The Book of Romance

Song of Solomon 7:1–8:4

My wife, Teresa, and I enjoy watching other couples when we go out to eat at restaurants. We can nearly always pick out those who are newlyweds or who are in the stages of dating or courtship. The couples treat each other with tenderness and affection. The man pulls out the chair for the woman; the two of them hold hands across the dinner table; they seem almost oblivious to their food and, at times, to their waiter. The “old marrieds,” in comparison, often sit in silence, staring off in space, chewing as quickly as they can to get the meal over with. So often marriage partners start out sizzling with passion and then dissipate into mere roommates.

A loss of romance does not need to occur, yet in so many marriages, it does. The heat of passion and all displays of tender giving seem to vanish, and we accept it as normal, saying, “That’s just the way it is.”

You perhaps have heard the old story that in the first year of marriage, if the wife gets a cold, the husband nearly smothers her with attention, cold medications, blankets, and concern. By the third year, if the wife gets a cold, the husband goes to the local pharmacy on her behalf, tosses her a bottle of pills as she lies on her sickbed, and leaves her to heal on her own. By the fifth year, if the wife is ill, the husband complains that she isn’t covering her mouth when she coughs.

In too many marriages, time seems to erode away, slowly but surely, communication, caring, affection, sensitivity, intimacy, and spontaneity. The marriage begins to revolve more around the children than around the two spouses. When the children leave home, the two then look at each other across the kitchen table and ask, “Who are you?” They’ve lost the core of what made them a couple in the first place. The two may look back and question what happened. After all, nothing of a serious or prolonged conflict seemed to have occurred. There were no times when divorce or separation seemed imminent. Rather, the two stopped turning toward each other and began turning away from each other to individual pursuits and interests, family matters at large, or needs that seemed to beckon their attention and care. They neglected the burning coals between them until their passion died out completely.

Josh McDowell once reported the results of a survey of high school students in which 90 percent of the students said they could not imagine their parents having sex.

Does marriage have to degenerate into such a sad state of affairs? No! God has a much different desire for marriage. In His plan, the romance continues throughout the marriage. In fact, it builds and grows into a loving and passionate marriage that is even more wonderful in its latter stages than in its beginning. A marriage that cools and grows stale is not biblical! It is worldly wisdom that makes it acceptable. Rebel against such error!

THE FACTORS THAT KILL ROMANCE

In the book of Revelation, we read about the four horsemen of the apocalypse. I believe there are four horsemen of the apocalypse that relate to marriage:

1. Sin

Romance dies when one or both persons become so wounded and disillusioned with a spouse that they become calloused. Sin and harsh actions are unrepented of until the wounds of sin have removed all feeling. “A brother offended is harder to win than a strong city, and contentions are like the bars of a castle” (Prov. 18:19).

2. Age

Romance dies when a person focuses on the outer beauty rather than on the inner beauty of his or her spouse. Outer beauty degenerates over time; age takes its toll on every person. I don’t care how many face or body lifts a person has, or how much a person attempts to keep in shape through proper nutrition and exercise, age causes a fading of physical beauty. Unless you continue to see beyond the wrinkles around your beloved’s eyes and gaze into the full depths of your mate’s soul, you will feel less attracted to your spouse, and with a lessening of attraction, you are likely to express less romance.

I heard this story of a man who married a beautiful woman. Several years after their wedding, she was in a terrible automobile accident. Her injuries caused a nerve in her face to be damaged so that when she smiled, she appeared disfigured—her mouth drooped significantly to one side. When she realized the permanent nature of her injury, she feared her husband’s reaction. She had been raised to place a high value on physical beauty and to work at being beautiful. She couldn’t imagine that her husband could continue to love her if she was ugly, which is how she perceived herself in the wake of the accident.

When her husband came into her hospital room after the doctors had removed the bandages from her face, he looked at her and smiled. She smiled back and watched closely for his reaction. He studied her for a moment and then said sweetly and sincerely, “Looks kinda cute.” Then he reached down toward her, pursed his lips in a way that nearly mirrored the new shape of her mouth when she smiled, and kissed her gently.

What a loving act on the man’s part! What a healing, restorative act for his wife! From that moment, the woman knew with a certainty in her heart that the love of her husband did not depend upon her physical beauty. Any woman who comes to know that truth in her marriage experiences great inner freedom and feelings of value.

3. Forgetfulness

Romance dies when couples forget the preciousness of their mates. Spouses too often come to take each other for granted, and they lose sight of just how special they are to each other. Romance requires intention, care, and focus. It requires that each person keep in active memory what gave birth to the marriage. It requires that each person continue to remember the special traits in the spouse that fueled attraction at the initial stages of their relationship. God calls a man’s bride “the wife of your youth” (Mal. 2:14).

4. Laziness

Many people recite vows to “love, honor, and cherish” a spouse, and then they proceed with their marriage without a good knowledge of how to keep them. Love must be shown. Honor must be expressed. Cherish is an attitude that must be displayed. Passionate marriages are so by design and intent. Romance is a discipline.

