THE CRITICAL CURMUDGEON

With the single exception of Homer, there is no eminent writer, not even Sir Walter Scott, whom I can despise so entirely as I despise Shakespeare, when I measure my mind against his.
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW

Now we sit through Shakespeare in order to recognize the quotations.
OSCAR WILDE

Hamlet is a coarse and barbarous play . . . One might think the work is a product of a drunken savage’s imagination.
VOLTAIRE

Hamlet has been played by 5,000 actors—no wonder he is crazy.
H. L. MENCKEN

Are the commentators on Hamlet really mad, or only pretending to be?
OSCAR WILDE

He had one of the more wicked minds ever going.
TRUMAN CAPOTE on Mark Twain

One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens without laughing. OSCAR WILDE

He festooned the dung heap on which he had placed himself with sonnets as people grow honeysuckle around outdoor privies.
QUENTIN CRISP on Oscar Wilde

You have to be over thirty to enjoy Proust.
GORE VIDAL

He became mellow before he became ripe.
ALEXANDER WOOLLCOTT on Christopher Morley

Mr. Henry James writes fiction as if it were a painful duty.
OSCAR WILDE

If it must be Thomas, let it be Mann, and if it must be Wolfe let it be Nero, but never let it be Thomas Wolfe.
PETER DE VRIES

Odets, where is thy sting?
GEORGE S. KAUFMAN

He is a bad novelist and a fool. The combination usually makes for great popularity in the U.S.
GORE VIDAL on Alexander Solzhenitsyn

Capote should be heard, not read.
GORE VIDAL

Truman Capote has made lying an art. A minor art.
GORE VIDAL

That’s not writing, that’s typing.
TRUMAN CAPOTE on Jack Kerouac

He’s a second-rate Stephen Birmingham. And Stephen Birmingham is third-rate.
TRUMAN CAPOTE on Louis Auchincloss

The House Beautiful is the play lousy.
DOROTHY PARKER

Perfectly Scandalous was one of those plays in which all of the actors unfortunately enunciated very clearly.
ROBERT BENCHLEY

Number Seven opened last night. It was misnamed by five.
ALEXANDER WOOLLCOTT

There’s less here than meets the eye.
TALLULAH BANKHEAD on a Maeterlinck play

Ouch!
WOLCOTT GIBBS reviewing Wham!

I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions—the curtain was up.
GEORGE S. KAUFMAN

When I saw Annie (at a date’s insistence) I had to hit myself on the head afterward with a small hammer to get that stupid “Tomorrow” song out of my head.
IAN SHOALES

If you will only take the precaution to go in long enough after it commences and to come out long enough before it is over, you will not find it wearisome.
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW reviewing Gounod’s Redemption

Tonstant Weader fwowed up.
DOROTHY PARKER reviewing The House at Pooh Corner

The affair between Margot Asquith and Margot Asquith will live as one of the prettiest love stories in all history.
DOROTHY PARKER reviewing The Autobiography of Margot Asquith

Anybody who doesn’t like this book is healthy.
GROUCHO MARX on Oscar Levant’s The Memoirs of an Amnesiac

Very nice, but there are dull stretches.
COMTE DE RIVAROL on a two-line poem

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
DOROTHY PARKER

I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamed that I was reading on, so I awoke from sheer boredom.
HEINRICH HEINE

Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.
SAMUEL JOHNSON