WE FELL into a steady rhythm over the next week with preparations for the tour taking up most of our time. The atmosphere in the office was still uneasy and while Anna’s mood had improved, her distance was growing. She was polite and her work always completed, but there was underlying tension, especially between her and Matt. I agreed to give Matt one more week to get to the bottom of it before I stepped in. It wasn’t about them playing happy families, but the fact that the work environment was no longer pleasurable, and I hadn’t worked this hard to feel awkward in my own office.
There were still other issues to deal with, namely Dan and his extra-curricular activities. Ironically, it was because of this that I was looking forward to going on the road. Dan was easier to control when he had a regimented schedule, the inspiration for the old adage about idle hands being the devil’s plaything stood squarely at the feet of that man.
“Lexi,” he purred as he entered my office unannounced, followed closely by Troy.
“Hey Lex.” Troy waved as he closed the door behind him.
Matt and Anna had stepped out for lunch so I had been enjoying some solitude that my cramped office rarely provided these days.
“Gentlemen.” I glanced up from my computer monitor, unsure whether or not I should be welcoming the distraction. “Is this a social call or is there something I can do for you?”
Troy snickered as both he and Dan took a seat. “I’m just here to bear witness, sure as shit I wasn’t missing this.” His face was seemingly delighted by whatever was about to take place.
“Shut the fuck up Troy,” Dan shot back before turning to address me, his charm solidly engaged. “So Lexi, we haven’t seen you in awhile. Do I need to tell Stone to stop being a selfish bastard and share the love? He really should have his smokin’ hot wife out and about more often. I sure as hell would.”
“What do you want Dan?” I leaned back in my seat, already suspicious of where this was heading.
“Why do I have to want something? Can’t I just be stopping by for a chat? I’ve missed you.” He smiled, and if I didn’t know him better I would have assumed he was sincere.
Troy folded his arms across his chest, smiling broadly as he struggled to suppress his laugh.
“Dan, if that were true I would suggest that you come visit me during non-working hours. You know when that is? The time you are usually whoring yourself in clubs across Manhattan. I believe you still have the address seeing as your subscription to Hustler arrives at our place monthly.” Despite Dan’s assurances, I knew this was not a social call.
“Now that Hustler subscription was last year’s birthday present for Stone, it’s the gift that keeps on giving. I put a lot of thought into that,” he shot back indignantly, offended that I hadn’t seen the genius of his plan.
“How very thoughtful of you. However even before he was married to me, and I get that you purchased this gift prior to our union, did you really think he need any additional assistance to see naked women? I mean, really?” As much as I hated to admit it, Alex had never had any shortage of women more than willing to get naked on a whim. While his taste was more discerning than Dan’s, he had still been spoilt for choice. He’d also been more than willing in the past to enjoy the perks.
“A man’s got to have porn Lexi, I don’t know how many times I gotta tell you. Even Stone and his revolving door of pussy,” he explained, reiterating what I already knew about Alex’s past, but still not assuring me that the porn was in fact necessary. “It’s completely irrelevant how much sex you’re having.”
“Dickwad, you can’t say that. They’re married now.” Troy punched Dan hard in the arm before pointing to me, obviously hoping to spare me any hurt feelings over my husband’s previous dalliances.
“Why? I’m not making shit up. Lexi knows the score.” Dan rubbed his arm, confused about why Troy was getting angry when he was only speaking the truth. The fact that he was admitting to me that Alex had been with a lot of women was lost on him.
“So are we about done talking about my husband’s past exploits? I actually do have work to do. Why don’t you tell me the real reason you are here, because we both know it wasn’t just to say hi.” Although I was aware of Alex’s past, I preferred it to stay there; in the past. I too had been no angel, but I didn’t want either of our histories to be replayed, especially not by Dan.
“Go on,” Troy encouraged. “You heard her.” He relaxed into his chair, enjoying watching Dan squirm.
“So much for having my back, asswipe.” Dan ignored me as he fired back at Troy, smacking him across the chest.
“BOYS. Dan, what is it that you want?” It was like watching two children fight and as amusing as it usually was, I still had a pile of work to do, not to mention Matt and Anna’s impending return would mean that I would have to deal with that issue as well.
“Fine, I was trying to romance you a little, but you really know how to buzz kill the foreplay.” Dan rolled his eyes, annoyed I hadn’t let his game plan play out.
