Two

The Person
You Choose
to Date

Song of Solomon 1:9–2:7

Iwas counseling a woman who had gone through a divorce, and she was very distraught as she sat in my office. In the most compassionate voice I have, I said to her, “Sister, lots of people go through a divorce.”

“Oh, I’m fine about the divorce,” she said. “It’s dating again that has me so upset!”

For most of us, dating truly is the best of times and the worst of times. Most of us who have been through the experience can look back and say, “I had my share of disasters.” Others sometimes look back—not after they are married, I hope—and say wistfully, “You know, there’s one person I wish I could have or would have dated.”

In dating, the first and oftentimes major hurdle is getting the person to whom you are attracted to ask you out. Or perhaps more from a guy’s point of view, getting up the courage to ask out the girl to whom you are attracted.

I was attracted to my wife long before we began dating. My wife also felt attraction before our first date.

I met my wife when I was a student in Campus Crusade for Christ in 1973. I noticed a young woman named Teresa Newman, who always seemed to be hauling around a whole gaggle of girls in her Torino. Any time our Campus Crusade director needed something done, he asked Teresa because she was faithful in following through on what she said she would do. She was a pretty girl, but more than that, she was a quality girl. I found myself watching her more and more, and looking for her more and more in a crowd. I began to say to myself, “Now, there’s a girl with character. I would want a daughter of mine to be just like that girl. I would want a son of mine to bring home a woman like her.”

The more I asked around about Teresa Newman, the more I got a consensus of opinion that she had a good reputation and a good heart.

I started to gather firewood.

Let me explain. If you want to start a lasting fire, you’re going to need some kindling and lighter fluid and serious firewood. If you have only the kindling and lighter fluid—which I liken to physical attraction and sexual passion—then you can produce a roaring blaze. The fire will go out in a matter of seconds or minutes, however. To build a really good fire, you need some serious firewood to place on top of that kindling and lighter fluid. You need to put lots of issues related to character and spiritual depth into proper position and context as you date. The glowing coals of love, morality, holiness, devotion, honesty, forgiveness, communication, and love for God take time to develop, and they come from the firewood you gather in the course of discovering more about each other’s character and spiritual relationship with God.

How did I gather firewood? I positioned myself a little closer to this young woman during times of small-group sharing. I asked her roommates about her. I went places that I thought she might go, and I accepted invitations to events and social gatherings where I thought she might be, so I could observe her in the ways she responded to others and to various situations.

The flame was ignited one autumn afternoon.

Teresa and I were playing touch football on the same team one afternoon at McKenna Park in Denton, Texas, when she fell and twisted her ankle. I ran over to see if she needed help. I helped her to her feet and then helped her hobble over to the sideline. Her eyes puddled up with tears. I could tell she was in pain.

She sat on the sideline while we finished the game, and then I went back over to her to ask, “How’s that ankle feeling, Teresa?”

“Oh, pretty good,” she said.

“Would you like for me to drive you home?” I asked.

A fellow I knew was interested in her came up about that time and also asked, “Teresa, can I give you a ride home?” She looked right at him with a degree of coldness in her voice and said, “No. I already have a ride.”

And so she did. I took her home. She prepared some hot chocolate, and we talked for about two hours. I thought I had known what a neat person she was before that time, but during that conversation I really discovered how special a woman she was (and she still is). If I had never been allowed to spend another hour with Teresa Newman, I would have concluded after that one afternoon, “Teresa Newman is a marvelous person.”

As it turned out, that first one-to-one encounter was more than twenty years and two children ago. She has become only sweeter and sweeter to me. Something clicked that day that allowed us to begin dating. We crossed the invisible hurdle between attraction and dating. We were ready not only to know more about each other, but also to know each other. You can gain a great deal of objective information about a person to whom you feel an attraction, but dating is the time when you gain firsthand knowledge about a person through your conversations and shared experiences. You really learn how a person responds to various situations and what she holds as her innermost beliefs, goals, dreams, and desires.

I don’t know what will happen in your particular case to move your feelings of attraction for a person into a dating relationship, but I believe that if you are truly seeking God’s best plan for your life, He will unfold the opportunity for dating to you. You’ll find a way across that attraction hurdle and into dating.

THREE THINGS REQUIRED FOR
SUCCESSFUL DATING

If you are going to be successful at dating, you are going to need these three things:

1. Time

Dating requires that you spend time together to get to know the person—brief, frequent encounters over a prolonged period. Avoid concentrations of time, such as entire days spent together, when you first begin dating. You need time between encounters to process the information you gain about a person. Too much, too soon, and you are likely to leap to conclusions that you would never make if you took the time to remain more objective. Dating requires time for having long, meandering conversations and for participating in public activities together, and in the process, getting to know each other better in a wide variety of settings and circumstances.