Couples too often get caught up in routine matters related to family and general living, and they fail to carve out the time and space necessary to do the loving, honoring, and cherishing necessary to keep romance alive. A sexual relationship tends to take care of itself by instinct and intuition. But what happens in all those many hours and minutes that are not associated with sexual intimacy requires effort. The daily chores of life as well as the little expressions of love— such as writing love notes to each other, bringing home flowers, fixing a favorite meal—take thought, time, and effort.

Don’t let the four horsemen of the apocalypse descend on your marriage. Choose to remain absolutely faithful to your spouse. Choose to focus on the inner qualities of your spouse and to nurture, edify, and praise them. Choose to recall frequently the things that you admire in your spouse and to recall special moments that have enriched your relationship through the years. Choose to make the effort to show your spouse frequently how much you love, honor, and cherish him or her. “Discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness” (1 Tim. 4:7 NASB).

KEEPING ROMANCE ALIVE IN
YOUR MARRIAGE

Solomon and his wife seem to have discovered the secret of a lifelong romance:

Come, my beloved,
Let us go forth to the field;
Let us lodge in the villages.
Let us get up early to the vineyards;
Let us see if the vine has budded,
Whether the grape blossoms are open,
And the pomegranates are in bloom.
There I will give you my love. (Song 7:11–12)

What season were they in? Springtime! They courted and got married in springtime. They were still in springtime years later. They were out on a date!

As we take a closer look at chapter 7 in this amazing book, I want to call your attention to three truths related to romance:

First, men are expected to be romantic. A husband is to lead in this area.

A number of men, old and young, have said to me down through the years, “I’m just not Romeo.” Let me assure you of this: whether you consider yourself to be Romeo or not, you have married Juliet. She believes you are capable of being Romeo, or she wouldn’t have married you. And furthermore, she continues to expect you to display Romeo qualities. I believe every woman on earth wants to be treated with tenderness, romance, consideration, courtesy, etiquette, and delicate care. I don’t care if she wrestles at the sports arena on weekends. Once she is at home and with her man, she wants tenderness and romance. She is Juliet in her heart. Do your utmost to be her Romeo.

Second, men are capable of romance. Men tend at times to deny their romantic ability. Let me remind you that the greatest artists, sculptors, chefs, architects, designers, poets, and romantic leads of all time have been men. Most men have at least some ability to express charm, romance, and affection. Go with what you have, and over time, you likely will find more and more ways of expressing romance. An ability to be romantic is like many other abilities— you can learn and grow in your capacity for romance over time.

Third, God desires for men to be romantic. At its core, what is romance? It is expressing tender desire to be with another person and making that person feel special and valuable. Who is our example in expressing romance? God, our loving heavenly Father! He gently woos each of us to receive His love and forgiveness. God infuses within us a sure sense of our identity and value. He is the One who is ever reaching out to us in specific ways to show us how much He loves us, cares for us, and desires to be with us in intimacy of spirit.

Romance ultimately comes down to resolve. I’ve seen men send flowers to their dates and those they were courting until I thought they would buy out all of Holland, and then once those men were married, their wives never saw another bloom apart from holiday times.

Men tend to throw all of their romantic energy into a few occasions—Christmas, Valentine’s Day, the wedding anniversary, the wife’s birthday, and sometimes Mother’s Day. On these occasions, they back the truck to the door of their marriage and dump a load of chocolates, flowers, or jewelry. All other days of the year, it’s business as usual. They are efficient, not creative.

The Spontaneous and Unexpected

Romance is rooted to a marked degree in the spontaneous and unexpected. I frequently advise men to spread out their display of affection over the entire year rather than concentrate so much energy and money on a few events. A marriage relationship needs nourishing, and “frequent feedings” is a good principle to follow. A single flower brought home on a day when you know your wife has struggled, an encouraging and uplifting love note tucked into your husband’s briefcase so that he’ll find it right before an important meeting, a quick call to say “I love you” on a day when you both have too many things to do— these things seep into the soul of a relationship and create romance.

In a counseling session, a man sincerely asked his wife what she would like for him to do as an indicator that he still loved her. In other words, he was asking, “What would be romantic to you?” She replied, “I’d like for you to pick me up.”

He immediately grabbed her to “heft” her up.

“No,” she said with a sigh, “pick me up, just like you did that day when we met at the country dance hall.”

She wanted her husband to flirt with her.

The next Saturday night, he took his wife out dancing to a new country dance place in their town, and he told me later, “We just sat there and made eyes at each other. That tickled her.”

Now that was a smart guy. He was a welder by trade, a real man’s man, not at all the type of person you would think could be so romantic. Yet deep down inside, he admitted that he enjoyed what happened on Saturday night as much as his wife enjoyed it. Something youthful and passionate had been rekindled in each of them. Their marriage had been fed a healthy dose of romance.

Continue to Date

I encourage all married couples to continue to date throughout their marriage. Set aside specific time to spend together, and then don’t let other things become a higher priority. Teresa and I go out on Wednesday nights. I shut down everything else, and unless an emergency arises and I have Teresa’s consent to deal with it in place of our date, I spend Wednesday evening exclusively with my wife. We usually go out to the restaurant of her choice, and over dinner together, I make every attempt I can to be a good listener and to devote my full attention to her. In other words, I make sure the TV set is behind me, not behind her.

This is not a casual thing with us, in which we say to each other, “Well, let’s take a break and go out.” It’s a planned event.

