Song of Solomon 5:2–6:3
Back in the early 1980s, my wife, Teresa, and I were in Oklahoma City where I had been invited to conduct a wedding ceremony. My wife stayed in our motel room the morning after the wedding while I went out for a jog. It was hot and humid, and by the time I finished my run, my T-shirt was soaked with sweat. I came back into our motel room, stripped off my T-shirt, and threw it in a nearby paper bag— which is obviously where I thought such a garment ought to go. My wife reacted instantly without thinking.
She whopped me with her right hand across the middle of my back and said, “Don’t do that!” Bam! I was stunned by her reaction and just as quickly turned and said sharply, “Cut that out!” My harsh words caused tears to well in her eyes immediately. I felt wronged, and she felt wronged by being yelled at. I didn’t know that she had put a new dress that she was sewing into that paper bag, and she didn’t know that I didn’t know.
And there we were, just hours after my performing a ceremony of holy matrimony, with a joyous reception afterward, getting into our car and driving toward Texarkana in angry silence, far from the ideal of the happily married couple that I had advocated publicly. We drove five hours without a word between us, and then neither of us could stand the silence any longer. We began to communicate about what had really happened and why each had felt wronged. By the time we finally arrived at our destination, we had forgiven each other and were ready to kiss and make up.
All couples fight. Good couples fight clean. Bad couples fight dirty.
Good conflict leads to a resolution in which both parties feel peace, and a new platform for communication and cooperation is established between them. Bad conflict leads to a victory for one and a loss for the other, which results in some degree of hidden resentment and bitterness that are stored away for a future fight.
Good marital conflict leads to resolution and greater closeness. Bad marital conflict presses for victory, which leads to alienation and the potential for revenge.
EVERY MARRIAGE HAS CONFLICT
No marriage is without conflict. Frankly, a marriage without any conflict would be very boring. There likely would be a lack of deep or meaningful communication. Such a marriage might as well be a butler married to a maid, each of whom is reluctant to express his or her personality, dreams, desires, goals, or spiritual giftedness. A truly vibrant marriage is going to be marked by discussion—at times lively. Healthy disagreements arise naturally because both individuals maintain their unique perspectives, ideas, and opinions. Debate is common about which course of action to take, since each person has individual preferences and reasons for holding them.
Discussion, disagreement, and debate, however, do not need to degenerate into a cold war or an ongoing atmosphere of dispute. Discussions should reach a conclusion, disagreements should resolve into agreement, and debates should come to a decisive course of action. Marriages without conflict aren’t healthy and growing. All married couples, therefore, face the challenge of learning to fight clean and fair, with a positive outcome that is genuinely harmonious, not merely strained and silent.
Newly married couples need to expect conflict, although I am not advocating that they should look for it. Picking a fight just for the sake of having a fight is not the goal. At the same time, a husband or wife should never shy away from conflict in a spirit of denial—either denying oneself full expression of opinions and ideas, or denying that certain situations within the marriage need resolution, repair, or readdressing. Those who live in denial live in false peace.
It is far better to get differences of opinion out in the open than to keep them stuffed inside for the sake of perceived peace. Such peace is going to be fragile. Feelings of anger and hurt are likely to go underground and build to an explosion point at a later time. Too much pent-up emotion related to any issue can cause a situation to be blown far beyond the proportions warranted by the initial behavior or circumstance.
One person I know said this about his marriage of twenty-five years to a wife he adores: “Neither of us is good at silence. We vent our feelings frequently. We are quick to state our opinions and quick to resolve our differences. We don’t let anything negative brew and build between us. If we ever let things build up in us over time, we’d likely blow ourselves up in the process of blowing off steam.”
In my opinion, this couple has a very healthy attitude toward conflict.
Marriage Is Worth Some Conflict
One of the strangest verses in the entire Bible must be Proverbs 14:4: “Where no oxen are, the trough is clean; but much increase comes by the strength of an ox.”
The verse means that if you don’t have any oxen, you will obviously have a clean manger or feeding trough. You may be happy to have a clean trough, which doesn’t require any work, but on the other hand, you are likely to be much happier if you have oxen in your stable. Strong oxen enable much work to get done—many acres plowed, cultivated, and harvested. Strong oxen lead to great increase in the field. You will probably desire to have a “dirty” trough and its related work because the presence of oxen means more prosperity down the line.
