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Victoria had just completed her nightly dinner routine that involved cooking the main course, then the vegetable, and eating them on separate plates with separate dinnerware. It entailed extra effort in the cleanup phase, but it was well worth it to avoid the stress of keeping the food items separate on a single plate. She washed, dried, and put away everything before settling with a glass of wine and, hopefully, a phone call from Benjamin. They agreed such calls would happen between seven and nine p.m. to preserve her dinner and sleep routines. Benjamin had accepted that rule with his usual good-natured acquiescence—his understanding of her peculiar needs was one of the many things she loved about him. Of course, if the phone rang at 6:45 pm or 9:30 pm with his callback number displayed, she would pounce on it like a cat on a helpless mouse.
Victoria’s apartment was a small but fashionable one-bedroom, practically across the street from her workplace, the DIA’s Data Analysis Division within the National Intelligence University. It was pricey but affordable on her GS-12 pay since she did not travel and had no family and few interests outside of work. It was great to be home after a ten-minute walk without the stress of Maryland driving or the horror of the DC Metro subway system with its crowds, confined spaces, and the noise and all those people touching you. She had a car, useful on weekend shopping for foodstuffs or, on rare occasions, drives on one of the parkways in the area when the leaves were changing or the cherry blossoms bloomed. The apartment was not spartan but sparsely decorated with books, no knickknacks on the shelves, and just a few impressionist landscapes decorating the off-white painted walls.
Victoria sat at her computer desk to pull up Scholar Google and check for any new data science papers while waiting to see if Benjamin would call tonight. Although work-related, she preferred to do her academic research at home—her system was far faster for Internet searches than her work computer behind the government firewalls and other security protocols. She looked at the two framed pictures on her desk as her computer booted. One was the picture of her and Benjamin on the Mall. The second was Benjamin, alone in the same setting, and he was beautiful. Victoria knew that was the wrong word to use for a man, but it was the most accurate in his case, with his short sandy brown hair mussed by the breeze, the deep azure color of his eyes matching that of the sky, and the delightfully warm smile on his lightly tanned face. It was a treasured artifact from the full day they had together a month ago, the second of their two dates, and as perfect a day as she had ever experienced.
Benjamin was as surprising to Victoria as she was to him. After receiving their first report of the derelict drug vessel last January, Peter had asked her to pull data for a quick brief on Kauai’s command. Samuel Powell’s record was very unusual: the elder child of a wealthy family dropped out of the prestigious Wharton Graduate School to enlist in the Coast Guard? She dug deeper and found an arrest for felony assault with charges dropped a couple of months before he enlisted, the victim now a fugitive from justice believed to be living in Serbia. Interesting. Digging deeper into that man, she found a contemporaneous guilty plea for reckless driving with injury, victim Gabrielle Powell—aha! Samuel’s younger sister. That explained the anomaly of the arrest in an otherwise flawless personal record. Still, the decision to enlist was strange. Quick advancement to chief petty officer, selected for officer candidate school, followed by tours of duty on Coast Guard cutters in Boston, Honolulu, and now Miami, several personal and unit awards.
Benjamin’s record was lean by comparison. He was a mediocre performer at the Coast Guard Academy, had an uneventful tour of duty aboard Coast Guard Cutter Dependable in Little Creek, Virginia, then was assigned to Kauai as second in command. There was something unusual—he had been awarded the Coast Guard Commendation Medal for heroism in saving three lives after a traffic accident. She had noted this with approval and pulled the men’s official photos. They looked like they could be brothers. All official military photos looked the same to her, like instead of “say cheese,” the photographers said, “Now, give us your most menacing scowl!”
Victoria was very excited the next day when Peter included her in the scratch team of agents and technicians deployed to the Florida Keys to process Unmanned Aerial Vehicle data. She enjoyed the challenge of the austere information technology environment, and the Florida Keys were not the worst place to be in the middle of January! After a few days on-site, Peter left Kauai to join the search team ashore, bringing Benjamin. Victoria expected little from the association. She had downloaded a report of Benjamin’s academy project that served as their search strategy and was not impressed, even considering it was undergraduate work. She hoped to avoid engaging in deep technical conversations with him while they were together. Still, there was that medal for bravery, and the day before, he had arrested a dangerous criminal on a boat rigged to explode. She wondered what a hero might be like in person.
The young man who arrived with Peter for the team meeting that first night was nothing like she expected. Some height, but not overly tall, with a slim, athletic build and the most captivating blue eyes she had ever seen. He was not the militaristic buffoon she took him for after reading his personnel file, but a modest, almost shy, and intelligent young man who provided fascinating conversation. She suspected he was attracted to her as well—she had caught glimpses of him looking at her while she worked at her computer during the discussions.
