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I sat on the couch with my arms wrapped around myself, trying to shrink into the fabric as my mother explained to my father what happened. I could hear their heated whispers and then silence.
I knew I was going to need that hour with Mr. Henry tomorrow, especially after facing my father. The hurt in his eyes when he stepped in the room pushed my gaze to the floor. He crossed and took a seat next to me, pulling me to his shoulder. The soft kiss on my head brought silent tears.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here to stop him,” he said, and gave me a squeeze.
I just nodded, and let him hold me. The lump in my throat was too great, and it shut off my ability to tell my father he had no blame in this. He shouldn’t have to apologize to me. Not for the actions of an asshole. After a while, he stood and his footsteps were heavy as he navigated through the house. I heard the front door open and close, and a blind panic filled me. I didn’t want my father to do anything stupid. Going after Eric wasn’t the answer, and when I opened the door to chase after him, my father was sitting on the frigid steps with his head in his hands.
I had never seen my father cry. Hell, he rarely got mad. He was usually the goofy one who could pull a laugh out of me no matter how aggravated I was. He was the big strong teddy bear who smiled and warmed everyone’s soul.
He met my gaze and pressed his lips together in a mock smile meant to reassure me, but seeing those tears was like facing the devil and losing my soul. The blow to my heart was total. Not only had Eric stripped me of who I was, in doing so, he had hurt my dad.
The first burn of anger lit inside of me and I gave him a nod, leaving him to deal with whatever emotions were roiling inside him. I had to step away, to back up into that cocoon; otherwise, I would be the one to do something stupid.
* * * *
THE NEXT MORNING, I picked up Brooke and we drove in silence. I wasn’t ready for anyone else to know what happened. It was tough enough to deal with my parents’ worried glances, I didn’t know if I could deal with the same from my friends, but Brooke knew more of the details of exactly what happened leading up to that weekend, so when we pulled into the parking space, I just dropped the car in neutral and set the brake.
She stopped with her hand on the door. Glancing at me, her hand dropped and I twirled my scarf in my hands and bit my lip.
“Rob told me you were worried about me.” I met her gaze and she offered a soft smile and a nod confirming.
“I have been.”
“I’m getting some help.” I said, turned off the ignition, and shifted the car into gear for the day.
“What happened?”
I took a deep breath and met her gaze. “Eric raped me.”
As the words sank in, her muscles contracted, pulling her features into the fire of anger.
“After all the shit he put you through?”
I hitched a laugh. “Yeah.”
“He is a royal asshole.”
I couldn’t disagree, and gave her a shrug before reaching for my door.
“Any time you want to talk, I’m here.”
“Thanks, Brooke,” I said, and we both got out of the car. There was one more person I needed to talk to before I started my day, and the minute I stepped into the courtyard, our gazes locked. Halfway across the distance, Hank stepped into my path.
“Have you thought about what I asked?”
My gaze flitted over his shoulder to Rob, who still focused on me, half paying attention to the conversation around him. I moved my eyes to Hank and adopted my best get the fuck out of my way stare.
“Are you kidding me?”
He shifted and shoved his hands in his pocket. “I know. I’m an asshole, but if I had any other way of getting the money...”
“Move,” I said and it was soft, but full of the budding rage. Hank met my glare and he stepped aside. I crossed and stopped in front of Rob. “Got a few?”
He nodded and I led him inside, where we slipped into the dark auditorium. I took a seat in the back row and he plunked in the seat next to me. Our hands searched the dark until they intertwined.
“It’s dark in here.”
Stating the obvious drew a soft laugh from me but I didn’t say anything curt in response.
“What happened yesterday?”
“I got hauled into the vice principal’s office for skipping, and I completely lost it.” My voice hung soft in the dark and he squeezed my hand before unclasping and throwing his arm around my shoulder instead. “It’s your fault, too.”
“What did I do?”
“You put a crack in my wall. One that was big enough to burst the entire fucking dam.”
His lips pressed against the side of my head. “Good.”
“Are you really ready to hear what happened to me?”
The slow rub of his hand on my shoulder stilled. My eyes had adjusted to the blackness surrounding us and I could just make out his head. His slow sigh told me he was gearing up for the worst and his soft affirmation hung between us.
“He did hurt me, on so many levels. I let him go farther than anyone else ever had.”
Rob’s arm started to move away from me and I reached up, threading my fingers through his hand and holding it in place.
“I kind of need you not to pull away while I talk, okay?”
“Okay,” he said and I could already hear the anger.
“As I was saying, he got farther than anyone else, but I still said no to going all the way. I don’t know what stopped me, but I always said no. In the beginning of November, he invited me to a concert, but he wanted me to go as his friend’s date. That was when I found out he was two timing me. His excuse was ‘it was complicated.’ He had been with her for two years at that point and it was complicated. I should have told him to fuck off right there, and been done with it all.”
