Song of Solomon 1:1–8
Asignificant number of international students attend the University of North Texas, which is located in the town where I pastor a church. Through the years, my wife and I have had the opportunity to become acquainted with many international students. We do our best to make them feel at home in our city, explain our culture and customs to them and, as opportunities arise, share with them the gospel of Jesus Christ. As best we can, we answer their questions about the way Americans live and Christians worship.
Several of these international students have registered outright shock at the “barbaric” practice we seem to have of young people choosing marriage partners on the basis of whom they like or love. In their cultures, parents do the choosing based upon rather objective and rigid standards. No young person would be trusted to make a wise decision about something so important as a lifelong mate!
They ask, “Why do these young people think they can make a wise choice about marriage when they haven’t been married? Why do they think they are able to choose their own mates when they don’t even know who they are themselves, much less who they will become? Why don’t they trust their parents, who understand something about marriage and know that beauty is deceitful and charm is in vain?”
In their cultures, a marriage partner is chosen by mature adults based upon the character and virtue of both the individual and the individual’s family. A match based upon character and virtue becomes the foundation on which romance is expected to grow over time.
These foreign students have a point, in my opinion. For the most part, their cultures have a better track record on enduring marriages than our culture has.
In our culture we too often become consumed with the heady emotion called romance, and very quickly after marriage, we find that the romance evaporates to reveal two very flawed persons in a difficult world. When we discover that the bright and happy romance has devolved into the drudgery of daily living, and much to our dismay, we discover that our spouses have a shortage of character and virtue, we become discouraged and deeply frustrated, and we too often become divorced before the ink on the marriage license has dried. We are a nation of people quick to fall into romance, and then later, quick to bail out of commitment. What’s wrong about our system of dating and marriage?
The same thing that is so exciting about it: it is based on physical attraction.
TO WHAT ARE YOU ATTRACTED?
Before we get too deep in our look at attraction, let’s establish one point: attraction is both permissible and desirable. There is nothing wrong with being attracted to a person. If men were never attracted to women, or women to men, the human race wouldn’t continue.
Attraction, especially in our culture, is the first stage of any developing relationship—not only in love, but also in virtually any relationship that is formed once we are adults. If we don’t perceive a certain chemistry of being able to get along with another person, we are very unlikely to pursue a relationship long enough to develop a friendship or an ongoing business partnership, much less a marriage.
Attraction is two-tiered, however, and we need to be aware of both tiers before we move beyond attraction into the next phase of a romantic relationship.
Tier One: The Physical (Outward)
The first level of attraction that most people experience is physical attraction. When we like what we see, we tend to want to see more of what we like. Physical attraction goes beyond sight; it encompasses all of the senses. We are attracted by a person’s voice and laughter, fragrance and cleanliness, and touch or closeness. If any aspect of the physical is a turnoff to us, there is little chance of a relationship developing, at least on the basis of that encounter.
In the opening verses of the Song of Solomon, we find physical attraction at work: “The song of songs, which is Solomon’s. Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is better than wine” (Song 1:1–2). The woman was immediately and strongly attracted to Solomon. She found him utterly intoxicating, even more so than wine. She wanted to kiss him. Believe me, I’ve encouraged my wife to memorize these verses in six different versions of the Bible. I want her to think of me in this way always!
The song continues, “Because of the fragrance of your good ointments, your name is ointment poured forth; therefore the virgins love you” (Song 1:3). In Solomon’s day, men rarely bathed. They used scented oils and ointments on their bodies, both to keep their skin from drying out in the desert climate of the Middle East and to give a pleasing fragrance to their bodies. We do the same today with our aftershave lotions, colognes, and scented deodorants. There is attraction in fragrance, and the woman was openly complimenting the object of her attraction. She might as well have said, “Hey, you’re a good-looking man, very attractive and appealing to me.”
But notice another part of that same verse: “Your name is ointment poured forth.” Here is the real key to godly attraction. The woman was attracted to the man physically and spiritually. She was attracted to his reputation for godliness.
