Four

The Wedding
God Desires for
You to Have

Song of Solomon 3:6–11

God’s plan for any young couple getting married is that they have a holy, pure, and joyful wedding celebration to unite their lives as one spiritually, emotionally, and socially. And then, that they have a glorious, rapturous, and steamy wedding night in which to celebrate their wedding and unite their lives as one sexually.

It’s a plain and simple plan. It’s also a plan that works.

A recent survey concluded that 80 percent of the relationships in which couples were living together without marriage vows end in separation. Sixty percent of those who are married by a justice of the peace are divorced later. Forty percent of those who are married in churches eventually divorce. And those who read their Bibles together daily divorce only at the rate of 1 out of 1,050!

On that basis alone, and if I had no other reason, I would recommend that a couple wait until marriage for sex, get married in a church as part of a holy and sacramental ceremony, and then read their Bibles together on a daily basis. At the heart of any good marriage is a spiritual bond. Sex should flow out of that bond and enhance that bond. But until the spiritual bond is there, fully in place at the time of the wedding, the sexual bond is not likely to hold over time.

As a pastor, when I marry a couple, I stand at the bottom of the steps that lead up to the platform. I greet the people, I thank God for the occasion that has brought us all together, and then I ask both the groom and the bride to make a vow in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Ghost that they will not divorce each other and will treat each other with kindness, love, tenderness, and sanctity, remaining utterly faithful to each other for the rest of their lives. It is only after they have made such a vow, with a full awareness that to take a vow in the name of God and then turn one’s back upon it is to break one of God’s foremost commandments, that I invite them to step up to the highest area to consecrate their marriage.

The most important part of any wedding ceremony is the intent of both individuals regarding marriage.

If you are thinking, Well, I want to get married, but if this doesn’t work out as I hope it will, I’ll bail out; if you are thinking, We’ve come this far and I’m afraid I’ll embarrass myself by backing out, even though I have serious questions about whether I can fulfill my marriage vow; if you are thinking, I love this woman, and I want to be with her as long as our love lasts; or if you are thinking, I’m not sure whether a person can be faithful to another person all his or her life, but I’ll be faithful as long as I can be, you are not ready to marry. You are desiring a sexual affair, not a marriage.

Marriage should be entered into only if you are 100 percent desirous of making a vow before God to love the person who is standing by your side regardless of what happens and for as long as you both live.

A GREAT WEDDING IS A DIVINE
APPOINTMENT

A great wedding has several hallmarks. The first is this: a wedding is a holy and divine moment.

Look at the description in the Song of Solomon as this couple entered into marriage: “Who is this coming out of the wilderness like pillars of smoke . . . ?” (Song 3:6). This is a reference to the wandering of the children of Israel in the wilderness, led from place to place by the Spirit of God who manifested Himself in the form of a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night.

The couple had a keen understanding that God brought them to that point. Their wedding was a holy moment, a divine appointment. They openly recognized that God was the “author” of their relationship, and they put themselves into a publicly acclaimed position of trusting God to be the “completer” or the finisher of their relationship in the years ahead.

If you are thinking of your wedding as only a legal transition from being unmarried to being married, or as only a party in which you share your love with your friends, think again. Your wedding is a moment both partners should anticipate as a sacred moment. The word sacrament means literally “sacred moment,” and the sacrament of marriage is just that, the sacred moment of marriage. It is a moment in which God is fully present as the foremost witness to the wedding vows.

A GREAT WEDDING IS A TIME FOR
CELEBRATION AND JOY

As Solomon approached his wedding, we have this description of him: “Perfumed with myrrh and frankincense, with all the merchant’s fragrant powders” (Song 3:6). Those were symbols of sweetness and celebration. The very atmosphere of the wedding was going to be the very best of the best.

One of the best weddings I have ever seen was one in which I participated at First Baptist Church in Dallas a number of years ago. The groom was a leader of the Hispanic community in greater Dallas and a member of our church in Denton. He married a lovely woman who was also Hispanic. Everything about their wedding had a decidedly Hispanic flair. After another pastor and I had walked to the front of the church, trumpets began blaring at the back of the church. People entered carrying Christian banners, which they brought forward to the front. Then came the dancing girls—yes, dancing girls, right there in the sanctuary at First Baptist—floating and twirling in joyful praise all the way to the front of the church. Then came the bridesmaids and groomsmen, all of whom looked radiant and joyful. Then the bride and her father walked down the aisle in great fanfare. With the entire congregation on its feet, the father declared, “All things have been done in order, this man has courted and loved and done honorably by my daughter.” Then he cried to the back of the sanctuary, “Receive your wife!” The back doors swung open, and the joyful groom nearly ran up the aisle to stand before me with his beloved. What a day! What a celebration!