Don’t hurry the process. The more time you spend dating a person, the better you are going to know the person and the more likely you will be to make a rational decision about whether this is a person you want to marry. Dating is a time of evaluation.

Spend enough time together to see each other in group interaction and in stressful, even crisis, situations. Before any commitments are made, spend time together in the presence of both families, and spend time together doing real-life daily chores. I am not advocating that you live together prior to marriage—quite the contrary—but spend time together cooking in a kitchen, doing laundry at a Laundromat, shopping for groceries, running errands, and so forth. You can learn a great deal about a person’s values, ability to manage time and money, and personal preferences in such activities.

I know a number of couples who met in college when both partners were living in dormitories. They ate meals together in the college cafeteria, they studied together in the library, and some even attended chapel together at their Christian college. On the basis that they had dated for several months and had spent lots of hours together, they decided to get married. Unfortunately they had never been in each other’s home or hometown (except, perhaps, for very brief weekend or vacation visits). Neither had ever lived on his or her own—having to juggle a time schedule that included many mundane chores not in the dormitory routine. Neither had ever handled a budget, been responsible for rent or car insurance, or been responsible for life’s basic chores, such as shopping for groceries, preparing meals, or changing the oil in the car.

What a rude awakening they had after marriage! So many of the circumstances and situations that arose after the wedding would have been much easier to handle had each partner first learned to deal with some of life’s responsibilities as a single person.

2. A “No Strings Attached” Policy

Dating should not be obligatory in any sense of the word. If you begin to date a person exclusively, you have moved into courtship.

How can you maintain a “no strings” attachment too soon in the relationship? I recommend two things. First, go on group dates. Double- and triple-date with friends who are Christians. You’ll gain valuable information about how your date responds to you, how your date responds to other people, and how your date evaluates the behavior of others. Second, stay in public places.

One young man told me, “We went out to the park at night, got in the backseat of my car, and got tempted.” He seemed surprised by the fact! What did he expect? If you don’t want any strings attached to your dating relationship, avoid putting yourself in a situation for lust to take over. The apostle Paul wrote to the Romans: “Make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts” (Rom. 13:14).

Francis of Assisi referred to his body as “brother ass” because he felt that his body had a mind of its own and wouldn’t do what he wanted it to do. We all know that feeling.

The couple in the Song of Solomon had a picnic out in the open, in full view of the public: “Our bed is green. The beams of our houses are cedar, and our rafters of fir” (Song 1:16–17).

“Bed,” in this meaning, refers to a couch that was used for sitting on and sleeping on. They were outdoors, with the cedars and fir trees forming a canopy above them. It was a romantic setting, to be sure, but it was not a private setting.

The woman said, “I feel as if we own the whole world.” She felt like a queen with the best-ever mansion, yet there was no illicit relationship, no sexual encounter. Her feelings were of great freedom because there were no strings attached to their relationship, no cloudy issues, no unresolved gray areas. She knew where she stood with the man and he with her, and at the present stage of their relationship, they were living in individual freedom, yet enjoying each other’s company. That’s the ideal emotional environment for dating.

3. Respect

A third hallmark of any dating relationship should be respect. Respect and romance are first cousins. A woman who feels that a man respects her automatically feels that a man is being more romantic toward her. Men, if you really want to win the affection of a woman you are dating, show her respect. Express to her how much you like being with her. That’s far more important than telling her how much you love her, which may sound insincere to her if you proclaim your love too soon in the relationship.

Have you seen the old Jimmy Stewart movie in which a young man asks the Stewart character for the hand of his daughter in marriage? He says, “Can I marry your daughter?” and Jimmy Stewart replies, “Do you like her?”

The young man responds, “Yes, sir, I love her.”

“No,” the Stewart character replies, “I didn’t want to know that. I asked, ‘Do you like her?’”

Like is a critical prerequisite to love. If you don’t show respect to a woman, she will never believe that you truly like and admire her. And if she doesn’t have a sense that you like her, she will find it difficult to believe that you truly love her.

One of the major statements that Solomon made to the young woman was this: “I have compared you, my love, to my filly among Pharaoh’s chariots” (Song 1:9). That may not sound like the most romantic line you’ve ever heard, but let me explain what he meant. The pharaohs always had white horses. A white horse was readily visible for miles. Thus, great homage could be prepared for the pharaoh in advance of his arrival on the scene. The white horse of pharaoh was considered to be a virtual deity, and the horses were considered valuable possessions of the pharaoh. White horses were reserved exclusively for the pharaohs.

Solomon was expressing to the young woman that he saw her as extremely valuable, one in a million! She was beyond any monetary value or comparison.

When you truly respect a person you are dating, you should have this same feeling: you consider the person to be of extremely high value. The person you date should build you up.