“Please don’t talk about us and use the word foreplay in the same sentence.” I tried to distance myself from anything remotely sexual where Dan was concerned because if I gave him an inch, firstly he’d make some wise crack about the size of his dick and secondly he would take a mile.
“Would it be that bad if you were with me? I mean all jokes aside. I’m a decent guy. I make sure the lady is always taken care of. I’ve even been known to buy flowers and shit. I can be fucking romantic.” He asked this so earnestly that I was almost shocked by the question. Was this a real question or a hypothetical? I didn’t want to contemplate either scenario but I wasn’t looking to hurt his feelings either.
“Dan, are you serious?” I turned off my monitor and gave him my full attention. Perhaps he was genuinely looking for feedback? He had shown me his sweet side in the past, not that I would ever advertise that.
“Yes, I’m fucking serious. I want you to go on a date with me.” He looked me dead in the eye as the words I couldn’t believe I was hearing spilled from his lips.
“OK, now I know you’re fucking with me.” I laughed. Date Dan? This hadn’t been a possibility despite his best efforts before and now Alex and I were happily married, this surely had to be a joke; his version of rattling my chain as it were, because that’s what Dan did.
“Sadly Lexi, he isn’t. Now you see why I had to be here. Figured the least I could do was drive him home after the beat down you are going to give him.” Troy smiled, amused and obviously privy to whatever was going on.
“Troy, you aren’t helping me brother,” Dan muttered under his breath.
“Dan, have you completely lost your mind? I mean of all the fucked up shit you’ve pulled, you’re asking a married woman out on a date? Did you hit your freaking head on the way over here?” I struggled to understand why we were even having this conversation. He had certainly joked in the past about the two of us, but it had always been a joke. He would never make a play for me now, would he?
“Now hear me out, I’m not asking you for sex. I mean Stone’s my brother and all and that shit wouldn’t be right.” He tried to justify his stance by illustrating that the fact he wasn’t asking to sleep with me was making this acceptable.
“Wouldn’t be right? Wouldn’t be right? Do you hear yourself? This whole conversation is not right. Does Alex even know you’re here?” I ran my hands through my hair as I stared at him incredulously. Did this man have any moral compass? Like even the slightest inkling of what is right or wrong?
“You’re your own woman, I figured I’d speak to you first. Besides he’s just as pussy whipped as James.” He figured he’d play to my independence while taking a slight dig at Alex. Note to Dan, being considerate to someone you care about is not pussy whipped. There was no way I had time to explain the difference.
“Dan, let me be clear. I am married, therefore I don’t date anyone else. Especially not my husband’s friends.” I articulated clearly, hoping this conversation was over.
“You can pull out the disguise, it doesn’t have to be as you. Pretend to be the Groupie Whore,” he argued not willing to let it go. “I won’t even kiss you, though you would kick yourself if you knew what you were missing out on. Come on, I need this,” he insisted.
“You need this? Why the hell do you need to go on a date with me?” I stared at him confused before turning to Troy and hoping to get some understanding. “Troy, please tell me this is some elaborate joke?”
“Why don’t you tell her why numb-nuts?” Troy offered, before shooting me a wink. “So she doesn’t get you admitted on a seventy-two hour psych hold.”
He took a long, audible breath. “I got this family wedding, back in Yonkers. I really would rather not go at all, but it means a lot to my ma ’cause it’s her sister’s daughter, my first cousin. And we were close and shit growing up so, yeah she wants me there. So I need you to be my plus one. There is no way I can turn up there alone.” His voice trailed off like he was a scared little boy.
“Why can’t you go alone? You scared of getting hit on by bridesmaids? Surely this is right up your alley.” I was no closer to understanding the reason for this insanity than I had been before. I would have thought the idea of consoling some poor, unsuspecting girl who was maybe feeling a little fragile about being unmarried would have been like hitting the lottery for Dan.
“I can’t hook up with the bridesmaids. They are all my freaking cousins. We’re a big family, but even twice removed that’s just fucking wrong town. I have standards. And I can’t go stag ’cause then all my freaking aunties are going to be trying to fix me up with someone. You don’t understand Lex, this is the Italian side of the family. They will be circling like fucking piranhas.” He looked horrified as he explained his family predicament.
“So why don’t you just ask some random to go with you? There must be at least one decent girl you’ve met in the past couple of weeks you could stand for an evening,” I suggested. He was rarely short of female company.