The same principle holds true for a marriage. If you aren’t married, you may very well have less conflict in your life. But if you want the deep joys of having a spouse and children, you will gladly endure conflict as part of the price for having a family.
THREE STAGES OF MARRIAGE
Conflict usually is minimal during the first stage of a marriage, which is the honeymoon period. Honeymoon literally refers to a “sweet month.” It marks the period from one stage of the moon to the next time that stage of the moon occurs (a full month) and also to a month in the spring of the year (usually May or June). During these spring months, flowers, shrubs, and trees bloom most profusely in most regions of the Northern Hemisphere, and the honeybees can be about their work with much productivity. In a marriage, the honeymoon period is the period of sweetness and kindness between two spouses, a time when all things seem new and fresh and exciting—about thirty days.
The next stage of a marriage, however, is often called the disillusionment period—when illusions about the person you have married disappear. A woman thinks she has married
Ozzie Nelson, and he turns out to be Homer Simpson. A man thinks he has married the girl of his dreams and awakens to hard, glaring reality.
After the disillusionment period comes the wonderful and long-enduring phase of commitment, when you discover your mate fully and, at the same time, commit to loving your mate in a biblical manner for the rest of your days.
Both the disillusionment and the commitment phases are going to be marked by conflict, and since they are by far the longer periods of time for a marriage, partners are wise to anticipate these periods prior to their wedding and set their minds and hearts to enduring the disillusionment period in anticipation of the commitment phase. Determine going into your honeymoon that you will survive the impending disillusionment phase. At the same time, refuse to shy away from conflict during your dating, courtship, and engagement periods. Keep your discussions and conversations lively. Don’t “stuff” your emotions in fear that you will damage your relationship. Learn to fight fair.
SIX STAGES OF CONFLICT
The inevitability of conflict is addressed in the Song of Solomon. Nearly two chapters are devoted to a “fight” between Solomon and his bride. The result of the conflict was a deeper and better marriage, and therefore, we are going to take a close look at the six stages of their conflict.
STAGE ONE: BOTH PARTIES FEEL HARMED
Conflict occurs when both parties feel in some way wronged, denied, misunderstood, or unappreciated. We find a perfect example in the conflict between Solomon and his bride:
I sleep, but my heart is awake;
It is the voice of my beloved!
He knocks, saying,
“Open for me, my sister, my love,
My dove, my perfect one;
For my head is covered with dew,
My locks with the drops of the night.” (Song 5:2)
Solomon had been working late. He came home, drenched with the dew of the early morning, and he was eager to get home to his wife. Like many men, he was struggling in the hard, cruel world, and he longed to come home to some tenderness and appreciation.
In those days, a man and a woman often had different bedchambers. Solomon was knocking at the door of his wife’s room so that he might come into her bedroom and be with her, lie under the sheets in her embrace, and talk over his day with her. He was seeking both emotional and physical intimacy with his wife. He needed her at the end of the day.
She, on the other hand, had pretty much given up on his coming home at a reasonable hour and had gone to bed. She said to him, “I was asleep, but my heart”—which referred to Solomon, the object of her love—“was awake.” His voice was intrusive into her peaceful dreams. Then she added,
I have taken off my robe;
How can I put it on again?
I have washed my feet;
How can I defile them? (Song 5:3)
Her response, in modern-day terms, might be, “I have a headache.” She said in poetic terms, “Not tonight. I’m already in bed, and now you want me to get up and get dressed and open the door to you? No way.” She said, “I’ve already taken a bath. Yet you want to have sex now?”
My wife has a little saying that she sometimes recites when someone in our family exhibits selfish behavior. It goes, “Me, me, me, I love myself. I have my picture on my shelf.” That was the way the woman responded to Solomon. She had little regard for his need or desire. She didn’t care how hard he worked or how much he needed her. She put her needs before his. She was feeling wronged by Solomon: “I waited up for you, but now it’s way past midnight. If you can’t get yourself home at a decent hour, don’t expect special attention from me.” It should be noted that it is possible to have a torrid honeymoon, and yet shortly thereafter, find that to the woman, sex has become a duty.
Solomon persisted in his expression of desire and longing for her:
My beloved put his hand
By the latch of the door,
And my heart yearned for him.
I arose to open for my beloved,
And my hands dripped with myrrh,
My fingers with liquid myrrh,
On the handles of the lock.