Men, going on a date means that you shower, dress up a little, brush your teeth, and truly get ready for a special evening. In doing so, you are sending a message to your wife that you consider this to be valuable and special time together.

When you are out with your wife at a restaurant, don’t stare out the window while she eats her salad. Gaze into her eyes. Close out all others unless you mutually agree to “people watch” together. Listen to what your wife wants to say to you. Display your very best manners. Be courteous, respectful, and tender with your wife. Few things are as arousing as manners. Make her feel like the most important person in the world to you—and do it with a genuine heart. Set aside the time from 7:30 to midnight for the two of you alone. You’ll be glad you did.

“But what about the children?” you may ask. Certainly I believe that you and your spouse should do things as a family. Set aside another night each week that you consider to be an inviolable family night. These evenings and weekend events with your family, however, should be in addition to your date night with your wife.

Some have asked me, “But won’t the children feel resentful and left out?” Your children will understand the idea of Mom and Dad being on a date, and in later years, they will highly value the fact that you spent that time alone together and they will want to model such behavior in their lives. I have met countless young people who resent the fact that their parents were away from home on business trips or stayed late at work too often, or that one parent went out by himself to drink, party, or play cards, leaving the other spouse and children at home. I have never met a young person who was resentful that his or her parents went out on a date once a week. Rather, they seem always to recall that as evidence that the foundation of their home life was loving and strong. Later in life, these children brag about their parents’ romance.

Setting aside a night a week to be with your spouse sends a strong message to your spouse, to your children, and to anyone else who may be observing your marriage that you value your spouse as a person and you value your relationship. It is a strong sign of “love, honor, and cherish.”

A fellow pastor told me a story from the days in which he was involved in the Fellowship of Christian Athletes (FCA). One of the basic elements of an FCA meeting is to have a “huddle group” in which a small group gathers for Bible study and prayer. This man became so involved in FCA that he was going out nearly every night to an FCA meeting. One night as he left the house, his wife looked at him with tears in her eyes and asked, “What about our huddle group?”

He said to me, “That froze me in my boots. I got in my car and drove through tears all the way to that high school. The next day I called my supervisor and said, ‘I’m giving up some of my commitments.’ I started giving my time to ministry at home, and over the years, I’ve realized that ministry at home is not only as valid, but perhaps even more valid than any form of ministry done outside the home. Having a huddle group with my wife, and later my children, is a key part of our family life.”

Husband, you can be romantic. God desires for you to be romantic, and it’s up to you to take the lead in romance in your marriage. Early on, it was your instinct to be romantic. Later, it must become a discipline.

GREATER APPRECIATION
THAN EVER BEFORE

Let’s take a close look at what happens in chapter 7 of the Song of Solomon. They were back in the bedroom again! Solomon said, “How beautiful are your feet in sandals, O prince’s daughter!” (Song 7:1).

On their wedding night, Solomon began his exclamation of love by starting at the top of his bride’s head. His first comments to her were about her eyes, her hair, her smile, her blushing cheeks. (See Song 4:1–3.) Now, at a more mature stage in their marriage, Solomon began at her feet. To make such a statement to his wife, Solomon very likely was on his knees before her, holding her feet in his hands as he unwrapped the thongs of her sandals. In essence, he was bowing before his wife. We’ve all heard the statement, “He worships the ground she walks on.” Well, this is not a far cry from what Solomon was doing. He was showing a tremendous sign of respect to his wife. He was not demanding that she bow before him; rather, he was on his knees before her.

In Bible times, it was customary for a servant to take off the shoes of the master or mistress of a home and then to bathe the person’s feet in a basin of water. Wealthy homes and palaces, such as Solomon’s, were carpeted with beautiful handmade carpets, large and small, often layered for added softness. One generally went barefoot in such a home. Solomon was serving his wife just as a servant might have.

Let me point out one other thing related to sandals. Sandals were worn by those who were trusted to leave the confines of a home or palace. Slaves were kept barefoot, and so were the women in the harems of wealthy or powerful men. Solomon trusted his wife explicitly to come and go from his presence. He neither controlled nor confined her. He had total faith that she would behave in an honorable manner when she was away from their home, and that she would return to him. He trusted her to appear publicly without him, knowing he could rely on her to be loyal to him and to bring honor to his name. As Proverbs 31:11 tells us, “The heart of her husband safely trusts her.” An overly controlling man is a man who does not trust his wife. Such a lack of trust is demeaning and dishonoring to her.

What tremendous insight we have about this woman! She was utterly trustworthy and honorable. How beautiful were her feet in sandals! She carried a dignity, grace, and elegance wherever she went, and she reflected well her devotion to Solomon.

There was nobility in what Solomon said by calling his wife a “prince’s daughter.” In the Proverbs of Solomon we find this statement:

Her children rise up and call her blessed;
Her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many daughters have done well,
But you excel them all.” (Prov. 31:28–29)

That was how Solomon felt about his wife. He was proud of her. She was his crown, the display of his worth.