Your wedding may not have that particular flair to it, but it certainly should be a time of joy, sweetness, and happiness. The atmosphere should be filled with laughter, praise, and song. The emotional climate of the room should be warm, with a feeling that no matter what might happen in the way of glitches in the pomp and circumstance, nothing truly matters except the love and happiness of the couple being united in marriage.

Go into your wedding with a glad heart. Celebrate the fact that God has brought you together, all the way through dating and courtship and engagement to the marriage altar.

A GREAT WEDDING SHOULD HAVE A
SUPPORTIVE ATMOSPHERE

Solomon did not go to his wedding alone—far from it:

Behold, it is Solomon’s couch,
With sixty valiant men around it,
Of the valiant of Israel.
They all hold swords,
Being expert in war.
Every man has his sword on his thigh
Because of fear in the night. (Song 3:7–8)

Can you imagine how a young woman would feel as she came up the aisle at a wedding ceremony to find that her husband-to-be had sixty groomsmen, all fully armed and ready to fend off anybody who tried to disturb the proceedings or harm the bride? She would no doubt feel very safe and secure. She might easily conclude, “Here’s a man who truly is going to protect me.”

I once performed a wedding in which a man said something that everybody assumes to be part of the wedding vows but that I had never heard said in just this way. He turned to his bride and said, “I will never divorce you. I will never leave you nor forsake you, and you will be safe in my arms.” What a tender and loving commitment to make!

Your wedding ceremony should bear a sense of security, safety, protection, and solidarity. It’s not a good sign at all if you suspect there are people sitting out in the pews thinking, This is a shaky deal, or She really doesn’t know what she’s in for; she’s marrying a real ogre who is going to abuse her in more ways than she can imagine. Nobody should be thinking, They’re going to need lots of help if they’re going to make it.

Part of the safety and security of the wedding ceremony will be evident in the people who serve as your best man, maid or matron of honor, groomsmen, and bridesmaids. Choose godly people who will support you fully in the vows you make. As a whole, those who witness your marriage should be like a holy hedge of protection around you, keeping you focused toward each other inside the circle of matrimony, and keeping out anybody who might try to destroy your marriage. Don’t ask someone to stand up for you who isn’t completely committed to you, to your marriage and, in general, to the sanctity and value of marriage. Such a person will not encourage you to work through problems in your marriage; such a person will not do the utmost to help you and your spouse when you need help. And they may embarrass you at rehearsal dinner!

A GREAT WEDDING IS MARKED
BY STRENGTH

A key ingredient of a great wedding is a strong groom. Solomon was a man of notable strength:

Of the wood of Lebanon
Solomon the King
Made himself a palanquin:
He made its pillars of silver,
Its support of gold,
Its seat of purple,
Its interior paved with love
By the daughters of Jerusalem. (Song 3:9–10)

Everything about these two verses speaks of strength and of being established. Solomon was “solid.” The cedars of Lebanon, the silver and gold, the royal purple, the extensive embroidery lovingly stitched by the women of Jerusalem. The man had built a “carriage” for himself and his bride that was fully finished and furnished.

Every woman I know wants to marry a man who is strong and who has not only character of substance but real material substance to offer her. Women are drawn to strength.

After thirty-eight years of counseling experience, a counselor made an observation about bad marriages in his book Passive Men, Wild Women. He wrote that when a woman realizes that the man she has married is not the same man at home as he is at work, she becomes angry and rightfully so. At work, the man may be creative, passionate, zealous, ambitious, and a leader. At home, the same man may become placid, opinionless, a bad listener, vacillating, uncreative, uncommunicative, and humorless. The fact is, if he behaved at work as he behaves at home, he would never be promoted or rewarded. To the contrary, he would probably be fired. And yet many men fit this dual-personality profile. The counselor concluded that the wives of such men do not rebel; they are merely mad.

A woman wants the creative, passionate, zealous, ambitious, and leader traits to be manifested at home to the same degree they are displayed at work. Certainly a man can be more relaxed and at ease in his home, but when it comes to his relationship with his wife, he should display the same sense of vision, enthusiasm, diligence, creativity, and general people skills that he displays at work. No woman wants leftovers. The feminist Gloria Steinem noted, “We women have finally become the men we always wanted to marry.” Sad, but true, in many cases. Women are looking for real strength in men—not abuse, not violent tempers, not overt warfare— but inner strength.