She would have welcomed such attention at one time, but then her self-doubt kicked in again. I like Benjamin, and I must not drive him away by being too clingy. Too clingy. That was what her last love interest had said to end their relationship. She knew she had difficulty reading people’s feelings—it was a fact of life for someone on the autism spectrum. But the thought she could make herself repellent to someone she loved had been emotionally devastating, and she resolved never to make that mistake again. Hence, as attractive as Benjamin was, Victoria was very cautious in revealing her interest in him.
Victoria opened the door to Benjamin at the end of the team meeting, offering some helpful critique on his report he took in stride. She then expressed admiration for his heroism, which he tried to brush off. Victoria supposed there was a military code of modesty that expected such things. It was strange, but she accepted they must have a reason for it. She finally connected with him by asking about his life in the Coast Guard. Among the other exciting elements, she persuaded him to tell how he got his medal—crawling inside a car about to fall off a cliff to pull out an unconscious woman and her two young children! And he was shy talking about that? Why?
After two hours of conversation, mainly Benjamin answering questions and telling anecdotes about his job and himself, Victoria could see the fatigue taking its toll. His descriptions of operations on patrol boats conveyed a general state of sleep deprivation, along with the more exciting aspects. She also noted he had quickly adapted his conversation style to remove the jargon and idioms. Victoria appreciated his thoughtfulness, but realized it required him to put particular effort into almost every sentence. She was sure he was struggling but soldiering on in deference to her, so she offered him a graceful exit.
“You look exhausted, Benjamin. I am tired too. I think it is time we went to bed.”
“What?” Benjamin sputtered, eyes wide.
Oh no! No, no, no! He thinks I am inviting him to have sex with me right now! How could I be so stupid? So clingy?
Fortunately, Peter was still present and came to the rescue. “You’re right, Victoria. Why don’t we all head to our rooms, and we’ll pick it up again in the morning?”
The shock on Benjamin’s face retreated, and the warm and tired smile he had before her blunder returned. Victoria stood and, after going through the motions of checking her computer for progress on the automatic computations, took a chance and gave Benjamin a warm hug. For the first time in a long while, her last thoughts before falling asleep did not focus on mathematical algorithms. As they were saying goodbye the next morning, she to return to Maryland, Benjamin to continue the search with Peter, she took another chance and kissed him on the cheek. The smile he returned made her tingle and gave her hope.
She spoke to him that evening after she had returned to Bethesda, and he had completed the search activity for the day. This time Benjamin was the receiver, and she was talking. It thrilled her he was interested in what she did, and although she suspected he did not quite understand it all, he still seemed to hang on to every word. It was several days before they spoke on the phone again after Benjamin returned home. Something had happened during the mission, but he could not discuss it. Working in the world of classified information and secrets, she understood. However, whatever happened must have been extraordinary, for both he and Samuel received the Coast Guard Medal, a top award for heroism.
They settled into a routine of nightly phone calls whenever Benjamin had the connectivity. They were a welcome distraction at first, becoming an increasingly important part of her day as she got to know him. He was interesting, charming, and funny all at once, and unlike anyone she had ever met, she could discuss anything on her mind with him. Given this, she was puzzled that he was not married or had a steady girlfriend. When she finally asked why that was, he went silent, and she quickly tried to withdraw the question.
“No, it’s OK, Victoria. I’ve asked myself that a few times. The only answer I can come up with is I haven’t met anyone who needed what I could provide.” Then he quickly changed the subject, and she was careful not to raise it again. Benjamin’s answer created a paradox for her. She often could not connect with people she liked and felt much closer to him, knowing he shared this experience of loneliness. On the other hand, it made her even warier of making any “clingy” blunders. It was a specter hanging over their early conversations, fading over time as she became more comfortable with him.
Between the distance and the relentless demands of Benjamin’s job, the conversations were all they had. Benjamin had hoped they could get together when he was close by in Quantico while completing his combat training in February and March, but the short time and large volume of training requirements extended through the weekends. During his course, the only free time allowed was just one evening that served as a somewhat awkward first date and one other full day together, and they seized on those opportunities.
Their first date had been a maelstrom of emotion for Victoria. They had arranged it a week in advance, and Benjamin could only get off for the evening, so they planned for him to pick her up for dinner and return her to her apartment before he had to report back to Quantico. Victoria was terrifically anxious about making a good impression, so much so that she let it slip to Debbie, the office administrative assistant, the next day. Debbie was one of the few people who could see past Victoria’s idiosyncrasies and was the closest thing she had to a good friend. When Victoria confessed her anxiety, the middle-aged woman’s maternal instincts kicked in at once, and she took Victoria shopping for a suitable dress that afternoon.