One night not long ago, I was sitting in my recliner, and I called to my wife, Teresa, “Come here, Sweetie.” I sat her on my lap and put my arms around her and looked deeply into the eyes of this woman to whom I have been married more than twenty years. I said, “I want you to know, Honey, that you have never embarrassed me. You are a pride to me, a pride to our sons. You are a precious daughter of God.” I only got about that far before I started to cry. I’ve never been embarrassed to cry in front of my wife. My tears are a sign not of weakness to her, but of sincerity and strength of conviction. As far as I am concerned, my wife “excels them all.” She is my one and only. And I’m not at all ashamed to let her know that I appreciate her.

Wife, be to your husband the kind of woman that Solomon’s wife was to him. Make your husband proud of you in all that you do. Husband, be the kind of man to your wife that Solomon was to his wife—be willing to serve her and to praise her. Do what Proverbs 31:31 teaches: “Give her of the fruit of her hands.” Praise is payday.

ACKNOWLEDGE THE BEST IN YOUR SPOUSE

Solomon did not end his expression of appreciation for his wife at her feet. That was only the beginning. He moved up her body and observed,

The curves of your thighs are like jewels,
The work of the hands of a skillful workman.
Your navel is a rounded goblet;
It lacks no blended beverage.
Your waist is a heap of wheat
Set about with lilies. (Song 7:1–2)

I want to point out two key things about these compliments that Solomon gave to his wife:

First, Solomon complimented what he alone knew to be true about his wife. Wives in Solomon’s time didn’t wear bikinis to the beach. A woman’s body belonged exclusively to her husband and was for his pleasure alone. No man other than her husband saw her upper legs and abdomen.

In a good marriage, there are going to be some things that only a wife should know about a husband, and a husband about a wife—some of those things are going to be flaws, some are going to be the hidden strengths and talents that the world has failed to appreciate. Solomon focused totally on the positive. He never mentioned a single flaw in his bride. He praised her good qualities and brought them to her attention. It was as if he were saying to her, “Honey, I know how wonderful you are. It doesn’t matter if nobody else in the world understands all of the goodness that is present in you. I know. And I’m here to tell you that you are perfection in my eyes.”

Second, Solomon complimented more than just his wife’s physical attributes. What did Solomon praise about his wife? Not only did he admire her body and its sensual curves. He also admired her strength. In the Bible, the upper legs are used as a symbol for steadfast loyalty and strength. The woman was strong in character, and she carried her strength in a beautiful way. In other words, she had inner strength clothed in graciousness. She didn’t buckle under pressure or fall apart in a crisis. She didn’t burst into anger or rage, or go into hysterics, when things didn’t go her way. Her bearing communicated, “I know who I am in the Lord, and I am going to endure to the end in my faith and in my loyalty to my husband. I will not be moved from righteousness. I will stand for what is good and noble, and I will speak and act in a way that others appreciate and admire.”

Solomon admired her fruitfulness. Both wheat and wine are signs of harvest—wheat is harvested in the spring and wine is the result of a fall harvest of grapes. Solomon was conveying, “From beginning to end, you have been fruitful and diligent in your giving to me and to others.” She was indeed the crown of a proud husband.

A PERCEPTION OF CONTINUED YOUTH

In continuing to move up the body of his wife, Solomon said this about her breasts: “Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle” (Song 7:3). That was exactly what he said to her about her breasts on their wedding night. In saying that at that point in their marriage, Solomon conveyed two messages:

First, Solomon admired his wife’s ongoing youthfulness. In reality, her breasts might not have been sleek and taut as a gazelle in flight, but Solomon saw in his wife a youthfulness of spirit that continued to fill her being. She was forever young in his eyes.

Second, Solomon admired his wife’s responsiveness to him. She was still bashful in his sight, and yet quick to respond to his touch. He delighted in the fact that he could still sexually excite her.

No matter how old a woman may get, she can still have a youthful spirit about her, and she can still be responsive to her husband—traits that delight a man and give him a renewed sense of his youth and ability to perform sexually. The fire definitely had not gone out between those two. In the way they loved each other, they might as well have been newlyweds. They desired each other, and each had a keen awareness of what would delight the other.

Certain things about sexual intimacy may change over time. Some aspects of lovemaking may take a little longer, for example, but every couple can maintain a desire for each other and a delight in each other. If, as a couple, each has a desire for and a delight in the other, you will experience a “forever young” aspect to your sexual union, regardless of how old you are in physical years.

A woman once said to me, “I’m a nurse and I work in a nursing home. Two of the people who live in this particular home have been married to each other for seventy years. They are both in their nineties now, and they get around in wheelchairs. The casual visitor might think they are weak and frail and beyond any feelings of sexual desire. But you should see how they look at each other! They may not share a common bed, but they still hold hands and kiss and flirt with each other in a way that can almost make a person feel embarrassed to watch them. There is no doubt they are still very much in love and that the feelings they have for each other are sexual as well as emotional. They still have the hots for each other.”

May it be so for every married couple!