“Are you kidding? I take a random to a family wedding, I might as well hand her my balls as well. Girls don’t take that shit lightly. She’ll want to date and before you know it, she’ll have picked out a church and a dress and be expecting me to propose. I ain’t going through that. Besides, the girls I date aren’t really the types of girls I want my ma seeing. She still thinks of me as her little boy.” He seemed appalled and almost offended by my latest attempt to reach a solution.
“Dan, I can’t believe your mother isn’t aware of what you are like. For god’s sake your nocturnal activities are in the papers.” While I’m sure Mrs. Evans adored her son dearly, unless she was deaf, blind or lived in Siberia, she would be fully informed of Dan’s exploits.
“She doesn’t read that crap, so leave my ma out of it. You going to help me or what?” heDan asked, his agitation increasing with the mention of his mother.
“Even if I did agree, which I haven’t, but say I lost my freaking mind and went with you to this wedding, and we turn up, me as your plus one. Your mother and probably everyone else there knows I’m married to Alex. Do you not think they are going to be wondering what the hell you are doing there with someone else’s wife?” I tried to rationalise. My face had been plastered all over the news, especially lately. While my fame hadn’t been earned the same way as theirs, I was famous by default so regardless I was instantly recognizable.
“I’ll deal with that later. Besides you’ve got a disguise—wear that. You just act all sweet and shy and no one will even notice it’s you.” He fobbed my rebuttal off like it was an insignificant detail.
“Troy’s right, you do need a seventy-two hour psych hold.” I stared at Dan, convinced that a psychological evaluation wasn’t such a bad idea.
“I really don’t see what the problem is. I told you I’m not going to try and sleep with you. You put on a pretty dress, you hang off my arm and you smile. What’s the problem? It’s one night. I can’t believe you are being such a hard ass about this.” He struggled to comprehend why I was so resistant, diminishing any concerns I may have held.
“Oh my god. Please tell me you didn’t just tell me you want me to ‘put on a pretty dress, hang off your arm and smile’. Like I could ever be anyone’s, most of all your, showpiece. Dan get the hell out of my office before I kick your arse.” I felt my temperature rise as I moved from disbelief to fury. He had just crossed the line, and I was done entertaining this idea.
“Here I was thinking you were a team player and you are being so fucking unreasonable,” he huffed as he was unwilling to let it go. “Pretend you aren’t married to Stone, wouldn’t you want to look out for me? I mean how’s it going to look in the press if some broad gets the wrong idea. I’m really saving you a lot of work in the long run.”
“Unreasonable is that you would even ask. That you would consider this an actual option.” My voice increased in ferocity. “What do you think Alex is going to say if I casually walk in the door tonight and say, guess what baby, Dan and I are planning on going on this hot date to his cousin’s wedding? I can tell you right now, he would not be OK with that. I am not OK with that. And as for you sparing me from my workload, I really don’t see why you are so concerned about this now, you’ve never cared in the past.”
“I never said hot date, but the fact you did it means you’re thinking it wouldn’t be that bad.” He smiled as he twisted my poorly chosen words to further his agenda.
“Did you hear anything I just said?” I fumed that it seemed to amuse him. I decided to appeal to Troy in the hopes that someone would see reason. “Troy, you guys have a tour coming up. You really want to be looking for a replacement bass player this close to hitting the road?”
“I told him this was a bad idea. I’m just trying to make sure he makes it out of here alive,” he smirked, trying to distance himself from the argument.
“Dude, you are supposed to be on my side, I think I’ve got her almost convinced.” Dan snickered, forgetting I could hear him.
“What I’m convinced of is that you have reached a new low and in case I haven’t made myself clear. The answer is no. N-O, NO,” leaving no more for interpretation, even for Dan.
“Fine be like that. Can you at least try and find me a date? PR me some girl who can play the role?” He huffed in frustration, put out by my unwillingness to help him.
“I’m not going to PR you some girl, I’m not a freaking pimp.” I shook my head. Any doubt that I earned every cent of my salary was just blown away by the fact I even had to make that statement.
“I never said hooker, although if you knew a decent one, I guess that would be OK. But, what I meant was like a regular girl. Don’t you have friends? Just as long as she’s pretty, I have a reputation to uphold.” He spoke with the same detachment that he would while ordering a pizza.