So often, young people begin to take for granted the person they are dating. When that happens, the romance fizzles. The same is true for married couples. A woman said to me during a marriage counseling session, “I don’t ask that my husband be romantic. I just want him to be civil to me.” She went on to say something I’ll never forget. She said, “I wish he would treat me like a Denny’s waitress.”

I thought she was kidding. She wasn’t. She explained, “He treats a Denny’s waitress with kindness, even saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you.’ I never get that kindness.”

Kindness is a mark of respect. Respect is necessary for romance. A relationship without romance is flat, even dead.

How did the woman feel about Solomon? She confessed,

While the king is at his table,
My spikenard sends forth its fragrance.
A bundle of myrrh is my beloved to me,
That lies all night between my breasts.
My beloved is to me a cluster of henna blooms
In the vineyards of En Gedi. (Song 1:12–14)

One of the most precious possessions of any woman in Solomon’s time was a little pouch of perfumed spices and resins that she wore as a necklace. The pouch gave the woman her scent, which was a significant part of her identity. Have you ever caught the scent of a certain cologne and thought, That smells like my girlfriend? Aroma is a powerful identity creator.

And myrrh was one of the most expensive, most potent, and most aromatic resins. The woman was saying, “At night, my thoughts of you are like the aroma from my perfume pouch, which lies between my breasts. Your image fills my mind. I can feel your presence with me. I dream about you.”

Let me assure you, a woman doesn’t have pleasant dreams about a man who is unkind to her or who doesn’t show her respect.

The Combined Whole

Time, a “no strings” policy, and respect—these things ideally blend together during dating. The more time you spend dating a person, the greater your respect should grow. A “no strings attached” policy leads to respect, and increased respect results in both the man and the woman wanting to spend more time with each other. If you want to spend less and less time with a person you are dating, if respect wanes, or if you begin to feel that “strings” are being tied around you so that you no longer feel free to be yourself, back out of the dating relationship. This is not the right person for you!

DESIRABLE THINGS TO EXPECT
DURING DATING

When a dating relationship is in good order, each person can expect several things to happen as an automatic consequence of their spending time together.

A Desire to Listen and a Growing Ease in Communication

If you do not experience a growing depth of communication, your relationship is not likely to be one that should result in marriage. Communication is a big part of any ongoing relationship, especially a marriage. A typical man tends to feign listening ability during dating. He hangs on every word and makes all sorts of romantic gestures to capture the heart of the woman he desires.

A man is a hunter and conqueror. He is a trophy seeker. He desires to pursue a woman until he captures her love, then keeps her in a cage to do the cooking and housekeeping and bear children while he is off to new conquests. That isn’t a marriage; it’s a hunting expedition.

Such a man is likely to give the woman he dates a flower every day, but if the woman becomes his wife, she’ll probably not see another flower for years.

A key question a woman should ask during dating is this: Does he really listen to me and seek out my opinion and ideas? Any man can do the romantic thing temporarily. Any man can be on his best behavior for a season. Any man can show good manners, a civil tongue, and tender kindness for a while. A man who truly knows how to listen, however, has the capacity to continue to listen.

Most women are pretty good at determining if a man is sincere in his listening. Women tend to be excellent communicators, and they know if someone is just pretending to listen or if the person is truly listening, responding, and asking the right kinds of questions.

One of the greatest things you can ever do as a man is to develop good listening skills—not only for your wife’s sake, but also for your own sake. Those who are excellent at listening and good at asking probing questions—for example, “How do you feel about that?” “What do you think about that?” “Why do you hold that opinion?”—tend to be slow to anger and slow to argue. They generally acquire more information about what makes another person think and respond as she does, and as a result, they tend to be more compassionate and patient with the other person. Listening is a universal sign of wisdom.

If you find yourself in an argument, apologize quickly and back away to a neutral position from which to listen again with renewed interest. My advice to men is that they never win an argument. Do so and lose a mate. I personally am 0 for 1,000 in my win-loss record of arguments. I let my wife express herself, then I go off by myself, consider what happened that led to the argument in the first place, and try to determine how I might avoid that situation in the future. I replay the conversation, listening more intently with my “spiritual ears” to what was truly taking place. If there are changes to be made, they are much better discussed in calm and peaceful terms at a time when emotions aren’t running high and an argument isn’t in full swing. Good listening nearly always results in better understanding and greater peace.

A person who feels as if she is talking to a wall, does not seem to be getting much feedback, or feels totally shut out of a conversation because her opinions and feelings don’t matter should take a long, hard look at the dating relationship. If a person doesn’t listen intently to you during dating, he isn’t likely to listen to you intently after you are married.

The woman had a profound sense that Solomon was paying attention to her and to her alone. She said,

I am the rose of Sharon,
And the lily of the valleys.
Like a lily among thorns,
So is my love among the daughters. (Song 2:1–2)

What a change from her view of herself earlier (Song 1:5)! Solomon had raised her self-esteem. She felt the same about Solomon: “Like an apple tree among the trees of the woods, so is my beloved among the sons” (Song 2:3).