Tier Two: Character and Spirituality (Inward)
The second tier of attraction, much more important than the physical, is based on inner qualities—character and one’s spiritual relationship with God. In physical attraction, all of the magnets that draw us to another person are external, readily perceived on the outside. We don’t have to think about being physically attracted to another person. We automatically feel drawn to the person. Our response is based largely on intuition and feeling.
In character attraction, however, what draws us to another person is rooted deep on the inside. These signs are more difficult to read and understand at times. We may not automatically feel quickly drawn emotionally to a person of good character. Look at what attracted this woman.
“Your name is ointment poured forth,” said the woman. This statement has been translated in some versions as, “Your name is like purified oil.”
What does “your name” mean?
It is a direct reference to Solomon’s character, virtue, and integrity—all of which flowed from his relationship with God. Purified oil is the first pressing of oil from the olive trees that covered the hills surrounding Jerusalem, where
Solomon lived. The first pressing of oil—the extra virgin olive oil, the purest of the pure—was the oil used in the lampstand that burned day and night in the temple. The first pressing of any olive harvest went for temple use only. That was the firstfruits offering from the olive groves; it was designated solely for the worship of the Lord. Purified oil, therefore, was the best, but even beyond the best, it was the best given to God.
That’s what the woman saw and liked as much as she admired and was attracted to Solomon’s physical presence. She responded at a deep level to the fact that the man who stood before her was a godly man with a good reputation. His “name” was holy. One’s name entails all of one’s reputation and character. It is what the person really is. Solomon was a man of integrity to the woman. She stated plainly, “Therefore the virgins love you.” In other words, all the girls she knew thought Solomon was something special. They all were attracted to his physical being and his inner character.
So often today, girls will say about a guy, “He’s a real hunk.” The question begs to be asked, “A hunk of what?” There is nothing wrong with being handsome and appealing, but the real issue is not whether a man is good-looking but whether a man is looking for what is good in God’s eyes. Nothing is more discouraging for a woman than to be married to a man whom she discovers later she would not want as a waiter.
We’ve all heard the saying, “Beauty is only skin deep.” If we respond to a person only on the basis of outer beauty, we get a relationship that is as deep as that form of beauty— which is pretty shallow. We’ve also heard the saying, “Beauty is as beauty does,” or “Real beauty comes from the inside.” That’s the beauty flowing from a beautiful character. We must get to this second tier of attraction—the tier linked to one’s character—if we are to have a sound basis for moving on to other stages of a lasting romance.
Tier-one attraction—the physical—is automatic.
Tier-two attraction—character and the spiritual nature of a person—requires spiritual discernment and an objectivity on our part.
To the woman in the Song of Solomon, it was a wonderful thing for Solomon to be handsome, sweet-smelling, and highly kissable. It was an even more wonderful thing for him to have a godly character. She was attracted to him on both tiers, outward and inward.
A WIFE FOR ISAAC
The Bible tells us that when Abraham was old and “the LORD had blessed Abraham in all things” (Gen. 24:1), Abraham determined that the time had come for him to choose a wife for his beloved son, Isaac. Abraham called his most trusted servant to his side and gave him this command: “I will make you swear by the LORD, the God of heaven and the God of the earth, that you will not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell; but you shall go to my country and to my family, and take a wife for my son Isaac” (Gen. 24:3–4).
The servant naturally asked Abraham how he was to recognize the right young woman. Abraham responded, “[God] will send His angel before you, and you shall take a wife for my son from there. And if the woman is not willing to follow you, then you will be released from this oath; only do not take my son back there” (Gen. 24:7–8).
Notice Abraham’s requirements for selecting Isaac’s wife:
She was to be of Abraham’s family. In our language today as Christians, we would say, “Your spouse must be from the family of God—a fellow believer, one who truly has committed himself or herself to the Lord.”