I opened for my beloved,
But my beloved had turned away and was gone. (Song 5:4–6)
At that point, Solomon was also feeling wronged. His wife rebuffed him.
Solomon didn’t break the door down or demand entrance. He didn’t press the point. He reached out to her in sincerity and tenderness. He spoke sweetly and lovingly to her. The myrrh that he left on the latch was a symbol of sweetness. His attitude toward her was tender.
When he got no response, Solomon walked away. He no doubt felt rejected. He might very well have said under his breath, “Hey, I’m the king. I married you. I’ve loved you. I’ve given you the family checkbook. I do my best to provide for all your needs. I was working late at my job tonight, I came to you in a loving manner, and look what I get. You have rejected me. I don’t deserve this response from you.”
Two persons feeling wronged—that’s the first part of any conflict. If only one person feels wronged and then thinks through the situation and concludes, “Actually I haven’t been all that wronged or hurt,” an argument or disagreement is not likely to occur. But when both spouses feel that a wrong has been done to them, conflict ensues.
At this stage of feeling wronged a conflict can be most easily resolved. How? You can determine that you do not need to react as your mate has reacted. If your mate has hurt you, you do not need to hurt your mate. Whatever your mate has done to you, you do not need to respond in kind. The apostle Paul stated it this way: “See that no one renders evil for evil to anyone, but always pursue what is good both for yourselves and for all” (1 Thess. 5:15).
You do not have to reciprocate or mirror what others do to you or say about you. Your mother probably taught this principle to you in the way my mother taught me: “Two wrongs do not make a right.”
Your response is subject to your will. You do not need to be hateful, angry, or cruel to a person who hurts you. You can respond with the love and patience of the Spirit of God rather than the revengeful and impatient spirit of man.
Strife begins at the point when you allow yourself to have hurt feelings and then you choose to nurse that hurt and wallow in it. Proverbs speaks often on this subject:
A wrathful man stirs up strife,
But he who is slow to anger allays contention. (Prov. 15:18)
He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty,
And he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.
(Prov. 16:32)
Better is a dry morsel with quietness,
Than a house full of feasting with strife. (Prov. 17:1)
The beginning of strife is like releasing water;
Therefore stop contention before a quarrel starts. (Prov. 17:14)
The north wind brings forth rain,
And a backbiting tongue an angry countenance.
It is better to dwell in a corner of a housetop,
Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
(Prov. 25:23–24)
Where there is no wood, the fire goes out;
And where there is no talebearer, strife ceases.
As charcoal is to burning coals, and wood to fire,
So is a contentious man to kindle strife. (Prov. 26:20–21)
An angry man stirs up strife,
And a furious man abounds in transgression. (Prov. 29:22)
You may be saying, “But you said, Tommy, that I should not stifle my feelings and that I should express them freely in my marriage.” That’s absolutely correct, but how and when you express your feelings, and with what underlying motive and attitude, are very important.
Express yourself, yes, but wait until your emotional temperature has cooled. Be proactive and intentional, not reactive and instinctual, in expressing your feelings. Wait until the one who has hurt you also has cooled off or is in a good frame of mind to hear what you have to say.
In the instance that I cited at the beginning of this chapter, Teresa later said to me that she realized she should have let me go on to the shower, removed my sweaty T-shirt from the bag, and about halfway to Texarkana brought up the incident and said, “You know, Tommy, I am sewing a new dress, and I had put it in that paper bag where you threw your sweaty T-shirt. I would appreciate it in the future if you would look before you blindly throw your sweaty garments into a bag. I know you would never want to damage my sewing. Please be a little more cautious, okay, Honey?”
I would have bent over backward to accommodate such a request. Of course, I didn’t want to damage her sewing.
There have been conflicts in which I should have bridled my tongue, too, or not taken steps that amounted to retaliation. Every person I know can do a better job of keeping a cool head and choosing at all times to respond as Christ would respond. It’s tough to do, but it’s what we as Christians are called and challenged by God to do.
I know people who have grown up in homes where passive-aggressive behavior was the norm. That’s behavior in which a person is warm and loving one minute, and the next minute, the person is ice cold or hateful. One day everything seems to be flowing smoothly, the following day an argument erupts, and for the next two weeks, everybody in the household walks about on eggshells because Mom and Dad are “at it” again.