I inhaled and squeezed Rob’s hand before I continued. “You can imagine how pissed off I was, but he somehow got me to agree. His friend was nice enough, but he was clueless. He thought Eric had really set us up on a date, and he wanted his friend to go along with the cover story that his friend and I had been dating for a while. It was fucked up.”
Rob huffed agreement.
“I went to the concert and I couldn’t have felt like a bigger fool. Eric’s girlfriend was actually his fiancé, and it wasn’t like they were engaged before he met me. He proposed to her while he was screwing around with me.”
His hand tightened around mine and I winced.
“Sorry,” he muttered, and I squeezed to tell him it was okay. “But if I ever run into him, I’m going to punch his lights out.
“Yeah, well, that isn’t the worst of it.”
Silence layered over my anxiety as he waited for me to continue.
“The weekend after Thanksgiving, he came over and my parents were out.”
The burn of tears clenched my throat and Rob unthreaded my hand, pulling me onto his lap. His arms wrapped around me like a protective blanket and his forehead met mine.
“What did he do?” The growl in his voice pulled a shaky breath from my chest.
“He didn’t take no for an answer.”
I didn’t fall apart at the admission like I had the day before. While hot tears painted my face, the soul-wrenching sobs remained locked up. Rob’s reaction wasn’t as graceful or as calm as mine. His arms tightened, pulling me into a hug with his head resting on my shoulder. His entire form trembled with the raging beast he was contending with.
“I will kill him,” the words came through clenched teeth and I wrapped my arms around him, trying not to let my own demons get the best of me.
“I can’t let you do that.”
“Why the fuck not?” He pulled away, and the flash of his eyes was pronounced enough to see in the darkness.
“Because, I don’t want you getting in trouble. That won’t help me get past this.”
His grip loosened and his palm found my cheek. The gentle caress of his thumb on my skin, tripped another progression of tears.
“Still love me?” I asked with a voice that was raw and shaky. I dreaded the answer more than I anticipated.
His soft lips covered mine in a sweet kiss. “Always,” he whispered, his breath tickled mine and my chest hitched with a sob. “But I can’t promise what I’ll do if I ever run into him,” he said and pulled me tight.
* * * *
I SAT OUTSIDE MR. HENRY’S office, shifting nervously as I waited for him to finish talking with another student. The door opened and Mr. Henry poked his head out after a moment. “You can come in now.”
I shuffled into the room and took a seat. The door clicked closed and I met his gaze as he crossed and took the seat in the comfortable chair next to me instead of parking behind the desk. He stretched his legs and leaned back in the chair.
“What do you want to talk about today?”
I shrugged, picking at a hang nail. “I’m sorry I was such a mess yesterday.”
His legs folded and he leaned on his knees, staring at me until I looked him in the eye.
“You don’t need to apologize, okay?”
I nodded and inhaled, clamping my lips against another apology.
He smiled and crossed his leg, folding his hands neatly in his lap. It occurred to me that his posturing was intentional, but I didn’t understand what he wanted of me.
“Before we get started, I want to make sure you’re comfortable talking with me.”
I blinked, a little taken back by his question. I looked around the room and then back at him. “You were the first adult I told.”
His soft smile and nod put me at ease. “Yes, but I think that had more to do with timing than comfort.”
I saw his point and chewed on my lip. On the base level, he was an adult and seemed to be interested in helping me, but his entire mannerism compelled me to be honest and that made me nervous. I didn’t have a lot of options and the psychiatrist I saw for a session or two back when I had the pain in my side didn’t give me the sense of calm that this man did and I sighed.
“Yes, I think I’m comfortable talking to you.”
“Okay, let’s talk about the reason you were called into Mr. Capizio’s office yesterday. Why did you skip class?” His eyebrows rose as he focused the conversation on my skipping school.
I rolled my eyes. “I left school with a friend after my boyfriend asked me for money for an abortion for his ex-girlfriend.”
“I’m not sure what to say to that.” Mr. Henry didn’t expect that loaded answer and he blinked as he tried to form a follow up question. I couldn’t help the soft chuckle that escaped.
“I wasn’t too pleased to find out he was still screwing around with her, but with how distant I kept myself, I can’t really blame him,” I said and shrugged. “I seem to attract some real losers.”
He cracked a smile. “Tell me about that.”
“Tell you about what?” I didn’t know what part he wanted me to focus on.
“How did you feel with what your boyfriend did?”
“Angry.” I glanced out the window before I sighed and met his gaze. “Foolish,” I added.
“Why did you feel foolish?”