“I am not sure I like this one. It is not the style I normally wear,” Victoria said as she checked herself in the mirror. The green dress fit snugly and left little to the imagination.
“Trust me, dear.” Debbie smiled admiringly. “The color is perfect with your eyes and hair, and the fit is perfect for everything else. This one will knock him for a loop. And before you ask, yes, that is what you want to do.”
When the big day came, Debbie stopped in to help her get ready. She knew Victoria found the subtleties of makeup particularly challenging. “Dear, you are beautiful without makeup, but this is one of those times when you need to have makeup, but not look like you’re wearing makeup,” Debbie explained. Victoria’s head spun at the contradictions, but decided it was not prudent to overthink the process. The last rub was her hair. She always wore it pulled back, but Debbie insisted it needed to be up.
“Why?” Victoria asked.
“Sweetie, I don’t know how to tell you other than this is a hair-up dress,” Debbie explained.
Victoria deferred to the expert on the subject, which proved to be a sound decision. When she answered the door an hour later to Benjamin’s knock, he stood transfixed with his mouth hanging open. The uncomfortable moment lasted until she asked about the flowers he was holding. “Those flowers are lovely, Benjamin. Are they for me?”
He broke into an embarrassed smile at the question and said, “Yes, they are. Excuse me, please, but you are just so much more beautiful than I expected. I mean, I expected you to be beautiful, but not....” He stopped, took a breath, and said, “You look wonderful, Victoria!”
“Oh, what a nice thing to say!” Victoria replied. This brave, intelligent man reduced to babbling by a dress? OK, now I know what “being knocked for a loop” means. And I like it! “Shall we go?” she said as she took her coat off the hook.
“Yes, indeed,” Benjamin had replied as he helped her put on her coat.
The dinner began a little awkwardly, with Victoria asking the server many questions and giving detailed instructions on how the meal should be cooked. Benjamin simply ordered a steak, cooked medium, which worried her. Does he think I am too obsessive with all these specifications? She was sure he must have noticed after their food arrived when she tried as subtly as possible to separate the various food items on her plate so they would not touch each other. Benjamin did not display any reaction she could observe, but she did not trust her ability to tell. Before long, they were just eating, wrapped up in their usual banter, and her worries faded. It was the same comfortable conversation as their phone calls, with the bonus that he was gazing at her with those lovely blue eyes.
The one tricky part of the evening came at the end when Benjamin asked if he could take her picture. Victoria hated getting photographed. She was always conscious of everything that was not just right with how she looked, and a picture would preserve those flaws in vivid detail forever. However, when he prevailed upon her and explained how much it would mean to him to have this memento, she could not deny it to him. In the end, even she admitted to being pleased with her appearance on seeing the picture on his phone.
Overall, it was a satisfactory first date.
*******************
For the second date, Benjamin had driven up from Quantico early on a Sunday morning and picked her up at her apartment. After a lovely brunch at a Bethesda café, they took the Metro to the Smithsonian. The Metro system was lightly traveled on Sunday mornings, not as terrifying as usual. They had strolled through the National Museum of American History and the West Building of the National Gallery of Art. As they walked along the Mall afterward, Victoria noticed and pointed out a middle-aged man taking their picture. Benjamin took her hand gently off his arm, patted it, and said, “Wait here.” The man looked concerned as Benjamin approached and began the conversation with, “Hello, friend. What are you doing?” After a few moments of quiet discussion, the man began showing his pictures, stopping on one when Benjamin smiled and beckoned to her. “I like this one, and he has agreed to sell me a digital copy. What do you think?” he said, showing her the image that became the picture on her desk.
“I like it, too,” she said.
“Twenty bucks, and I have full rights?” Ben asked the man.
“Certainly. I’ll IM it to you now. Would you like more?”
“Yes,” Victoria interrupted. “I would like one just of him, please.” She recognized the man had an excellent sense of lighting and pose.
“Done. Could you stand over here, please?” he asked Benjamin, who awkwardly complied. The comical expression on Benjamin’s face led her to suppress a laugh—the situation discomforted him for some reason she could not fathom. Finally, the frustrated photographer said, “Relax, man. Think of how much pleasure your girl will get from this.” Benjamin looked at her, she smiled at him and his face thawed. Click! She nodded her approval when the photographer showed her the result. “OK, now how about one of you?”
“No! No, no, no.” She shook her head firmly. What would he do with her image after he had it? The thought of it spreading over the Internet filled her with horror. No wonder Benjamin had been so nervous. I should never have asked him for that. What a clingy thing to do!
“These two will do, thank you,” Benjamin said as he stepped over and gave her a brief hug across her shoulders. He paid the man $40, and they resumed their walk.