A woman is also looking for a man who will display to her that he loves her enough to provide a place for her, both materially and financially. We have an erroneous notion in our society that it’s very romantic for a young couple to get married, penniless but passionate, and then live on love a while. That state of being gets old very quickly. It takes money to have even a modest honeymoon, to set up a home, to provide for another person in your life and, eventually, to provide for children you may have. The income for a family is the husband’s responsibility. Many women work these days, but the primary responsibility for earning the money required by a family still rests with the man. And too few men are stepping up to the plate and accepting this primary responsibility.

I’ve met too many young men lately who expect their wives either to earn at least half of the family income or to support them fully after they are married. My advice to them is to wait. Most women feel a built-in resentment if they are called to support their husbands over a prolonged period of time.

Helping with financial support for a short period of time may be appropriate—for example, if a man works a semester to allow his wife to finish college and then she works full-time for a semester to enable him to finish college. At times, a woman may need to work because her husband becomes ill or injured. As a general rule, however, it is far better to wait to marry until the man can support his wife and family.

When should this decision be made? Not three months before the wedding! This decision should be made as a person starts to court. Then the man and woman can pace themselves through courtship and the engagement period so that they set and reach certain financial and material goals at the same time as they enter marriage.

I heard about a couple who have been happily married for nearly twenty years. They grew up next door to each other and were childhood sweethearts. They began to date as seniors in high school and on into the first year of college. They then had a three-year courtship in college, followed by a three-month engagement. Early in his life, this man made four promises to himself: he would marry when he had finished college, had a job, was able to give his future bride a diamond ring that he would be proud for her to wear, and had saved ten thousand dollars.

What did his girlfriend, later wife, think about this? She was thrilled! Each promise reflected to her that he had focus, determination, and a desire to give her his very best.

Young man, if you have been spending all of your earnings on yourself, without any regard to your girlfriend and your future together, you aren’t ready for marriage. What do you have to offer this woman that will give her comfort and a feeling of value and security?

“Well,” you may say, “I’m giving her myself!”

True enough, but what else? What outward and tangible signs can you offer that you will not draw her into a life of debt, waste, meagerness, stinginess, and constant worry about finances? What plans have you made to provide a home for her? To what degree have you gone out of your way to prepare to give your wife the things that will make her feel special and secure as your wife? Can two live as cheaply as one? Sure. If one doesn’t eat and the other goes naked!

I’m not advocating that you have to be rich before you marry. If that had been a prerequisite, I’m not sure I would have ever won the hand of Teresa. My wife grew up the daughter of a man who did quite well in an oil exploration company. I was making only a whopping four hundred dollars a month! To my credit, I had a steady job and was a good steward of my income. I was also smart enough to find a young woman who had the same values toward money that I had. Through the years, it hasn’t mattered how much or how little we have had—what has mattered to both of us is that we use our money wisely and for God’s purposes.

Teresa knew that I was called by God into full-time ministry and that pastors are not rich people. She knew that she would never have all of the material things that her father could have given to her. She willingly accepted that reality, and I gratefully accepted her willingness. I did my best to provide for her an environment in which she wouldn’t have to worry about where she would lay her head, whether she would have enough to eat, or whether the bills would be paid in full and on time. Even though we haven’t been what one would call wealthy, we both are secure in the fact that I will provide for her to the best of my ability and that my best, along with our faith in God, will result in our having enough.

A woman desires to feel secure. She wants a man who is strong. Solomon provided not only sufficiency, but beauty for his wife. He gave her a clear expression of his best—not only his best character, but his best provision.

A groom who knows that he is strong inside in faith and character stands tall and proud. He is ready to assume the full responsibilities of marriage with deep, inner assurance that he desires to and can provide for his wife.

A GREAT WEDDING HAS
PARENTAL APPROVAL

Great weddings are marked by approval of both sets of parents. In the Song of Solomon we read,

Go forth, O daughters of Zion,
And see King Solomon with the crown
With which his mother crowned him
On the day of his wedding,
The day of the gladness of his heart. (Song 3:11)

Solomon’s mother crowned him with the wedding crown that a groom wore in those days. It was a sign of her approval that he was marrying a woman she valued and would love as a daughter. It was also a sign to the general public that he would be leaving his parents’ home and making a home of his own.