Each phrase is in the singular. Roses and lilies are rare flowers in the Middle East. They bloom quickly and appear only for a brief season. They are beautiful and highly valued. In like manner, apple trees are not frequently cultivated in the Middle East. They are rare and highly prized. An apple tree has fruit that neither a fir nor a cypress tree has. What is the interpretation of these statements? The two people— Solomon and the woman in his song—were totally caught up in each other’s presence. They didn’t see or hear anybody else around them; they were focused completely on each other. They were listening to and intensely interested in each other. They saw each other as one of a kind, one in a million, and they valued the time they spent together.

A Growing Feeling of Endearment

During dating you discover whether you have feelings of endearment for the person you are dating. Do you find yourself wanting to call her by pet names? Do you have a loving nickname for him?

Couples who are deeply in love and have a good marriage usually have terms of endearment reserved exclusively for their spouses. It might be “sweetie,” “doll,” or “darling.” I tend to call my wife “sugar” or “honey.”

When did I first begin to use these terms? As we progressed in our dating relationship and grew in tenderness and appreciation.

If you do not feel protective, comforting, or loving toward the person you are dating, or do not find yourself feeling affection to the point that it overflows into your vocabulary, reconsider your relationship.

Criticism or a belittling attitude can quickly destroy feelings of endearment in a dating relationship.

I was counseling a husband and wife who were having some serious problems in their marriage. I immediately noticed how often the husband interrupted his wife to correct her. Many of his statements about her, including ones he made in her presence, were critical. She did not have the same level of education that he had, and he often referred to her lack of intelligence or her lack of information. At times, his tone was outright mocking.

How had she responded to the growing criticism over the years? She had lost all interest in him sexually. She had closed the bedroom door to him. Frankly I couldn’t blame her for her actions. Who wants to give herself to a disrespectful person who demeans her for twenty three and a half hours a day and then expects pure bliss from her the remaining half hour?

Over the years this woman’s self-esteem had plummeted to an all-time low. Physically she looked like a model. She was so beautiful that men were often very self-conscious talking to her. Yet she had no understanding of her beauty. She felt ugly and stupid.

In a word, all endearment had vanished from the relationship. A critical tongue killed it.

If the person you are dating dumps a load of criticism on you periodically or completely ignores you in a group—both of which can cause a feeling of inferiority or insignificance— seek to end your dating relationship. The criticism and abandonment will not decrease with marriage; they are much more likely to increase.

Dating is a time for building each other up, for seeking out the best in each other and appreciating these traits. Nothing takes the place of a genuine compliment during dating. Such a positive comment says to the other person, “I recognize the goodness in you.”

Let me add one more thing about abusive behavior since a precursor to many cases of physical abuse is verbal abuse. If you experience any abusive behavior whatsoever in your dating relationship—verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual—get out of the relationship as quickly as you can. Abusive behavior does not disappear over time; if anything, it intensifies, and its eruptions have increasingly catastrophic results. Abuse is not rooted in love or hate; it is rooted in issues related to power and self-identity within the abusive person. The issues are not easily resolved, and if you are the date of an abusive person, it is not your role to resolve them. You should feel 100 percent safe in the presence of a person you are dating at all times.

The woman felt completely safe in Solomon’s presence: “I sat down in his shade with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste” (Song 2:3). She was entirely at ease with Solomon. She experienced no threatening or unsettling moments in his presence. The apostle Paul told us that a man should nourish and cherish his wife. (See Eph. 5:29.) The woman experienced that in their premarital relationship. In his “shade” she was cherished. By his “fruit” she was nourished. And note: this must start before marriage. Never trust a future mate to do a turnaround after marriage.

Safety and endearment are nearly always expressed in good manners and acts of kindness. Let me give a few words of advice to men. Never walk in front of the woman you are dating or in front of your wife. Walk by her side. Pull out her chair for her. Open the door for her. Treat her as if she is your singular rose, the most precious person in your life.

Let me also give a few words of advice to women. Never tear down the reputation of the man you are dating, especially in the presence of others. Build him up. Thank him for his kindness to you. Appreciate all he does on your behalf. Treat him as the only apple tree in a pine forest.

A Lack of Pressure

Do you feel any pressure from the person you are dating to do things that you don’t believe are right before God? Is the person asking you to go places or to engage in activities in which you are spiritually uncomfortable?

A woman told me this story about her dating experience. She had liked two boys at the same time when she was in high school. The boys were friends, and the three of them often went out together on group dates. She liked some things about one boy, other things about the other boy. She said, “If I had been forced to choose, I’m not sure which choice I would have made—until the night we went to the movie.”