Such behavior does not need to occur. Conflict can be resolved at this very first stage if one of the persons in the relationship will be mature enough to sit back, analyze and pray about the situation, and make a measured response that is loving, kind, and aimed at a greater positive in the future.
Be Sensitive to Arising Conflict
A number of people who have heard me teach on the Song of Solomon have asked me, “But how can I tell if my spouse is upset over something I’ve done? My spouse doesn’t seem to give me any clue that I’ve stepped on her toes or tripped her up.” Every person has different means of communicating and sending signals. It may take you a little time to determine when you have overstepped the boundaries of what your mate considers to be appropriate or good behavior. My wife’s foremost clue to me is a little look that she gives me, ever so fleetingly, in which she communicates volumes: “With behavior like that, you’re not worth being around.” I’m more verbal. I sigh very deeply and loudly enough for her to hear me. And then I tend to go immediately to a chair and pick up my Bible and begin reading it. If she asks me what I’m doing, I say, “I’m drawing strength from God to live in an alien and hostile world.” She gets the point. I do, too, every time she gives me that certain withering look.
They are the cues we give to each other to say, “Let’s each take stock of what has just happened here.” Ideally we’ll replay in our minds what has happened, draw some conclusions, and come together at a later time for a rational, unheated discussion.
What fuels a conflict rather than defuses it is the attitude, “I’m walking away from you until you get your act together and are repentant.” A cooling-off period is not the same as assuming a cold, unresponsive, punishing attitude. A cooling-off period does not need to be precipitated by a loud stomping off or the tossing of a final barb over one’s shoulder.
A Continued Pursuit in Love
Solomon did not at first respond to his wife’s rejection in an angry way. He persisted in expressing his desire. At first he only called to her. She heard his voice. Then even after she had rejected him verbally, he reached out for her. His behavior did not mirror hers. He continued to pursue her in love.
Refuse to overreact or to react too quickly to what another person does or says. One person said to me, “My mother had a phrase, ‘Let the river roll on for a while.’ We lived near a river, and I knew precisely what she meant. Some things are best left to float right on by because they are issues that are too little to warrant a fight.” You might have heard it said, “Don’t make mountains out of mole hills.” Same principle. Continue to pursue your relationship and your spouse with love. Don’t make big issues out of little ones. Proverbs 12:16 tells us, “A fool’s wrath is known at once, but a prudent man covers shame.”
How does this square with my earlier advice that you not let certain things build up inside you until you feel an explosion coming on? Very easily. It is up to you to give weight to a situation or circumstance that you perceive to be a conflict. Some things are not worthy of emotional battles or open conflict. Other things that should be addressed need to be addressed in the right time and place, with the right attitude and goal. It is up to you to decide what really matters. Choose your areas for discussion and conflict resolution wisely.
Maintain your poise and composure when you feel hurt, rejected, or maligned by someone. Choose to take control over your attitude and to control the subsequent discussion of the issue with a tone of quietness and positive communication. Peter taught,
Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands. . . . Do not let your adornment be merely outward . . . rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. . . . Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered. Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another. (1 Peter 3:1, 3–4, 7–8)
Peter encouraged wives and husbands to deal with each other graciously and tenderly. A wife is to bear a gentle and quiet spirit in her discussions with her husband. A husband is to approach his wife as if she is as delicate as a china cup— which is what it means to regard a wife as a “weaker” vessel— recognizing that his bombastic tone and mannerisms can cause his wife to shrivel inside and to feel demeaned.
Don’t hurt each other, Peter said. Have compassion for each other, and seek to have one mind—in other words, love each other until you reach a common point of agreement.
Such an attitude and means of resolving a conflict begin with how you individually choose to respond to a situation. Will you allow your hurt to linger, fester, and grow, or will you give it to the Lord, ask for His help in resolving the situation, and then speak to your spouse later in lovingkindness and with a sure and sincere approach that can bring you to positive resolution?
We come to know in our marriages when we have hurt a spouse. There is a look in the eyes, a slumping of the shoulders, a slow walk away, or a spirit of dejection. I know immediately when I have hurt Teresa. Her eyes fill with tears and I know that—regardless of what has been said or done, and regardless of how “right” I might have been in what I did—I must ask her forgiveness first for hurting her. She knows how to read me equally well. And she knows that before she can ever get across her point of view, she is wise to ask forgiveness for hurting me. It is in the spirit of mutual forgiveness and a desire for mutual continuation of our relationship in love that conflicts are genuinely resolved, a torn relationship is mended, and difficulties are turned into paving stones for a stronger foundation.
