Before I went to Nashville, I had loads of belly problems – I saw a specialist and got diagnosed with IBS on top of my coeliac condition. I started feeling unwell, lost loads of weight and couldn’t hold anything down. Complete nightmare. Basically, I got the shits twenty-four seven.
This meant I got really skinny. I’m skinny already, don’t get me wrong, but this was extra wrong. It didn’t help that when I got to Nashville I got bronchitis because my immune system was low. While I was there, I uploaded a picture of me in a sparkly dress, and the abuse I got was vile: really nasty stuff about me having anorexia, all the same stuff I got back at school.
Could someone please tell me, I’d really like to know, why is it okay to call someone anorexic, skeletal or gaunt, but you can’t call someone fat or chubby? Even recently, after losing even more weight from being in hospital, I look at my body and I look really skinny, but it’s never through dieting. I know my pictures have ended up sometimes on anorexia websites, and I just wish people could leave me alone.
It’s not good for me and it’s not good for anybody. I’m not dying. I’ve had problems my whole life with my stomach – I eat a lot, but if I’m unwell, I can’t keep anything in, and for a long time, no one understood this.
I want people to see I’m normal, but I get trolls sending me these messages not thinking I have any feelings. I wake up to lots of great messages, and that’s lovely, but I also get a lot of nasty stuff every single day.
Recently, I was in my own restaurant, wearing a puffer jacket, and it all started up. That’s me, on a Saturday afternoon, in my own restaurant, not wearing any makeup, for fuck’s sake. I can’t win. If I look too glam or I’m in a bikini, it’s ‘She’s a fucking slut,’ but if I’m in my puffer jacket, it’s ‘She’s a mess. She looks like she needs a wash.’
I’m pretty tough these days, but I’d say the odd thing can still get to me. Only this week, somebody sent me a spiteful message about my lips, saying they’d distorted my face. I wanted to put it on my Instagram and bait this girl’s life up, and I was so close to doing it, but instead I left it. (Wow, I’m actually learning for once!) It played on my mind a little bit, I have to admit – it just sounded so bitter – but then I thought, ‘This girl clearly ain’t got a life.’
The worst time was when my granddad died, and people were going, ‘Well, you’re such a scumbag from being on TV, he deserves to rot in his grave.’ I think it’s fair to say that bothered me. I wouldn’t be human if it didn’t. That’s possibly the worst comment I’ve ever had.
The odd one I might reply to with something comical, and then everyone supports me. But I’ve got tougher, 100 per cent tougher. I’m a lot tougher than I ever realised I could be, from going through all this shit. Every day something kicks off – there’s a drama of some sort, either an article or someone saying something. I guess you just get used to it.
I know people say I signed up for this, and it’s true I signed up for lots of other things, but I didn’t sign up for abuse. No one’s perfect, everyone makes mistakes. I’d just like people to give me a bit of a break sometimes, because I’m actually pretty down to earth.
I don’t care about all the VIP stuff – special tables, perks like that. I don’t want to be standing somewhere cut off. I just go out with my mates at the weekend and mix with everyone. If I’m not dressing up for some event, I’d much rather put on a pair of leggings, a bomber jacket and a cap. That’s the real me. I’ve always been a bit of a chav, LOL.
People see me on TOWIE all glammed up – you’re not allowed to wear tracksuits while you’re filming anyway, they expect a certain level of effort – and I do like dressing up, but in reality my whole wardrobe is tracksuits, caps and trainers. I’m a lot more of a tomboy than people think. Away from the glamorous places, I hardly ever wear makeup in the day, only at weekends.
I don’t really miss my privacy – I only miss it when it comes to relationships, when I’m feeling a bit vulnerable anyway, like any girl would. I generally think that if people want to write stuff, they can. I can happily walk down the street. I get looks, which I try to ignore. I try not to give any eye contact, because if I give back even a glimpse, I think they’ll start on me – they’ll think I want a fight, because of how I come across on TV.