She and the two young men had gone to an R-rated movie just shortly after movies were rated. They went more out of curiosity to see what an R-rated movie was like than because they desired to see the particular movie. When certain disturbing scenes came on the big screen, the young woman felt uncomfortable and began to fidget. One of the boys leaned over to her and said, “Just relax, this scene will pass. It’ll be all right.” The other young man said, “I think we should get up and leave. It isn’t right to be seeing this.” He stood up, the young woman stood up also, and the two of them left the theater, leaving their third friend behind to watch the rest of the movie.

Which young man do you suppose this woman went on to date and several years later, to marry? Of course, the guy with the courage to say, “No, this is wrong.” He was also the guy who was sensitive enough to her feelings to know that even if he hadn’t initially felt anything was wrong with the movie, he was aware that she was uncomfortable and he acted in her best interests.

If you are feeling pressured to engage in acts that you believe are immoral, take note! The person you are dating apparently doesn’t fear the standard of God in a dating relationship. And believe me, if he will not obey God when you are dating as single young adults, there is very little likelihood that he will suddenly begin to obey God once you are married. If the person you are dating puts his own “needs” ahead of God’s commands, he very likely will continue to be a me-first person in marriage, oblivious to God’s call on his life to love you as Christ loves the church.

The couple in the Song of Solomon drew close spiritually, socially, and emotionally, but no physical touch occurred before marriage. The man would in no way cause the woman to compromise her faith.

An Open Acknowledgment of Your Dating Relationship

If you are dating a person, you should not care in the least that the entire world knows it. This is not a time for secrecy or hidden agendas.

I recently heard about a woman who was in her thirties, had never been married, and had dated a young man for two years. She finally broke off their relationship despite her deep feelings for him. Why the breakup? In those two years, he had never once suggested that they go over to his parents’ house for a visit, even though they lived only twenty miles away in a neighboring town.

He had told her that he didn’t want to upset his parents with the fact that he was dating someone, and that he didn’t want them to pry into his life. She came to realize that he didn’t care to go public about their relationship. Not only was he reluctant to take her to his parents’ house, but he always seemed to prefer to stay at home and watch a video rather than go out to dinner or be seen with her in public places. He told her that he wasn’t embarrassed about their relationship, but all of his actions said otherwise. He was hiding something—either her from the world or the world from her.

The woman and man in the Song of Solomon had an open-to-the-public relationship: “He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love” (Song 2:4). The banqueting table was a large area, usually occupied by many people. Solomon wasn’t at all ashamed to let the entire world know he was dating the young woman.

And that’s the way it should be. Not that you engage in a great deal of PDA (public display of affection), but that you are not the least bit ashamed for any person to know that you are dating. If you have any qualms at all about what others will think if they discover you are dating, question your relationship seriously. You should be dating someone who has the full approval of all who truly love you and desire God’s best for you.

Notice, too, that the woman stated, “His banner over me was love” (v. 4). A banner was used in many ways in the Scriptures, and nearly all of those ways applied to the romantic relationship developing between Solomon and the woman. A banner was

• a mark of identity. A banner was used in war to identify a king’s troops. The woman had no doubt as she entered the banqueting hall that she was with Solomon. She knew he had chosen to be identified with her and to have her identified with him.

• a mark of presence. Kings who had multiple residences often used banners to indicate when they were at home in a particular palace or fortress. The woman knew when she walked into the banqueting hall that all eyes were upon her and that everybody in the room knew that she was with Solomon and he was with her. They had arrived as a couple, and they would depart as a couple. They were at home with each other in the midst of that public setting. They were with each other, present to each other. Any person who might intrude into their relationship was only a temporary visitor, not a resident of their relationship.

• a canopy of spiritual blessing. Even today in Jewish weddings, a prayer shawl is suspended like a banner above the couple being married. It is a sign that the two are becoming one flesh, one identity, and that what they are doing is acknowledged as good and right before God. They are going to dwell under the same tent and under the blessing of God.

The woman in the Song of Solomon felt a banner of love over her. She had a knowing in her spirit that Solomon was doing the right thing by her before the Lord and that their relationship was in good spiritual order. Nothing had been done to violate the purity or sanctity of their relationship. They were candidates for all of God’s blessings.

A PERIOD OF GROWING PASSION

A natural phenomenon of dating is a desire to give of oneself. The more respect a person has for another, and the more time spent together, the more the desire to express respect and affection in tangible, physical ways. A part of this growing desire is certainly a sexual desire.

The first line of intense sexual passion that we find in the Song of Solomon is this: “Sustain me with cakes of raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am lovesick” (Song 2:5).

You may protest, “Tommy Nelson, you have a strange sense of passion and romance if you think those words relate to sexual arousal.” But let’s take a look at what those lines meant in Solomon’s time. The woman was clearly saying, “I want this man. I want to have sex with him.”