After a couple of minutes, she worked up the nerve to tell him. “I dislike strangers taking my picture. That is why I was so upset.”
“You don’t need to explain it to me. I don’t like having my picture taken at all. That’s why I behaved like a doofus when he was lining up mine. He won me over by reminding me it was for you.” Benjamin squeezed her hand, and with palpable relief, she leaned into him and rested her head on his upper arm as they walked. She had never felt this way with anyone and had difficulty identifying the emotion. Safe, that was it. She felt safe when he was with her, despite being in this frighteningly public place with its crowds and noise and disorder. None of the terrors could touch her while he was with her.
They continued their walk for another hour, ending at the Smithsonian Metro station. The ride back was far less peaceful than the ride down. Weekend sightseers crowded both the stations and the trains at this time of day. Their car seemed filled with screaming, unruly children by the second stop, and Victoria could do nothing but face downward with her eyes closed, trying at least to reduce the visual stimulation. She felt the oxygen being depleted in the car, her chest tightening and heart-pounding, despite Benjamin’s presence. Victoria desperately wanted to flee, but was afraid Benjamin would be disappointed in her lack of fortitude. Then there was a spine-tingling child’s shriek, during which her grip on his arm reflexively tightened so much she feared she had caused a bruise. He leaned over at once and whispered, “Look, I’m embarrassed to admit this, but my claustrophobia is getting to me. Do you mind if we jump at the next station and take a cab the rest of the way?”
“No, not at all,” she replied. They rose at the next stop, and Benjamin positioned himself between her and the little demons as they left. A short walk through the station returned them to the sunshine and air one could breathe in safety. They stopped outside the station entrance, and she hugged him and buried her face in his chest.
He stroked her back and said, “Thank you for being so understanding. I can usually keep it together better than that. I don’t know what came over me.”
You are lying, Benjamin. You noticed I was nervous at the station, but you did not want to embarrass me by asking if we should leave. You held out as long as you could without intervening until you saw I was about to break down, and you saved me from that. Now you are worried I will be humiliated, so you are trying to save me from that too. Are you doing this because you feel something for me? Or is it because you are a good and kind man and feel sorry for me? She looked up at him and forced a smile. “That is alright, Benjamin. I am nervous in confined spaces too and was relieved you suggested we step out.”
“No harm done then,” he said with a wink. “It’s been hours since brunch. Would you like to grab dinner here before we get that cab?” He motioned toward an Italian café across the street.
“Yes, I would like that very much.”
“D’accordo, andiamo, la mia bella signora!”
“Do you speak Italian, Benjamin?”
“Only the important words, Victoria.”
The dinner was delicious, and Victoria regained her feeling of complete safety as they rode in the cab back up to Bethesda station, her head resting on Benjamin’s shoulder as he held her close. After the short ride in his car, they were back at her apartment door, and he looked into her eyes tenderly as he held her hands in his. Ask me if you can stay. Please, Benjamin! I do not want this day to end!
“Victoria, I, um....” He gazed longingly at her for a few seconds, then looked down. After another moment, he held her eyes again. “I had a great time today. Thank you.”
“Yes, I did too.” She willed herself not to cry. “I hope I can see you again soon.”
“Yes. Definitely. As soon as possible. Goodnight, Victoria.”
“Goodnight, Benjamin.” She reached up and kissed him fully on the lips. After a few seconds, Victoria pulled back, then stepped inside the apartment and closed the door. She sat on the floor, oblivious to the fact that you are not supposed to sit on the floor, pulled up her legs, and put her chin on her knees. OK, he was just being kind because he felt sorry for me. I will not cry! And then, of course, she cried. About half a minute later, a knock on the door startled her. She stood slowly, reeled to the door, and looked out the peephole. She gasped and fumbled with the lock and wrenched the door open. “Benjamin!”
He stood in the doorway with a serious expression on his face. “Victoria, I’m sorry, but I can’t leave it like this. I want to be with you. I know it’s unfair to lay this on you so late at night and then run out at oh-dark-thirty tomorrow. But after today, I want to have every moment I can with you. If you don’t feel the same, I’ll understand, and I’ll go, but I had to tell you.”
She stepped up to him, put her arms around his neck, and pressed her head onto his chest, listening to his deep breaths and pounding heart while blinking away her tears. After a minute, she hugged him tightly, then took his hand, led him inside, and closed the door.
It was the most perfect of days.
*******************
She almost jumped out of her seat when the phone buzzed on her desk. She checked and made sure it was Benjamin’s number, then waited. It would appear clingy if it seemed like she was waiting by the phone. After the second ring, she waited three seconds, took a deep breath to steady her voice, and punched the “Answer” button. “Hello, Benjamin,” she said calmly.
“Hello, Victoria. How was your day?”
