Follow Your Heart

I’m tired; operating with my energy tank on empty. The little bits of sleep I get do little to quell my drowsiness. Looking at my reflection, the bags under my eyes appear to extend down to my jawline. I’m just a walking, talking, epitome of exhaustion. I could walk into a high school class right now and convince them to remain abstinent just by my appearance alone.

Today Isla and her friend Rory are coming to spend some time with the babies, and I’m looking forward to some adult interaction. In the two months since the boys have been home, the weather has morphed from comfortable outdoor temperatures and changing leaves to bitterly cold, snow-covered, and unpredictable. Needless to say, taking three infants out on my own isn’t a frequent occurrence. I need an extra set of hands to go anywhere and gone are the days of “running to the store.” Every trip outside these walls requires enough gear to stock Babies ‘R’ Us. It’s fine when Liam is home, but when I’m here alone, it can be overwhelming.

There is a gentle knock on the door, which I barely hear, so I walk over after placing Hudson in his baby swing. I’ll have to look up whoever invented those and send them a thank-you card.

“Hey, girls. Come in.”

“I didn’t want to ring the bell in case anyone was sleeping,” red-cheeked Isla says as she steps through the door and gives me a hug. Her puffy, down-filled coat feels cold, and I’m pleased I have a legitimate excuse to stay inside.

“Thank you for that. Everyone is wide awake, though. Waiting for their auntie time.” I greet Rory and give them a moment to remove their extensive amount of outdoor clothing and walk back over to where I left the boys.

Lenox is fussing because I have him down for tummy-time and he’s not a fan. Rory parks herself on the floor with him and does an incredible job eliciting a few smiles. She sings to them every time she comes over and if I didn’t know better, I’d think my little charmers have a crush.

Isla strikes up a conversation with Lincoln in the bouncy chair before she looks up at me. “Why don’t you go get some sleep? We’ll wake you if we need anything.”

The guilt that usually accompanies these offers is nowhere to be found today. I’m too tired to feel bad about pawning my kids off. “Do I look that bad?” I chuckle.

“You look tired. We have nothing else to do today, so go sleep, shower, and when you wake up, we can still hang out for a while.”

She is singing my song. That’s everything I wanted to hear in one sentence. Sleep. Shower. Adult conversation.

“Come get me if you need me.” I walk into my bedroom, this time without a second thought. I lie on the bed and drift off to sleep.

After I’ve showered a few hours later, I find myself dawdling, not rushing to get back to the boys. It’s not lost on me that just a few weeks ago, I would have refused a few hours of sleep and rushed through a shower just so I didn’t miss a minute with them. But, in that time, I’ve realized that my love for them is not shown merely in the time I dedicate to them. There’s much to be said for quality over quantity, and it’s better for them to have less of a rested mom than more of a tired one.

We’re so fortunate to have such a loving family, all of whom are willing to come help whenever their schedules permit. Isla has been an integral part of our childcare team and comes over as often as possible. Zara still comes at least once a week to help catch up with housework and spend time with the boys. For a woman who never had infants, she is a natural. Dola stops in several times a week and having a doctor in the family does wonders for aiding my medical anxiety regarding the boys. It’s easy to ask a simple question, rather than haul them in for unnecessary appointments.

I return to find Isla, Rory, and Liam sitting in the family room, surrounded by various baby gear.

“Hey, Babe. Feel better?”

I walk over to give him a peck and smooth Hudson’s dark hair as he’s cradled in Liam’s arms. “Much better. Thanks to these two.”

Isla and Rory both give me a smile, but say nothing and continue to play with Lenox and Lincoln. All three boys are over ten pounds now and growing like little weeds. Lenox is still smaller and looks like an outcast among his near-identical brothers, but together they are three-quarters of my world.

A knock at the door startles me, and since I’m the only one without a baby, I walk over to answer. On the other side are Zara and Zach, beaming, carrying large bags of groceries.