STAGE TWO: A CHANGE OF HEART
When conflict arises, and both parties recognize that something has gone awry in their relationship, someone must experience a change of heart if there is eventually to be a full reconciliation or resolution. That change of heart will then lead a person to “go after” the other mate to make amends and to resolve the conflict.
The bride of Solomon realized quickly that she and Solomon were in conflict and that she erred in her behavior:
My heart leaped up when he spoke.
I sought him, but I could not find him;
I called him, but he gave me no answer.
The watchmen who went about the city found me.
They struck me, they wounded me;
The keepers of the walls
Took my veil away from me.
I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem,
If you find my beloved,
That you tell him I am lovesick! (Song 5:6–8)
This passage is in sharp contrast to an earlier passage. Read what the same woman said just two chapters earlier:
“I will rise now,” I said,
“And go about the city;
In the streets and in the squares
I will seek the one I love.”
I sought him, but I did not find him.
The watchmen who go about the city found me;
I said,
“Have you seen the one I love?”
Scarcely had I passed by them,
When I found the one I love. (Song 3:2–4)
When the woman was in close fellowship with God and her fiancé, she looked for her beloved and found him quickly; the watchmen helped her. Now, in this conflict in their marriage, when she acted in selfishness—not God’s desirable response for her to have—and she barred her husband from her room, she went out looking for her husband but did not find him. The watchmen did not help her. Rather they struck and wounded her, and shamed her by taking away her veil.
Solomon’s wife was faced with a situation in which she knew that she erred, and she felt pain in the conviction of her error. God chastened her.
No matter how you feel the Lord prompting you to respond to a conflict, you should feel remorse that any type of conflict has occurred. You are to lament the fact that the marriage relationship has suffered an injury, regardless of what happened or who was responsible for initiating the conflict. The woman felt the full sting and pain of what she had done.
Solomon did not inflict the pain upon her; it was the “watchmen,” the faithful guardians of God’s people. If your spouse wrongs you, give God some time to work in your mate’s heart. Let God have an opportunity to deal with the conscience of your spouse. Your role is not to have that of the Holy Spirit in your spouse’s life. My role as a husband is to teach my wife what I know to be true, love her tenderly, care for her, and provide for her all that she needs, but I am not her Savior, her divine Spirit of truth, or her Comforter and Counselor. Only the Lord can fill those roles.
I have counseled many couples in which either the husband or the wife continually nags the other about what the other does wrong before the Lord. These beleaguered, nagged spouses can’t hear the voice of the Lord because the spouse is talking so loudly! They feel manipulated, put upon, and downtrodden. My advice to the nagging spouse is to keep quiet and let God work. It’s amazing how God moves into a person’s life. Truly His ways are higher than man’s ways, and His methods are not only very creative but extremely effective!
Early in our marriage, my wife was lying in bed one morning, and I said, “Teresa, get up and fix me some breakfast!” I was teasing her, but my words didn’t exactly come out in the teasing way that I meant for them to sound. At the same time I spoke those words, I picked up a metric stick that I owned—a four-sided stick with a steel border on one side—and I cracked that stick down on what I thought was a lump in the sheets. It was my wife’s leg! I had hit her hard. I saw her eyes puddle up with tears of pain, and I immediately fled to the kitchen in contrition, determined to serve my wife breakfast in bed!
I popped the top off the orange juice container, and in my hurry to make amends for my bad behavior, I poured orange juice down my front. At that point, Teresa walked into the kitchen, and I turned toward her, covered in orange juice, and said, “You prayed for that.” She sweetly said, “Come here, Sweetheart,” inviting me for a comforting hug, but as I turned toward her, I hit my head on the corner of the cabinet, and suddenly there was blood trickling down from my forehead and mingling with the spilled orange juice. I was a mess.
Did I ever again attempt to tease my wife about fixing my breakfast, using a metric stick to emphasize my point? No way. For her part, Teresa was kind enough never to bring up the matter again. She knew God had dealt with me in a better way than she ever could have.
There was no manipulation whatsoever in the scene in the Song of Solomon. There was no bargaining—“you do this for me and I’ll do that for you.” Bargaining results in manipulation, not ministry.