She was to be willing to act on faith. Abraham made it very clear that Isaac’s wife was to leave her family and move to Isaac’s location, just as Abraham had once been called to leave his family and move out into the land God showed him. In other words, Abraham wanted Isaac’s wife to be a woman who was willing to risk all to follow the directives of the Lord. She was to be a woman who lived out an active faith.
The best spouse you can ever hope to have is one who does not claim a nominal relationship with the Lord—someone who goes to church occasionally, perhaps was baptized “way back there as a child,” or says he or she believes in God. If the person you choose to marry has such a lukewarm relationship toward the Lord, how lukewarm will that person’s love for you become as the years progress?
Choose to be attracted to a person who is living out faith in an active, vibrant way—a true follower and disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ, not just an occasional churchgoer.
She was to be revealed to Abraham’s servant by an angel. What does this mean to us? It means that we are to trust God to reveal a spouse to us. If you are not already praying that God will send to you His choice for you as a mate, I strongly encourage you to start praying such a prayer today. Ask God to make very plain to you the person He desires for you to date and to marry. Ask Him to send someone your way.
I heard about a young woman who was in her midtwenties, living in a small town in a fairly isolated area of the United States. She confided to a friend of hers that she was living in a two-horse town that didn’t even have two cowboys to ride the horses! She longed to be married but had absolutely no prospects for getting married. She felt at a loss as to where to move or what to do next.
She and her friend began to pray and trust God to send her a husband. Within a matter of weeks, this woman received a call from a man whom she had met several years previously. He lived more than two thousand miles away. She hadn’t had any contact with him for at least five years. When he called, he said, “I really don’t know why I’m calling, other than to regain contact with you. You’ve really been on my mind lately, and I keep recalling that we always seemed to communicate well and that you truly had a heart for God. I need a friend I can talk to and who shares my faith in Christ.” Well, this woman and her friend certainly knew why she had been on his mind lately!
The man and woman began to correspond and phone with increased frequency, they visited each other in their respective cities, and six months later they were married. They have been married for nearly twenty years now, have been active in lay ministry, and have a godly home.
I don’t know how God will answer your prayer for a godly mate—one to whom you are attracted both physically and spiritually—but I believe that He will provide such a mate for you. Trust God to lead you to that person or to lead that person to you.
She was to have a servant’s heart. Let’s look at one additional factor that was important in the selection of a wife for Isaac. The servant asked the Lord to give him a sign as to which woman he should approach. He prayed, “Now let it be that the young woman to whom I say, ‘Please let down your pitcher that I may drink,’ and she says, ‘Drink, and I will also give your camels a drink’—let her be the one You have appointed for Your servant Isaac. And by this I will know that You have shown kindness to my master” (Gen. 24:14). The chief servant in Abraham’s household knew what type of woman God desired for Isaac: a woman with a servant’s heart. Sometimes it takes a servant to recognize a servant. Isaac’s wife would not fulfill the role of a servant in Isaac’s home, but having a servant’s heart is a wonderful quality of character. Such a person is a generous giver, not a greedy taker.
Abraham’s servant had traveled more than five hundred miles north to the place where Abraham’s relatives lived. He had been given a caravan of ten camels laden with supplies for the journey and gifts for the chosen bride and her family. He was looking specifically for a young woman who would be willing to draw water from a well to satisfy ten camels. Now that’s a servant!
A camel can store up to thirty gallons of water in its body. Ten camels, three hundred gallons of water. Each camel was probably not in need of thirty gallons of water, but even if all of them were only “half empty” upon arrival in Haran, where Abraham’s family lived, the woman had a great deal of water to draw.
Let me assure you, there is nothing as winsome as a servant’s heart in a potential spouse. Is the person to whom you are attracted quick to give to others, quick to go the second mile in serving others, quick to offer assistance, quick to volunteer in the face of a need? Or does the person seem to live only for himself or herself, withdraw from the needs of others, or seek to satisfy only self?
