would be hard to leave Mum and my friends.
She smiled at me.
‘Put the kettle on, love. Bert will be back soon.’
‘All right. Has James been good?’
‘Good as gold. He always is with me.’ She sighed deeply. ‘I’ve been listening to the wireless. Things are going well in Burma. It looks as if the tide is turning everywhere. If the invasion of Europe goes ahead, this year may see the end of the war.’
‘I do hope so, Mum.’
‘So do I, love. There’s been too much killing, too many lives lost. I’ll be glad when the men start to come home – though some of them will never be the same again. You have only to look at Joe Edwards. He’s a shadow of the man he was, Emma.’
I nodded. ‘Yes, I know. He looks so pale and Mary says he has nightmares.’
‘I’m not surprised. Who wouldn’t after what he’s been through? I feel sorry for her, though. I think it’s going to be hard for her – still I suppose there are men in a worse state than Joe.’
I nodded and turned away. I tried not to worry about Jack or what might be happening to him, but sometimes it was impossible. There were moments during the long nights when I felt close to despair, when the doubts plagued me and I believed I would never know true happiness again.
‘Please come back, Jack. Come back soon. I need you so much my darling. I need you so much …’
The words were only in my mind, but I said them over and over again.