Why raisin cakes? Raisin cakes were highly regarded love enhancers in Solomon’s time.

King David brought the ark of the covenant into Jerusalem with much fanfare and celebration. At the time the ark finally was placed in Jerusalem, the nation was at peace and united both politically and spiritually. There were joy in the land and a growing sense of prosperity. The kingdom had been established, righteousness was prevailing, and the covenant with God (established through Moses) was expected to be enjoyed. It was a time for men in military service to settle down and raise families.

After David had finished making burnt offerings and peace offerings to God in thanksgiving for the safe arrival of the ark, he blessed the people in the name of the Lord. Then he distributed among all the people—both to women and to men—a loaf of bread, a piece of meat, and a cake of raisins, and then he sent each person back to his own home. (See 2 Sam. 6:19.)

A cake of raisins was considered to be an aphrodisiac. The raisins were considered to be “seeds” that could increase the “seed” of a couple so that conception was enhanced. In very broad and general terms, David was sending his soldiers home to have a nice dinner and then share good and productive sex with their wives. Raisin cakes were used also in pagan fertility rituals with the expectation that children would result. (See Hos. 3:1.)

What about apples? “Apple” is our English translation of several types of fruits considered to be of the pome order— fruits including quince, apple, pear, and pomegranate. The fruits were rich in color and rich in readily identifiable seeds, especially the pomegranate, which is probably the true “apple” in this verse. Pomegranates were considered to be very sexual—juicy, ripe, seed-filled, rich in red color—all analogous to sexual organs and the fruitfulness of the human body.

The woman truly was lovesick. She had so much passion that she almost felt nauseous. She could hardly wait to have sexual intercourse with Solomon. She ached to be one with him. Consider her next words: “His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me” (Song 2:6).

Her eager anticipation was for sexual intercourse; the statement was a description of a sexual position. She was longing for Solomon to cradle her in his arms and fondle her.

The Need for Restraint

As two people court, moving closer and closer to a decision about marriage, their passion should naturally grow. This is part of God’s design, His plan, His purpose.

Some people adopt a posture of such extreme holiness that you wonder how they ever have children. Where do they think sex and passion and desire come from? They are gifts from God, who made us to bear children and knew that passion and desire would be parts of the human sexual experience.

Did you know that for many centuries, Jewish boys were not permitted to read the Song of Solomon because the book was believed to stir strong sexual passion? The book is erotic and intoxicating in its references to sexual love. This first reference is only one of many such references, and it occurs during the period in which we might say the couple were courting. Their love had not yet found fulfillment in marriage, and they had not yet experienced a sexual union. Even so, they were anticipating both marriage and sex.

Let me be very clear about one thing. At no time in God’s Word is sex apart from marriage considered honorable, right, or in keeping with God’s plan. Marriage first, sex after the vows are said—that is God’s plan. Sexual promiscuity, living together before marriage, and sex outside marriage are wrong in God’s eyes. No extenuating circumstances. No “ifs.” No “ands.” And no “but what abouts?” Sex outside the bounds of marriage is labeled in the Scriptures either as fornication (between unmarried participants) or as adultery (one or both participants are married). And the Bible records the negative consequences, some of them quite severe and even deadly, that follow from fornication and adultery.

Is this message of restraint and marriage-only sex in the Song of Solomon? It certainly is, and it appears right after the woman’s exclamation of her sexual desire. Solomon asserted,

I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem,
By the gazelles or by the does of the field,
Do not stir up nor awaken love
Until it pleases. (Song 2:7, emphasis added)

Two interpretations are possible. First, the gazelle is an antelope—one of the sleekest, most beautiful of all animals, rare in the Middle East but highly valued. It is lean, supple, and youthful in its appearance, easily startled and flushed from its hiding places. The same is true for the doe, a female deer. It is considered a gentle, easily awakened or frightened animal, beautiful and tender in appearance but quick to take flight. Solomon was saying, “I adjure you, young women, do not allow your natural, youthful sexual desires to be quickly inflamed. Do not rush into a sexual encounter like an innocent gazelle is flushed from a thicket. Do not awaken sexual passions before they can be rightfully expressed within the marriage relationship.”

Another interpretation is that a gazelle is a beautiful, gentle creature. A man should treat a woman as such. Consider Proverbs 5:19: “As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times.” Solomon could have been expressing, “You are too precious and lovely in my sight to ever harm.”

In either case, Solomon was saying, “What this woman feels for me is good—in fact, it’s great, it’s fantastic. But not yet, Dear. Wait just a little longer.” How balanced is this book’s treatment of sexuality! It presents sex as truly passionate and good and yet holy and intended for God’s ordained moment.