A selfish, do-for-me-and-don’t-ask-me-to-do-for-you person is not someone with whom you will be happy for a lifetime. Such self-centeredness will soon grow old.
A godly person with active faith, who was quick to serve and had the full stamp of approval by God—that was the ideal wife for Isaac. And trust me, that type of person is going to make the best marriage material for any person seeking a mate. A self-centered, lukewarm person without the stamp of God’s approval is to be avoided.
PURITY IS GOD’S CHARACTER TEST
How can you evaluate whether someone has good character, possesses an active faith, is virtuous, and has a servant’s heart?
When God evaluates a person’s character, He looks for evidence of purity. Sin pollutes. Compromise clouds. The English word for “character” comes from the Greek word cherax or cherasso, each of which refers to the chiseling that is done by a metal engraving tool. Character refers to things that have been etched so deeply into a person’s soul that they are lasting marks, not easily changed or removed. Character is manifested in holiness, honesty, morality, temperance, and commitment to the Lord. Look for those traits.
HOW TO DISCERN GOOD CHARACTER
How can you discern good character traits? After all, you can’t just walk up to a person who appears to be your kind of person and say, “Hey, do you have good character?” If you do, you’re likely to get a line a yard long.
Behavior in Stressful Conditions
The best way I know for you to discern character is to observe what happens to that person when “pressed.” Recall that the woman in the Song of Solomon was attracted to his name being like “purified oil.” This oil comes from olives that are pressed. When great pressure is applied to ripe olives, out comes pure oil.
What happens to that person for whom you feel attraction when he or she is under pressure or feeling stressed out? What type of behavior does he manifest when things aren’t going his way, when times are tough, when deadlines are looming, when cash is in short supply, when he is having a bad day, or when someone hurts or rejects him?
Does the person manifest anger, withdraw to sulk in resentment, have a pity party that goes on and on, speak bitter or unkind words, shout obscenities, or seek revenge? If so, choose to be unattracted to that person as quickly as possible. That behavior is flowing from deep within. Change is certainly possible for such a person, but that change is likely to come slowly over time and be a sovereign work of God. Anger, bitterness, resentment, hatred, sullen and dark moods, and acts of revenge are all traits that I advise you to flee.
“But he’s not like that with me,” you may say.
“She doesn’t do those things in our relationship,” you may say.
Trust me. If the person to whom you feel attracted acts this way toward others who disappoint, hurt, or cause him stress, he will eventually manifest that behavior toward you. Maybe not today or tomorrow, or even next week or next month, but eventually.
You may be thinking, I’ve watched this person for quite a while and I’ve never seen her under stress. I don’t think she gets stressed.
Wait longer. Every person feels pressure at some time or other. Negative circumstances or situations totally beyond her control will eventually come around. Wait for that time to come. Observe the person closely when it does.
Reputation with Others
The woman in the Song of Solomon declared, “The virgins love you.” He had a solid reputation. He wasn’t just good-looking, but he was someone all the young women wanted to date.
What kind of reputation does the person to whom you are attracted have with other Christians, both of the same and of the opposite sex? Does the person have a reputation for obeying God?
The woman told Solomon what she and the other women thought: “We will be glad and rejoice in you. We will remember your love more than wine” (Song 1:4). The women considered it a privilege, a delight, and 100 percent noble and right to be with Solomon!
Ask yourself:
• Would I feel honored to be asked out on a date by this person?
• Would I feel privileged to be seen in church with the person to whom I am attracted?
• Would I love to bring this person home to meet Mom and Dad, Grandpa and Grandma, Aunt and Uncle?
You will be proud to be seen with and proud to have dated a person who has genuine character even if the two of you break up and the dating doesn’t lead to courtship or marriage.
I meet many young people who say, “Oh, I’m just dating this girl. She’s not the type I’d marry. This isn’t serious. It’s just for fun.”