APPRECIATION FOR THE TOTAL PERSON

I want you to notice specifically what Solomon said about his wife’s neck and head. He pointed out four features:

Your neck is like an ivory tower,
Your eyes like the pools in Heshbon
By the gate of Bath Rabbim.
Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon
Which looks toward Damascus.
Your head crowns you like Mount Carmel,
And the hair of your head is like purple;
A king is held captive by your tresses. (Song 7:4–5)

A Tower of Strength and Purity

First, Solomon referred to his wife’s neck as a tower. On their wedding night, as he was taking off her wedding necklace, he saw her neck as a tower of strength for fending off all enemies. Now, Solomon saw his wife’s neck as a white tower—great in strength and in value, but also a symbol of purity. She had borne her strength of character as well as her inner pride at being Solomon’s wife with a purity of heart. She had not trampled over others or sought vengeance against others. Rather, she stood tall and proud in her position as Solomon’s wife. She always had a regal dignity about her.

A Depth of Holiness and a Source of Refreshment

Second, Solomon referred to his wife’s eyes as deep pools of water. You can tell a great deal about a person by gazing deeply into the eyes. What did Solomon see in his wife’s eyes? He spoke of the Bath Rabbim pools near Heshbon. The city of Heshbon was a Levitical city—in other words, it was a city in which the priests dwelled. Solomon saw holiness in the eyes of his wife. Furthermore, the pools were very likely the pools in which the priests purified themselves ceremonially before and after their service as priests. Solomon saw his wife as being completely cleansed of all sin. She stood in righteousness and purity before the Lord. Nothing in her was tainted by guile, sin, or guilt.

In addition to being a means of cleansing, pools of water are sources of refreshment, and perhaps especially so since the city and the pools were out in the desert area, about twenty miles east of the north end of the Dead Sea. Solomon seemed to take delight in the “refuge” of his wife—the refreshment she gave to his soul and the delight she provided him at the end of a hard day of work.

Show me a man who can go home from work to a wife who is pure and holy before God, and who gives him refreshment and joy, and I’ll show you a man who is eager to get home!

A Strong Ally Against Trouble

Third, Solomon referred to her nose as a tower of Lebanon looking toward Damascus. Damascus was the seat of power for Assyria, a major enemy to the Israelites throughout Bible times. Solomon regarded his wife as always being on the alert to the things that might bring trouble to him. In our terms today we might say, “She looks out for her husband.” She wasn’t about to let another woman get his attention or draw him away. She wasn’t about to let someone willingly hurt her husband or damage his reputation. The wife no doubt was also looking out for her husband through intercessory prayer on his behalf. She was aware that he had enemies—both in the natural and in the spiritual realms— and she set herself to be his foremost lookout post.

Someone once said to me, “This woman had a nose for sniffing out trouble.” Precisely. She wasn’t eager for trouble, but she was always alert to potential trouble. Her husband saw her as a strong pillar of first-line defense! In all of my years of ministry, I have found no greater counsel and wisdom than that of my sweetheart.

A Visibly Good Leadership

Fourth, Solomon noted that his wife’s hair was like a crown. As a young bride, she let her tresses fall down around her shoulders. Solomon observed that her hair was cascading like a flock of goats running down a mountain. Perhaps now she had her hair up and perhaps braided in such a way that it was like a crown on her head. Purple, of course, was the color for royalty in the Bible, and that was what Solomon saw in his wife’s appearance at that stage of her life. She was truly a queen, worthy at all times of wearing a royal crown.

Solomon likened her carriage to the hills of Carmel, the showplace for geographic beauty in Israel. It was a prized fertile area that everyone agreed was the most beautiful part of the land. On Mount Carmel the prophet Elijah showed forth the power of God against the priests of Baal. It was a place visible for miles and miles from the valleys that extended below it to the east. Solomon saw his wife as being worthy of much public acclaim. Queens wore their crowns only at royal, public events. Solomon saw his wife as being worthy of recognition as a righteous queen at all times.

Husband, always treat your wife as the queen of your home. Be as totally captivated by her as Solomon was captivated by his wife. Solomon was the most powerful man in the world of his time. And yet, his wife owned him. She truly was the strength behind the throne, the strong woman behind the strong man. The New Testament term for “housewife” is oikodespotes—“house despot”! She was monarch of the realm. (See 1 Tim. 5:14.)

At a conference I attended, the speaker’s words made a strong impression on me: “All of my married life, my wife loved me and cared for me and looked after me. She was my crown and my praise. People held me in much higher regard than they otherwise would have because of her reputation for excellence and the way she built me up in their eyes. Now my wife is dying. Her mind has been affected, and at times, I’m not even sure she knows who I am. But now it’s my turn to serve. I bathe her, I change the diapers she must wear, and I hold her withered body in my arms and cuddle her and tell her that I love her. I consider it the greatest privilege God has ever given me to do for this woman just a fraction of what she has done for me in my life, and to love her with a devotion that is only a small reflection of the devoted love she expressed for me.”

Solomon seemed to feel the same way about his wife: “How fair and how pleasant you are, O love, with your delights!” (Song 7:6). One of the meanings of the word delight is “charm.” Solomon was totally under the spell of his wife; he was fully captivated by her. Though king of his domain, he is enslaved by the delight of his wife. He tried to summarize the totality of her being to him: “This stature of yours is like a palm tree, and your breasts like its clusters” (Song 7:7).