Let me add a little Shakespeare to Solomon. Prospero was speaking to Ferdinand, who asked for the hand of his daughter in marriage:

Prospero:

Then, as my gift and thine own acquisition
Worthily purchased, take my daughter: but
If thou dost break her virgin-knot before
All sanctimonious ceremonies may
With full and holy rite be minister’d,
No sweet aspersion shall the heavens let fall
To make this contact grow: but barren Hate,
Sour-eyed Disdain, and Discord shall bestrew
The union of your bed with weeds so loathly
That you shall hate it both; therefore take heed,
As Hymen’s lamps shall light you.

Ferdinand:

As I hope
For quiet days, fair issue [children], and long life,
With such love as ’tis now, the murkiest den,
The most opportune place, the strong’st suggestion
Our worser genius can, shall never melt
Mine honour into lust, to take away
The edge of that day’s celebration.

In case you didn’t catch the full meaning of this older version of English, Prospero was warning his future son-in-law, “If you violate my daughter before the wedding, God will curse your sex life after your wedding.” Ferdinand declared that even the devil (the strong’st suggestion, our worser genius) couldn’t make him do that because he really wanted a loving wife, a quiet temperament to his home, children, and a long life.

And in your heart, so do you.

Keep the Fires Contained

Would you set a fire in your living room? No? Do you have a fireplace in your home? If you have a fireplace, you likely set a fire in your living room, but you keep it contained in the device made explicitly for keeping a fire contained—your fireplace made of brick, glass, metal, with pokers and screens all designed to keep the fire precisely where you want it.

That same analogy applies to sexual fire in a relationship. Keep it in bounds. A fire kept in bounds provides warmth, happiness, and comfort. Out of bounds it destroys everything in its path.

As I lay in bed with my wife on our honeymoon, I thought repeatedly, Sex sure is a neat institution! I didn’t feel as if I had to write a love letter to tell my wife how I felt about her. I could show her my love in a fullness of physical response. At the same time, I realized that had I tried to express to her my feelings by the vehicle of sex prior to our marriage, she would not have perceived that my meaning was love; rather, she would have felt used or, at the minimum, led away from

God’s commands. Prior to marriage, we both would have felt guilt, which would have damaged our relationship. After marriage, we both felt tremendous freedom, release, and joy. Sex enhanced our relationship like the frosting on a cake.

Sex outside marriage always follows a law of diminishing returns. Why? Because the emphasis is on sex, and sexual gratification by itself is consuming and escalating. Just as a fire out of bounds grows and grows until it rages out of control and destroys everything in its path, so, too, with sex outside marriage.

Remember the first time you held hands with a person of the opposite sex and it meant something to you? It was like six hundred volts of electricity going into your hand, probably to the point that your palm got a little clammy! The first time you put your arms around someone’s waist or held a person tight—more voltage! But once you had moved to holding a person tightly or kissing a person, hand holding was no big deal. The thrill of it had been replaced by a greater thrill. And such is the escalation. I don’t care if you are a Texan or an Eskimo or an African, the escalation is nearly always the same: head to head, face to face, mouth to face, mouth to mouth, hand to body, body to body. Eventually a sexually illicit relationship peaks and burns itself out, just like a wildfire that finally rages all the way to a river’s edge.

Keeping a fire going requires boundaries and appropriate fuel. In marriage, that fuel is growing respect, tenderness, admiration, mutual desires and dreams, mutual Christlike relationships with others (extended family, children, friends, business associations, community relationships), memories and traditions established over time, romance and ongoing expressions of affection, and so forth. Sex outside marriage does not have either boundaries or appropriate fuel.

Sex is demanding outside marriage. Each person demands

“rights,” insisting on gratification of self. Sex within marriage takes on an entirely new dimension, that of giving to the other, including those times when desire may not be strong. A godly man is going to understand and maintain respect for his wife in those times when she is unable or undesirous of ardent sexual encounters. A godly woman is going to understand and maintain respect for the needs of her husband and do her best to satisfy those needs, even at times when she is not feeling particularly amorous. Why is this true in marriage and not in sexual relationships apart from marriage? Because marriage involves a lifelong commitment; the expectations and “giving” motivations associated with a long-range view of a relationship are very different from the expectations and “getting” motivations in a relationship where neither party truly can count on the other person being there in the morning.

Dating is a time for growing restraint. A balance must be struck. Pace yourself. Keep yourselves within boundaries. Choose to live out your relationship according to God’s plan rather than according to your hormones. Hormones tend to run amok very easily.

In all situations, a person will choose to live according to God’s way or man’s way. The problem with man’s way is that it changes and always fails. God’s plan, on the other hand, is always perfect, directional, prescriptive, and rewarding.

Keeping sexual behavior in the right context in dating is tantamount to this advice (which we will look at again in the next chapter) in the Song of Solomon: “Catch us the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vines, for our vines have tender grapes” (Song 2:15). Don’t let anything sneak in and spoil the purity of your relationship during courtship. You will be shortchanging yourself of many benefits down the road. Your bodies are precious vineyards. Protect them!