“Hey! I didn’t know you two were coming.”

“Isla called earlier and said you could use a home-cooked meal tonight, so we figured we’d make a night of it, if that’s okay.”

“Of course. Wow, you guys brought a feast.”

“We’ve got a lot of mouths to feed, and then you can have leftovers.” Zara replies.

I look back in the house at the family whose loyalty and love has never wavered; I grew up not knowing that was possible. But something is missing. “Is there enough for me to call Dola and Ian too?”

Zara smiles, reaching out to pull me in for a tight squeeze. A gesture that used to overwhelm me with fear now feels like comfort.

“Of course. That would be great. We’ll have a whole family dinner.”

Whole. The idea of being whole after feeling empty and unworthy for so long. It’s nice. Really nice.

Our dinner is pushed late, since Dola doesn’t get off her shift at the clinic until six, but she wouldn’t hear of postponing until another night. Zara, Zach, Isla, Rory, Liam, my three beautiful boys and I sit around a fire, taking turns snuggling babies, bottle feeding, playing peek-a-boo, and jingling keys.

Babies make life infinitely more complicated. Exhausting. Terrifying. But, they also make it so simple. Being content with the necessities of life, food, clothing, shelter; sometimes do away with clothing entirely. And love.

I love my sons more than I ever knew was humanly possible. I know now that love was not a feeling my biological father was capable of. Monsters don’t love. They manipulate, use, betray. I am not him, and my journey will be a stark contrast to his. When my time on this Earth is up, the people I love will surround me, and I’ll know, despite the times I failed or made mistakes, I loved with every fibre of my being.

My parents work together in an awe-inspiring unified cooking session, preparing several dishes at once, communicating wordlessly with each other. The house smells amazing, and laughter fills the air. The fire crackles, and my babies smile. I soak it in, knowing exactly where I came from. From the pits of hell, I crawled out, suffered, struggled, and now I’m here.

“You look lost in thought. Are you okay?” Liam leans toward me on the sofa, wrapping his arm behind my shoulders.

“I’m good. Great actually. I’m just… happy.”

Squeezing me a little tighter, Liam replies, “me too, Babe. Me too.”

A knock at the door has Liam giving me a quick kiss, then runs off to open it, knowing it’s his parents on the other side. I follow behind, seeing the kids are in good hands with Isla and Rory.

“Hi, Love. Thanks for inviting us.” Dola greets me as she leans out of her heavy winter coat.

“It was all Mom and Dad. They brought food and have done the cooking. I can’t take any credit, but we’re glad you could make it.”

Once everyone is inside, we get the babies settled for a nap in their bedroom—which is becoming a rarity to have them sleep at the same time during the day, or night—we sit around the ten-person table I thought was excessive when we purchased it. We’ve filled it up nicely.

The next hour passes as we converse over a feast, enjoying each other’s company, and appreciating the differences we bring to the table. Literally. Isla, the quiet, creative type. Dola, the social-butterfly doctor. Rory, the shy musician. Zara, the fierce giver of life advice. Zach, the tender-hearted romantic. Ian, the intelligent gentleman. Liam, my reason for living.

And me. The luckiest woman in the entire world.

The odds of having triplets are around one in 10,000, which isn’t as rare as I thought, but I had none of the underlying “risk” factors, making my odds significantly lower. Having them home with us, I feel like every pain in my life has led me to here, and I’d do it all over again if I knew it would turn out the same way.

I’ll always battle my demons. My past will always be a part of me. But each moment with my family, with my boys, it gives me hope everything will be okay. It makes me feel like the pain was all worth it.

It doesn’t matter how broken, overwhelmed, guarded, tired, or scared we are at any given time. We have each other no matter what, and I’ll always keep loving them.

Love is the goal.

THE END

If you enjoyed this book, please consider leaving a review. I love hearing from my readers.

If you’d like to hear from me, sign up for my newsletter.