“I started to kind of like him, you know, and then I find out he’s no better than Eric was. He’s just a cheating bastard interested in one thing.” I needed to put distance between me and Mr. Henry, so I stood and crossed to the window. “I considered letting him in. Every time I do that, I get burned.”
“Why do you think that happens?”
“I have no fucking idea.” The foul language just spilled out and I glanced at him. He seemed unfazed, which was odd for a teacher. I chewed on my bottom lip as he prompted me with an eyebrow raise. “I really don’t.” I crossed my arms.
“Do you think you purposely set yourself up for failure?”
“Of course not,” I said, but his question set off an itch between my shoulder blades. “They just don’t want to date someone who isn’t interested in f... sex.” I corrected the response before I slipped again.
“Have you ever thought you might be dating the wrong guys?”
I laughed. The fact he said nearly the same words as Rob said to me just added to the new layer of doubt pressing on my chest. “Where are the right guys?”
It was a legitimate question. I had dated the burnouts, the clean cut, the bad boys and even a jock, but each and every one of them got tired of being shut down. I had a long list of boyfriends and kissing partners, but only one had ever gotten me to spread my legs for more than a quick feel through the fabric of my jeans.
He steepled his fingers, studying me.
“Eric made me feel like a fool,” I said and looked out the window. The winter sky held the promise of snow, and the grey day fit my mood. “He coerced me into going farther than I had before, but until that night, he always stopped short when I said no. I might have gotten over the fact he used me for...” I trailed off. Going into his oral fixation wasn’t something I really wanted to discuss with the school councilor. “And I probably could have eventually forgiven him for cheating, if he had chosen me over his fiancé.” I slowly shook my head. “But there is no coming back from what he did.”
Tears burned again.
“I hate him, but I’m afraid a very sick part of me is still in love with him. I’m afraid if I see him...” I stopped and closed my eyes trying to wrap the emotions up and shove them back into the box. “I’m afraid he’ll make me... feel again.”
Mr. Henry cocked his head, studying me, and when I didn’t continue, he asked. “Can you explain that a little more?”
“I’m very good at shutting everything down. It’s made things... manageable, for the past four years, and the few times I’ve let that wall down, it’s been a disaster.” I met his gaze. “I let the wall down with Eric. Opened myself up to him and he betrayed me on every possible level.”
Mr. Henry leaned forward. “Keeping the walls up isn’t living. It keeps people from getting to know the real you.”
I stared at him before moving my glance away. “Maybe they wouldn’t like the real me.”
His soft laugh pulled my attention.
“I think you’re underestimating yourself.”
I smiled and shrugged. I had had a lot of friends before I came to high school, but most of them were younger, and my closest childhood friend went to East Catholic. The separation from her my freshman year put a larger chunk of distance between us than miles, especially since I had become a burnout.
“We don’t have that much time left today and I wanted to set some ground rules for moving forward.”
“What ground rules?”
“Skipping school and drugs. Both need to be addressed.”
I crossed my arms and raised my eyebrows in a silent challenge.
“I would like you to make me a promise that you will do your best to avoid both of those things while we are working together, okay?”
I shifted my stance. The way he phrased the question seemed reasonable and I gave him a nod.
“If you’re out of school, expect that I will be calling home to check on you,” he added and I pressed my lips together.
My freedom of picking and choosing my classes was now at risk. If I missed the first class of the day, I was marked absent and Mr. Henry would call home. My entire strategy for the last four years was now gone, and I’d run the risk of being caught if I blew off a class I deemed useless.
This new revelation irked the hell out of me. I had pretty decent grades, even in the useless classes. Enough so that I had been accepted at one of the state schools, but now I would have to actually go to class. Consistently.
I was beginning to regret the decision of opening my mouth and I turned my back on Mr. Henry. “Fine,” I said with as much enthusiasm as if I had been told I was being led to my death.
“And no more getting high.”
I glared over my shoulder at him and he crossed his arms, leveling the same silent challenge I had a few minutes before.
“Fine.” I threw my arms up in defeat and found my way to the chair, dropping into it like a rag doll.
“As far as these sessions, I’d like to start off with talking to you at least three times a week. Monday, Wednesday and Friday. If you need me between sessions, my door is always open. Please come by and I will adjust my schedule to fit you in, okay?”
I just nodded. As much as I hated to admit it, today seemed to have helped get my head around everything. Well, as much as an hour with a school psychologist can, but he seemed genuine and that meant a great deal to me.
“I promise not to betray your trust.”
I stared at him and my lips pressed against the sudden tremble in my chin. My throat tightened against the burn of unexpected tears. He had no idea the impact those seven words had on me. In that instant, Mr. Henry became my savior.