THREE QUESTIONS TO ASK
WHILE DATING

As you date, look for the spiritual disciplines and spiritual direction evident in the life of the one you are dating. Don’t rely on “someday I want to” or “I know I need to” or “after I’m married, I hope to” statements. Look for the evidence today in the life of the person you are dating. If you don’t find it today, there is little chance it will spontaneously appear tomorrow and last into the next decade. Spiritual disciplines and direction flow naturally from an individual’s relationship with the Lord. They should not be things that a person initiates or begins to do simply to enhance a dating relationship. Ask yourself,

1. Does the person have a daily quiet time with the Lord?

Few spiritual disciplines are as revealing as this one. If a person has a daily quiet time with the Lord—to read the Scriptures and communicate with the Lord in prayer—then that person is putting himself into a position to be led and directed by the Lord on a daily basis. His faith is alive and active. His intent is focused. He is disciplined in his walk with the Lord. Nothing gives greater security than knowing of a mate’s unwavering devotion to Jesus.

Such a person is someone the Lord can convict and nudge into right behavior very easily—including convicting that person when he treats you improperly and nudging that person into the right ways in which you should be treated before the Lord. A person with a daily discipline of being with the Lord is a person whom the Lord can change and transform. And believe me, it’s much better for the Lord to be nagging your beloved spouse into right paths and right behaviors than for you to be in that role.

My wife, Teresa, has missed having a quiet time with the Lord only one day in the last twenty years. On that day, she had surgery, and the surgeon inadvertently cut an ovarian artery. While she was in the recovery room after the surgery, she began to go into shock, and as she was about to die, they rushed her back into the operating room, repaired the damage, and saved her life. On that particular day, she didn’t have a quiet time with the Lord. The next day, however, when she couldn’t even focus her eyes, a man from our church visited her, and she asked him to read to her from the Scriptures.

2. Is the person involved actively in a Christian church or other body of believers?

My wife did not go to a couple of Campus Crusade meetings and then drop away when she didn’t find somebody to date. She was not a sporadic churchgoer. To the contrary, she was deeply committed to the Christian groups to which she belonged, and she could be counted on to be a faithful member through good times and bad.

3. Does the person desire to pursue the same type of spiritual life and ministry that you desire to pursue?

My wife and I have several wonderful things in common. We both want to win people to Christ. We want to be able to share the gospel with as many people in our lives as possible. My wife has a special heart for leading children to the Lord, and I also have a great love for young people.

I quickly discovered in my dating relationship with Teresa that she was more than willing to be a pastor’s wife. She hadn’t grown up as a pastor’s child, and neither had I, but we both desired to serve the Lord and were willing to make the sacrifices necessary to be in full-time church-related ministry.

If you discover during a dating relationship that the Lord has a specific call upon the life of the person you are dating, and you can’t relate fully, completely, and wholeheartedly to that call, back away from dating further. You may be on a similar path now, but eventually a “Y” is going to appear in the road and you are likely to be going in two different directions that will become increasingly divergent. Find a person who is running in the same direction at the same speed you are. If you continue alongside each other, you just may decide you want to run together!

DEVELOPING AN “US” IDENTITY

As you thumb back through this chapter, I hope you discern that the longer you date a person, the more you should feel as if you are developing something between you that has an “us” identity to it. You should start to feel as if you are a team of two, walking in the same direction, of like mind and heart before the Lord, eager to work together and to pull together at tasks that may become mutually yours. If you do not have a sense of growing together, then you must face up to the fact that you are probably growing apart. Dating will put you into one mode or the other—either moving toward each other or moving away from each other.

Don’t fear putting an end to a dating relationship that seems to be going nowhere. Thank God for the good times you have enjoyed together and the lessons you may have learned about yourself and about how to relate to other people. Then move on. Those who force a relationship to endure are likely to be in a relationship that forever requires great effort and affords little mutual satisfaction.

When you find a person you enjoy dating—a person with whom you have increasingly good communication and a growing spiritual kinship, for whom you have continued respect and greater feelings of endearment, and about whom you have no embarrassment and no fear—you will eventually come to the point where you begin to court that person.

Courting is different from mere dating—both for the couple in the Song of Solomon and for us today. The term may sound old-fashioned, but courting is a vital step in a growing relationship marked by love, intimacy, and romance. It’s a wonderful season to experience!

Questions to Think About or Discuss

1. Does your dating relationship have the three hallmarks of time, a “no strings attached” policy, and respect?

2. What would cause you to stop dating a person once you started a dating relationship?

3. Are you a better person and a better Christian because of your dating relationship?

4. What do your strongest Christian friends think about the person you are dating?