These days, though, it’s more likely to be girls coming up to me and telling me, ‘I love you. You’re a psycho and I’m like that. You’re just like me. I have a meltdown all the time, and you’re the only girl who’s behaved like that on TV.’ It’s a funny thing to be known for. So while the older generation might look at me and think, ‘scum’, to these younger girls, I’m expressing all the anger they’re feeling. Everyone has meltdowns.
To give you a rough idea, I’d say about 10 per cent of the attention I get is negative. I’ve been called all sorts of things in my time; I’ve been shouted at. On nights out, girls have wanted to start a fight with me. It’s all made life a lot harder. I get lots of invitations to nice things, I’m very lucky, but I constantly have to watch my back. It’s scary, because I’ve always got that thing on my shoulder.
I went to a personal appearance up north – not to be confused with the one where I got the bottle thrown at me – and we had to get extra security because someone was threatening to stab me. I just think, ‘You never know.’ This person could hate me. You do get these fruit loops around the place, and I have this fear, whenever I go out. I’ll admit, there’s a tiny part of me waiting for someone to punch me. They know me, but I don’t know them. Some people turn up outside a venue, and I think, ‘You could be one of the trolls that hates me, and I would never know.’ I’m always nice, but if I feel any kind of weirdness in the situation, I’ll start walking.
It’s a small price to pay, though, for all the things that have come to me in the last few years. I’ve been invited to amazing events and met all sorts of amazing people – it’s been an overwhelming couple of years. Plus, I’ve had the chance to build business collaborations like I never would have imagined. One thing I want to say about them, though, is that anything I put my name to, it has to be authentic. I need my name to be there for a reason.
So, for example, the reason I wanted to launch a range of hair extensions is that I know not everyone can afford them. I kept getting my extensions done at Easilocks, and we spoke about doing a Bouncy Blow in a hairpiece. My fan base is young girls, and they’re always sending me messages asking about my hair. Lots of them want hair like mine, but they can’t afford it. I remember when I was at Nu Bar, a full head of hair extensions cost something like £700. I could never find that kind of money, so I wanted to make a hairpiece that young girls can buy without breaking the bank. I wish there’d been a girl like me, releasing something affordable, when I was their age.
It’s the same reason I did Mouthy, my makeup brand. I’m old enough to get lip fillers now, but I can remember all those years of wanting to try stuff out. It’s why I came up with lip kits. When I was younger, I’d have loved my own lips to look bigger without filler, so that’s why I did a UK version of Kylie Jenner’s kit. I put the first ones on sale and they all sold out in one day. Crazy! Girls really want this stuff. Then, people kept asking me where I got my tracksuits from, so I thought, ‘I need to do a line,’ which has now led to my very own line – Studio Mouthy. All of this is me. I could never just sign up for something I didn’t care about.
One of the biggest things I’ve created is my own restaurant, McK Grill in Woodford. That came about because I go to loads of restaurants and it’s always a load of hassle – they have hardly anything gluten-free or wheat-free. So I thought I would open a place where you can have anything you like without having to worry about that stuff. Whatever you want – waffles, mac ‘n’ cheese, roast beef and Yorkshire pud, it can all be wheat-free. I chose Woodford because it was a nice little spot and those are my roots.
Who knows what the future will bring? I’m hoping it’s going to involve lots of singing, writing and touring. I’ve always said I want to be on the road, and that’s never changed. My dream is still that big tour bus. Dolly’s is pink, but mine would be blacked out, modern, with a bit of bling here and there. It’s all designed in my head.
You have to dream big, and my dreams are still really big. If my music works out, and it’s down to me, I’d like to live half the time in America – maybe get an apartment somewhere – but always be based here. My home will always be Essex.
I do want to get married and have kids, but I want to have my career first. Ideally, I’d have the kids, they’d come to my shows and I’d get to bring them on stage. When people ask me where I see myself in ten years’ time, my answer is, ‘Touring the world, singing my own songs to an army of fans.’ I’ve been working on this my whole life, and I will live this dream.