Solomon initially called his young bride a garden. Now he had come to see her as an oasis in the desert. She was a place of rest, refreshment, and nourishment to him—still a delight, but in a different way. At the beginning of their marriage, Solomon was attracted to the beauty and intrigue and bloom of his young bride as well as to her potential. At the later stage of their marriage, Solomon was no less attracted, but he was attracted to different things: his wife’s stateliness and fruitfulness to his life. The younger groom Solomon was eager for what his wife would give him. The older husband Solomon was grateful and appreciative for all that his wife gave him. Of all the people on earth, he most longed to come to her. A man told me, “My home is wherever my wife happens to be at the time.” That was how Solomon felt. His wife was his place of refuge and pleasure.

APPRECIATION EXPRESSED IN
TENDER WORDS

Up to this point in the seventh chapter of the Song of Solomon, Solomon was talking, not touching. He was praising his wife for what he saw in her, not for what he could get from her. Oh, that all men might master this fine art! This is truly one of the greatest secrets of romance.

Romance is about giving to another person. It is about appreciating that person and valuing that person. It is about showing signs of respect and trust. It is about admiration.

Romance is also about tenderness. Solomon began with tender and romantic words in communicating his love to his wife, and men, that is always the place to begin with your wives. They want to know how you feel in your heart, not how you respond to the feel of them in your hand.

Remain Tender

The way a woman spells love over time is tenderness. The way a man spells love over time is respect.

Show me a woman who feels that her husband deals with her tenderly—with kindness, good manners, generosity, genuine affection, and understanding—and I’ll show you a happily married woman, regardless of external circumstances that may come against their union or family. This woman will have no desire to seek tenderness from someone outside the marriage.

Show me a husband who feels that his wife deals with him with respect—admiration, appreciation, upholding his dignity as a man, thankful for his protection and provision— and I’ll show you a happily married man, regardless of the stress he may feel from the outside world. This man will delight in coming home and closing the front door behind him so that he can be with his wife and family.

What happens if tenderness isn’t there for a woman? She’ll begin to withdraw from her husband. Eventually she may cut off all sexual responsiveness to him. She may withdraw silently, but very often, her withdrawal is punctuated with criticism, manipulation, and angry remarks. She will eventually turn to other avenues for feeling rewarded, appreciated, or important. It may be a job; it may be a full schedule of civic volunteer work; it may be spending more time with her mother or her friends; it may be excessive devotion to the kids or even a passion for church work. She’ll find a tenderness substitute for what is lacking at home.

And then one day she may be by herself at a cafe somewhere, and a guy at the next booth will say, “Hi, ya.” She will say, “Hi, ya,” back. “Come here often?” he’ll ask. “Oh, usually on Tuesdays,” she’ll say. She might never have been there on a Tuesday before, but she has made a mental plan to be there next Tuesday. And he knows it. “Maybe I’ll see ya,” he’ll say, fully intending to be at the cafe next Tuesday. And so it goes. What is she after? A tenderness fix. Somebody to listen, to understand, to admire her, to show that he likes being with her and finds her appealing.

The beginning of a very rough time has started in such a marriage—not with the fantasy or encounter she has with another person—but with the lack of tenderness shown to her initially by her husband.

Remain Respectful

And from the man’s point of view? If he doesn’t receive respect at home, he’ll seek it out. Often, he’ll seek it out at work, spending longer and longer hours on the job where he seems to be appreciated and valued and the rewards seem possible to achieve. He may spend more time with his friends and start driving a fancier car and unbuttoning his shirt to his navel so people might be impressed with his illusion of youth. One day he’ll come across a woman who will be quick to adore him, saying, “You are so sharp!” He’ll take the bait. “You really think so?” he’ll reply modestly, all the while begging in his heart for more.

The more this husband withdraws from his family and seeks respect outside the home, the more disrespect he is likely to feel from his wife, and so the cycle escalates.

The beginning of a very difficult time in that marriage has started—not with the infidelity and abandonment, but with the lack of respect shown by the wife.

I was giving this teaching at a church one time, and after the service a man in his forties came up to me and said, “Did my mother write you a letter?” He felt as if I had just told his life story. No, I had never met him before, and I had received no correspondence from his mother. The pattern is a frequent one. I have seen it all too often, in various stages of development, in my pastoral counseling over the past twenty years.

When husbands fail in tenderness and wives fail to show respect, marriages wither. Revere your mate. If you don’t, Satan will find someone who will.

APPRECIATION EXPRESSED IN
TENDER EMBRACE

Solomon, however, was not all talk. He also expressed his love for his wife in deed:

I said, “I will go up to the palm tree,
I will take hold of its branches.”
Let now your breasts be like clusters of the vine,
The fragrance of your breath like apples,
And the roof of your mouth like the best wine. (Song 7:8–9)

The woman responded:

The wine goes down smoothly for my beloved,
Moving gently the lips of sleepers. (Song 7:9)

This is a picture of two people overcome by wine. Not the wine of drunkenness but the wine of passion and love. They sleep the restful sleep of a contented couple. Palm clusters, apples, wine—Solomon’s wife was an absolute delight to him, an oasis of refreshment. He adored her breasts, breath, mouth, and lips. A strong sexual expression is evident here. To pollinate a palm tree, one would climb the tree and seize the flowers. So Solomon here entered his wife. Is this the dying of romantic love? Not on your life!

