As I was walking up the steps in my long, blue dress, I remember standing behind the Big Brother Eye and seeing the audience through the tiny gap that was about to open up and reveal me.
I could hear my VT playing and the whole crowd was booing. I remember turning to the right, looking at one of the producers and saying, ‘I’m terrified. They all hate me,’ and he said, ‘You’ll be fine.’
The next minute I heard my name being called by Emma Willis, and the doors opened to thousands of people and cameras flashing and screaming at me. These weren’t good screams, though. People were not keen.
It’s fair to say I wasn’t mentally prepared for everything that was coming my way. A lot had gone on over the past couple of years – I was still coming to terms with all the heartache I’d gone through with The Dip, and Jordan’s fibs hadn’t exactly helped heal those wounds. By now, I was getting a lot of attention, both positive and negative, on social media and sometimes in the street, which takes some getting used to. Most importantly, I was still grieving heavily for my granddad – he’d left a massive gap in my family’s lives, and I could get emotional very easily. Looking back, I probably wasn’t in the right frame of mind to take part in these shows.
During that series, it was the usual crazy mix of people – some a bit past their heyday and others on the way up. We had David Bowie’s ex-wife Angie, X Factor contestant Christopher Maloney, former EastEnders actors Danniella Westbrook and John Partridge, Hollyoaks actress Stephanie Davis, actor Darren Day, Liza Minelli’s ex-husband David Gest, dancer Kristina Rihanoff, ex-WAG Nancy Dell’Olio, a political activist called Winston McKenzie and Kim Kardashian’s best friend Jonathan Cheban. There were also the usual bunch of reality stars like Jeremy McConnell, an American girl called Tiffany Pollard, TOWIE’s Gemma Collins and a face I recognised straight away from Ex on the Beach, Scotty T.
I went into the house with boos from the crowd – pretty much what I expected, because of my famous meltdowns on Ex on the Beach – but that wasn’t what I was actually most worried about.
I was actually a lot more nervous about what was going to go on inside the house. My legs were like jelly as I walked in, but I seemed to get on all right with everyone. I felt a bit shy at first, especially with some of the familiar older faces in there, and some of the older people seemed to be looking down on me as though I wasn’t good enough to be in there.
I got on with the majority of people in there. I loved Gemma, Danniella, Darren Day and David Gest. Only a few months later, I was really sad when I heard David had died. He was such a lovely man and he was really nice about my singing voice.
My crowd in there almost instantly became Jeremy, Scotty, Stephanie and Jonathan. Jonathan was a bit older, but he liked to come and join in too.
Stephanie and I talked a lot during our time together in the house. I heard all about her stuff going on – she asked for loads of advice about her boyfriend on the outside, plus what she should do about Jeremy, who she fancied on the inside. She ignored all my advice, but she knew I’d just been through a breakup with Jordan, so we shared a lot of stories. Sound familiar? Too right. During her time in the house, she said about me, ‘I love her to bits. She’s my sister for life.’ Well, that didn’t last long. We met up once after we left. I know things went really downhill with her and Jeremy, but he was still a good friend of mine. Then one day I got tagged in an article – she’d been pictured kissing Jordan on a night out. I was completely baffled about why she would do that, and I still don’t know to this day. I just thought, ‘They’re as bad as each other.’
Meanwhile, back in the Big Brother house, as soon as we got settled down in there, it seemed like Scotty T fancied me a bit. Scotty’s reputation wasn’t the best, and don’t forget I’d seen his antics close up during our time on Ex on the Beach. But he was funny and seemed like a laugh, and I thought, ‘Fuck it, I’m single.’ It was no big deal – we were just in there together and it was like a holiday romance. Besides, a little kiss here and there never hurt anyone, did it? I just knew I didn’t want any more aggro. He was very charming, had this big smirk and I just genuinely liked him as a person. When we all came out, we were together at the party for the finale, and then I never saw him again. No story, and, as I’d hoped, absolute zero aggro. All told, one of my healthiest ever relationships.
I had a good time in the CBB house. It was an amazing experience, but, I have to say, it was also one of the hardest TV things I’ve ever had to do. As the days went on, I got more and more hungry and tired. Everyone was snoring, which made it really difficult to get any sleep, and it’s amazing how the little things can start winding you up in there – it’s like being at school but never going home.
I remember lending Stephanie some clothes, and then finding them later on the floor. She’d been in the pool wearing them, and they were drenched. I ended up screaming my head off, ‘No one’s borrowing my stuff any more. No one’s respecting my shit,’ when I could probably have just said, ‘Could you pick it up, please?’ I’d officially lost it, but I know if that was me, I wouldn’t have done that.
Later, I saw Jeremy folding Steph’s clothes, and, instead of ignoring it, I screamed at him, ‘She needs to clean her own shit. It’s a fucking normal thing. Clean your own fucking shit.’ He was just being nice, but I was obviously starting to get sick of her ways, like you can do when you’re around the same people twenty-four seven.