I leapt out of my chair and pushed away from my desk. The air rushed out of my lungs as my hands reached out in front of me.
“Easy Lex.” Troy grabbed me as I lunged for Dan. “Take a breath, he’s an idiot, but he’s harmless.” Troy wrapped his arms around my waist and lifted me off the floor. He kept me firmly against his body so Dan was slightly out of my grasp. “That’s it, nice deep breaths,” he whispered in my ear before turning to Dan. “Dude, do me a favor and stop talking.”
“Put me down Troy.” I wiggled furiously in his arms. Damn, he was strong. I could feel his arms flex under my struggle yet he showed no signs of discomfort.
“Are you going to hit anyone? ‘Cause I think I’m bound by the Good Samaritan act to stop any unnecessary violence.” He laughed as he contained me in a bear hug.
“I’m not going to hit anyone. Put me down.” I demanded, my legs swinging wildly in the air.
“OK, here we go. Nice and easy.” He gently released his grip as he slowly lowered my feet to the floor. “Everyone going to stay calm?”
“Yes, Yes. I’m calm.” I assured him as he removed his hands tentatively from my waist.
“So, where do we stand then?” Dan asked, oblivious to the fact that he had been inches away from a black eye. No really, I would have hit him.
“Do we need to go through this all again Dan?” I silently counted to ten, trying to keep a lid on my anger. One, Two, Three… Expletive, expletive, expletive.
“No, I know you said you wouldn’t go with me, but I still need a date.”
“Look, Dan’s gone about it the complete wrong way, but he is right, he can’t go to this wedding alone,” Troy interceded. I wasn’t sure if it was to aid Dan’s case or save him from having to come between Dan and any more of my potential murderous outbursts.
“Finally, you’re playing wingman. Thank freaking Christ.” Dan threw his hands up in the air in relief.
“Dude, seriously. Shut up. You ain’t helping your cause right now.” Troy smacked Dan across the back of the head.
“What’s the big deal, just ignore your family or tell them you aren’t interested.” I smoothed out my dress, before leaning up against my desk.
“You can say that ‘cause you’ve never met my family. They are relentless. I show up without a date and they are going to be screening every single girl from Jersey to Connecticut for potential wife material. It’s easier for everyone involved if I just show up taken.” He raked his hands through his hair. He seemed desperate.
Putting aside the fact that it was Dan, I guess I should be thankful he decided to come to me rather than someone else. Previously working in events and public relations I had received some odd requests, usually from prima donna clients who wanted you to jump through hoops, but I guess a date wasn’t such a big deal. Hang on a sec, I couldn’t believe I was actually considering this. Who would I even ask and how could I unwittingly unleash Dan on them? Granted it was a family wedding so I doubted he could get into too much trouble, but still, it was risky.
“All right,” I agreed, already regretting my decision to help him.
“You’re going to go with me?” Dan asked, his eyes brimming with hope.
“No, not me.” I shook my head. There was no way I was going on a date with him, no matter what the understanding was, the answer was still no.
“I’ll find someone suitable on the condition you act like a freaking gentleman, and don’t try and get into her panties.” Could I really trust Dan? I would have to think long and hard about who I would task with this ridiculous assignment.
“Hey I’ll act like a gentleman, but if she wants to let me into her panties, I ain’t saying no.” In true Dan style, he believed that all girls would eventually succumb to his charms and in truth, they usually did.
“Dan, if I’m putting my arse on the line for you then you better play this straight. Do not try me, your buddy Troy might not be around to stop me next time,” I warned, still unsure I wasn’t making the biggest mistake of my life.
“I’ll be good. I promise.” He winked as he moved out of his seat. “Just make sure she’s pretty.”
“Get out of here before I change my mind.” I could feel a migraine forming in my frontal lobe.
“Bye Lexi, call me later with the details and thanks.” He waved as he made his way to the door.
Troy hugged me quickly before making his exit. “Bye Lex, hope you enjoy the rest of your day.” His smile lingered as he pushed Dan out the door.
“Bye.” I sighed as I watched them both leave, absorbing the moment before reaching into my drawer and grabbing my phone. There was only one person I could trust with this. Someone who was sassy, intelligent and who wouldn’t take Dan’s shit. She also coincidently met the only criteria he had - she was stunning. I dialed her number and waited for her to answer, this was going to be the mother of all favours.