My question is this: “Why aren’t you dating the type of person you would marry? What is keeping you from doing that? Are you aware that if you date the type of person you wouldn’t marry, you are creating your own reputation so that the type of person you would marry may not give you a second look?” You should always be in a position to say, “I am proud to have been seen with, to have dated, or to have courted that person in my past.”
Obedient to Authority
The desire and attraction that you feel for another person should have this element: the person is obedient to authority. Each of us is under some type of authority—for example, children are under the authority of their parents, parents are under the authority of pastors and various civic authorities. God has a chain of command in effect, and we are required to be obedient to those in authority as unto the Lord. Much has been said in our world today against submission, but submission is a theme running throughout the Bible. Each of us is required to submit to someone, at some time, regarding some thing.
The woman in the Song of Solomon began to lament her situation:
I am dark, but lovely,
O daughters of Jerusalem,
Like the tents of Kedar,
Like the curtains of Solomon.
Do not look upon me, because I am dark,
Because the sun has tanned me. (Song 1:5–6)
The woman believed she was lovely—she didn’t have an esteem problem about her physical features—but she did have a problem with the impression she believed she made. Her skin was very dark. The tents of Kedar, a Bedouin tribe, were made of black wool. The curtains of Solomon’s palace were a deep purple. The woman was of a sunburned complexion— dark and somewhat ruddy.
Women in that day prized fairness of skin because it meant they were “indoor girls.” They hadn’t been out in the fields working at hard physical labor; they had been pampered and sheltered inside their homes.
The woman gave the reason for her skin being dark: “My mother’s sons were angry with me; they made me the keeper of the vineyards, but my own vineyard I have not kept” (Song 1:6). She hadn’t been able to take the best care of her skin— her vineyard was her physical body—because she had been out working in her brothers’ fields. She was obedient to authority. She was a hard worker, not slovenly, lax, or rebellious against the work required of her.
We have other examples of hardworking women in the Scriptures. Consider Ruth the gleaner, Rachel the shepherdess, Zipporah the shepherdess, and the woman in Proverbs 31 who “strengthens her arms.” I tell young men routinely, “Marry a girl with some grit in her!”
Are you attracted to a person who is hardworking and obedient to authority? Choose to be! If you are physically attracted to someone who is rebellious against his or her parents— who refuses to submit to or respect parents as well as other authority figures—rethink your attraction. A person who refuses to obey human authority figures is going to rebel against the authority of God. Such a person is not going to want to fulfill the God-given roles required within marriage— a wife to submit to the decision-making authority of her husband, a husband to submit to the decision-making authority of Christ Jesus. Choose instead a person who yields to authority and who not only has respect for God’s power and commandments, but also is obedient to God’s leading and to keeping God’s rules for right living. Submission will be nothing new for the woman in the Song of Solomon.
WHEN ARE YOU READY TO MARRY?
Dating is a prelude to marriage. So many young people are concerned about when they are ready to date. They are ready to date when they are ready to begin the process of choosing someone to marry or when they have convictions they will not compromise.
I have counseled fifty-year-old people, grandparents even, who were not yet ready to date because they truly weren’t mature enough as individuals to marry. They had married and raised children, but in their hearts, they still were not ready for marriage. Until you are ready to begin the process of choosing a mate, you’ll find it better not to date one person exclusively. Go out with groups of friends. Make acquaintances and forge friendships. But date when you are ready to marry.
There are several prerequisites for knowing when to begin dating a person to whom you are attracted.
You are ready to date and marry when you have a silhouette in your mind of the kind of guy or girl you will choose to marry, and when you have resolved in your heart that you will not settle for less. I’m not talking about this as a silhouette: “What I really want is a guy who is six-two, with wavy blond hair and green eyes and a great body, makes a hundred thousand dollars a month, and drives a Porsche.” God may have such a person for you, but that should not be your silhouette. The problem is that you’ve given the details of an ideal mate without any outline of character.