There were no threats, veiled or unveiled. So often I hear of wives who say to their husbands, “If you don’t change this . . .” or “If you don’t do such and so for me, I’m going to leave you.” In their heart of hearts they have no intent of leaving their husbands. They are threatening something they never intend to do. It’s wrong to threaten abandonment, separation, or divorce in order to get your way in a marriage. That’s manipulation, not ministry.
A woman asked me after I had presented the information in this chapter, “If I can’t leave him, can I kill him?” No, you can’t do that either!
But you can continue to love your spouse and to pray for your spouse. Ask God to do what you cannot do, and that is to change the human heart and transform the human mind.
State what you feel you must state, make whatever requests you believe are right to make, put forth your case as best you can make it, but don’t attempt to force a change in your mate. Leave that up to God.
I heard a priceless story about this subject. A woman asked her husband one morning to zip up the back of her dress. He began to play around with the zipper in a flirtatious way—zipping it up and down, up and down—and in the process, the zipper broke. She had just had the dress dry-cleaned and was late for a meeting, and there she stood with a “broken” dress. She was furious.
About 5:30 that evening, she returned home, still angry over her husband’s behavior that morning. She found her husband working on his car, lying underneath the car from his waist up, the lower part of his body sticking out and temptingly accessible. He didn’t seem to hear her as she approached, so she reached down and grabbed the zipper on the front of his jeans and began to zip it up and down just as he had done with her dress that morning. Then she walked into the house.
To her astonishment, her husband was standing in the kitchen. She said, “What are you doing in here?” He said, “What do you mean? It’s our kitchen.”
She said, “You were under the car just two seconds ago.”
“No,” he said, “I haven’t been under the car at all.”
“Well, who is out there in our garage working under your car?”
“It’s the next-door neighbor,” he said. “The muffler was coming off and he volunteered to fix it, so I told him I’d really appreciate his help and I came in here to fix a glass of tea for him when he’s finished.”
His wife went pale as a white sheet. She admitted to her husband what she had done, and they both hurried out to apologize to the man. They found the guy lying totally still. He didn’t respond to their calls, so they pulled him out from under the car by his legs. When he came to, they discovered that he had done what any man would have done if someone suddenly grabbed the zipper to his pants. He sat straight up, and bam, he hit his head on the underside of the car with such force that he knocked himself out!
All acts of revenge need to be left to God. Strange and terrible things can happen when you take retaliation and vengeance into your hands, and none of them are good.
One of the most effective responses I’ve ever heard given to a husband who erred in his behavior was one that a wife gave after hearing a sermon about Jesus and Pilate. Pilate said to Jesus, “Do You not know that I have power to crucify You, and power to release You?” Jesus replied, “You could have no power at all against Me unless it had been given you from above” (John 19:10–11). From that moment on, Pilate sought to find a way to release Jesus because he recognized that he, indeed, was under God’s authority.
This young woman said to me, “When my husband makes a decision or embarks on an activity that I know is wrong, I just say to him, ‘Do what you want. You are under God’s authority, and I trust God to deal with you.’” That’s called submission with a wallop to it! The truth remains, however. All of us are under the authority of someone, and in the marriage chain of command, a husband is under the authority of God. A wife is wise to trust God to manifest His authority in her husband’s life rather than to attempt to take on that role for herself.
How did the bride’s heart change once she realized her error? Surely God was at work in her, for no act of man could bring about such a complete and quick change of heart. At one moment she was angry with Solomon for awakening her and she selfishly rejected him. Just a short time later, she was fearful that she might lose her husband and was ardent in her desire for him:
What is your beloved
More than another beloved,
O fairest among women?
What is your beloved
More than another beloved,
That you so charge us? (Song 5:9)
The woman began to dwell on all of the wonderful aspects of her husband, those things that set him apart from other men and made him so special to her. She thought about all her reasons for loving him and for giving to him generously rather than withholding from him in selfishness. She now saw her sin in the light of his goodness:
My beloved is white and ruddy,
Chief among ten thousand.
His head is like the finest gold;
His locks are wavy,
And black as a raven.
His eyes are like doves
By the rivers of waters,
Washed with milk,
And fitly set.
His cheeks are like a bed of spices,
Banks of scented herbs.