YOU BECOME WHAT YOU GIVE

Solomon told his wife all that was in his heart about her. An important message was in the overall statement that he made to his wife. Solomon ascribed to his wife the very traits he himself most respected and desired to have in his life. He wanted to be, as a man, the type of person he saw in his wife: strong, noble, fruitful, youthful, generous, alert, righteous, regal.

A truly good marriage has that uplifting and encouraging aspect to it—each person bringing out and strengthening the best in the other, each person being the type of person he or she would also like to be. I heard an interview with a couple not long ago, and the wife concluded, “It may sound corny, but he really does bring out the highest in me. I’m hoping that I become more and more like him.” That’s what a good marital relationship should be like. I know that my wife is one of my heroes.

Solomon knew that his wife enriched his life by her presence and that she blessed his life with her goodness so that he was a better man than he was when he first married her. That was part of the reason he used the image of an oasis. As he held her, he knew that she was a great source of “soul food” for him—grapes, apples, and wine were all indicative of the way he felt nourished by his wife so that he became what she fed to him emotionally.

A spouse always has it in his or her power to determine what kind of emotional nourishment will be given in a marriage. Will you feed your mate a diet of angry words, bitter insults, or negative put-downs? Or will you feed your mate a diet of genuine compliments, encouragement, and statements of value? What you feed your spouse is likely to be what you are fed in return. And in this case, you truly do become what you eat. A person who receives mostly anger, bitterness, and hate at home is going to express anger, bitterness, and hate to the world. A person who receives unconditional love, appreciation, respect, and tenderness at home is going to give the same things to others.

Solomon knew that. He was a better king for having had the woman as his queen.

A ROMANTIC RESPONSE

You may be thinking, But how did she feel about Solomon? Was the romance flowing only one way? Far from it!

Solomon’s bride responded, “I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me” (Song 7:10). The word desire is used in Genesis 4:7 of an animal prepared to devour its prey. As in the previous verses, Solomon wanted to consume the woman of delight. Passion indeed!

His wife, after all those years of marriage, still considered herself to be a one-man woman, and she delighted in the fact that he was a one-woman man when it came to the fullness of his love and devotion. She considered herself to be one with him. She delighted in his incredible passion. She purposefully excited him and was proud of it.

I asked my wife, Teresa, one time what happens when women get older. I said, “Men get rigid and robotic. We start operating by rote. What is it that women become?”

She replied, “We get fussy. We have no tolerance for things not being done our way.”

We reflected upon those statements for a while and came to two conclusions: (1) these traits do not necessarily need to develop, and (2) these traits develop because people become self-centered and self-focused. They increasingly want what they want, to the exclusion of others.

Solomon’s wife displayed none of this attitude. She remained focused on Solomon. And that perhaps is the greatest fruit of romance. When a person chooses to love and appreciate another through gestures, deeds, and words that we would call romantic, the response is a spouse who is more giving and loving in return. There is a reciprocity of affection and a mutuality of caring.

Notice what the wife said next:

She was saying, “Let’s spend time together. Let’s be involved in work and ministry together. Wherever you’re going, I want to go along. I want to be with you.”

Their love was very much alive. She still wanted to be with her husband more than she wanted to be with anybody else. She delighted in his presence. Having him around was not a burden to her, but a joy. She was willing to go where he wanted to go and to work by his side.

Notice, too, that they are springtime images:

There I will give you my love.
The mandrakes give off a fragrance,
And at our gates are pleasant fruits,
All manner, new and old,
Which I have laid up for you, my beloved. (Song 7:12–13)

Mandrakes and “pleasant fruits” refer to aphrodisiacs. (See Gen. 30:14.) Solomon’s wife responded to his romantic gestures and deeds with a strong desire to make love to her husband. She had some pleasures for him both “new and old.” She was still willing to experiment in the bedroom. She had some surprises remaining in her storehouse of creativity for Solomon.

A number of years ago, my wife, Teresa, and I went on a Caribbean cruise. Our luggage seemed to be misplaced at the outset of the voyage, and we faced the hard, cold fact that we might be several days on the ship with only the clothes we had on our backs. I tried to comfort Teresa by saying, “I’ve got enough money with me that we can buy the things we need once we stop at the first island.” She could not be consoled. Finally, in tears, she said, “But I had a special red nightgown just for tonight.”

I went straight to the captain of that ship and said, “I want my luggage! Find it now!” I was not about to be denied that red nightgown and my wife in it! She had “something new” for me, and I was ready to receive it. (They did find our luggage, by the way. I sang a new song. . . .)

Wife, never lose sight of the fact that you can still be even more creative in your lovemaking. Your husband will delight in the fantasies you create and the innovations you bring to sexual intimacy. Lay up some “new treasures” for your husband to enjoy. Exploit your husband. All senses delight him. In order of what excites men most:

1. What he hears during sex.

2. What he sees. Trust me, he longs to give you a gift certificate to Victoria’s Secret.

3. What he feels, especially the responsiveness of his wife.

4. What he smells.

5. What he tastes.

Wife, use the whole arsenal at your disposal!

WHO CARES WHO KNOWS!