A better silhouette would be: “He must love the Lord with all his heart, actively desire to follow God in all things, have a servant’s heart, and be the one for me that God chooses. He must be honest, moral, steadfast, and temperate. He must love me as much as he loves himself. He must have a good reputation, handle himself in a godly manner— even in times of stress—and be willing to yield to authority.” That’s a silhouette with well-defined edges. The details are ones you must trust God to fill in according to His desire.
I heard a young man say about his wife, “She doesn’t look at all like the type of girl I thought I wanted to marry when I was sixteen. I had a five-foot-two, eyes-of-blue, cheerleader type in mind when I was a teenager. A shorter, blonder version of a supermodel would have been just fine! My wife, however, is five-eight, brunette, and wouldn’t be chosen as the cover girl for a magazine. And now, after five years of marriage to this wonderful woman, I can’t imagine being married to anybody else. She is exactly my type.” He had defined the right silhouette of character and spiritual traits that he wanted in a spouse, and he had refused to settle for anything less. God gave him precisely the right woman for him.
You are ready to date and marry when you do not have to compromise any aspect of your relationship with God in order to be with the person to whom you are attracted. In the Song of Solomon we read,
Tell me, O you whom I love,
Where you feed your flock,
Where you make it rest at noon.
For why should I be as one who veils herself
By the flocks of your companions? (Song 1:7)
In the time of Solomon, a veiled woman who would appear in midday was a prostitute. The woman stated that she would not practice the immorality of being a veiled prostitute. She would not sacrifice her integrity and her reputation, or her chastity, to get a man. She had convictions.
If at any time you feel that you can’t, shouldn’t, or wouldn’t do something that you know is right before God for you to do, solely for the sake of winning the attention or heart of another person, put on the brakes! If a person laughs at you for praying, discounts the Scriptures and ridicules you for reading your Bible and believing in the truth of the Bible, scoffs at your attending church, or belittles the value of Christian fellowship, take that as a warning. The right person for you as a Christian believer is a spouse who will encourage you to grow in your faith and who will stand strongly by your side in your pursuit of all that God has for you and in obedience of all that God requires of you.
You are ready to date and marry when you are willing to be single rather than to make a bad choice of a marriage partner. For many young people, a point of desperation seems to come when they feel they just have to have somebody. They fear they are going to be left on the shelf, and rather than wait for God’s perfect timing and person, they rush out in haste to find the best person who is still available. Many young women who are seniors in college seem to give in to this fear. They want somebody, so they are willing to settle for just about anybody who pays attention to them and who is willing to get married.
My wife, Teresa, was a member of a sorority at East Texas State. Sorority life may be fine for some young Christian women, but my wife didn’t feel it was right for her. She said to herself, “I’m spending too much time looking for a guy.” She consecrated herself to God and made a commitment to have only God’s best in her life, and she subsequently felt led to attend Texas Women’s University, which wasn’t coed at the time. She had few dating opportunities. She took the stance, “God, I’ll wait on You to bring me the right guy.” And indeed, God brought us together.
Until you are truly willing to be single—rather than settle for second best in a spouse—you are not ready to date and marry.
There is more to learn about a person in the dating process, and that’s where we go next in the Song of Solomon and also in our progression toward a loving, intimate, and romantic marriage.
You are ready to date and marry when you are becoming the person that your ideal mate is praying about meeting. Remember that a Christian woman is God’s daughter. Why would God bestow a man of shallow character on His daughter? Why would He bestow a woman of shallow character on a man who is His son? Make sure that you are becoming an answer to prayer for a seeking Christian person.
Questions to Think About or Discuss
1. What are the character traits you believe to be the most important to see manifested in a potential mate? Are these qualities different from what you seek in a friend?
2. What qualities do you have to offer a potential mate?
3. Are you truly willing to be single rather than marry a person who is not a Christian or who is not right for you in God’s eyes?
4. To what degree do you think it is possible to change another person through your influence and presence?
5. What difficulties do you face in moving from tier-one attraction (physical/material) to tier-two attraction (character/spiritual)?