New Zealand Herald:
HILARY BARRY IN DEEP DO-DO FOR TOILET HUMOUR
Seven Sharp presenter Hilary Barry is once again under fire for what some viewers saw as inappropriate language. The iconic NZ celeb was most amused after an incident at a Christchurch bank where a hot-pink plumbing van with its own rooftop dunny was involved in a mistaken attempt at a bank robbery.
While detailing the debacle, Hilary commented that the two getaway drivers would have been in “deep @*%!” if caught.
Several complaints were made to the Broadcasting Commission. When asked for a comment, Hilary replied: “It’s a nice change from disgust at my cleavage.”
Meanwhile, the ‘Dick’s Plumbing’ van is going viral on Snapchat and Instagram as students try to get photos of the very visible vehicle.
Faith was still grinning an hour later as they drove through Ashburton.
“So, tell me about your brother then,” Anna said, tooting at a group of kids pointing at them from the school playground.
“Oh, right, Isaac. Yeah.” Faith paused to gather her thoughts. “So you have to take into account I was only eight when he left. I didn’t really understand the drama. It wasn’t really until I was in high school that I started to realise why he’d gone. My only friend outside the commune kind of pieced it together for me. And then one of my older sisters filled me in on the details much later.”
Anna gave her a questioning look, and she rummaged in the supermarket bag for a bit to open a bag of lollies first.
“Isaac is gay,” she said, “and in my parents’ eyes, that is the ultimate sin. Worse than premarital sex, worse than adultery, worse than anything.”
“Oh shit. And your parents found out?”
“Yeah, I think so, and then they started talking about suitable matches for a marriage. He told them he wouldn’t do it. They tried to do I guess what was their own version of conversion therapy with him and the elders but it didn’t work, of course. He left when he was eighteen. The day he turned eighteen actually.”
“Oh man, poor guy,” Anna said. “So when did you see him again?”
“Well, I didn’t. And he turns fifty next week, so it’s been a long time.” Faith felt a bit teary at the thought. She was also a bit nervous.
“Wow. So, how did you get back in touch?”
“Daniel encouraged me to actually. Charity and I stayed in touch a bit once I left and she stayed in touch with Isaac. But we never talked about him at all. It was a forbidden subject and it just became a habit, you know?” Anna nodded. “Anyway, Daniel said I should just ask, and when I did, I found out she knew where he was, and I reached out.”
“Aww, and was he happy you did?”
“Yeah, so happy. He moved to Invercargill and got a job and then he met his partner Keith when he was twenty-one. They’ve been together ever since.
“And you never saw each other?”
“Oh, we FaceTime. So it won’t be a major shock to see each other after all these years. He doesn’t know I’m coming though. It’s a surprise.”
“Oh wow, how cool. Is Charity going too?”
Faith frowned. She always felt so sad when she thought of Charity.
“No, she’s still in the community with the others. I never lost contact with her but we can’t talk often. Early on I tried to persuade her to leave but she wouldn’t.”
“How come?”
“I don’t really know. I guess she still believes? She married Jebediah when she was sixteen but they never had any kids. She says she’s barren, but it could have been him, you know? And she’s so … I don’t even know… guilty about it? … that I think she feels obligated to stay. I don’t know for sure but it seems like she and Jebediah don’t hate each other either, which is saying something.”
“Oh man, that is sad.”
“Yeah, but she’s close to my nieces and nephews, and in the commune kids are sort of all treated like your own, even if they’re not, sort of ‘village to raise a family’. It’s one of the things I did like about that place.”
“Yeah, there’s definitely something to be said for that,” Anna agreed, reaching for another lolly.
“So what does Isaac do?”
“He’s a signwriter. He was lucky enough to get taken on straight from school and now he owns his own company.”
“And what about his man?”
“Keith’s retired actually. He’s quite a bit older than Isaac. But he used to be in banking.” Faith grinned. “You’ll love this. He’s a major royalist. Like obsessed with the royal family. He and Isaac have spent the last five or so years building a replica house of Buckingham Palace. They’re opening up to the public as a sort of museum.”
“Oh, my God, that’s hilarious,” Anna said “But who’s the Queen?”
Faith laughed. “It gets better. They have corgis too. And they’ve all been named after different royals. I think at the moment they have three. Andrew, Harry and Charlotte.”
“What a crack-up. I bet you’ll have an amazing time.”
“You should come with me.”
“Oh really? I wouldn’t want to impose.”
Faith was about to reply when there was a thump and then the car started to shake and then slide sideways. Anna braked and managed to pull the van over to the side of the road as it made a loud flapping noise. Thankfully there was very little traffic.
“Golly, what was that?” Faith asked.
“Flat tyre, I think.”
They got out and Faith went round to Anna’s side. Sure enough, the back tyre was looking very deflated and on closer inspection, Anna found a large nail embedded in it.
“What do we do now?” Faith asked, feeling a bit useless. Daniel always dealt with any car stuff, since she had been almost thirty when she finally got her licence.
“Hope like hell this thing has a good spare and a jack,” said Anna. “And that I can remember how to change a tyre. I haven’t had to for years.”
They finally found the jack in the compartment of the sliding door, and then Anna started to wriggle her way under the van holding the wrench to remove the spare.
Faith was busting for a wee, so she told Anna she would be right back, and went to the side of the road looking for somewhere to go. It was all flat plains, but there was no traffic in sight, so she decided to just do a quick squat.
Just as she was finishing, there was a loud toot and a station wagon went past, a load of teenagers hanging out the window with their phones aimed at the van, yelling and cheering. Mortified, she pulled up her pants and went back to tell Anna, only to find her sticking half out the van, her skirt ruched up and her fancy red satin knickers on full display as she wriggled back out.
“What were they saying?” Anna asked.
“Something about there being no dicks in sight,” Faith told her.