His lips are lilies,
Dripping liquid myrrh.
His hands are rods of gold
Set with beryl.
His body is carved ivory
Inlaid with sapphires.
His legs are pillars of marble
Set on bases of fine gold.
His countenance is like Lebanon,
Excellent as the cedars.
His mouth is most sweet,
Yes, he is altogether lovely.
This is my beloved,
And this is my friend,
O daughters of Jerusalem! (Song 5:10–16)
These are some of Solomon’s features that his wife called to her mind and praised:
• He was pure in his motives and behaviors toward her. Repeatedly she referred to him as white, including white as ivory and white as marble.
• He was extremely handsome—more handsome even than ten thousand other men combined.
• His head (in this case his mind) was filled with wisdom more valuable than gold.
• He was respected even though he was youthful. His hair was black, with no evidence of the weakness of age. Sin is often pictured in the Bible as the weakness of aging. (See Hos. 7:9.)
• He was gentle; his eyes were soft and tender toward her.
• He was sober. The whites of his eyes were white, not reddened by alcohol or debauched living.
• He had a steadfast gaze and clear outlook toward her. His eyes were “fitly set,” which means they were wide open and focused on her. He saw her, and her alone, among all other women. It is also a reference to the fact that Solomon did not have a shifty look to his eyes; his eyes did not narrow in anger or mistrust, they never openly flared in anger, and they were never bored into dullness. They were eyes of immutable kindness and unchanging blessing toward her.
• He was compassionate toward her. When he held her in his arms, cheek to cheek, there was a sweetness in his expression of love. When he kissed her, he did so tenderly and sweetly. He dealt with her in a forgiving, tender, romantic, and loving way at all times.
• He was strong in authority. A king’s position was often revealed by the wide jeweled bands of gold that he wore on each arm, a sign of his strength in leadership over a nation, people, or empire. Solomon had great bearing in his role as king. He was a “manly man” to his wife, strong in leadership and authority in their relationship. That in no way left room for abuse. I have counseled women who have come to me with bruises on their arms and faces. I want to amputate the arms of the men who have hurt them! Solomon was strong in authority, but he was never a bully. He led by example, not by demand.
• He was spiritually strong. Strength of spirit was—and continues to be—associated with strength in the abdominal area. The “belly” area has long been considered by the Jewish people to be the locus of one’s eternal spirit. Solomon exerted spiritual leadership in their home. He was like a strong rock, a marble statue that could not be moved readily. Furthermore, the statue was set on a base of gold. Solomon’s character was established on eternal things of utmost value. In the eyes of his wife, Solomon was grounded on the Word of God, and he could not be moved from his position before the Lord.
• He was physically strong. Physical strength is repeatedly associated with a person’s legs and the ability to stand strong in the face of assault, battle, or calamity.
• He stood tall on the inside as well as the outside, just as the cedars of Lebanon grew to great heights and were among the noblest of trees. Solomon had a bearing about him of self-confidence and self-esteem because he knew who he was in God’s eyes.
• His words were spoken with kindness—his mouth was a source of sweetness toward her.
She concluded, “He is altogether lovely. He is everything I want in a husband.” God truly changed her heart, as her husband was kind in the face of wrong. In the light of her newly awakened awareness of all the good qualities in her husband, she had a strong desire to be the wife he longed to have.
The woman is a fine example of what God does in transforming a person’s attitude. First, she begins to see things in a new light. She begins to see the good that has escaped her before. She sees her mate as God sees her mate! When that happens, compassion rises in her heart. And in the wake of compassion, she feels a desire for renewed intimacy and closeness of communication.
STAGE THREE:
REACHING OUT TO MAKE AMENDS
Once Solomon’s wife renewed within her mind a right attitude and a loving perspective toward her husband, she went in search of Solomon. That’s why the daughters of Jerusalem asked,
Where has your beloved gone,
O fairest among women?
Where has your beloved turned aside,
That we may seek him with you? (Song 6:1)
She had a desire to find Solomon and to make things right. At that point, others were not perceived as hindering her, shaming her, or hurting her; rather, they were volunteering to help her. Her conscience was clear. Her instincts were alive and functioning toward reconciliation. God was again working with her to find and recover what she had rejected.