Solomon’s wife seemed to make a strange statement at the height of her response to Solomon’s romantic lead:

Oh, that you were like my brother,
Who nursed at my mother’s breasts!
If I should find you outside,
I would kiss you;
I would not be despised.
I would lead you and bring you
Into the house of my mother,
She who used to instruct me.
I would cause you to drink of spiced wine,
Of the juice of my pomegranate.
His left hand is under my head,
And his right hand embraces me. (Song 8:1–3)

On the surface, it may sound as if she was saying at the outset of chapter 8, “Let’s just be friends. Let’s be like brother and sister.” I overheard a young man make this wry comment, “The three worst words a guy can hear from a girl he is dating are, ‘Let’s be friends.’” Let me assure you quickly, Solomon’s wife didn’t want to cool off their passion to a platonic state. Far from it!

She was saying, “I wish I could love you in public with the same passion I have for you in private. I’d like to love you passionately twenty-four hours a day and in every setting of life.”

In Bible times, the only men that a woman could touch in public were her father and her brothers. She wasn’t allowed to be seen touching her husband because touching between spouses was perceived to be sexual in nature, and therefore, such touching was not something the public should see. She said, “If you were my brother, nobody would think twice about my kissing you in public. Nobody would think twice about our going into a house alone together. I wish I could show you how much I love you without any regard to others.”

I certainly am not advocating outrageous public displays of affection between married couples. There are a time and a place for everything. My wife cannot stand to see couples paw at each other in public, and I’ve come to appreciate her point of view. At the same time, there should be enough passion in a marriage that both spouses would like for there to be no off-limits to their lovemaking. She had an around-the-clock romantic inclination toward her husband, so much so that she said that she would love to cause him to “drink of spiced wine, of the juice of my pomegranate.” She desired that Solomon be constantly intoxicated by the thought of her sexuality. She would like to be able to seduce him at any place, at any time.

Now, this does not mean that a couple should be experiencing a peak sexual interest twenty-four hours a day, every day of the year for the rest of their marriage. It does mean that there should be times when this kind of passion is expressed. Solomon didn’t spend every hour of every day adoring his wife’s body or making love to her. She didn’t delight in lovemaking every second of every minute. The foundation for their marriage was so strongly rooted in all the right things, however—love, tenderness, respect, affection, courtesy, appreciation—that passion readily bubbled up.

THE ELEMENT OF GOOD SURPRISE

Shakespeare wrote:

So am I as the rich, whose blessed key
Can bring him to his sweet up-locked treasure,
The which he will not every hour survey,
For blunting the fine point of seldom pleasure.
Therefore are feasts so solemn and so rare,
Since, seldom coming, in the long year set,
Like stones of worth they thinly placed are,
Or captain jewels in the carcanet.
So is the time that keeps you as my chest,
Or as the wardrobe which the robe doth hide,
To make some special instant special blest,
By new unfolding his imprison’d pride,
Blessed are you, whose worthiness gives scope,
Being had, to triumph, being lack’d, to hope.

What was Shakespeare saying? He was likening passion to a treasure chest filled with jewels. You don’t wear all your jewels or even stare at them all the time. Otherwise, you lose appreciation for them. They are worn at feasts only, and in that regard, they are special in part because they are associated with special occasions.

This same thing holds true in romance. An appealing aspect of romance is that it is unexpected.

I once wrote a love note to my wife, Teresa, in which I told her at fairly great length how much I appreciate her, value her, and consider her to be a treasure to me, our sons, and our church. I wrote the note late one Saturday night, and then I tucked it into her Bible at the location of the text for my sermon the following morning. I knew she’d find it when she opened her Bible. And sure enough, it was all I could do to keep preaching as I watched her open the note and read through it. The look she gave me from her pew was one of the most wonderful looks a guy can ever see. Believe me, she energized my sermon! Part of the romance of that love note was that it was unexpected.

A man or woman will quickly realize in marriage that much of every day is devoted to chores. There is not much romance associated with the work of taking care of a home, children, cars, or yards—unless, that is, you choose to add an unexpected element to a specific chore. A man once said to me, “One of the most romantic things I ever did for my wife was to clean up the dishes after a dinner party while she went to take a hot, soaking bath.” Doing the unexpected chore as a help to a weary or overstressed spouse can be a very romantic act. A noted female columnist said that to her, “The sound of a vacuum cleaner is foreplay.”

If a red nightgown is worn every night, if breakfast in bed is served on a silver tray every morning, if a love note appears in every lunch pail, if a sexy phone call is made every day, the acts cease to become romantic; rather, they are mundane.

Don’t allow any single romantic act to be reduced to routine. When was the last time you initiated sex outside the bedroom? “Oh, Tom,” you may say, “we’re adults.” May I remind you that Solomon’s wife was also an adult! Stay creative. At the heart of romance is God’s creative spirit. God’s principles are always true and absolute; nothing about His character changes. God’s methods are always new; they are different in every situation. (See Lam. 3:22–23.)

Stay steadfast in your love for your spouse. But stay innovative in the way you express your love.

Questions to Think About or Discuss

1. Are there romantic things that the two of you once did but no longer do? Why not?

2. Describe an ideal date with your loved one. Why not plan such a date?

3. What have you come to appreciate about your beloved that you didn’t even know to appreciate at the outset of your relationship? What good things have you learned about your beloved’s character over time? How might you express your appreciation in a creative way?

4. What would you say in a definitive love note to your beloved?

Why not write such a note today?