In that, Solomon’s mother was glad, and Solomon was glad. There was a natural understanding of the truth first stated in Genesis 2:24: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

For centuries upon centuries, crowning was a part of marriage ceremonies. The bride was crowned with her veil, usually held in place by a heavily embroidered wedding cap or a crown of flowers. The wedding cap was perceived to be provided for her by her father—in essence, the father was crowning his daughter for marriage. The groom was crowned with a simple band of gold or with a garland of flowers, usually by his mother.

Today, the father continues to give the daughter’s hand in marriage. The mother of the groom continues to weep silently as she gives up her son to another woman. Emotional heartstrings are involved in the same way they have been for centuries upon centuries.

The only thing that makes it truly possible for parents to give up their children to marriage is the belief that the marriage is God’s plan. Their approval of a mate for their son or daughter is vital to overall family happiness, but also the happiness of the couple getting married.

While you are dating and courting, take time to get to know the family into which you will be marrying. You do not marry an isolated individual. You marry all of the people who are significant to that individual. You marry all of the childhood memories; you marry the values and beliefs instilled in the person by the family, including values about marriage and parenting.

If a husband or wife knows that family members are unsupportive and unappreciative, feelings of conflict, guilt, frustration, anger, bitterness, and resentment will likely arise. If you, in turn, are uncomfortable around the family members of your beloved, take this as a warning of troubled waters ahead. Discover the reasons for your lack of comfort. What unresolved issues are lurking just under the surface? In what ways are you going to have to deal with the dysfunction you perceive? Do long-standing problems exist that will continue to exist and affect your marriage relationship? Do you really want to deal with these problems?

The goal of every father and mother should be to raise their children not only to choose a godly spouse, but eventually to leave their care and make a home of their own. It is up to parents to be willing to let go. It is up to children to be willing to leave the nest. When parents are in approval of a marriage and are willing to let their children go emotionally and in areas of material and financial responsibility, and when children are willing to leave the security of their parents’ love and provision, there is indeed a gladness to a wedding. This gladness of heart does not exist when parents resent or reject a future daughter-in-law or son-in-law, or when children continue to look to Dad and Mom for opinions, provision, security, and love more than they look to a spouse.

In some cases, the couple are not mature enough to “leave and cleave.” At other times, the parents are not mature enough to let go. Both maturation processes need to be addressed in courtship so the wedding itself truly can become a day of release and a crowning.

For hundreds of years, those who married in traditional church ceremonies were crowned literally as part of the wedding ceremony, and then they walked around the canopy under which they recited their marriage vows as a regal walk—an open and full expression to all in attendance that they were the king and queen of their own home. This historical idea lingers in our culture today when we say that a man is “king of his castle” and a woman is “queen of her home.” We see this tradition at most weddings as couples walk back down the aisle of the church together to the applause and cheers of an audience after they have been pronounced husband and wife.

Solomon was not only king of an empire on the day he married his beloved; he was the king of his home. His bride was not only the queen of his home; she was the queen of his heart.

A GREAT WEDDING SHOULD BE
A DAY OF SPLENDOR

Solomon’s wedding day was a day of pure splendor. Ceremony, preparation, symbolism, and faith came together in a time of holiness before the Lord. Two lives were joined as one spiritually, emotionally, financially, socially. Things had been done in right order, and there was a prevailing sense of “all is well” with the couple. That should be the description of your wedding too. You can make it so by making the right preparations during dating and courtship periods.

Was Solomon’s wedding a romantic event? Was love in the air? You bet!

There is nothing more romantic than being able to look ahead or look back to your wedding day and say, “What a day of joy and blessing and goodness!” Your wedding day truly should be the highlight of your life—a day when all of God’s plans for you come into focus, and all that you have experienced previously becomes only the prelude to the symphony of your future. Your wedding should be a day of loving bliss, great romance, and intimacy in emotion that is deep beyond words. Ask God to prepare you for that kind of wedding.

Questions to Think About or Discuss

1. What spiritual symbols do you plan to have as part of your wedding ceremony? What do these symbols mean to you?

2. How do you feel about these statements: “God is a witness to your marriage vows” and “marriage is a sacred moment”?

3. Upon whom are you relying for emotional and spiritual support in your marriage?

4. What strengths are you bringing to your marriage?

5. What do you envision as the atmosphere or prevailing tone of your wedding?