The good news for the wife was that she knew exactly where her husband was to be found. Why? Because he had an unchanging character. He was not one person on one day, and another person in temperament, personality, and conviction on the next day. He was consistent in his beliefs, his ethics, his morality, his attitudes, his opinions, his behavior. He could be counted on to be who he was and to stand for all the things he considered to be important. She said,
My beloved has gone to his garden,
To the beds of spices,
To feed his flock in the gardens,
And to gather lilies. (Song 6:2)
Solomon was going about the work and routine of his life. He was doing important work—cultivating the beds of spices that were vital both to the preservation and to the appeal of food. This could mean that Solomon, as king, was doing what was important to maintain his empire and to make it appealing to its citizens and to those who might seek refuge in it. He exhibited the same qualities to his wife, cultivating what was good for the preservation of their home, doing what it took to keep himself appealing to his wife.
Solomon was also continuing to take the role of a good shepherd—one who would defend his flock just as he defended her and their home, one who would lead his flock into pastures and to pure sources of water—providing for his flock just as he provided for her. Solomon was about the work of defending his kingdom and home. He continued to do all he could to provide for his family.
Solomon was also gathering the fair lilies. In other words, he was a blessing to others in his endeavors, and he was causing others who were weaker and more fragile to delight in his strength and tender care of them.
The point of greatest assurance for Solomon’s wife was this: “I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine. He feeds his flock among the lilies” (Song 6:3). She had absolutely no doubts about his commitment to her or her commitment to him. Regardless of the conflict they had—their spat, their argument, their difference of opinion, their momentary display of bad behavior—they were committed to having an “us” relationship. They were one.
What a wonderful thing for a wife to know that her husband bears these qualities that Solomon’s wife attributes to Solomon! Show me a wife who knows that her husband is doing all that he can do, with an unfailing commitment to their marriage, and I will show you a happily married woman.
In like manner, it is a great joy to a man to know that while he is at work each day, his wife is doing all that she can to preserve and enrich their marriage, to protect and provide for their children and home, and to do so with a gentle and quiet spirit, and all with an unfailing commitment to be faithful to him. Such a man has absolute trust in his wife and takes refuge in her company.
Solomon’s bride was reaching out to him with love and appreciation. She was prepared to make whatever amends were necessary to maintain their relationship: “I am his and he is mine.”
Many things can be done in virtually every marriage to bring about reconciliation, but the bottom line of all of them is this: a desire to see the relationship reconciled and restored to a deep level of love. Unless there is a desire to reconcile, no reconciliation can occur. If both parties have a deep desire to reconcile, reconciliation is nearly always possible.
Sometimes one spouse will need to abandon “rights” in order to renew or restore the relationship. Each spouse must recognize that individual rights within a marriage are never more important than the unity and love of the relationship as a whole. If in demanding your rights or insisting that you have the right idea or opinion, you are threatening to destroy the harmony and loving foundation of your home, you are wrong, no matter how right you think you are. A greater harm is in danger of being done to your marriage and your family by your stubborn resistance than ever could have been done to you personally in the first place.
There may be cases in which one person needs to separate momentarily from a spouse who is abusive, out of control, suffering from an addiction, or in need of physical or emotional treatment. But in such cases where separation may be necessary, the spouse who leaves can leave the marriage physically and still not leave it emotionally or spiritually. The spouse can continue to trust God, believe for God’s best, and hold out hope for healing and reconciliation.
If one spouse insists upon personal rights and a total abdication of all rights by the other person—in other words, if one person continues to insist that he is 100 percent right, the other person is 100 percent wrong, and one spouse needs to be in total subjection to the other—a marriage is inevitably in serious trouble. The boat has been rocked so severely to one side that it will fill with water and capsize.
The bride went after Solomon, seeking to make amends. She went in a spirit of appreciation for him, contrition in her heart, and a desire for reconciliation. That’s the attitude one must have if conflict is to be resolved.
Had she stayed at home, waiting for Solomon to come to his senses and make another attempt at being with her, her story might have had a very different ending.
Once she was in his presence, what did she do? How was the conflict resolved? We’ll deal with conflict resolution in the next chapter.
Questions to Think About or Discuss
1. Can you and your beloved fight “clean and fair”?
2. How difficult is it for you to respond with love after you have been hurt? From where do you draw your strength and courage not to retaliate or seek revenge?
3. What are the traits in your beloved that you have come to appreciate even more as the result of experiencing conflicts in your relationship?